Expensive gifts? Newbie question
Hi!
New member here! I don't know all the abbreviations for things, so if you reply, please explain any site lingo you use.
My Boyfriend of 7 months lives with me. He pays child support to his ex/baby momma (they were never married) and is currently receiving unemployment benefits (has a school-related job and is out of work in summer). Finances are ok, but tight. We split household expenses, but not 50/50. I pay rent and utilities (in addition to my car payment and renters insurance for the apt.), he buys food and pays the cable/internet bill. My portion is undoubtedly and expectedly bigger, since I have more income.
His son's 12th birthday is next month...kid made a Birthday list that includes an expensive pair of sneakers (Lebron's?). Then, later that evening started complaining that his shoes were getting too small, and that he needed new ones. BF tells the kid that he might be able to go shopping with him and get him a pair of shoes that fit better- even though this would fall under a child support expense for the mom. He tells the kid that money is tight and he might be able to get him a pair that are $40-$50, like the ones on my boyfriend's feet (shows him the new shoes we got a great deal on). Kid says nope. He says that he can't show up to school in anything other than these Lebrons, because "everyone" will make fun of him.
My response is an eye roll and to say that the other kids are dumb and shoes are shoes. He doesn't play sports, so it's not like he needs them for anything much beyond walking around...and PE.
I know this is a tale as old as time, but I am afraid my bf is going to try and get these shoes for the kid (The kid says he would ask his mom, but he is afraid if she gets the shoes, he won't get anything else for his birthday from her...and he really likes presents). Growing up, I never had anything nice and the kids in my class made fun of me for it...and I'm fine. Lord knows I don't get to buy $100+ shoes, so I think it is asinine for the kid to just expect them. I don't want my bf to spend a bunch of money we don't have on this. But, it's his money. He's already planning on spending $150 on KISS concert tickets for the three of us on the kid's birthday as his big gift. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I would rather give the kid a cool experience rather than some shoes he's just going to tear up and grow out of. I can also think of a hundred things it would be better to spend upwards of $100 on.
Am I being ridiculous? How does gift-giving fit into the child support scenario? I was raised differently, and would never have even asked for something so expensive for my birthday. The way that I would parent does not match the way my boyfriend parents (like, not at all)- so it's already hard to keep my mouth shut when he lets the kid play violent video games and lets him watch horror movies. How do I deal with this?
Dad should be paying for his
Dad should be paying for his son's b'day present. Not you. If you give the kid a gift it's separate and on you. Birthday presents have nothing to do with child support.
If Dad is spending $50 for gift, whether shoes or not, and $150 for Kiss tickets, it's a tossup.
Same amount of cash all in all than if he would have just gotten the shoes. The difference is with the concert tickets, $100 worth of the cost of tickets is for you and boyfriend. Yes, it's an 'experience'. Yes a jointly shared one.
Dad should ask kid which kid really wants. You should keep wallet shut. Dad's kid. Dad's present.
Your BF should let his kid
Your BF should let his kid decide on his present. He is old enough to understand that there is only a limited amount of cash to be spent and he can have one thing or the other. BF lets the kid decide and you don't get a "vote".
I agree with other posters that your BF should be kicking in more money for your household though. Even if it means a 2nd job. You wouldn't feel so conflicted about this if he was paying his fair share.
I understand where you are trying to come from in the "we don't earn equal incomes" theory but why do you accept that he can't do any better? Do you really feel it's fair that you subsidize his life (and his son's?).
So you have only been
So you have only been together for 7 months. How long has he been working with the school system and how the hell did he manage to pay his bills prior to meeting you? I'm teacher. Being off during the summer is not excuse for not being able to pay rent and other living expenses
The fact that your are pretty much supporting this grown ass man is a bigger issue than him buying the kid some high price item.
He just finished his
He just finished his Bachelor's degree in Web design and is looking for a full time job in his field. His school job was part time while he was in college. We are hoping he won't have to go back to it next month when school starts, so this is a temporary arrangement.
I am happy with our living arrangement (except for the part where he gets to stay home all week and still get a paycheck...but he doesn't like it either) and division of the finances. He does a lot of the household chores while he is at home, so it's not like he is really sitting around. I come home to hot dinner every night
I think you are right about the concert. It is on the evening of his son's birthday, and I think he doesn't want to have to choose between something he wants to do (concert) and doing something with the son on his birthday, so he suggested the concert as a compromise.
I LOVE the idea of having the kid earn some money (him mom only makes him take out the trash at home), but is it my place to suggest it? He would be doing the chores at my apartment, most likely.
LOL he should clean the
LOL he should clean the bathroom floor...he pees on it! LOL
I agree. It's your
I agree. It's your apartment...but the apartment that your BF lives in and where the kid comes to visit. If you're giving him cash for work, you pick the work and make sure it's really finished. It is certainly your place to offer this...only the kid can decide if he wants to do it.
I, for one, do not like it when DH is going through a rough patch financially (he's self-employed) and I have to pick up slack for the skids. If it happens for too long at a time, I definitely feel used, and I don't like feeling like I'm working my butt off for someone else's kids. However, DH does a lot around the house...and he is working and trying. He's generous with money when he does make it...so I can slide him some $$$ every once in a while without getting too resentful. Only you can know whether or not the financial situation works for you. If it were me, and we weren't married, I certainly would NOT be allowing a bf to live off of me...but that's me.
I also agree with you that the kid sounds spoiled. Only $100+ shoes will do? Puh-Lease! He needs nicer shoes than the working adults in the house...and thinks they should just be handed to him? I think that's absurd. I'd offer the work for pay option and see how he responds. If he's eager to earn money and is willing to do what it takes to EARN the shoes, then awesome! If he poo-poos the idea, I'd be less inclined to get the shoes and reward his entitlement.
It kind of bugs me that the
It kind of bugs me that the only reason for the "gift" of the Kiss tickets is because your BF wanted to go and it happened to fall on the night of the kids bday. Not really a gift for the kid unless he's really into Kiss.... Even then, it's more a gift for your BF.
"but is it my place to
"but is it my place to suggest it? "
You can suggest anything you please. It does not mean BF will agree with you though. If you live with the man, you should be able to talk to him. Just because you don't have children doesn't mean you don't have opinions and perhaps some every good suggestions on how to parent and/or that your input isn't of value.
You mentioned you and BF have different ideas on raising/parenting kids. That every well could be a red flag to watch. If you are too different he likely might make a decent BF but a poor choice to have future children with if you want your own children someday.
I'm not interested in having
I'm not interested in having kids myself...but if I was, this would definitely be a red flag for me. Thanks!
Update: It worked! I
Update: It worked!
:jawdrop: I suggested to my boyfriend that he let his son choose his gift.....and he LOVED the idea!!! I also suggested a chore/allowance system and we talked about that for a while. He was telling me that the BM doesn't make the kid do anything around the house, so I suggested that we/he teach him things he needs to know since BM is too lazy. My bf is going to teach his son how to do laundry and make some easy things in the kitchen. I told him that someone needs to teach this kid some responsibility or he is going to grow up without a work ethic.
We are also going to give the kid a chance to earn some $$ for doing things around the house. Apparently, BM steals the kid's money at home, so we are going to use an empty checkbook register and make entries when he earns money, then he can spend it when he is with us. It will teach him a bit of financial responsibility too!
It was a really great discussion....thanks for everyone's constructive input!!!
Piggy bank at your house! My
Piggy bank at your house! My poor SD's when their mom knew they got money from grannie or something, she would always borrow it saying she needed gas money to get to work. To this day, I worry that she is going to guilt them (older one won't but younger would) into giving/loaning her money. It is sad when a grown woman takes money from their child.
BM took money/computers/cars
BM took money/computers/cars from SD all the time.
She felt that if SD had it, it was hers too.
We'd rented a car for SD, long story, and when it was time to return it BM had it! SD was driving BMs POS and BM took the rental.
When BM had to travel she took SDs laptop.
SD asked DH for money to pay BM rent when she was living there while going to school because if SD lived with roommates he'd pay her portion. BM didn't think this was any different. DH said not a chance, As it was she took a portion of what DH gave SD for gas/food money.
The really sad thing is that SD doesn't see anything wrong with it. She's a good smart kid but when it comes to BM she's blind to the things she's done.
Growing up, we had "chores"
Growing up, we had "chores" that were our responsibility to do on an age appropriate level. This would include things like helping make the salad for dinner, setting the table, making our beds etc... These were done "for love" as my parents termed it. They were the things we had to do because we were part of the family unit.
Then there were occasional "for money" things that might be bigger and less recurring tasks like raking and bagging leaves or some other "big" project.
Big joke when being asked by parents to do something - "is it for love or money" haha.
I think it was good for us to understand that being part of the community(family) means that everyone should contribute something but also that extra effort can gain extra rewards.
I'm with you. SS18 is doing
I'm with you. SS18 is doing some light construction around the house this summer for $10/hr (with a former student who's actually a pro framer...who's charging me $15 an hour).
He gets to hang out with his dad while I'm at work, gets to earn some $$$ that, hopefully, he will use to take over expenses like his phone (we're still paying for this and have told him he has until the end of the year to get his own plan), and I get stuff done more cheaply than hiring a contractor. Win-win-win...
Ugh if your man can't afford
Ugh if your man can't afford basic bills, like rent & utilities, he 100% can't afford shows & expensive sneakers. I don't give the slightest ef whose bday it is. Don't live beyond your means. The 2 of you are a couple that are currently sharing & splitting stuff as you feel necessary, fine whatever, but if you're living together & combining finances like this, you 100% get a say.
That kid needs to learn a lesson, you can't always get what you want, living within our means is far more important than sneakers. Take him out to eat, even if all you can afford is the dollar menu at McDonald's. If he isn't grateful, guess he gets nothing the next year. Presents are privelidges & not to be expected. To be honest, the kids whole attitude would have me not giving him a thing this year.
You & your man are both old enough to know better than to spend money on sh** you can't afford. Clearly you know better, it's why you're posting. Now your man needs to understand. & even if your man is paying for all these things with "HIS" money, I'd be pissed because he can't afford rent. I'd leave a man in a NY minute for something like this. Boys are irresponsible with money, not mature men. I get wanting the kid to have a nice bday, but that can be done with very little money unless the kids a materialistic brat.