Confused about wife's praising
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We dated two years and got married and a house. I love my ss4 alot. His bf went to one baseball game all last year and mainly just pays child support. Doesn't take him on vacation or anything. So I get upset when my wife is so happy he showed up to the first game and he bought him a new T-shirt! Then feels bad that his mother likes me and praises me on how I raise their child.
I wouldn't mind the praise but it seems like I'm the bf that all is expected from and he is the SF that just gets to do as little as possible but she shows so much praise for it????
Me too.
Me too.
His real dad isn't very
His real dad isn't very involved. But when he does my wife is very quick to praise him for showing up or buying shit. But when I carry all the responsibilities and extra work I hear nothing... Just don't understand why she is so appreciative of how little he does
She is trying to encourage
She is trying to encourage him to be involved with his kid. She makes a big deal in hopes that he will continue to do it. You are taken for granted (to a point) because you are "always" there. Her praising him doesn't take away from the fact that you are doing a good thing though as long as she is also showing you appreciation for what you do.
I thought of that. I guess
I thought of that. I guess I've always wanted to be a dad so I don't understand how someone would need to be pushed to do it? And if he isn't driven to do it himself should it be her job to push him?
Well some people are not able
Well some people are not able to have kids and some people will love kids that are not biologically theirs. Being a family isn't about who is biological or not, it is about the marriage between the adults, the support from the people around you, and the love and respect they have for each other and all the children whether his, hers, or theirs. A step-father does take on a father role. If a child and his/her parents are lucky, the step-parents will love and protect that child like there own. No one should get married without discussing money issues and having children first, but once you are married, you need to be a family.
I thought of that. I guess
I thought of that. I guess I've always wanted to be a dad so I don't understand how someone would need to be pushed to do it? And if he isn't driven to do it himself should it be her job to push him?
Stop carrying all of the
Stop carrying all of the responsibilities and extra work, he's not your kid. Let your wife do it all.
But if you love the kid and want to keep on doing it, just know that this is the way it's going to be, you are going to be unappreciated as the step father.
Does the bio father have visitation?
Yea he gets him every other
Yea he gets him every other weekend. My SS basically tells me he plays on his dad's phone.. I knew it was going to be tough just thought my wife would show me more appreciation for what I try to do than what the biodad gets for his lil contribution
No I completely get its for
No I completely get its for the child believe me I want the best for him. I just don't think a father should have to be pushed and praises for raising his child or in this case showing up to one game.
She may feel guilt for her
She may feel guilt for her poor choice of mates. When the idiot does anything no matter how minimally positive it may be she builds it up. This is for both to make her feel bether about saddling her child with a shallow and polluted end of his gene pool and to make the kid feel something positive for the idiot BioDad.
My bride used to do the same thing. She would struggle to find anything redeeming at all about the SpermClan then would use any sliver of positiveness to declare that they were past all of the negative and were now nice.
Nope, once she backed off of nailing their asses to the wall they would immediately go back to their toxic crap. It took a number of years for her to finally write them off completely and not fall for a nugget of pleasantness from them.
Once she finally chose to not fall for their crap things got a whole lot less drama filled in our family and marriage. The SKid actually thrived once she kept the facts communicated to him regarding the toxic and non participatory bullshit from the Sperm Clan.
I would suggest that you create a spreadsheet of all of the things that you do for the Skid in one column and that the Sperm Idiot does for the Skid in another column. Then make a bar chart so she can see graphically how the two columns stack up. After you have filled it out print up data and the chart and hand a copy to your bride with a "I find it interesting that any little thing your X does you gush over and I never hear one thing about what I do for the boy. I thought this might help you see some clarity on the situation so that maybe you can start recognizing how little he does." Make sure that you tell her that it really bothers you that she is the Sperm Idiots biggest cheer leader yet does seemingly nothing to minimize the negative impact he has on your marriage and family.
My wife never entirely got over her guilt and sorrow for her choice of gene pool for our son but she did gain clarity and partner with me so we could counter the nature of the shallow and polluted end of our son's gene pool. It worked. He is doing great while his three younger also out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas are regular wearers of hand cuffs and the Sperm Idiot is a useless POS.
This kid needs your example and your bride needs the clarity of the facts.
Rags it sounds like what I'm
Rags it sounds like what I'm going through. And thanks to all the responses I understand what you all are saying. But if a step dad steps in as the main father figure shouldn't he get that credit from his wife at least. The child I understand I'm not his real dad and that will never change. But at least his mother being an adult should see how I have stepped in and been the full time dad he never had. I think step parents deserve better and a lil acknowledgement once in a while in this world. Not from the children BC they don't understand and they should be able to have hope and love for the bio parent. But as adults we need to start showing these poor step parents some love
jb, You are fortunate that SS
jb,
You are fortunate that SS is young. I was also fortunate in the same way. DW and I met when SS-23 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. The Sperm Idiot was always in the picture and we supported the CO'd 3x per year visitation schedule to Sperm Land. Sadly of the ~7wks of CO'd visitation per year (5wks Summer, 1wk Winter, 1wk Spring) the Sperm Idiot would see the kid not more than a day or two per visitation. Most of the time our son was with SpermGrandHag and the seemingly ever growing bood of out of wedlock spermidiot spawned half sibs by random baby mamas. There are 4. My son is his eldest and our only.
To SS I have always been dad. It is likely that your son will have few if any memories of before your entry on the playing field. You are and will be his dad. Sure not his REAL dad as the breeders like to put so much value on but his only true dad. Dad is action not fertility or bio participation.
As for flavor of dad.. since I brought it up. My kid never gave me the "you are not my REAL dad" line. On two occassions we had related conversations. The first shortly after he had returned from a Sperm Land visitation and was confused by something the hag had ranted at him about. He had called me dad during a conversation with his spermdonial grandmother. She jumped on him and told him that I was not his REAL dad, I was only his step dad. He knew clearly that he has two dads and that I am his step dad so her animosity was confusing to him since in his mind there was no issue.
At that time I told him that we had discussed many times about how I am the dad who is married to his mom and BioDad is the dad that made him with his mom. Since SGH’s introduction of the REAL dad concept was not something we had specifically discussed before I told him the following.
“Son, we have talked about how a Step Dad is the dad that is married to your mom, and that a BioDad is the dad that made you with your mom. Now, a REAL dad is the dad that goes to work everyday and works hard so we all have a nice home to live in, a safe neighborhood to live in, good schools for you to go to, safe transportation, helps you learn to read and write, ride a bick, use the toilet, tie your shoes, coaches your baseball and swim teams, goes to your awards ceremonies and all of your parent teacher conferences and who loves you and your mom very, verym much.”
He smiled, and said “A Step Dad sounds like a REAL dad to me. Lets go outside and play.”.
The second occasion was a few years later following a visitation during which SGH told him he could not call me dad. I told him that I had been his dad for more than 10 years at that time and if he no longer wanted to call me dad he could call me Mr. (Lastname). He stuck with dad.
A year ago he asked me to adopt him. He was 22. No change in me being his dad just that he now carries the name of the family he has been a part of for more than 20yrs. I am of course very proud that he has my name and his mom is very happy that for the first time she and our son have the same name.
Keep up the good work…. Dad.
I just think if you have to
I just think if you have to pushed or praised to raise your child why even do it? My lil boy loves his dad alot and it's gonna suck to see him be let down in the future BC his mom wants him to be involved.
"my lil boy" Again, he is
"my lil boy"
Again, he is NOT your boy. You are his mother's husband. The boy has a father and by your description the man DOES take his visitation and is participating in his life. So he lets the kid play with his phone? Who knows, maybe he doesn't know how to relate to a kid very well, it may not come naturally to everyone. So he gives him a T-shirt, well, maybe that's all he can afford?
The bottom line is that you will never be happy if you spend all your time consumed about what others "should" do or how they should act. All you can control is YOU and your reaction.
Here are a few points to keep in mind.
1. He is not your child
2. The extent to which you do things with him and for and on behalf of him and his mother is 100% voluntary. You need to do these things with no expectation of praise/recognition especially on the part of the child. Mom should be expressing her appreciation for your contribution to the household.
3. Stop worrying about how the REAL father parents unless he is being abusive. Just because he does things differently than you doesn't make them necessarily WRONG.
4. The mother is doing the right thing by encouraging her son to have a relationship with his father. If praising the father for small things leads to bigger things, all the better.
If you want to be a father, you need to have your own children.
So just play dad and work
So just play dad and work like dad but don't feel or care like a dad?
Z
Z
So stop paying for his health
So stop paying for his health insurance, clothes, food, shoes, sports...? Dr visits meds...
He doesn't pay for health
He doesn't pay for health care. We won't go into finances let's just say they didn't go to court.for how.much he has to pay. So he hands his money over n we pay for everything. He has no clothes at his dad's we send him with meds and clothes. I do haircuts. Just don't see how a step parent can do so much but is told well he's not your child so you can't feel certain ways. Just because he isn't blood doesn't mean I can't feel this way does it?
You may want to be/act as his
You may want to be/act as his dad, but like the rest of us step parents, you are going to have to accept the fact that no matter how much/little the bio parent does, THEY are the parents of the kids.
Now, my YSD and I have a great relationship. I came into her life when she was 5 and she is now 18. She calls me for advice and tells me she loves me BUT, she loves her mother too/more. Even though her BM is a piece of crap that only did things for the girls when it was fun or convenient. No matter that BM let her and her sister down countless times. She is still their mother and they love her.
You are not this kid's father. I don't know what amount the bio father pays each month but it should approach the level of paying for half of the kid's needs. If you are stepping in and paying money for this kid, that is a completely VOLUNTARY action and you should have absolutely no expectation that this entitles you to be anything more than his mother's boyfriend/husband. To the kid, you are his mom's SO and can be a role model/helper/friend to the child etc. but you aren't the dad. You don't get to buy your way into being the father.
It's great that you care about the boy. It's awfully nice for you to be willing to help support his needs. But, it still doesn't entitle you to a place as his "father". this means you shouldn't have ANY expectations of anything for father's day. You shouldn't expect to be invited to the father son banquet at cub scouts.. even if YOU are paying his dues.
I know it's tempting to try to fill that role, but with a bio dad in the picture, you are setting yourself up for disappointment by expecting everyone to see you as DAD.
If you want to do things for the child, fine, but please adjust your expectations.
Kudos to mom for not bad
Kudos to mom for not bad mouthing her son's father. He may not be doing what you think he should be doing, but I bet the kid is happy no matter what he does and that is a good thing.
Many of the crazy BMs posted about here could learn a thing or two from your wife.
Agreed. BM is doing what's
Agreed. BM is doing what's best for her son by supporting the relationship with his father. Doesn't take away from what you do for the kid, but if you'd like to get a little more appreciation from your wife just ask for it.
YOU raise him in YOUR home...
YOU raise him in YOUR home... he is YOUR kid. Bio participation is a micro second at the beginning of a childs existance. Parenting is a lifetime commitment.
The operant part of the title of Step parent is not the Step part. It is the parent part.
That said.... this is a conversation you should have with your bride.
And my wife did not marry me
And my wife did not marry me to be a dad to her kid. I chose to be. That does not make me any less his dad and it does not make his biodad any more or less his dad.
Action determins the more-ness of less-ness of a dad in blended families as in any family.
I did not pick up on the OPs
I did not pick up on the OPs intent to be seen as the father.
As for jealousy, I have wrestled with it upon occassion during my tenure as a Step Dad. I would change nothinge. However, having my son resemble so closely a useless POS gives my nternal green eyed monster a twinge upon occassion.
He calls him 'my Lil boy' and
He calls him 'my Lil boy' and states that he wants to be a dad.he wants the boy to BE HIS BOY.
The child has a bio dad who it seems is involved. There seems to be a situation where mom and dad haven't got much formally set up. OP has stepped in and tried to fill the gaps but the problem is by doing this I think he feels he should be getting dad type recognition from everyone and he resents the way the bio dad is getting a pass in his opinion.
Mom needs to get financial support so bd pays his share and she covers the rest. OP should continue to be a good influence but adjust his expectations.
He needs to stop trying to take bds place, he is not the boys father
No worries. I rant upon
No worries. I rant upon occassion myself. As for DNA, in the case of our blended family adventure that is way over rated. At least on the paternal side of my son's gene pool.
I will go back and re-read the OP and the thread to see what I may have missed.