Love DH....Loathe Skid...How to cope
Earlier this year my DH's S14 magically decided to grace us with his presence after almost 3 years of not giving a shit to see/spend time with DH (long story), so of course DH is thrilled, me not so much. Needless to say this has been the cause of many fights and near break ups between us for several reasons. I cannot stomach their touchy mcfeely relationship it is truly nauseating and the kids constant ass kissing of my DH is equally as nauseating, among other things.
Bottom line, I despise this kid and everything about him BUT I love and want to be with my DH. DH wants to be with me too but obviously I need MAJOR help in this area as I am a "wear my heart on my sleeve/diarrhea of the mouth" type of person. This is truly thee hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life, having someone in my life/house/business that I cannot stand and don't trust as well as all the secrecy etc that goes on between him and DH that irritates me as well.
I have ZERO desire to like this kid or have a relationship with him, that ship has long sailed, I just need advice on how to handle having him around EOWE without losing my shit (which has already happened once to a small degree).
For those of you who are NOT skid fans...How do you personally deal with skid visits? How do you "prepare" yourself for the visits? How do you deal with a "rose colored glasses" wearing SO? Do you think it is OK/acceptable for your SO to treat his relationship with skid(s) as off limits/a secret that they don't have to tell you anything about, why/why not?
Thank you in advance for your helpful replies!
My therapist recommended I
My therapist recommended I read Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl. It's a holocaust memoir. I'm about 20% in, and so far I'm thinking he's encouraging me to figure out just to suck it up because it could be worse, but I'll let you know if I find a good way.
Up to now, I've been pretending the little jerk doesn't exist.
That's a very good book about
That's a very good book about surviving trauma. Loved it. I may have to reread and see how it applies to this situation. Thanks for the heads up that it may apply. What I took out of that book is, life is too short and unpredictable to be stuck and not move on.
I think I just answered my
I think I just answered my own question without having to reread it!
This totally cracks me up for
This totally cracks me up for some reason. The therapist is right, it could always be worse, I mean half the problems we deal with in America are hilarious in the worlds of the worlds issues but the holocaust wasn't a choice for people and being married with an as* skid is.
Same boat here could have
Same boat here could have written your post word for word............except that mine is a SD. You are right it is the hardest thing in my life too. I don't know how to deal well with it either. I'm the opposite though, I keep my mouth shut bc once I've said something and boy oh boy did DH have a fit of how dare I. So it's not worth the fighting for me, not worth losing my sleep over.....
I try to stay busy, and stay out of it for the most part, keep busy with my child, etc. Sorry I know I'm not much advice for you but I can relate.
Busted can o' biscuits...
Busted can o' biscuits... there is just no other way to describe a muffin top that's out of control!
Busted dinosaur ass was my
Busted dinosaur ass was my bad... }:)
I'm going to say, if you are
I'm going to say, if you are left out of the relationship, if you feel left out in your own home, I have no idea how to deal with that, other than your partner needs to value you and include you. Period. Without that, I don't think it will work unless you completely disengage, as in if SS isn't there often do other things when he is. If he's there often, you can't hide forever so this will be hard. You have a basic need to feel included in your home and included in your partners life, that isn't asking a whole lot. Ask him to include you, give him time to do so, while you think of specific examples that make you feel bad when he's mucking it up. You don't need to have a great relationship with skids to feel included, it's just a matter of discussing decisions that need to be made, for time to also be spent with you, and to prioritize his personal relationship with you above any others. Does he spend time alone with you when SS is around? Or is it like you basically don't exist? Because it wouldn't be cool if you're only good enough when SS isn't around. Another bit of advice, when the sht starts hitting the fan, get out of there, out of the room or house. Go be alone and ignore it, until you calm down. Hopefully your mans smart enough to come see what's wrong, if you go in another room. Have your bedroom off limits. Have a room in the house that's ALL yours, no H either. That way you have a safe place in the home & your bedroom can feel like a relationship sanctuary. I'm still figuring this stuff out myself, but those are things that have helped me.
The first few visits I
The first few visits I avoided skid like the plague bc I was beyond furious that he came back in the picture and turned everything upside down, then I decided I would be present for my own reasons, when I did this I was obviously exposed to their nauseatng interactions but skid was also very reserved and didnt say/do much when I was present, but once I would step away he latched onto DH like the leech that he is. When I was present DH and I would talk alot, be affectionate etc but DH and skid were not really saying/doing too much together, DH would be affectionate with him and talk to him yes but they mostly would be messing around on their phones, watching tv, taking a nap etc. eventho my DH said I was more than welcome to be apart of his visits with skid their behavior with eachother while I was present as opposed to when I stepped away was like night and day! Almost as though I was "stiffling" their fun, lovey dovey bonding time :sick: .
Thankfully, DH agreed with me that our bedroom is off limits to skid...that is my sanctuary and I blast the tv loudly when I want to drown out their gag-worthy interactions. Unfortunately, my DH's mentality is that when his kid is present he isn't going to take time away from him and spend time with just me, it is all about the shitstain from the time he gets picked up until the time DH comes to bed with me and then until he gets dropped off, unless I want to include myself in THEIR time I don't get any quality time with DH while he is there, pretty fucked up in my opinion but of course precious can't be left alone or made to feel unwanted/not included etc bc that is all the time he gets to see/spend with precious. :sick:
This past weekend I couldn't hold it in and went off on DH in front of skid bc I wanted them OUT of my house bc I couldn't stomach them anymore...as a result my DH and I almost called it quits, I even called a lawyer, it was that bad. But then my DH told me he loved me, we talked a bit and we basically have been good since that transpired. I still want and need to have a real heart-to-heart with him about things regarding his kid and all the bs that comes along with it, I want to try to make US work but DH needs to make some changes too bc I am NOT living like THIS for NO man much longer.
Ask your man to spend some
Ask your man to spend some alone time w/ you when SS is over. Ask him to spend an hour or two w/ you. This is perfectly reasonable. One it'll show you aren't second best, only good enough when SS isn't around, it'll show you he values you. It'll give your man a little break, adult time. Also, it'll show SS that adults in relationships make time for each other. Showing a young man how to treat a woman, is especially important when BPs are broken up, same is true of daughters.
You need to figure out where your anger is coming from. What the problem is. Talk to your man about how you feel, don't blame, put anyone down, or make accusations. Try phrasing like "I feel _, because of _. How can we fix this?". Ask for compromise. If nothing changes and you aren't happy, perhaps try a different way to look at things. See it as a weekend of complete freedom, because you can do whatever you want, while your mans stuck with some kid. Go live your fun single life, aside from the obvious no no's, when your guys busy with his kid. It is only eowe, so that gives you eowe to be completely free! I also participate in giving them errands to run and stuff to do, it gives you full reign of the house, a feeling of control over your environment again, and quiet/peace.
I would suggest that you make
I would suggest that you make sure to have your non-Skid weekends fully booked with meaningful activities for you and DH and do the same for your skid weekends sans DH and the Skid.
If the Skid's presence is nauseating to you... remove yourself from his presence.
Better yet... rather than letting SS evict you from your home..... send he and DH out and about dealing with errands. After all, since you and DH will be maximizing your non-skid time with enjoyable things that leaves only non-skid time for chores, errands, etc.... Load them up with Honey-do's on Skid days. }:)
What better way for a 14yo young man and his dad to bond and spend meaningful time together than working? There is often nothing more enjoyable than a man and his son to work together, for dad to transfer knowledge to a young man. For sure that is the case when the young man in question is pleasant and of suitable character. When the kid is a toxic crotch nugget... that same activity is a living hell. Either way it will be valuable time for DH and his .... son. }:)
Have fun.
Could it be possible some of
Could it be possible some of the dislike you feel for SS is resentment over your DH's secret relationship? This played a big part for me. If so I have no advice because NOTHING is going to work until you feel you and your DH is on the same page and that he is not living a double life. I don't know if the secrecy created your feelings or if your feelings created the secrecy. It's important you figure this out. In my case it was the secrecy/lying/inappropriate contact with skids/BM/MIL that created my anxiety. Mine was a DH issue (and the reason we are now separating)
Yes, it is both but I already
Yes, it is both but I already disliked skid a long time ago but now that he and DH are in constant contact via text/phone and I know NOTHING about what is being said etc I despise him all the more and of course I have resentment/anger towards DH as well...as much as I want to make my marriage work, DH will be the reason that it ends bc of shutting me out and living what I feel is a double life.
On skid weekends, I make
On skid weekends, I make myself scarce. Plans with friends, go out of town, have plans by myself... There are times when I'm out of the house before they arrive, coming back after they go to sleep, and out of the house again before they awake. I cannot stand them for a wide variety of reasons. They are there to visit with DH; NOT me. On rare occasion, I will participate in some "family" outing, but I do NOT in any way, shape, or form, consider them to be my family. DH is my family. The skids are NOT.
I was doing that in the
I was doing that in the beginning, avoided him like the plague, but then I would think about all the things that were going on, could be going on etc and how it is my damn house and I am not letting some pos run me out or think he can have my DH all to himself etc so I decided to stick around to monitor what was being said/done and not let skid think he had the upper hand etc.
Same here...I married DH. Period. His dropping is UNwanted baggage! :sick:
Tasha, when I'm in the house
Tasha, when I'm in the house on skid weekends, I basically ignore their existence. If they say hello, I say hello. If they speak to me, I answer. Short, pleasant, and to the point. I do not cook for them. DH does. He makes the crap-tastic stuff they like to eat and I either go out to dinner or cook something delicious for myself. If I cook, I wash MY dishes. DH has to tell a 13yo and 16yo to put their dishes in the sink. DH does the dishes and cleans up any leftovers. If the skids are in the living room, I'm in the bedroom or family room. If the skids are in the family room, I'm in the living room or bedroom.
You can buy an iPod and listen to music. I have very keen hearing and can hear everything said - even with the iPod on. DH has poor hearing and misses a lot.
He is not unwanted by his
He is not unwanted by his father. He will be his father until the day he dies. You are not more entitled to that man than his son is. :?
Keep this up and you will lose the very thing you're fighting so hard to hang on to.
You need to control your
You need to control your anger and jealousy. You have posted for years about your loathing of the kid. Our husband is patient with your son. There is a chance he blames you for their previous distance. You sound unpleasant to be around. Honestly, I see you make excuses for your actions. You need to reign it in. Your husband is smarting up to your ways. Keep up the anger and you will be back at your moms.
i has this situation with the
i has this situation with the skids. no contact while they were in another state with bm. dh would call an beg for his children to talk to him. of course when birthdays and Christmas were around the corner the skids would suck up because they saw gifts and knew their father would go crazy buying them their outrageous demands.
you dont need to love your skid. just be polite and play the role of the adult in the home. if your dh does not honor you as his mate and equal, its time for you to change things in your favor.
insist that you are backed up in all matters of decisions and discipline. S14 should not be allowed to call the shots.