The families aren't blending!
Things just aren't going according to our plans. My GF of 1 1/2 years moved in about 6 months ago with her 2sons 11 and 9 . I have one son 12 and two older kids that are out of the house.we spent last fall renovating my house ( she is financially secure and paid for a lot of the materials ) Our plan has been to get married and I would adopt her boys. They are both adopted(by her) and have some pretty serious behavioral issues (FAS, mood disorder ADHD) and are on medication to help with this. despite the challenges they present I'm willing to adopt them and raise them as my own. My son, whom I have a couple nights during the week and every other weekend has a lot of the issues you would expect with new siblings in his space. He gets frustrated with their behavior, is over protective of his belongings, constantly tries to be "better" than the other two. I do everything I can to reassure him and treat him the same way I always have. He understands that I love this woman and her kids and says he's ok with me remarrying. He's a great kid, responsible, good student/Athelete and is well adjusted. He falls a little short on doing chores around the house when he's there, but does contribute.
The main problem I have is how my GF treats my son. He doesn't like to talk to her much, and she make very little effort to engage him. She expects me to make him follow the same rules and the younger kids (bedtime electronics things like that) but he is older and more responsible than them. She accuses me of treating him better, but I think I'm treating him according to his age and responsibly level. When the boys argue and bicker (as boys do) she always blames my son for creating the trouble. When he's not there there is the same amount of bickering and nothing is said about that. She blames my son for everything, including the fact that we haven't gotten married yet.
I feel a sense of obligation to her and her boys, I really do love them. But I'm not going to marry until we have worked out these issues. A marriage now would just complicate things I believe. I don't like feeling like my son is a burden to her. I also don't like feeling like I have to marry her right now or she is going to leave.
Has anyone ever been in this spot? Will things get better?
When I say he "doesn't talk
When I say he "doesn't talk to her much"...he is polite, he just doesn't have a lot to say to her, if she wants to have a conversation. He participates ...Falling short on chores... Her kids do more on a weekly basis because they are there all the time. When he is there he does chores, but usually less than her boys. I'm As far as bedtimes...he goes to bed 45 mins later than the other 2 and uses electronics in his room when they aren't allowed. We do have relaxation time as a couple most days
Blended always tough Option
Blended always tough
Option 1
Sit down with your partner and explain that you want her to disengage; she won't be adopting your son. He has parents and everyone ends up upset if she enforces her rules -Also tell her in no uncertain terms that she needs to tell you if something happens with your son and you will handle it. That way if she is truly blaming your son for everything you can perhaps get proof cause at moment it's just how you feel.
And when she asks you to handle something HANDLE IT
Make sure you still do stuff with kid alone. They need that.
If you want them to bond more encourage some sort of activity for them to share- I think step monster says shoulder to shoulder activity such as jigsaw video game etc BUT DONT FORCE IT OR GET INSULTED IF IT DONT HAPPEN
Option 2
Move out. It doesn't work with different parent styles. Maybe she has to be super strict cause of all problems hers have but now she wants to throw her weight in somewhere else- maybe she doesn't know how to do 'normal' kid ( and I only use that cause hers seem to have ton problems )
Maybe you are too lax and that frustrated her- I don't know
It may be better for all if you can't blend to separate households for next 6 years until ur son is 18. Pay her back for the renevations at a certain dollar figure a month. She parent her kids her way and you do urs your way. Then when they are grown still together move back in
Why make everyone so unhappy including yourself ?
Based on what you have said I think these are your two options - the one compliment I will offer is that you are thinking of your partner and don't want her to think of your son as a burden , most of the step parents on here often complain that there partner expects them to love and worship there bio child as much as they do so least your not burying head in sand on that
That being said make sure your son isn't being made to feel like a burden by her
Yeh not sure on this one I have to say. And teenage years are coming. I honestly favour option 2
I would love it if they would
I would love it if they would bond more... Thanks for the ideas. I do spent time with just him and I. That seems to cause issues because the other two want to do what ever we're doing. She wants her kids to feel equal in everything... We have trouble balancing that. I feel like I'm pretty aware of my sons shortcomings. He is willing to work on things I point out to him. He really is a good kid put into these circumstances through no fault of his own. I feel like I need to exercise patience through this transition phase.
Her kids do have some issues for sure, but they have so many good qualities as well.... I try to focus my son on the positives with them and be more accepting. I want them all to feel like equals... Equally loved and appreciated for the people they are
She and I do have similar parenting styles...firm fair and consultant. she is a self proclaimed clean freak! Chores have to be done her way to her standards, I'm ok with that...clean to my son is not clean to her...lol. We are working on the hieghtened expectations. I just wish she would be more accepting of him. Treat him more like her own..not the annoying neighbor kid. He will reciprocate kindnesses..
Option 2...if it gets to the point that she moves out... I'm sure we'll be done:(
It actually sounds as though
It actually sounds as though she does treat your son like she does her own, but he resents it. Your boy is not that much older than hers, so I don't know that it's unreasonable to expect much the same from at least yours and her 11yo.
"Our plan has been to get
"Our plan has been to get married and I would adopt her boys."
If this is the plan, then why is it an issue that the younger two want to do what you're doing with your bio-son? It sounds like you're thinking of her kids as hers, and not as your own. That would be fine, except that she appears to have taken you at your word that you want to be her boys' parent, too. If that's not what you want to do, you need to be upfront about it instead of not dealing with it.
Also, I think it's unfair of you to justify your desire to treat your son differently by saying that he's older and more responsible. As you've described it, her kids have issues, but the difference between 11 and 12 isn't that great, and frankly I understand her feeling that your kid shouldn't have different rules than the kids that live in the house 100% of the time, especially if you're having "blending" issues. If I were 11, I would be upset to hear that my step brother got to have his electronics up to bed time when I didn't, and that would absolutely cause more conflict between me and my step brother.
From your lady's perspective, it probably feels as though the major issues you have in your relationship are about your son, so for her to be resentful of him doesn't sound unreasonable. Have you all considered counseling to help you communicate?
The renovations...amounted to
The renovations...amounted to a few thousand dollars( we both kicked in) and a lot of sweat equity. No major structural changes or anything like that
This woman is completely
This woman is completely financially secure, as am I . my income is slightly higher than hers.
The pressure to marry is
The pressure to marry is because that was our original plan.
I didn't see some of the issues coming that have surfaced in regards to the kids involved/parenting As a single mom I think that she would like some measure of security that her kids will be taken care of should something happen to her. Marriage right now would only complicate the unresolved problems we have. I'm having trouble getting her to see that.
Chronologically, 11 and 12
Chronologically, 11 and 12 are close. With the issues they have
Developmentally and emotionally they are about 5 years apart, which is huge. They don't have different "rules" they have different expectations.
Nice thought! I've asked
Nice thought! I've asked myself the question...could I raise these boys by myself. I'm not sure I could do.
I just want to thank everyone
I just want to thank everyone for their thoughts and comments. Some of them parallel my thoughts and feelings, some don't, but all of them gave me something think about. It's nice to hear different perspectives. Thanks again for taking time out of your lives to help.