New at this. Wondering if it's worth it :(
I'm a new relatively new step mom. I have a biological daughter who is 6 a stepdaughter who is 8 and am 33 weeks pregnant. I don't want to bond with his child. I have a psych degree and nothing works, I just can't feel anything for this child. She's bossy and mean to my daughter as well as disrespectful to adults. I also have had issues with her hitting and biting my daughter. Her father never had control over her and it's infuriating. I had to ask him numerous times to get her help. He finally did and that's where my lies. There has been some improvements but still I can't stand her nevermind bond. I know some of it is hormones. But I also had to yell at his stepdaughter to get her to stop hitting as he was not following through on discipline with her. Ever since them this feeling of not liking her has gotten worse. I never had to yell at a child before and I feel like his lack of discipline with her brought me to my limit. If I feel this way now will it only get worse? Does anyone else feel this way. I dread the weeks she's here I don't know how to stop feeling this way. He wants me to bond with her and when I do he's so happy but it's so hard. Any advice would be helpful. I don't hat her and I know it's what I signed up for etc. So please keep the negative comments to yourself Thanks!
Agree with LadyFace. Your
Agree with LadyFace. Your husband needs to take his focus off of you bonding with this girls and focus on disciplining her behavior and raising a daughter that is somewhat likable, or at least tolerable.
It is not uncommon for step parents to NOT bond with their spouses kids and it's not required. It certainly cannot be forced.
He needs to see that it is her behavior that is the issue, and do something about it.
It is hard, I'm sorry you are
It is hard, I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish I could offer help, but I'm in a similar situation and I would feel like a hypocrite. The more I've been around SD7, the more she seems to like me and behave somewhat better for me - but she's still her mother's daughter and her mother is a terribly manipulative and selfish person. I don't know how to bond with that because it is contrary to who I am. Fortunately, my BD is 11 and can defend herself, but SD7 has attacked her, even trying to drown her once. I struggle daily with it - it's hard not to despise the child, let alone bond. My heart breaks for you and I truly hope the very best comes of your situation. ((HUGS))
Yup, total waste of time
Yup, total waste of time trying to bond with skids taught to be rude and nasty towards others, and your DH is teaching her it's ok to behave that way every single time he does nothing about it. You're better off putting your energy and good intentions somewhere, anywhere else. Once you do that you'll find you feel more indifferent about your SD, instead of feeling anger.
I am in no way attached to my
I am in no way attached to my soon to be SD. Not even one bit. And i am pregnant too. And I only think it will get worse after my child is born because I will love my kid, but not SD. I have no advice for you as I have no idea how to deal with my own feelings either. In my case there is no aggression on SD's side, but never the less it feels like there is constantly a stranger in the house and I absolutely hate this feeling
I know I'm not going to want
I know I'm not going to want her around my newborn. I honestly don't want her around either of my children anymore. She's got anger issues and is spoile. I'm tired of it and I am starting to resent my husband. He doesn't understand.
I hope for your sake that
I hope for your sake that your husband can give up on the bonding issue. It puts too much pressure on you and his daughter. You cannot make someone bond. I always take the high road with my step kids. I don't discipline them or tend to them. I try to speak with them, often to deaf ears and I buy them presents for the same holidays I gift my own children. It always use to pain my husband that in spite of my gentleness there was still this standoffish behavior. He has finally come to accept that he cannot make his kids feel the way that he wants them to feel. He knows I always try, and he has finally made peace with letting things be. I hope you can find that space soon. I takes a difference. Your life will be easier though if you turn over as much of his daughter responsibilities to him. Once you are not discipling her and taking care of her you will feel better. Good luck!
I know. I am at the point I
I know. I am at the point I no longer want to tend to her. I try to be nice but she's so ungrateful and mean I can't take it. Today she came up with in five minutes pushed my daughter, I sent her back to her grandparents. I have asked my husband to not have to take care of her anymore until her behavior changes it's impossible. I told him that if this is how my afternoon and morning are going to go she can stay there. He let a seven year old change the custody without checking if it was ok so I don't even know what to do anymore.
I hear ya ladies but as a man
I hear ya ladies but as a man who grew up without a father and all the trouble I got into with my abandonment issues, I refuse to keep my mouth shut with my SD9 and her discipline. SD's father is a POS and is currently in prison so I have taken the roll of step father serious because I can already see her turning into several girls I knew growing up with daddy issues and even my own faults as well. I've tried to keep a distance, I've tried to just let her mom lead but it doesn't work. I am so dedicated to running my house as normal as I can and creating a stable home with discipline for all my children. Which includes 2 under 2 DD's. I've told my wife that our children will not grow up in a house where your daughter is running a muck. I'm trying to save this kid from herself but I fear that when she's 16 that she'll turn on both of us and start the shit I did. I'll send her away before I let her pollute my daughters. So being a bystander isn't happening but all the work I'm putting in has equated to nothing because the kid flat out doesn't care. I'm at a loss but refuse to give up for my two daughters.
I hear what you are saying. I
I hear what you are saying. I see my daughter being influenced by her behavior. I tell him all the time I won't let her bring mine down. I'm at the point where I keep trying to keep her busy to minimize the time spent together. I grew up in a bad home also so I'm trying to give my kids the best life possible. My daughter is attached to her stepdad and since hers is pretty much absent I don't want to cause her more harm by up and leaving.
Even if you stay it will
Even if you stay it will cause her harm. Think about it. She is a little girl just wanting to be accepted and love and eventually she is not going to feel that anymore if she hasn't already with SD behavior and your spouse not correcting, or even disciplining her. If your daughter was to be the one showing this behavior towards his daughter, he would be upset. I assume you would handle it and put consequences in place for her and not let it slide. What if it gets worse ?Right now SD is 8, what about when she is 12? 15? Dad needs to step up and be a dad.
I would also be concerned
I would also be concerned with her being around your new born, and so should your DH. SD is 8 years old and hitting and biting a 6 year old, sounds like bullying to me. How is she with other children, with other people? At school?After school activities? BM have issues with her at home? It sounds like it could be jealousy, but either way your DH needs to take responsibility, and enforce consequences when his daughter is mis treating other people. If another persons child was doing this to DH Daughter he would be furious and expect action. Sounds like you two need to sit down and have a serious talk, possibly some parenting course together.