His and Ours and Facebook. And the thing that Sd did last night.
My husband doesn't really post a lot on fb. He's on it all the time though. When we were dating and sd was 4, he posted adorable pics of her constantly with captions like "my angel." Sometimes as we were falling in love it hurt my feelings that he never posted pics of the two of us, not anything- even after the wedding, not on the honeymoon. He just kept posting pics of sd- sometimes pics all 3 of us. His profile pic is one of the three of us (sd then 6) with my face kind of squashed out behind the two of theirs. I brought it up once or twice that it made me wonder a little bit he brushed it off "you know I don't care about facebook."
Then we had two kids together. He's posted one of each of them on the day they were born. Now our older is almost 2, and we have a 5 month old. If I put pictures of my babies up on my account he won't "like" them. He'll only "like" the ones of all of us, or the ones I (occasionally) post of sd, who's now 8.5.
What happened last night: sd wanted to make us dinner. She's been watching the show chopped and loving the idea that she's a future chef. So DH got her set up to make chicken parm and some roasted veggies- she did chop everything and she breaded the chicken and assembled everything with his help. He was busting at the seams proud of her. Dinner was really good, and I told her so. I thanked her and said I was really impressed by her efforts and her interest in cooking. DH and SD went on and on through dinner talking about how amazing the meal was and saying what awesome chefs they both are. Blah blah. (Modesty much?)
At the end of dinner DH left the table and I started to clear plates and clean, sd was still finishing. She is a horrible eater and mostly even just wants sweets which DH gives her if she eats about five bites of real food. I told her she needed to eat one more note of chicken to be done- she said ok but then started eyeballing me etc... I looked at her occasionally and see her wiping her mouth repeatedly with her napkin, then she gets up and tells me she needs a new napkin. Then this napkin goes in the trash. I said, "you better not be hiding chicken in that napkin" and she says, "I'm not." Then says she ate it and gets up to clear. I look in the trash a few minutes later and sure enough she had thrown her chicken out. So, now I'm mad because she defied me because DH wasn't there to watch and then lied to my face.
I told DH this story and he was laughing. He did later casually tell her "no dessert because you were sneaky and lied" and she said ok. He told her "we don't lie" and asked her to apologize. She gave me her one line "I'm sorry" through tears. I gave her an earful of how hurt and disappointed I was. I gave her a hug but I don't really think she was genuinely remorseful.
Anyway- right after this DH then posts a pic of her and a brag on facebook about his wonderful girl and her amazing dinner. Now facebook is blowing up about how amazing she is. I can't "like" that shit today. Are all parents this blind? Or maybe it's just the lack of unconditional love I feel since I'm not her mom.
That's all. I just needed to vent and hope someone else understands.
Eugh I would have blown up
Eugh I would have blown up too- I can't stand liars- drives me berserk !!!
It's like he is so guilty daddy that he is afraid to love anyone more than her or show love to his own children even if it is just on Facebook
Perhaps he feels others will be judging him - I don't know
It is weird that there is not a single pic of the wedding/honey moon/ your children
Also when you mention it you are brushed off which is disrespectful
I don't really know what you can do if he won't listen -But perhaps take a lead from him and focus on your own children
I don't see a problem with
I don't see a problem with what DH did, he believed you, punished her, and made her say sorry. What more were you expecting out of it? Him not to think his daughter is cute? Not to be proud of his daughter for cooking? Because that's not going to happen.. I would have let her toss the chicken out and not said a word, not my business what she eats or doesn't eat, I'm not her parent, either way the chicken is gone, doesn't hurt my feelings.
As far as the facebook posts, tell him it bothers you. I had similar problem with my DH, probably a little worse, he would show totally blatant favoritism, and he has slowly worked to correct himself. I think part of the dynamics that played into it was our kids were so young, and really couldn't interact with him, and hurt his feelings quite often since they really only wanted me because I was their primary caregiver. Then there was SD who is older, offering more interaction, he was always her primary caregiver, and she only wanted to be next to him. Now the dynamics have changed, SD is close to being a teen now, and spends more time in her room or away doing her own thing, and she is moody quite often, and she's not real fun to be around all the time. Our kids are older too, and they excitedly love their dad, and will pick their dad over me in a heartbeat.
My bride tells a story about
My bride tells a story about my FIL that makes a huge impression on me. She was about 9 and brought home all As on her report card. She was very proud of herself and showed her dad. He said that is good. This was anticlimactic for my wife so she asked her dad why he was not as happy as she was about it. His response was that rewards come from doing more than you should. Doing what you should is just doing what you should. He told her to keep up the effort.
I think more kids could stand that message these days rather than the nauseatingly sweet worship and praise that so many get for doing nothing more than what they should be doing.
It is great that your SD cooked dinner. Do she and her dad celebrate and gush on you when you do it? I think a "thanks for cooking, that was good and I enjoyed it" would be adequate praise for a nothing she shouldn't be doing anyway effort. The adoration fest meal was indicative of a huge issue with both your DH and his "spe-cial" spawn.
This has nothing to do with either unconditional love or the lack of it. It has to do with the societal cult of child adoration we have evolved to in our country. We praise and worship and give trophies for absolutely nothing and then wonder why our young people need safe places while at university, build up insane school debt, get useless degrees that are only good for wiping shit off of their own asses (which many never learned to do for themselves anyway)rather than giving them access to a career, and then we are all shocked and mortified when these entitled and unearned trophied little shits can't function as adults.
I would have made the magic little chef and DH clean up the mess.
Thanks everyone. I do only
Thanks everyone. I do only come to the Internet for support like this when I'm feeling down about some aspect of stepfamily life, so if the tone came across as resentful that would be why. We're usually pretty good as a family and DH and I as a team, but our marriage has had some bumps obvi and having young kids probably highlights those. We're both exhausted a lot of the time, but SD doesn't bring me the same joy my other kids do so her need for attention and praise (which is pretty big) sometimes puts me over the edge emotionally. DH is usually just so happy she's here he thinks we should drop everything and in a way, celebrate. Yes I can see of course okay for a dad to want to display his pride for his daughter. Yes she did a cool thing when she took the lead on dinner.
Rags I think you touched on something- he doesn't celebrate my achievements much, if ever, indeed a sticking point for us is he often takes credit for things I do (actually, for example, cooking dinner!) or diminishes my accomplishments when we're around others. He's quite competitive with me and I think even with parenting can get annoyed when our younger kids show me too much affection over him, or if they don't show it to him way he wants them to. SD is very affectionate and sweet - he sometimes acts like she is the way a child "should" be. Just like I "should" want to play with her all day and make a big deal out of all of her small (normal) achievements. I don't even approach parenting my own kids that way.
She is in fact a really good kid. She has many great qualities and I'm lucky to have a (mostly) great relationship with her. Lying was a huge no-no in my family and I think her deceit really floored me.
Thanks for listening. We did talk and he was very willing to hear my side. The rest of the day went better yesterday.