Need some Christmas advice.
So, it's our second Christmas together. First, let me preface last year. Last year I spent months (and using half my money) in the excitement of our first holiday to make sure his 3 children got things they enjoyed and wanted. Then I realized what was going on. WOW. I got NOTHING.. not that I expected anything, but not even a thank you or acknowledgement of my presence... Then I started to see more.. No gifts for their father except a "family" (I am not in it, of course) montage from Walmart sent 2 months after Christmas from 1 child, nothing from the other 2. We sent them birthday gifts, and my husband got nothing. Nothing on fathers day either. I am not claiming to understand the relationship, because, believe me, I sure don't. But it is not mine to be involved in. His two grown sons live with their mother (both in their 20s) and daughter lives about 5 hours away, so its not a daily issue for sure. His daughter maybe texts 4 times a year, but that's a 2 way street I guess.
Anyways, my issue is this. We have planned to go and see his parents (who live about 3 hours away) to exchange gifts on the 21st. He gets a text from his daughter asking if we are going to see them and stating she is coming with her husband and 2 kids. (she does NOT communicate with the grandparents at all) My husband just said he'd tell them that they are coming. He and his mother are peacemakers and don't like confrontation (boy, did he meet his match with me, poor fella.. lol) Are you kidding me? Does anyone have manners or respect anymore? She didn't ask them, ask if it was ok, just stated she was coming. WOW. The ONLY reason they are going is to get their gifts. I know they wont bring any for anyone (not the point) but its just so awkward. If they gave a crap about my husband or his parents, they could see them anytime. Anyways, I DO NOT want to go now. I just know I cant keep quiet if my husband, me or his parents are being disrespected. I am not sleeping well as I am so stressed and upset about it. No one says anything about it and I am just disgusted with the whole thing. I like to vent and talk things out and get some resolution or compromise, so thank goodness for this site. lol
So, thoughts anyone?
You don't have to keep quiet
You don't have to keep quiet if you are disrespected. If you know that they are not going to participate in the gift exchange, don't buy gifts for them (just the kids, if they are young).
My SD is 24, she has never given us so much as a Christmas card (or any kind of card for any holiday). We have decided that this is the last year we will buy anything for her for Christmas, it's the only time of the year that we see her. DH stopped buying her birthday gifts several years ago.
You are trying to hard. Keep
You are trying to hard. Keep your money in your pocket where it belongs. These kids had issues with their father before you ever arrived on the scene. You will not solve those issues by running yourself rugged or spending all your money. It is between him and his kids.
If you feel you must have
If you feel you must have some gift for them - make a donation to YOUR favorite charity in their name.
DH joked about doing that
DH joked about doing that regarding my SD this year. I can just see the look on her face now! Whaaaat?
Thanks for the advice. I did
Thanks for the advice. I did tell him that I only wanted to get gifts for his grandkids and not the kids, but he went on guilt, I guess. I refused to contribute money to the stepkids this year.
Donation is a great idea. Then it goes to a good cause, not a lost cause. lol
Thanks for the advice. I did
Thanks for the advice. I did tell him that I only wanted to get gifts for his grandkids and not the kids, but he went on guilt, I guess. I refused to contribute money to the stepkids this year.
Donation is a great idea. Then it goes to a good cause, not a lost cause. lol
I would do what you want. I
I would do what you want. I am fairly sure that his adult kids really aren't expecting anything from you. You really are fairly new to the dynamic. If I were you I would get presents only for the grand skids.
This may be the dynamic they have with their father. Who knows, they may treat him the way they do for a number of reasons. He may not have been an involved father. It doesn't sound like they are super close to the grandparents and there may be a reason for that as well. I would just let him get them what he wants to get them. As long as it is not your money then why would you care. He will only resent you if you try to dictate the relationship he does have with his kids.
I agree with some of what you
I agree with some of what you have said and that's what I did with his grand skids. I have told him that he can have whatever relationship he wants with his kids, but they are all in their 20s and I don't have to have a relationship with them. As long as they are respectful to me in person, it will be returned in kind.
The relationship is as it is because of the ex. My husbands parents rarely visited them and it hurt my husband and he did discuss it with me and I found out why. His mother confessed to me that when he wasn't around that she was horrid to them and made them so uncomfortable that they did not want to visit. The relationship is also as it is since he worked 2 jobs because wifey spent like crazy, especially on the kids and he had to keep on top of it (that is also info from his parents.. he really doesn't say negative things about her which I respect). He was very involved in their schooling and sports, etc. but sadly, look where it got him. But, being military, he also was away on postings a lot, so there is some absenteeism there that could not be helped, so that may play a part.
You've gotten solid advice
You've gotten solid advice from everyone. If your DH wants to buy them all gifts, he can have at it ... as long as he doesn't ask you to financially support it and as long as it doesn't take a dent out of your overall household budget.
I might suggest to him that to make shopping easier he should just get SD a family gift - like a basket with different gourmet food items, etc. that the Steps and Grands can enjoy. Or a gift card for a night at the movies for the sons. That's it. DH may appreciate the suggestion (since he probably wouldn't know what to get them) but it has the added benefit of making the gifts impersonal - which is a lot like the relationship the skids have with him!
While I understand that getting gifts for the gskids might be a natural gesture, just be aware that it can lead to potential disappointment. You may be opening yourself up to some snarky comment about the gifts or other backdoor passive aggressive crap.
Otherwise, as long as the skids are polite and civil, that's about the best you can hope for. If they do become disrespectful, and your DH doesn't intervene, then you have every right to ask for the car keys, say you don't feel well, and head out. Let his devoted daughter or one of his sons drive him the three hours home!
I would not let a step deter
I would not let a step deter me from visiting my husband's parents. You are going to visit them. Whoever else shows up is immaterial.
My steps do speak to me politely. They know that impoliteness to me is where their father draws the line.
Now DH's sister is another matter. She is still mad about a fight she had with the dead ex wife over 30 years ago. I get my entertainment by talking to her and watching her squirm away. She hasn't talked to me my entire marriage or to my husband since whatever happened with the ex wife. The sister really knows how to hold a grudge. At family functions I always great her politely and she always turns away without responding. At this point it's like a game to me. I'd probably faint if she actually spoke to me.
Gifts -- give that job to DH. If he wants to give his daughter a gift, it's his responsibility.
Grandkids, I suggest gifts for him to buy, and may even pick one up if I see something in the price range and appropriate, but DH pays. I've been told that they don't consider me related so my stance is that it's inappropriate for me, a non relative, to buy gifts. Only DH's name goes on the gift.
My steps don't bring gifts for their dad. Christmas, his birthday, Father's Day = no gift. Sometime after the actual holiday they'll show up to collect their gifts.
I wouldn't let a step interfere with my relationship with my husband's parents
I have never seen SS30 give
I have never seen SS30 give DH anything - even a card - for Father's Day since I have known him. I did not know him as a child so don't know if BM encouraged it or not. Don't really care.
But as SS's GF is about to pop out a baby in January who wants to bet that SS will want to celebrate Father's Day for HIM big time? There will be a zillion FB posts about how important fathers are. And that Father's Day is the time to really show that appreciation. But he will ONLY be thinking about himself - not his father.
You can't change the dynamic
You can't change the dynamic or the rudeness shown by SD to her father and grandparents. Just go along, enjoy yourself and don't knock yourself out buying gifts for anyone you don't care for. Disengage from the idiocy. I had to to keep my sanity. I buy things for SD if I wish, but believe me, I don't knock myself out since she's never done a thing for me in the six years I've known her.
Why are you buying for the
Why are you buying for the Step-grand kids? Its not like you are close to them by the sound of things. Leave it all up to your DH. They are not your grandkids!
This will only lead to resentment later when they expect it and still don't show much appreciation.
We have been married 36 years
We have been married 36 years and I have grown step-grandkids and teen step-great-grandkids.
DH buys a family gift, fruit basket, ham, goodie basket, whatever for stepkids and stepgrandkids. Several years ago savings accounts were opened for the step-great-grandkids. DH deposits for their birthday and Christmas only. It is all DH's doing; I no longer do the birthdays, anniversaries, or any holidays.
For 30+ years I tried to help and they always said "Thank You" to DH only and I was the one that did the shopping, wrapping, depositing (DH's $$$), and even seen that everything was mailed and delivered for DH.
No more, the past six years he has been doing it. It is so nice.
Just saying.....
This year DH is going up the street to SD's for dinner; I am traveling to a neighboring State for a couple of days to be with my 99 yr. young Father and some family members. I will be traveling back home Christmas Day to have Christmas with DH that evening.
I would do whatever you want to do, concerning going to their house; leave the gifts and drama to your DH.
Sammigirl - I read your forum
Sammigirl - I read your forum topic about the SD and her thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. She sounds precious. (note the sarcasm) lol. Go and have a wonderful time with your father.
I just had a chat with dh to tell him how stressed this is all making me and told him that I am coming with him, will be polite unless disrespected, but all gifts and ideas for steps and grandkids are his and his alone and that I am done in that regard. He did say that I was right about everything and that they are entitled and spoiled, but he is used to it. He was upset at how upset this is making me, but venting her has helped a lot and shown me a lot of perspectives and coping strategies. Life if too short for all the drama they don't even care that they bring. I will go, have a good time and interact only when necessary for a modicum of politeness. I have neither the time or inclination to deal with narcissistic personality disorders on what is supposed to be a nice family holiday. God help the next generations... yikes...
Laura, You have a good plan
Laura, You have a good plan but it is a shame you have to go and "-- interact only when necessary for a modicum of politeness." Many of us SM care so much about our DH's that we sacrifice a good Christmas for ourselves. How about a compromise: You go to the party but he must present your marriage as top priority for him, and not allow any disrespectful behavior. Let him know that otherwise this will be the last.
As far as gifts, be careful about what you wish. I rarely got anything from SD but when I DID get something it was so bad that it would have been better to get nothing. Let DH take care of the gifts. Take the money you would have been spending on the skids and gskids and purchase 'their gift to you'!
The only reason that I buy
The only reason that I buy presents is to keep DH from spending too much.
The bastard GC is due in Jan. - I bought some adorable stuff at the outlet malls and spent $10. DH on his own might have spent $200.
That works notasm3. I was
That works notasm3. I was spending DH's $$$ on nice gifts and nobody could tell you 30 days later what we gave.
Therefore, when I disengaged and turned it over to DH; he realized how much it was costing. He is scrooge and has cut way back. I have informed the grown skids and grown sgrandkids that DH does all the shopping now; so they realize how generous I was. Also I don't fix anything for dinners. I used to fix several different dishes to take. SD doesn't cook much and so we were down the bare Turkey for Thanksgiving.
When they don't appreciate, it's sad.
Thanks everyone for the very
Thanks everyone for the very insightful, funny and sometimes sad advice. All very sound and I will incorporate much of it in my decisions moving forward.