New here to AGE OLD issue I see
Just came across this site when googling about "jealous stepdaughter". I'm 52 and before meeting my now husband 7 years ago, I had never imagined this scenario in my life. Wow, pretty darn common it looks like....Don't know all the letters used on here well (like DH), I'm assuming it means (something) husband, so sorry but I'll be spelling stuff out. When I first started dating my now-husband of 2 years, his daughter was then 20. Her mother (husband's ex) had committed suicide 2 years prior to our meeting. However, his ex had left daughter at age 16 with him to raise 2 years before the divorce. Obviously, ex had some mental issues, I've been told bi-polar, but I don't know if that was ever officially determined. My husband is a kind, tolerant, and generous man, and I had never been treated so wonderful in my life as he did from the beginning and still does. From the beginning, it was obvious that his daughter wanted nothing to do with me, and she treated me as if I wasn't even present, and treated my two sons the same way. To be honest, even though this was very hurtful, I tried to take into consideration her past experience, and obvious adoration of her father (well deserved). But...in 7 years, this has barely budged at all, AND there have been some very uncomfortable instances over time, her wedding (divorced one year later), holidays, etc. She is very covert in her actions, and presents to her father as if she likes me. There have been instances where instead of her doing some dirty work towards me, she utilized a friend to do so. When discussed, my husband does not deny that she is obviously jealous with the simple fact that I exist in his life, and tells me that he can see that I have taken the high road from day one, but he admits that he can't change her actions. I can see where it is difficult for him, where it is so covert. I know of one time that he tried talking to her about it, and he said she said nothing at all basically in return to him, acting as if she had no idea what he was talking about. In 7 years, she has come to our home (originally my home) for one holiday. She was much more comfortable being rude to me on "her turf" (husband's home) before he moved in with me. We have went to spend many holidays with her, which then alienates my sons as they are not comfortable going because of how she has acted towards them, like outsiders. I have now reached a "I'm done" point, and will NOT go to any holidays elsewhere than my own home. I told my husband this, and he told me that he agrees with that. We'll now see what the holidays bring then this year....hopefully some cheer for me and my family!
My SD was like this - being
My SD was like this - being 'sweetsie-sweetsie' in front of DH but when he was out of the room she turned into a b#!ch and treated me like dog doo. DH would tell me, "I didn't see it", or imply I was imagining things. I went through this for twenty years for before SD slipped up and had a meltdown in front of DH. Even with that, DH didn't want to do anything about it. I had to finally put my foot down on my own.
Glad your DH agrees to have holidays in your home and that he can actually see that SD is difficult. But when she said she did not know what he was talking about he left and let her off the hook. You shouldn't have to always be the one to take the 'high road'. It is obvious your DH does not want conflict. I think you are doing the right thing by making it clear to your DH you will no longer put up with SD's behavior. If he wants you two to have a relationship maybe he should take action but at this point it looks like he doesn't really care - and THAT is a big plus for you. Disengage. Let him deal with her. Don't mention her name or listen to him talk about her anymore.
Diddo...Sandye21. The only
Diddo...Sandye21. The only thing I have to add to your post, which fits my situation, is the continued maintenance you should expect with disengagement.
Disengagement has it's concequences, but it is worth it.
What do you mean by the
What do you mean by the continued maintenance you should expect with disengagement? That you have to keep recommitting yourself to it, because it's easy to engage, or is it something else? It does seem like an effort for me to disengage. I keep wanting to get involved. Though certain lines I've been able to draw in the sand now, because I see how saying things to SS15 doesn't work. (Like, don't talk to your mother like that, or trying to enforce even the most mild forms of household rules.) But I step in to talk to DW on the side and often get the "don't lecture me" lecture from her.
Maintenance on disengagement
Maintenance on disengagement is solving the problem as it arises (that's my take); therefore disengagement is an ongoing task.
Good Luck
Everyone's disengagement is different.
Definitely agree on
Definitely agree on disengagement maintenance. I am fortunate now to not have any contact with SD. She's in another state. DH does if he wants to. But every once in a while something will be mentioned, someone will ask about her, or she will forget to acknowledge him on Father's Day or his Birthday. This is when I really have to stop myself from asking any questions about SD or whether he got a Father's Day card from her.
My situation is pretty much
My situation is pretty much the same other than we live in my DH home. We do have plans to sell soon and buy a new home together within the next year. This will be better for me but it won't change how SD26 treats me. She can barely look at me let alone say hello. My DH is very supportive and he certainly pulls her up if she is rude whilst he is around, so she does the minimum she has to, hello, goodbye, that is the extent of our relationship. I have followed her lead in this and do the same. I no longer go out of my way to make conversation with her, I don't invite her for dinners, I don't put myself forward to ever go to her home with DH and assist him when he has been summoned to do some chores for her. I leave DH to manage his relationship with SD and I don't ask him about her, I am not interested. If I know she is popping round to our place, sometimes she comes to visit her brother, I make other plans, working late, going to see a friend, shopping to do etc, basically I avoid her and it works ! When I think about it, SD's visits are far less frequent now than say 12 months ago so it's definitely working. The only event I will have at our home where she is included will be Xmas, I don't really see how I can get out of that one unfortunately :jawdrop:
Just dismiss her and go on
Just dismiss her and go on with your life. Let your DH see her external to you.
I have a SS who is 30. I have seen him twice (for minutes) in the past 4 years. And he lives minutes away. I do not include him in Christmas or any other holidays.
SS is desperate to reconnect. Almost every conversation that DH has with him he says "DS says hi" or "DS says to have fun tomorrow night" -if I'm seeing friends. or "Have a good trip" if I go someplace.
Meh - so what. I am older than DH and have more money. As I have no children SS so wants to jockey into place to be my heir. Will not EVER happen.
Yup - SS30 is totally
Yup - SS30 is totally revolting. I do not care if he or his spawn or babymama live well and proper or not - but they will not get one penny of "help" from me.