It's really up to you but if you want to go to support your husband, go. For me, get togethers have never been an issue because my DH will not go where BM is. Period.

When my SD had her first kid, I went to the hospital with my DH. SD swore to him that she would make sure BM was not there because she knows (saw for years) that they DON'T get along.

Guess what? BM was there, with a friend, who she talked to the whole time about her new (4th) husband and her great life (who cares?). Although DH did not want to stay long, having other people there kept BM in check since she likes to prove to others that DH is the problem, not her.

Anyway, I would not let the SD or BM determine what you do. Do what YOU want to do and what you feel is best for your DH and the two of you as a couple. My SD knows, where DH goes, so do I (because he wants me to). Nothing she can do about it.

Funny side story, BM divorced the 4th husband (who she was SO happy with) shortly thereafter. She is currently trying to divorce her 5th husband, while living with a different guy, who might be lucky #6 someday.

No. You're not wrong in not going to the hospital. You have no business pushing yourself into the delivery and or hospital room of SD if she chooses not to have you.

Marrying her father gives you no 'rights' to intrude on the birth of her child.

Hopefully once she and baby are home and settled, you and husband can visit together to greet the child.

My husband's son's GF had a baby in December. We were out of town. It's not that we planned to be out of town for the birth but she delivered almost 6 weeks early. I don't know if DH would have gone to the hospital to await the birth if we'd been there. That would have been his decision not mine. But I would not have gone.

DH has stopped by to see the baby several times. The GF got her feelings hurt that I had not come to see the baby. My thoughts - Really? I'd never met her. I was not invited to one shower (there were several). The gifts I sent with DH were never acknowledged. And I have never once been invited to their new house. I don't just drop by strangers' homes where I have not been invited.

A few days later DH asked me if SS could stop by to pick something up (or drop something off - I didn't really pay attention). SS shows up with the baby and GF so now I've met both. It's a baby. Cute. But I felt no attachment at all. I have no attachment. I have had more attachment to my friends' babies.

I don't think the GF has the best mothering skills. She yelled at the baby (yes really scolded him harshly) when the baby spit up. That's what babies do. It's not on purpose.

1) "Her dislike for me is obvious".
2) It's your DHs grandkid not yours.

Why would you even want to be at the hospital?

Leave SD to celebrate her first child without making this an issue involving yourself. It sounds like she would not want you there anyway.

I agree - just say no - thank you. Tell DH go and enjoy meeting your new grandchild. See you when you get home. End of discussion. The more you say the more likely it will turn into a big argument or power struggle.

I wouldn't go if I were in your shoes either. Nothing to get upset about - it is what it is

OP,

this is where you practice loving detachment; love and support your husband in "HIS" situation, while you detach. If you want to be involved at all you could help him choose a gift to bring to the hospital, sign the congrats card...etc. If he pressures you to go, tell him that you love him and are supportive of his relationships and gracefully decline. If you feel like you need an excuse not to go, say that you have a runny nose and don't want to expose the new baby to germs.

When ss26 was still in the military, DH had the option of flying back east to greet his first grandchild. He mulled over it and I told him to go. I of course was not going to go with him because I had obligations at home and knew there would be other chances to meet the baby. BM and DIL's mother were of course going to be there, but they were not factors in my decision. In the end DH didnt go because he didn't want to shell out the $$$. But I came out smelling like a rose because of how supportive I was.

It sounds counter-intuitive, but I advise that you don't offer any detailed explanations of why you aren't going. Resist the temptation to bring up anything about SD not liking you, past hurts, or how you don't feel wanted there, or whatever. In my experience, the more you try to explain, the more you will become the bad guy. Just be nice, offer congrats, don't apologize for your decision and don't let him pull you into a fight because he wants explanations that he can argue against.

Your DH is likely to resist the idea that you are not going. He may even get huffy over it. When I first started detaching from my adult skids DH was crushed. It was a learning curve for him. Now he gets it (usually, but still he sometimes can't believe that I don't want to be part of the crazy).

I'm not sure how you can soften the blow for him, but I am fairly certain you are right in your decision not to go.

dup

This decision should be based off from your relationship with sd. Is it a relationship of choice? (where both of you have mutually come to the table and decided to engage in a relationship with each other) or is it a relationship of circumstance? (both of you end up being in the same space because of circumstances). With that being said...it sounds like a relationship of circumstance to me. Having a baby is a pretty intimate moment in life...If she does not want you in her space...I think you should respect that. Don't wait for her to have to tell you to stay away...( you know inside how they feel)...I would respect that she is an adult, and that is where she is at. I would not be waiting in the background, pining for acceptance (or an invitation)...Now is the time to rejuvenate a new respect for yourself as a person. If that is how they feel...accept it. Not all relationships are created equal. (even in families that remain in tact)...

They are not all going to be relationships of choice...spme people just choose not to...Move on..I would not buy gifts or send cards or do anything that reflects you are begging to be involved with this person's life...You have to be able to walk away...and they need to know that is an option you are willing to exercise..."It is what it is" right now...I would totally focus on something else for now...let the silence do the talking.

Dh should not expect you to keep laying yourself out there like that..only to be rejected over and over again...That is so thoughtless and uncaring for your personhood. If you do not respect yourself enough to protect yourself from such harmful attitudes and exclusionary treatment...then how do you expect him to respect you? It has to start with you caring about yourself enough to stop being the rug for the rest of them...you are worth more than that..and you need to network with others who feel the same...who celebrate you...not tolerate you.

You are the one who chooses...not them...right now, I would quietly redirect my focus to something else...anything else..you need to not make them the center of your attention...you need to choose not to be the audience for their theatrics...it is called individualizing in a relationship when you chose to pull away...and start treating it like it is...a relationship of circumstances...that's all.
There is more to life than step kids. much more....we spend so much time beating ourselves up...questioning every move we make...Is this the right thing to do? who am I going to effect if I do that? shoot, by the time you read all these responses, the kid will be graduating high school before you get to decide...They consume Way too much of our energy.

Somehow, you need to re evaluate the power you have allowed them to have in your life, and push it pack a few more levels...then a few more, then a few more...it takes time to reset the bar. They will struggle at first with your new found freedom to live life completely whole and happy without them...but, in the end...one person should not have that much power over another to begin with...Our position as sm is a total setup for being victimized by hostility...take your life back ...peace

OP, I went thru the same agonizing decision last year when grandskid was born. I ended up going to support my DH and spent hours waiting around with DH & I ignoring nasty looks & snarky comments from SD & BM. And for what? In the end you get to see the baby for 10 or fifteen minutes tops the first day. I wasted a year of my life trying to be the bigger person, trying to guess what games skids were playing, and trying to play nice because I was worried about what skids, in laws & DH would think. I now no longer give one single f$ck and do whatever I want to do. If you don't want to go, don't, and don't feel one single bit guilty. You don't want to go, SD probably doesn't want you there, it's a win win for everyone. DH will be fine, he's a big boy & he's enabled this mess, let him sit there alone. I have had the same experience a previous poster had, once I quit playing along & attending everything (no matter how miserable) DH had much less desire to deal with skids as well.

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