Hello! and some questions...
Hi everyone,
I was feeling like running away from my own home last night when I discovered this forum and first I'd like to say "thank you!" Fof the first time in 5 years I don't feel so alone, it looks like many of us step parents are going through very similar problems, emotions and occasional anguish.
In some ways, I have it easier than many folks here, my step children and husband are, for the most part, pretty good to me and they love me. My DH is very supportive, as he is a step parent too. Also, this is marriage 2, and I'm a bit older than some here, which gives me perspective (and a little less caring about what the new in-laws think)
In other ways, I have it a bit harder than some of you, three out of 4 of our children have special needs (1 aspergers, and 2 ADHDs). My SS10 has ADHD so bad that he still soils his pants. Plus, he has some kind of undiagnosed developmental delay... for example, at age 10 he asked me what "animal does a potato" come from?"
As you guessed it, this child, and his psycho BM (who has a similar psychological makeup), have made life pretty difficult. My ex has mental lhealth issues too... so things can get quite challenging.
What's interesting is that now that most of the drama has passed, we've jumped through law suits and custody battles... we've been able to reduce contact with BM to a minimum... we've been able to get a stable family life together for our kids... we've been able to get treatment and help for our kids that have special needs... we've been able to have our own child (who, thank goodness, does not have any issues... knock on wood!)... but now that the drama seems to have died down, I'm still unhappy.
I thought once we'd get to a place of peace, I'd be happier. But I'm not. Like many on this forum, when my SS10 and SS12 come home, I get filled with dread. The SS10 is hard to deal with, he's basically like a puppy who chases his tail all day and knocks things over. He frustrates everyone, including the other kids and DH, and eventually, everyone is yelling at him, including me.
Then DH and I feel guilty.
DH has a lot of guilt in general towards his two boys. He feels he is not able to give them enough time because he only has 50% custody. He feels bad because of the divorce. This comes out in strange ways, such as agreeing to whatever new ADD-inspired after-school activity is asked for, buying them whatever they want, etc.
This doesn't really bother me, as I have a daughter from a previous marriage and I can relate (somewhat).
It's just that when they come home, I get filled with dread. I feel invated. I feel like DH is ignoring our son. I feel like I can't even enjoy my own kids because SS10 is acting like a maniac. DH asks for advice raising SS10 and SS12, but when I give it, it generally leads to an argument. My in-laws, who are overtly very nice, scrutinize everything I do, down to measuring how much meat I give to my step kids vs. bio kids--which is absurd! SS12 loves to eat and we get along wonderfully, and I love to feed him!
I guess it hurts because I do all this work raising these kids and I get no appreciation whatsoever.
Biologically there are some incompatabilities with SS10 as well. Myself and my 2 bio kids are quiet, nerdy types. We don't do well with the "H" in his extreme ADHD. And his soiling issue is taking its toll on us all. He changes his clothes in his room, and we find a turd on the carpet. Yes, he's had all kinds of medical examinations, and diets, and I've even bought him a timer to wear on his wrist to remind him to "go". It's not biological, it's beheavioral, and the experts have finally told us to just wait it out.
Lately, it's been so bad, that I've fantasized leaving. We're supposed to buy a house together, and I'm dragging my feet, because I know that if we do, I'll be stuck... for a LONG time as the step parent.
I feel extremely guilty because my step kids are very nice.
So I've been reading your posts, and been wondering about the following:
-what do people mean about "Disengaging"?
-is anyone who tried this still around on these boards?
-what are the steps people take?
-has this worked for anyone?
I'm thinking this is something I'd like to try. I'm not getting appreciation for what I do (like taking care of the kids paperwork, school stuff, etc), so I think I should do less. I'm getting very resentful.
I also feel I need to do *something*, because this is a wonderful marriage and blended family and it's worth fighting for... but not at the cost of my own sanity.
Any advice?
Has it helped you?
Has it helped you?
I'm disengaged and it's
I'm disengaged and it's working...mostly, but we have different situations. To me, disengagement kind of means, doing what you need to do, for your situation, that helps you with your sanity. First of all, stop beating yourself up for feeling guilty. Being a step-parent is HARD even with the most well-behaved children and we all just do our best each day. Secondly, it does sound like you can disengage more, maybe not to the degree that some of us have...it really just needs to be what works for you. For me, I do absolutely nothing for my SS15. I do not cook for him, I don't wash his sheets or his clothes, I certainly don't punish him, I don't try to create any structure for him, and I try to talk to him as little as possible. I'm not mean to him, or rude and in fact, disengaging means that when I do talk to him it's about nice or fun things and usually a pleasant conversation. His Dad makes sure that he has food, helps him do his laundry and spends lots of great quality father/son time with him on the weekends he is here while I'm out with friends or doing something, etc. However, I don't have any of my own children and we only have SS every other weekend. It's a bit easier for me to fully disengage. And sometimes I slip...it's just life. I will say that it's helped me a lot though. We used to argue about SS and I really thought many times "I'm not sure this is worth it". After starting the disengagement process, I've been so much happier, we don't argue anymore and I am not as worried about my relationship. I just let SO parent the way he wants to parent, let him make the decisions when it comes to his kid and we have an agreement that he will talk to me if something with the kid directly affects something we have together...like kid asks for money for car which might directly affect our finances, etc.
It sounds like you are running the house. What is DH doing to help out with his kids? How is it that your in-laws are so involved that they are measuring the portions sizes you give to your kids? I think maybe the word you need to embrace is boundaries...it sounds like you need some with both DH and in-laws. You cannot be the one to shoulder all of this.
Yes, you are quite right,
Yes, you are quite right, Catchy. I, like many step moms fell into the trap of wanting to help, wanting to fix things for the man that I love and I took on way too many responsibilities. Also, because there are two children of my own, cooking for two more and doing laundry for two more, etc. just kind of worked out that way.
Luckily, my DH is a hard worker and a hands on person, so he helps me a lot. But since I've been reading this forum, I realize things are a bit upside-down. He should be leading the effort with his 2 sons, and I should be helping him, not the other way around. His problem is that he's doing the post divorce pity parenting thing, where he wants our precious time witj his kids to be fun and he hates to discipline them because he wants them to like it here more than at BM's. So I'm the bad cop. It's not fun.
Like you said, it wont be possible for me to disengage all the way. My 4 yeaer old is greatly influenced by SS10, who does act like a maniac much of the time. So, I do have to be involved in controlling SS10, or we just wouold not be able to live under the same roof. As time goes by however, and with lots of routine and lists and charts, SS10 is getting better... but it sure has been exhausting to get to this point! Perhaps because I work full time, the added work brought on by SS10 is making me tired. This may quite simply be why I dread his very presence. I'm fatigued.
The in-laws are quite a different story and you've hit that nail on the head! The first two years of our marriage were focused on the high conflict situation with BM. Meanwhile, under the guise of wanting to "help", MIL and FIL kind of snuck in under the radar and before you know it were completely taking over. I mean it got to the point that my MIL would come to the house, invite our neighbors over for dinner, cook dinner in our kitchen, and serve dinner in my home, not even waiting for me to get home from work (I get home at 6, lol!).
As it turns out, the in-laws were a big part of my DH's failed first marriage. There were two years of marital counseling with his first wife, where most of the complaints were about the outrageous demands of DH's mom, and DH siding with her instead of his wife. After a few years of pointing out what I wouldn't tolerate from her and after a few years of her creating drama on holidays (what is up with people like that? In my first marriage, it was my SIL who always ruined Xmas), we've established quite a few boundaries. In fact, now she pretty much hates me because I don't invite them to eat at home any more, we do birthdays and holidays at restaurants, on "neutral" ground, where it's the waiter's fault if one kid gets an extra meatball, not mine. This may sound like a harsh way to treat my inlaws, but last year MIL decorated her xmas tree with pictures of all of our children except for my BD... and my dad had just died! I'm sorry but my BD is not going to be hurt by my new MIL... not going to happen.
Luckily for me, my DH is now very aware that his parents are messing up his relationships, so he is trying to keep them away. In this sense, the ex wife has done me a favor.
Thank you for the support. It helps me to hear concrete examples of disengagement because I have a ways to go. Plus, I actually do have a pretty good relationship with my SKIDS. THey are very adffectionate towards me, probably because I never tried to replace BM and I try to set the same rules for all kids under this roof (and give the same number of meatballs, lol!). So, I don't want to break that, but I do need to preserve myself a bit because I feel like I'm killing myself.
Here's some material on
Here's some material on disengaging. I hope this helps
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
http://www.steptogether.org/nutshell.html
http://www.steptogether.org/help.html
Thank you! I will read thes
Thank you! I will read thes all! Much appreciated!
I am sorry. I know that
I am sorry. I know that having a manic person in your house is hard. I like my home calm and SS is not that. My BS is pretty calm and a chill kid as far as toddlers go. I feel overwhelmed sometimes when SS is there due to his wildness. Welcome
Sorry to not answer your questions I feel everyone else did a great job
Thank you, the support is
Thank you, the support is very welcome. I've been so alone in this... I'm sure you can relate.
I have been disengaged for
I have been disengaged for well over one year. For me this means handing the responsibilities of parenting back to the parent . I do not get involved unless I choose to ( I almost never do ) . I do not cook for skids do not make lunches or do laundry , I am not involved with their homework or do I care about their personal hygiene or the length of time they use electronics . I do not discipline or reward . I make DH enforce a strict bed time rule and I drive them to school , if DH has an early meeting and , most important , it does not interfere with my schedule .
disengaging means living a peaceful life without letting skids / BM drama or whatever garbage floats along with them reach your shore . I do not look at DH ' text, phone or email . I simply do not care . It's a separate life he has to lead and during skids time ( EOWE ) I do things I like to do for myself .
Hi happily, please see my
Hi happily, please see my reply below
Yeah happily, I need to be a
Yeah happily, I need to be a little more like you. I need to let go of their hygiene issues. I need to let go of their electronic usage. I need to stop driving them around. I tneed to schedule some shopping days with BD13 and focus on her before she groes up. It's an attitude adjustment, but it needs to happen. Thank you for the examples.
I'm up for any ideas on how to make this work.
Thank you for your post and
Thank you for your post and examples. I'm so sorry that your SKID is a racist. Wow... I hope your DH has set him straignt about that one at least.
I do have other children in the mix, but perhaps we could also take some time on the weekends that the SKIDS are around to go out ttogether and do our own thing. It doesn't have to be all the time, but it would be a nice break.
I'm glad you found a way to make it work!
I'm spending way too much
I'm spending way too much time on this forum, lol! But I have to say this has been very healing for me.
I have taken my first small steps towards disengaging a bit from my step kids and focusing more time/energy on my bio kids. I am starting to believe that working full time, being stressed and not sleeping, plus trying to take care of 4 kids (one who, although very nice, is just plain nuts), was really just exhausting me and that may be the main issue.
So I extracted myself from an obligatory visit to my MIL's cabin in the snow. I'm sending DH and the two steps. I'm keeping my bio kids with me, and we'll have our own day at the snow when it's less stormy and I feel like going.
I saw the laundry basket fill up with SKIDS clothes, but did not put them in the wash (I did do their sheets and towels). They will have to deal with what to pack this afternoon.
I did give my DH a packet that one SKID needed filled out and returned for school, because I noticed he would miss the deadline. I told him I'd be taking a break from this, so he needed to pay more attention. He said OK.
I will take my kids to dinner while these guys are packing and leaving.
Baby steps.