2 out of 3 step kids started calling me dad, now what?

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While I guess I'm not technically a step-father, I've been filling the role with my girlfriend's 3 children (13yo boy, 10yo boy, 8yo girl) for over a year. The plan is to get married, though current extenuating circumstances, such as finishing my grad school program, are pushing that back a couple years. I'm grateful to say I have a healthy relationship with all three children. During this time I've read all kinds of step-parenting literature from blogs to scholarly journal articles. When talking to friends I've often described it as being "as prepared as could reasonably be expected" for being a step-parent. That is until they threw me a curve ball this weekend...

On numerous occasions the younger two have asked me if I am/will be their "new dad." Consistently I have replied (in various forms) that they have a father who loves them very much and that we have an opportunity to develop a relationship together that works for us. In keeping with the literature I've read, I have never once requested or hinted that they should call me dad. Additionally, their father has shared custody and they spend every other week with him, so I've never expected anything different and have always been content with them using my first name or any nickname they have developed. So unexpectedly this past holiday weekend, the middle child asked if he could start calling me "Poppa." Not wanting to be rejecting towards him, I told him it was fine and that if he ever changed his mind and wanted to stop calling me Poppa, that would be ok too. Within an hour the youngest child picked up on it and she started calling me "daddy" after an almost identical conversation.

The curve ball came when my girlfriend and I noticed the oldest child getting rather upset about his younger siblings sudden change in what they call me and telling them that I am not their father. He is a fairly mature 13 and we are able to have pretty good conversations, in fact he told me about his first girlfriend before either parent. He and I talked about this change for a while and I restated to him that I am not intending to replace their father and that the younger siblings sudden change might be related to them trying to grasp the complexities of a family blending process (but I used 13yo language). It seemed to me like the conversation went well, but he still seems to get really upset at the siblings when they use these new terms. Now I feel stuck between a rock and a hard spot, while fearing that I may have unintentionally made a pretty stable family environment a lot more chaotic.

Help?

I have a friend in the same

I have a friend in the same situation as you. the kids call their step dad "poppa" and their real dad "dad and daddy" it seems to work for them, but every family is different. maybe sit down with the younger ones and come up with a nickname they can call you since it is upsetting the older one

They are young and trying out

They are young and trying out different names. I wouldn't squash it just yet - you could delay it until you and their mother were married though. I see this differently - why can they not have 2 "dads" they will have 2 grandma's, 2 grandpa's, potentially more! They are looking for something more intimate to call you - maybe you can help them decide on a "poppa" or "pappy" or some other term if dad is not acceptable. If you aren't 110% sure you are going to marry their mother, you might want to think twice before allowing it to go on much longer though. And is the older one uncomfortable because he doesn't want to call you anything other than your name. My SD tried out "mom" on me but decided she didn't really want to call me mom - which is totally fine! I told them to call me whatever they felt comfortable with (as long as it was my name lol).

What are you thinking "IS

What are you thinking "IS what it IS". Now IS the time to set the kids straight.

It is 100percent wrong for any child to call another woman's child "MOM" or another mans child to call another male "dad".

Sir, where is the father? Is he dead? Is he court ordered to pay Child Support? Since your girlfriend has no respect for the father of her children by giving the green light to have them call you Dad, Daddy. Remember if you have children with her too, the next guy will be allowed to be called dad also.

Protect yourself, 3 kids, your in grad school...hum..your a $$$ catch..next will be 'baby don't you think it would be great for YOU to adopt the chillllddddreeeennn,,,they call you dad'.

be very careful about what your doing here. JMO

FYI when my husbands kids were little very little they wanted to call me Mom. I can see it plain as day like it happened yesterday. As endearing as it was, and very innocent--I said No you can call me GoodLuck, you have a Mommy and she is your only Mommy. We can be good friends ok?

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Good Luck

Echo, 15 minute profiles

Echo, 15 minute profiles ...registered just to respond to this post.

Hey some people have changed

Hey some people have changed their names....

No, that's unacceptable

No, that's unacceptable without a MAJOR hint.

Yep. No doubt about it. Well

Yep. No doubt about it. Well played by you and DH. All of your kids won the Mom/Dad/SM/StepDad lottery.

Goodluck - there seems to be

Goodluck - there seems to be a lot of projection or rather extreme assumptions being made about my relationship on your behalf. I understand your belief that the terms dad/mom are the exclusive realm of bioparents, though through my experience and education in child development I sincerely disagree. However, the remaining portions of your reply are nothing less than degrading and based on information you have created and imagined.

My bride and I met when my

My bride and I met when my SS-23 was 15mos old and we married the week before he turned 2yo. His BioDad has always been in the picture (long distance visitation since the SKid was 1yo). Though his BioDad was a presence I was the first person the kid called Dad(dy). His choice. No one told him to. When we first started dating when his mom would ask him who or were daddy was he would point at a pic of the SpermIdiot that was on the wall of their apartment. About 4mos later he would point at me when my wife would tell him it was time to call daddy. She worked hard at keeping the kid and the BioDad connected. The kid on the other hand.... he knew who his REAL daddy was. Those feelings kept growing until my son was 22 and he asked me to adopt him. We made that happen.

The SpermIdiot and SpermClan were always in the picture, SS had regular visitation with them (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring). SS always struggled with the dichotomy of loving them when they were being manipulative toxic assholes. We kept our son abreast of the facts of the entire Custody/Visitation/Support situation in an age appropriate matter and kept the message fresh that they are his family, he can and should love them, even if he does not respect them or their decisions and behaviors.

The kids and you are the only ones who get to decide what they will call you. The kids have made their choice. They call you what you are to them. My SS did the same thing.

On a couple of occassions over the visitation years (when SS was ~7-9ish) he came home from SpermLand visitation with confusion over comments make by SpermGrandHag. "He is not your REAL dad his is only your StepDad." and "You can't call him "dad". Call him by his first name."

My kid is a very smart young man of character. When the SpermClan spouted toxic crap that did not make sense to him my son would research and develop his own perspective regarding their crap.

In both of those incidents he approached his mom and I to discuss SpermGrandHag's crap.

On the REAl vs. StepDad toxic crap.

I told him "Son, you know about BioDads and StepDads. We have talked about this a few times. A BioDad is the dad that made you with your mom. A StepDad is the dad that is married to your mom. Both can be REAL dads. A REAL dad is dad that gets you ready for school every morning, teaches you to brush your teeth, use the toilet, tie your shoes, ride your bike, play baseball, how to swim, and how to read. A real dad goes to work every day to make sure we have a nice and safe place to live, safe transportation, good schools for you to go to, coaches your baseball teams and swim teams, reads you a bedtime story and tucks you in, and who loves you and your mom very much."

His response: "A StepDad sounds like a REAL dad to me. Can we go outside and play?"

On the SpermGrandHag says I can't call you dad incident.

Son, no one decides what you will call me except for you and me. You chose to call me dad when you were a year old. If you no longer want to call me dad you can call me Mr. (Lastname). Your choice.

His response: I will stick with Dad.

I would advise you that if this is your forever mate and if you are going to raise these kids in your home that you not allow anyone to dictate how you will behave towards them, how they will behave towards you, and that you insist that if you and your bride are going to be equity life partners that you also insist that the two of you will be equity parents to any kids you your home regardless of kid biology. Only you and your bride have a say in that. As an equity parent to your Skids you take precedence over anyone outside of your home/family regardless of what their relationship is to the kids.

Kids respect those who earn their respect. If you have earned their respect as their Papa/Daddy then those titles are ones you have earned.

This has worked well for us for the last nearly 22yrs.

Our son has been with us as his mom and I as we have navigated undergrad and graduate school, professional licenses and certifications, traveled the world, and been a close family. We remain close.

How the blended family opposition chooses to establish and execute their relationship with the Skids is their choice.

You and your bride stick with yours.

Thank you for one of the most

Thank you for one of the most thoughtful a dand helpful posts on here.

Gecko, here's the take from

Gecko, here's the take from my husbands side about his son. My husband has never minded Chucky calling both his SF and my husband dad/ daddy. Men have a very different take to us women.

As long as the SF never attempted to replace my husbands role in his child's life he's good with it. The more love his son has, the better.

Maybe a compromise with the 13 year old? Instead of dad/ daddy maybe agree to Poppa while this settles with the older kid? A middle ground position can't hurt.

Thanks for addressing the

Thanks for addressing the actual question. I appreciate the feedback. It was helpful.

Thanks for addressing the

Thanks for addressing the actual question. I appreciate the feedback. It was helpful.

I stand by my opinion and it

I stand by my opinion and it is far from projection. OP you are going to do what ever you want to do AND what ever feels good to you.

So, where IS Bio Dad?

Well, Goodluck - you've

Well, Goodluck - you've decided to make assumptions and characterize my relationship based on nothing I stated about it. Therefore you are drawing from your own beliefs and experiences and forcing them on to my relationship. That's classic projection, a text book example.

^^^^AGREED^^^^^MUSTANG2008 I

^^^^AGREED^^^^^MUSTANG2008

I keep asking where bio dad is............I sincerely hope bio dad is not deceased. For some reason I doubt it.

Thank you Mustang2008 It is

Thank you Mustang2008

It is wrong Sunday-Sunday it is wrong. HE should know better since he states he is educated in Child Development. Granted we do not to what degree.

Something is off with that post. JMO

I have to say, I came here

I have to say, I came here looking for help and some guidance and in all likelI hood I won't be back. The high degree of unhealthy people on hereach and the high degree of absurd assumptions being made do not make this place welcoming. I also have little respect for responses that demonize e the situation yet apparentry never read the total message because us asked questions clearly answered in my initial post.

Also, the vehement protection of a bio parent on a step parent forum is confusing at beat. Aside from some genuinely helpful comments this has been an awful experience and I feel confident I can do better on my own.

Congrats on furthering your

Congrats on furthering your education. I hope my APA accredited Doctorate in Clinical Psychology with a speciality in working with children is as helpful.

I'm thinking the reason we seem to disagree is due to a fundamental difference in our beliefs regarding respect. I firmly believe that respect is earned, regardless of who you are, parent or otherwise. I do not believe that b/c you supplied some DNA one night you are entitled to a lifetime of respect by that child.

I said he was involved and he is, in the most basic sense. When it is his custody time the children are with him or his parents. However, he struggles to provide basic necessities such as guidance, attention, emotional support, nurturing, etc. The reality is the children are seeking to fill a role in their lives that isn't being filled, even though it could and should be filled by biodad.

The decision to allow the children to call me whatever respectful name they choose is the empirically supported decision. I will not allow someone on this board to hide behind a screen name and shame me for that decision. You're entitled to your opinion as am I, but research just happens to also support me. Don't like it? I don't care. You're more than welcome to click the little x on the top right of your screen.

My specific question was how to tactfully handle a situation where 2 out of 3 kids had a different opinion on a very significant matter. Very few respondents actually addressed that question - to those that did, thank you. At no point did I invite anyone to second guess my relationship or my decisions.

Since my original posting, I have learned that SS13's objection to the younger siblings decision was due to the term "dad" having negative connotations to it because of his historically stressful relationship with biodad.

You are here

2 out of 3 step kids started calling me dad, now what?