36 year old, pregnant for second time/Need help in disengaging
Hi...need help in disengaging. Have spent many years trying to help an adult stepdaughter. She is manipulative, talks VERY disrepectfully to me and her father. We have paid her way for over a year...rent, cell, you name it. And, there is always a crisis where we have to pay more. She has one child who is 9 and she is seeing an unemployed man without a car. We also bougth her a car. She works, but spends on what SHE wants, not on the bills.
She informed us she is actively trying to get pregnant! She does not get child support from father #1! The new boyfriend already has a 6 year old and a 3 month old. He was never married and we doubt he pays child support as he's been unemployed for 9 months. You get my drift. We CLEARLY told her we would NOT support another baby as it isn't fair to her first child. She became irate and stated we are bullies. Now,she, is is ignoring us--until she wants more money.She has, at times, told the grandson we do not want him with us when we have made a plan to take him somewhere. I have had to confront her on this and she denies this, but the grandson called me in tears telling me: Mommy said you don't want me with you. This breaks my heart.
Her older brother is FURIOUS with us for not supporting her MORE! He ignores us totally and has basically had nothing to do with us for over 12 years. He is happily married with 4 children and we never see him or his wife. I invited them on a vacation last summer and the wife and kids came...sent a thank you card to my husband and never mentioned me.They mentioned my husband, thanked him so much and totally avoided mentioning my name, Needless to say, I was hurt.
I have shortened this as MANY more hurtful things have happened. After all these years of trying, I am going to disengage. I will no longer remember birthdays, Christmas...nothing. We are NEVER remembered.They ignore our young daughter and never remember her on birthdays or Christmas. I feel like a doormat and respect myself enough to end it.
Be honest; I need your advice. I am disengaging totally for my sanity. My husband agrees this is the only thing we can do. I am sad for him. Told him he can visit his son and daughter any time he wants. I do not want to interfere with their relationship. But, the bio mother seems to have poisoned the adult chliden against him.
Thanks for your time!
Yes it sounds like you are at
Yes it sounds like you are at the breaking point for sure. Disengaging would be a great start, followed by cutting off SD financially.
The stepkids don't take either one of you serious and that's probably due to the fact that you have been enabling adult stepkids. Now that you are starting to set boundaries, they think its a joke because there were never boundaries before.
Its definitely time to cut the cord and let SD handle her own biz. If she keeps the grandbaby from you, that's awful but you're sanity is at stake here and once that goes, you're a goner. Please don't allow these step adult children to take your peace. Hold your ground, disengage and refocus your energy into your marriage.
I'm a a mom of four at 40.
I'm a a mom of four at 40. Gosh sometimes I think I would love another one because I really love being a mom BUT I only have the amount that I can afford. Right now I'm paying at least $700 a month in childcare. A second one would mean $1400. I really don't know how parents with twins do it. To me this is just so crazy to try and actively have a child with an unemployed deadbeat that she is not married to. And this isn't even an episode of teen mom on MTV but a 36 year old woman already being supported financially by her dad and stepmom!
Why are you and your husband
Why are you and your husband supporting her to begin with? No wonder she expects it.
Let her older brother support her, if he is so furious that you won't.
^My thoughts exactly.
^My thoughts exactly.
It's called enabling. Dad
It's called enabling. Dad feels guilty and her mother is an even worse enabler. We told her she will end up on welfare. We are done. I know this may sound cold. But, enough is enough.
It's called enabling. Dad
It's called enabling. Dad feels guilty and her mother is an even worse enabler. We told her she will end up on welfare. We are done. I know this may sound cold. But, enough is enough.
No it doesn't sound cold that
No it doesn't sound cold that you are done with her. Sounds reasonable and smart. If she ends up on welfare that is entirely her choice.
It is not cold at all, it
It is not cold at all, it should have been done a long time ago, for her own good.
We know what it's called, most of us are very familiar with it! I just don't get supporting a grown.ass.woman.
If her dad feels guilt, he should feel it for not allowing this woman to become independent. He has done her no favors.
BM over here enables my SD24 and she is screwed if anything happens to her mother because I won't play that and neither will my DH.
ugh, you are going to
ugh, you are going to disengage? Ugh how about cut the financial umbilical cord. Seriously, cut her off and stop enabling.
Will she or her brother support you and DH in your old age when you are destitute?
I didn't think so.
Thank you for your support.
Thank you for your support. We will NOT be bailing her out at ALL. This time, she is on her own! I'm a people-pleaser, but at the point where I've been burned WAY too many times. She needs to GROW UP. The nastiness, screaming, name-calling---after all the help she has received is awful. I have completely disengaged. Husband is on board for the first time in 20 years! But, I will need all of you for support as you understand this like no one else.
Guidance counselors need to
Guidance counselors need to start a new career path. Have sex, get pregnant, don't be responsible and expect everyone else to pay your and your kid's way. Teach some manipulation techniques for inducing guilt.
I'm glad you and DH have cut the purse strings. Stay strong.
Awful situation for you to be
Awful situation for you to be in what horrid people you have to deal with
Focus on your younger daughter and building a strong relationship with her your partner and any close friends or family you have.
No more money to the adult sk
If sd goes broke and is homeless , grandson can come and stay till she gets on feet but she is not welcome. She can pitch a tent in the local park. If her brother, ss is so angry that no money is being given to help her let him hop to it himself and help her out. And where is BM in all of this? She caused it so let her fix it !
I do have a real storm on my
I do have a real storm on my hands. Sought out a therapist who is very intelligent and husband agreed to go. Initially, he said :"we don't need a therapist". I reminded him that he's OFTEN said before: "not one more penny"...and, we ended up paying the rent, the car---if she became ill and was hospitalized. I will not tolerate this any longer. Can't live with "waiting for the next shoe (LARGE BOOT) to drop! I don't deserve this and neither does he! SD has called him every awful name in the book, screamed that she was never helped, and told him it's none of his business that she is planning another child because "you won't help me". Ugh!
I'm trying to figure out the
I'm trying to figure out the next manipulative move. She will use grandchild. How sad. This is an awful way to love...it's like always living in fear. I'm a very compassionate person, but this is over-the-top.
Yes, she will use the
Yes, she will use the grandchild. That is what you and your DH will have to stand strong against.
It's not easy when a child is involved but she is the child's parent and SHE needs to to take care of him and provide for him, NOT you and your DH.
I really appreciate all of
I really appreciate all of you here. You have no idea.
Oh, meant to add..BM is a
Oh, meant to add..BM is a huge enabler. Calls DH to "discuss how they will pay for SDs bills"! This had ended. BM has helped to poison the step kids toward DH and me. She is a very angry, jealous woman.
I know. BM has a way of
I know. BM has a way of "talking him into guilt paying". He is aware of this and said he will no longer involve her. I have told him there is NO reason she needs to be involved. Although, SD doesn't do a thing without Mommy approving. If she is upset with a doctor, Mommy calls the office! If she is taking a class and having problems, Mommy calls the college! The BM is an awful enabler. She ses me as the rotten, horrble BM who has no heart. Ha! I'm the one who took in the SD at age 14 when Mommy threw her out. Mommy couldn't handle her teenage antics then. We were paying Mommy child support, but once she came to live with us, and made life HOLY HELL, for years, she never visited nor sent any child support. Actually, we had to pay BM to take her for ONE WEEKEND! I would never tell SD this.