SD getting married. MOTB is paying for wedding, won't allow half sister that was going to be a bridesmaid to attend
I'm not sure how to handle this situation. I have had a difficult past with my SD. She was always extremely spoiled and she didn't like the fact that her father and I had a child together. That was 20 years ago. Since that time, we have developed a friendship and she has gotten very close to her half sister and her step brother (in fact they all consider themselves family). We have always included SD on family trips and family events. We recently ran into some financial difficulty because of my daughter's medical bills and cannot help pay for SD's wedding. SD lives with fiance and she is 31 years old and this is his second marriage, he is 42. We have helped SD over the years, giving her more than $85,000 over the years when we had the financial ability. However, since we aren't helping to pay for the wedding, the Mother of the Bride (ex-wife) has said that husband can't include any of his family. So I asked if her grandmother (husband's mother) could attend. She said, oh yes she can go. So can his brother and sisters. Just not my son and my daughter (who has already been asked to be a bridesmaid). SD said she didn't want to get involved and that we needed to handle it. I told her that if my children weren't invited (ages 23 an 20) and friends of SD's, then I would not be attending. My husband indicated the same. I told him that he had to attend because it was his daughter and that his ex-wife probably was hoping that would happen so SD could walk the bride down the aisle. I think that it is BS an that the SD needs to tell MOTB that it is her wedding and that her little sister and brother (as she is always bragging to everybody) are going to attend. Am I wrong about this? Obviously the issue isn't with my husband, but rather with me. We have been married 23 years and she has been remarried for 25 years. Can somebody give me some insight because I just don't get it and I fear that this will forever break the bonds of my SD and her sister and with me for that matter.
Since mommy is picking up the
Since mommy is picking up the tab mommy gets to call the shots.
If SD and her future husband want a say, they need to foot the bill.
Various versions of this have been posted here often. SM is paying for the stepchild’s party. SK wants to invite mom and SM says hell no. If you don't have a dime in the dollar, you have to sit back and go along with what the person who is paying wants to do.
Billie Holiday’s song God Bless The Child comes to mind
I find SD's comment, "SD said
I find SD's comment, "SD said she didn't want to get involved and that we needed to handle it," very interesting coming from a 31 year old. Interesting that I just made a comment on my wedding experiences on this forum here: https://www.steptalk.org/node/227168
I’m sure you’ll get comments from all over the board. After what I’ve gone thru, my opinion is that it is totally up to the SM whether or not she wants to attend. In this case, they have given you a heads up. That doesn’t always happen. Seems like SD is trying to blame BM, but I’m not so sure. But, millennials are a different breed, and some at her age have less independence than I had at age 18.
I think what BM, SD, SS, etc. forget is that these types of exclusionary actions can have very long ranging consequences. My SS is getting married in about six months now, a destination wedding, fortunately, because that makes it a little easier to say No. I told my husband I won’t be going, and he doesn’t want to navigate the airport/passport mess himself, so he stated he is not going either (very interesting reason for him not to want to go!), but I think the real reason is, he doesn’t want to go into the viper’s den by himself.
You see, BM, SKs forget that dad and his wife are a couple, are married and in love. What you do to one, you do to the other. I’ve given my experiences a lot of thought, and, yes, I’ve decided to step back and make my own choices about what events I do and do not attend, regardless of what DH may want. And, yes, it will affect his relationship with his children. SM doesn’t want to go to events, so DH/dad doesn’t want to go. No fun to go without your partner, back-up. Which = less time with SKs and dad, which = poorer relationship with dad. This will apply to pretty much any “family” event in the future for me, I realize that. Births, grandkid birthday parties, etc. I probably will choose not to go, and my DH will have to make his own choices. BUT, if he wants to do things with them alone, great. I applaud that. At the end of the day, what relationship DH has with his adult children will be due their choices and their choices alone, and not mine.
I think the same advice can apply to your adult children as well. They can decide how they want to take it and integrate it into their relationships with SD.
P.S. By the way, at my SD's wedding, my husband and I footed 1/2 the bill. Didn't make any difference in how we were treated.
BM must harbor some deep
BM must harbor some deep dislike towards you and your children. It's that or she's angry and punishing due to the money not coming forth to finance wedding.
At 31 and 42 there should be no reason for either parent to be footing the bill for this couple. If BM is, it should be because she wants to.
I don't know what to think of the SD's attitude here. She prefers not to get involved? WTF! This is her wedding, her bridesmaids, her guests. Does she need BM's money so badly that there would be no wedding ceremony or what? I don't know where/why SD is being so insouciant with it all.
I do have to say your husband saying he wouldn't attend without you? That should mean a lot to you. Even if you insist he go in the end, he took a stand for you. Not all men would have done that.
Yes my husband is extremely
Yes my husband is extremely supportive of me and knows that I have made a lot of sacrifices for my SD over the years (financially and emotionally). I don't know why BM would harbor ill will towards me since they were divorced when I met my husband and she was remarried...BTW to his best friend from high school. Obviously she has issues. I just feel bad for my daughter because she was really excited for her sister and about being in the wedding. I guess I don't understand the mentality because I even took my ex-husbands new SK on vacation with me and my kids so they could form a tighter bond. I raised my niece and paid for her wedding and didn't think to dictate anything...it was her day and I was offering to pay...I don't think I have any right to dictate...I already had my wedding. I am just trying to understand, and it is difficult because my mind doesn't work that way.
I'm sorry that BM still
I'm sorry that BM still harbours so much hate and insecurity that she can't even allow her daughter to have the wedding she wants.
DH and I had a conversation a couple of weeks ago over drinks about the skids getting married.
Not sure how it came up but DH said that he'd always thought that we'd give the skids a certain amount of $$ towards a wedding, not pay for the whole thing. He also said that if BM said she didn't want me there and if either of the skids agreed he wouldn't go either. (He also said it would change their relationship forever because he loves me and they know how much)
I said thank you but I think you should go to the ceremony if not the reception. That if he didn't BM would just take the opportunity to make up lies about him to everyone.
He agreed and said he'd go and tell everyone that I wasn't there because BM didn't want me!
Now this was just talk over a few drinks and we had a good laugh over it. Hopefully it's not something that we'll ever have to deal with. I actually get along with the skids very well.
Unfortunately, this post was
Unfortunately, this post was too short to explain all of the dynamics of the relationship and the twists and turns that it has taken. I actually paid for my own wedding so that my ML wouldn't have any control over my wedding (she offered to pay but had stipulations). The most important thing about a wedding is sharing it with the people you love...and everything else be damned. I paid for my niece's wedding (it was before my daughter got cancer) and I didn't think twice to dictate the condition of the money. It was HER day. The fact is that SD has already asked my daughter to be in the wedding. They had an estranged relationship for 6 years and it took a very long time to get them to close again. I took the high road and forgave my SD trespasses against us, and mended the fences. We even relocated 3000 miles to be closer so they could rekindle their relationship. And as far as her being 31...that just means that she is an adult and if she can't tell her mother that she wants her sister in the wedding...well that's just sad...doesn't really say much for either one of them. My husband and I gave her $80,000 to buy her first house. We bought the furniture and cosigned for her car. We paid her phone bill, electric bill and credit cards. We covered her health/dental and bought her school clothes every year. That was above and beyond the ridiculously high child support that my husband paid every month. We paid for her to be on a travelling softball team, and then paid for her college. I think that we have more than contributed and should not be shut out of her wedding because after paying for countless surgeries and treatment for my daughter, and I had to leave my job for her care (I was the primary wage earner that paid all of these bills) that we are now extremely strapped for cash (we have two other children in college now also). I disagree. As an adult, and it is HER day, not her mother's, she already had her big wedding, she should have the right to say who she wants in her wedding party. I am not really worried about my son, he is her SB and he won't really care (although they have a great relationship and visit each other often, it just won't bother him), but my daughter is her HS, and they have a great relationship right now. I think I have every right to worry that their relationship will forever be damaged by this as I have already has my daughter take the high road and turn a blind eye to the damage that had been caused previously. I guess what bothers me the most is the fact that it doesn't seem to bother my SD.
The choice is to at least
The choice is to at least tell your mother about your wishes to have your little sister in your wedding. She was originally going to have a less expensive wedding that she was going to pay for with her groom. It was actually quite romantic. But then BM offered to pay for the wedding, stand up for what you believe, money be damned. Family is the most important part of life.
Standing up to her mother
Standing up to her mother could damage their relationship. Which relationship do you think is most important, a daughter and mother or a sister and half sister?
I don't have a bone with
I don't have a bone with anybody, in fact, I was invited to the wedding. Just not my daughter (that's what I don't understand,leave me out of the wedding fine, but why her sister?). And I disagree, if my SD doesn't stand up to say that her sister is more important than her expensive wedding, then that is a sad day indeed. A wedding is a celebration of and rejoicing of bringing together family and if you forsake a family member for that, then you have lost the point. We thought we were going to lose my daughter when she got diagnosed with cancer, and that brought the family back together. If you love your sister, would you really allow her to not be invited? Especially if you have already asked her to be in the wedding. Stand up for what is right, and there are other ways to have a dream wedding that don't have to have formal dinners and a grand resort. A wedding is romantic because of who you are marrying and the people you share it with, everything else is just glitz. Also, I know that my SD had been considering having a quaint wedding with plenty of romance on a budget, until the BM offered to pay for it and make it elaborate (and if you are offering to pay, just like giving a gift, you should worry about the happiness of the bride, not bask in the glory that you paid for it). To choose money over family...that's what I don't understand.
It's HER day, but it's MOM's
It's HER day, but it's MOM's money.
None of things you did for your SD entitles your daughter to an event hosted by mom.
Come on, at the end of the
Come on, at the end of the day it's mean and petty that the BM won't let the half sister come. After all, she was originally going to be a bridesmaid.
It's mean and petty.
Agree. I'm seeing some of
Agree. I'm seeing some of these posters true colors! Whoever pays gets what they want. Like, oh, it is all about money. Even going so far as to imply that the poster's daughter who needed cancer treatment took money away from DH’s bio-daughter for her wedding! What!? Like I said, my husband and I paid for half of his SD’s wedding, and we were still Shanghaied.
"Whoever pays gets what they
"Whoever pays gets what they want."
That is usually the motto around here when the stepmom is paying for something (Birthday parties, graduation parties..)
Why would the motto change when the BM is paying?
It sucks and it hurts when you're on the side being excluded.
Yeah, and in my and my
Yeah, and in my and my husband's case, we paid and didn't get what we want. I think you and sueu2 are just being cruel.
I agree it is petty. No
I agree it is petty.
No matter what choice the SD makes,someone will be hurt.
Thank you for your insight.
Thank you for your insight.
^^^^^^^everything I was
^^^^^^^everything I was thinking. I'd follow this advice.
When people show you who they
When people show you who they are - believe them.
Just write off your SD. She's made her choices (and has the right to do so). She's made it clear that her sister is disposable. Let her move on with her life. And quit wasting energy trying to arrange a relationship when one of the parties isn't interested.
I'm sorry for your daughter. Did the SD have the guts to actually tell her that she could not be a bridesmaid or even attend the wedding because her mommy said so? Please don't try to comfort your daughter with false statements like "it wasn't really SD's fault. She couldn't help it. etc) Just comfort her without trying to make it seem like it was really okay.
Uninviting someone to be a bridemaid and uninviting them to the wedding would only be acceptable if the wedding was way scaled down or if the bridesmade committed some truly awful offense. Of course it will kill their relationship. But of course there really wasn't one there anyway.
And the BM is a bitch for not
And the BM is a bitch for not allowing an originally invited bridesmaid. Small people have small minds. Loser BM.
I'm sorry. Something about
I'm sorry. Something about this just doesn't seem to add up. The half sister originally invited her to be a bridesmaid but then all of a sudden because MOTB or BM is paying she is now the only one banned when you admit that even you as SM is invited.
What interaction did BM and your daughter ever have that would have caused resentment? Was your daughter ever rude or ugly to BM?
Does your daughter have children or a significant other? How many people total were excluded by not inviting your children? Is their a history of animosity between any of your children with BM and or SD?
There seems to be some things left unsaid here. Why was there an estrangement in the first place?
As weddings are extremely expensive today some people naturally do not get invited. Years of disagreement would be a reason for some people to not make the final list when for monetary reasons one must make cuts despite family ties. It's one thing to intitially have grandiose thoughts when wedding planning but when those bids actually start coming in in order to pay for everything else the quest list is the easiest to cut down to save costs.
Likewise if some people bring drama these people are often cut as no one wants drama at their wedding and they certainly don't want to pay to invite it.
If none of this applies to your daughter or son or any party that comes with them (SO) then ask whether it would help If you paid for them to attend which would cost you very little but possibly expand the guest list to include them. If they still say no then it seems that the decision is most likely the SDs not BMs and there is an underlying reason not listed.
Is it possible that (even though it sounds horrid) your SD is jealous of all of the attention recieved by your DD because of her unfortunate diagnosis and she is simply too selfish to share what she views as "her spotlight on her day" and she's blaming it on BM.
It just seems odd that BM would be ok with you going and not your daughter unless she was supporting her daughters feelings or unless she was having to drastically keep the budget down and she and SD agreed your daughters name was one of the ones to cut .
It could be that BM told SD that she wouldn't pay for any of her fathers side and SD and her husband are picking up the tab for you and your H and his mother but they chose not to go further. It is very unfortunate that SD had already asked your daughter to be a bridesmaid and then reneged on the invitation but limiting bridesmaids is another of the commonly suggested ways to cut costs.
Maybe she overextended but then you would think that she would have apologized to your daughter which is why none of this seems to add up.
.
It's seriously petty to kick
It's seriously petty to kick her out and reflects poorly on biomom.
It must be esp difficult when your daughter has had cancer, is recovering and something she was looking forward to has been taken away
However unfortunately in this culture money is power- it controls all and is above kindness and common sense
You can't change that.
Here is what I suggest
Book a spa day / day trip for you and your daughter day of wedding- give her something look forward to
Have your partner attend give daughter away and make sure he tells everyone what has happened - how sd greatly wanted her cancer ridden half sister to be in her wedding cause they are so close but ex disagrees. Make sure everyone knows why you are not there
Do not give another cent of your money to sd ever- your husband wants make contribution from his money fine but no more cars credit cards or houses on your time and dime - let her go to her mother for it
That's what I would do-but I am mean as hell
My grandparents paid for my
My grandparents paid for my parents wedding, the grandparents called all the shots, my parents were in their early 20s. When my BM remarried, she refused any offer of financial help because she wanted to arrange her own wedding. When my father remarried, he did the same; refused financial offerings from his parents because he wanted to have the wedding he wanted.
Im getting married this year, my BM has always (in her own mind) had a set figure aside as her contribution for my wedding/honeymoon. We have graciously accepted her gift offer to use towards our honeymoon but all actual wedding costs are coming from myself and my fiance. Its OUR day, we feel some pride about paying for it ourselves.
Ultimately if your SD felt so strongly about having her half siblings there then she would be saying so to her BM and she would push it as far as refusing to allow her mother to pay for it if her mother is going to dictate that people who are important to her cant be there.
So what can you take from that?
Your children arent THAT important to your SD and the whole big show of a huge wedding is more important to your SD than her half siblings.
The only thing YOU can do is decide how much you allow this to affect you. If you get invited then you can choose not to go, you can make it clear to your SD that you think/feel it is terrible manners for SD to have asked her half sister to be bridesmaid and then have BM ban her from the wedding. But ultimately its their wedding day so its their choice.