Advice needed - new partner wishes i had never had kids
Hello
I hope someone here can help with some advice for me. I (39yo BF) have a son aged 14, my girlfriend who i have been dating for 1.5yrs has really been struggling to come to terms with this fact - its got to the stage now where she basically wishes my past didnt exist, and wants me to wish the same. I now have 50% custody of my son, this arrangement has changed over the course of our relationship to enable us to spend more time together, (i used to have my BS every weekend, now its every other weekend with a couple of nights during the week).
Our problem is that she HATES my past and wishes she could erase it. She despises the fact that i have had a child, despite actually being good with my son when he is over. She effectively wants me to also wish that my past didnt exist. To me this is the same as wishing my son never existed, something i just cannot do - despite the fact that my previous relationship was not a happy one and that my son was not planned. I cant un-want him, i dont know i can get my partner to accept this. Our pasts make us who we are, and i love my son and wont wish that away. I know how difficult this is for her too, i just dont think its healthy to focus on the past rather than dealing with the situation that exists.
Am i being unreasonable here? Will she ever accept my past and start to deal with the consequences rather than just wishing she could rewrite history? I love my partner but this is becoming a massive problem / show stopper.
Thanks in advance for any replies.
I have too many questions to
I have too many questions to even give advice. Is it the ex that is problematic? Are your communications with your ex too many? Is your son well behaved? What exactly is the arrangement? Do you live together? Are you being asked to stop seeing your child?
A little bit more background and specific examples may well help.
Yeah i changed the visitation
Yeah i changed the visitation arrangements to accomodate her and give our relationship the best chance. I actually ended up seeing MORE of my son with the new arrangement, it now stands at 50/50 with the BM
yes she has said she wishes i had never had my son, but to put it in the correct context...
- She hates the fact that i have had a child with HER (the BM)
- She hates it that i dont also regret this, or wish i could change the past if i could so that She (my partner) was the mother
- She hates it that i dont show the same enthusiasm to have kids with her. This is true, i guess im not enthusiastic about having more kids - but she has also said many times she doesnt want any. Its more about me showing the theoretical desire to do these things with her
But to voice those feelings
But to voice those feelings and try to get dad to do the same, is not normal. To be honest, it's a pretty sick and twisted thing to.
Agree that we need to know
Agree that we need to know more to give specific advice. Her age, what's up with the BM (how much do you communicate?) Also, what is your parenting style like? How does your son treat her?
I'll let you in on how she's feeling, though, because it's pretty common. She's feeling insignificant in your life. You shared all these momentous life events with another woman that you'll (possibly?) never share with her. You have a family. You'll probably have grandchildren. She's... just your girlfriend.
These insecurities can make you want to wish away the significance of someone's past, even if, logically, she likes your son and treats him well. These are emotional things that she's feeling. It's okay that she feels them, but she seems to be voicing them frequently, and she's got to begin moving through her pain rather than sitting in it and complaining.
Is she much younger than you? I ask, because dating a man with a child might be foreign to her.
What I would do in your shoes next time she says something is to say, "Listen, I understand it's hard for you. I understand why it's hard for you. But when you dwell on this, it makes me feel like you want me to renounce my son. He's a huge part of my life, I love him, and I'm so lucky to have him. I'm lucky to have him, and I'm lucky to have you. While I know this isn't easy for you, I'd like you to do what you need to do to move forward. The past is the past and we can't change it. I'm going to need you to handle these feelings and stop dwelling on them so that we can start making some special moments of our own."
Right? It's not like the
Right? It's not like the kid suddenly appeared out of nowhere.
sheesh, this GF is the kind of woman that who gives women a bad name
Because you can know
Because you can know something logically and still experience an expected/unexpected emotional impact, especially when feelings deepen...
Wow, so glad i found this
Wow, so glad i found this place, and thanks for the responses so far.
some background...
i'm 39, she is 33 and is definitely not a kids person, has said many times how she doesn't want to have them. We have been seeing each other for > 1.5yrs, intially went from 2-3 nights a week to now looking to move in together. This issue is the big one for both of us, and the only major hurdle we really have i think. I spent 5 years before meeting her when it was just me and my son, and its been a very big deal to dis-attach myself somewhat from my son so that i can bring someone else into my life. i recognise i needed to make changes (such as changing the weekends arrangement) etc, but also many smaller things such as how i interact with my son. Of course like many separated parents ive maybe indulged and overcompensated for not being there, and putting things on a more appropriate keel has taken time. My son is a good kid, and has adapted to not having me to himself pretty well. He is on the less mature end of the spectrum for 14 year olds, maybe has been "mothered" a bit too much by me - something that ive made efforts to straighten out and mature a bit. Im definately not being asked to stop seeing my son, my partner clearly feels second best though when he is around - i dont know what to do here.
But fundamentally my partner hates and resents the fact that i had this child with the BM and not her, and i think theres a tremendous amount of jealousy there. I hardly ever speak to or communicate with my ex, but its the plain fact that i have a child with HER that she is struggling to cope with. She admits that a lot of her responses are unreasonable, and irrational. I want to be able to reassure her that we can move forward ourselves together, but to constantly feel like i am being scorned or blamed for my past is pretty depressing.
I dont particularly like the BM, we had an unhappy relationship - but i don't hate her, which is what my partner would like me to do. How do i deal with this jealousy?
I dont want to lose my partner, we make each other happy. but this is getting both of us down
Then consider couples and
Then consider couples and individual counseling. If this is the woman you truly want and love, get some outside help.
We have done this previously
We have done this previously on other issues, and it has helped tremendously. She is very reluctant to go back to discuss this specific issue, mostly because i think she is scared to tackle her underlying jealousy related issue.
i have requested that we go back to counselling on this, i think its the only way
Thanks for that comment also,
Thanks for that comment also, a lot to think about here.
I think your GF is hurt
I think your GF is hurt because you don't want a baby with her (Regardless of how many times she's said she doesn't want kids. That changes when we meet Mr. Right.) She's hurt because by asserting you don't regret your ex, you are asserting that you would have a baby with HER all over again, but this is something you will not give your GF. You are essentially telling your GF that your ex is somehow better suited to be a mother; somehow better than she; somehow more meaningful to you than she.
I've never seen the feelings I've had described more accurately.
Didn't want kids, had major hormonal and biological urges to have kids when I met my SO (even though rationally I still didn't want them) and it was hell. Eventually I came to terms with it.
However, my SO's SIL will be having a new baby in March, and I expect that I'm going to go through it again, since seeing pregnant women and new babies brings out a version of crazy in me that is not flattering. My body wants me to reproduce, and floods me with hormones, and I get mega-PMS all of the time. Not fun.
My guy was watching a commercial this morning and said something about the "preggy" woman. I said "Oh, is that what you call them? How ADORABLE.", picturing in my mind how he and BM must have used that term. He, wisely, shut his mouth after that.
My guy won't have more kids because his are almost grown and he doesn't want to start over. He wants a fun and carefree life with me.
Plus, being a father stresses him out. He loves his kids but he questions whether he should have ever done it. He tells me he wishes I was the kids' mom (never any other kids, just his specific ones), and he wishes he'd met me when he was ready to be a father, etc. It still hurts, somehow. I just want him to say "Hey, want to have a baby?" so we can make a decision together, even though the decision would be "no." Because then I'd feel like he was at least WILLING and that I was a full partner to him.
It's hard not to fall into the insecurity of "he was willing to make her a mother and I get these scraps." It's hard not to think that "Boy, BM made childrearing such a nightmare that he never wants to do it again" and feel pissed off about it.
Also, in my experience, if the guy is still overly emotionally tied to the BM in "coparenting", it can make you resent the kids' existence more.
(And I have a great relationship with teenage skids, because I was able to see them as individuals, and know that they're not at fault for how I feel. It sounds like how the gf of the poster here operates, too, and he should be THANKFUL for how much effort she makes, because it is not easy at all to feel such pain and be so gracious.)
I can understand what you are
I can understand what you are describing as her feelings. It is hard to be in a relationship where you are never going to share some of the important "firsts". However, hate is so unhealthy. Being a second wife with no intention of having children with my DH can create feelings of being less of a priority, of being insignificant in his life and of coming last in the hierarchy of my household. Here are some guidelines that may help:
-Create some sacred time for the two of you only. Whether it be a weekly/monthly date night, or something akin to that.
-If you do move in together create and uphold some sacred space for HER only, I cannot tell you how depressing it is to live with my DH and his two daughters and not have any space for myself. My DH does not understand why I wouldn't want his teen daughters climbing into my bed when I'm trying to wind down. UGH! Discuss with her about what kind of alone time and/or alone space she needs that you will deem SACRED.
-It is appropriate and normal for you to have to adjust to being a father and not a Disneyland dad, this takes effort and she will have to understand that you are trying to set your relationship with your son on the right path. Ask her to help you by gently and kindly pointing out when you are letting your son have too much say in how time and energy are spent.
-Jealousy is toxic, it will eat her away. Help her understand that while you hear her feelings you cannot allow anger, hatred, jealousy to poison your new and wonderful life with her. BM is not going away, she is going to have to accept this. Also, your son is not going away. I hate saying this but when my husband shows loving attention to his daughters my stomach turns with jealousy. I have never shared this with him, but he does this back tickle thing near bedtime when they come to our room to tell us goodnight. I am SUPPOSED to feel grateful that they can come to both of us and hug us goodnight and want to share their feelings with us. Instead I feel disgustingly imposed upon. I wish he would leave our room and do their goodnight thing outside of our room. I have tried discussing this with him and he does not understand. It is right and normal for you to love your children more than we do, loving them is not rubbing it in our faces that we come second, BUT it can feel that way, just try to be understanding about it.
-Please tell her about sites like this where she can vent her feelings without putting you in a bad spot. It is not okay for her to try to make you feel bad for loving your son and not regretting his birth.
-Just keep demonstrating to her how important she is to you. Hopefully, she will see that loving your son and loving her can happen at the same time.
-Please, please, please get a counselor together. I cannot stress this enough. My DH and I see a counselor that specializes in blended families and it is huge that he can tell us both and individually where we are both wrong and where we are both right. It has helped us immensely and it will show her that you are willing to put effort into making your relationship happy and healthy. Also, keep coming here and sharing your thoughts.
I hope this helps, thank you for posting!
THIS THIS THIS I'm sorry, but
THIS THIS THIS
I'm sorry, but this woman sounds crazy. She doesn't want children, yet she's angry because you had a child with BM instead of her???? :? :? :?
^^All of the above. End the
^^All of the above.
End the relationship.
Is she much younger then you
Is she much younger then you are? I am only asking because once you get to a certain age, it is inevitable that everyone has a past with someone else. I don't know any nearly 40 guys who don't have an exwife, several ex girlfriends, and perhaps a few kids.
A person who is relatively inexperienced in life because of age, and doesn't have much of a past herself doesn't have the life experience to really come to terms with that yet. So in that respect she may be grieving the loss of someone else not being able to share new experiences with her, such as a new marriage, first kids etc.
As a woman she wants to hear that she is special. What you are telling her is that you are happy that you had a son with your ex. She may be interpreting that as you place a special importance on the relationship you had with your ex, thus making her not special or unique in any way. I can tell you that no woman wants to feel second best to a partner.
If you keep emphasisizing how great and dear your past relationships were, she will grow tired of it. Because from your post it doesn't sound like she has any issues with that fact that your son exists, she gets along with him and so your thinking that she has an issue with him simply is t true. The issue that she is having it sounds like is you and what you are telling her and how you alone are making her feel insecure in the relationship.
Thank you for that comment,
Thank you for that comment, it makes a lot of sense.
She doesn't have an issue with him as a person, more the fact that i have had this experience with someone else. Worse than that for her is the fact that i dont / wont regret it - but to me regretting it is the same as regretting i have my son.
my relationship with the BM was not precious or dear, it was miserable. But a precious and dear thing came out of it.
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming from. I have experienced it from both sides of the fence.
I have kids with my ex. We grew to be different people, and I don't hate the guy. If I am being anonymously honest, while I think as a partner he is a narcistic jerk, he is also one of the best fathers I have ever known. The kids I have with him are really lucky to have him as a father. Now with that said, if I ever told that to my husband he would hear that differently. He would hear that as I still have feelings for my ex. So I don't say anything at all about that. I would never want my husband to feel thay he is any less then the best partner that I have ever had, and I do let him know that he is a great husband.
Now when I first married my husband he would tell me things like you are telling your girlfriend. He reasoned it out that if I hated his exwife then I hated his kids. I let him know how very stupid that was. They are separate people, and if he couldn't differentiate it within himself, that it meant that if he loved his kids then he loved his exwife. It was then that he got it.
He, like me, didn't love his exwife or even like her, but he didn't hate her. But he did love his kids. They were two separate entities. His relationship was with the kids, not the ex or his past with her.
We have since annexed all exes from our lives, because they have no place in our relationship. Although we both felt the same way about our exes and kids, we handled it differently. Some things are best left unsaid, as they can hurt your relationship.
It seems to me that she wants you feel unique and wants you to tell her that she is the best person for you. You simply don't want to. If you honestly can't tell her that she is the best woman for you and a great partner for you, then maybe she isn't. It is that you should be looking into.
"to me regretting it is the
"to me regretting it is the same as regretting i have my son."
That's a connection that only exists in your head that you're projecting onto the wider world.
You can both regret a relationship that produced and child and love that child at the very same time. Many people do it. My SO does it. I think he'd say the same as you, that the relationship with the BM was a nightmare, but he's happy his kids came out of it.
Something that adds fuel to the fire is that for a long time my SO was hesitant to say anything bad about BM or his marriage to her because it made him feel guilty. He had a loyalty to her that hadn't yet gone away and that was very hurtful.
Therefore, you won't be honest about your past relationship because it makes you feel guilty due to the connection that you're making about regretting your son, and it's making her feel like you prioritize loyalty to your son's mother more than to her. Likely, she knows how you feel about your past relationship, but wants to see you own it and not feel too guilty to verbalize it.
A heck of a lot of really
A heck of a lot of really interesting and thought provoking comments in all of these replies, particularly the ones sharing experiences from "her" perspective, something i hadnt fully understood or appreciated until i read all these replies. i'm not ready to walk away from this relationship just yet as we have only really started to deal with this problem. This issue has always been the elephant in the room and i'd like to give us a chance to work it out before walking away. That said, i will if i have to for all our sakes.
A lot of what we both say is in anger - my original post yesterday followed a HUGE row the night before after which i thought "thats it, finished". However, these things always moderate in the cold light of day and yesterday turned out to be a good day.
So following a day reading this forum and really thinking about all this, together with spending a long time discussing this with my GF last night things look somewhat better today. Several connections i hadnt made or things i hadnt understood;
- She wishes i had had kids with HER, rather than with the BM. This isnt the same as wishing my son didnt exist - that was my interpretation of what she was saying.
- She'd like me to share her view that it would have been easier for both of us if that had been the case (again, quite possibly true).
- Its OK for me to regret my relationship with the BM (which i do), without regretting having my son (which i most definately don't). They are not the same
- Despite not wanting kids herself (right now), she would like to think that i would want kids with her if thats what we both wanted at some point in the future. I guess i have not been helpful here with some of the things i have said and the way i have said them.
- She's pretty open about the fact that she would have preferred it if i had been young, free and single when she met me, but has always considered our relationship worth the hard work and sacrifice.
- She does "really like" my son. i don't know if she will ever grow to love him, and its unrealistic of me to expect that. It would be great if she did eventually, but mutual respect and acceptance are more important for now.
Thanks again to you all.
Sounds great, Cuttlefish.
Sounds great, Cuttlefish.
As a childless stepparent, I would advise you to not listen to the loud voices telling you that she's selfish and evil. The thought of a childless woman being trusted to have a child's best interest at heart when she doesn't have any of her own strikes a deep fear in people that has been around from the dawn of time. Express anything but an impossible selfless and unconditional love for kids that aren't yours, and the witch hunt begins.
And I will also say to all those loud voices in the room that even though someone can know a man has kids, and make a choice to be with him, it doesn't end there. Feelings come up as your love for the man and attachment to him deepens. Of course it's not a huge emotional thing when you make the decision to date him anyway, and of course it's not a surprise that as you get in deeper, things you never expected to bother you begin to bother you. And isn't it best to talk about those things rather than hold them in? Why is she a terrible person for voicing something that is a very normal feeling? She wishes the man she loves didn't come with an ex-wife and a kid. She is grieving what could have been the life they shared together.
I just want to reassure you that there is nothing wrong with her. No woman has sat and dreamed about the day where she'll become a stepparent and have no children of her own. No, we dream that the man we love will be free and clear, our life will be about us, and we can decide our future together. She doesn't have that with you and is working through the very complex feelings that come up as a result.
It would be different if she had children of her own, and an ex that drove her crazy, etc. Her life would already be about managing that stuff. I'm sure that you, as a parent, understand that day to day life is much different when it's two adults as opposed to two adults and a child. But her life outside of this relationship is not about that, but it will have to be if she chooses to be with you. And she's choosing that, and wants some recognition for the life she is giving up by choosing to be with you. It sounds like you don't understand the gravity and selflessness of her choice. She's experiencing pain working through all these feelings that come up as a result of her choice, and she still loves you and cares about your son. That's big. When you look at how she's feeling as opposed to all that she's giving, that's a sign of a person who can be a wonderful partner.
It helps a bit to hear things like "I wish you were the mother of my kids" or "I wish I'd met you way back when." It was some time into the relationship before my SO would say those things to me, and they helped me process all those complex things I was feeling. They made me feel like he recognized all that I was sacrificing, saw that I was gracious and giving to his kids even though their presence sometimes made me feel emotional pain, and he saw that I'd have been a much better mother than the BM. It was recognition that I craved, and he gave it to me.
"Despite not wanting kids herself (right now), she would like to think that i would want kids with her if thats what we both wanted at some point in the future."
This is big. You are rarely going to find a childless stepparent who is able to say "No, it's fiiiiiine he made his ex a mother but won't do it with me." That stuff is insidious and it hurts like no other.
While I was never adamant about not wanting kids, I recognized I don't have it in me to devote every second of my life to a small child and restrict what I want to do for a small child. I can appreciate that kid are adorable, but I don't know what to do with them and then I want to give them back. But still, I experience longing for knowing what that feeling is like. I want to make a child with the man that I love. I wonder what our baby would look like. I want him to call me "Mama" and rub my belly. I want all of that, but I don't necessarily want a child. But now that I'm in a relationship with a man who shows me every day what a wonderful father he is, I ache sometimes to have a child together. I know it's not a good idea and it's my biological drives speaking for me, and I know he doesn't want any more kids now that his are almost grown. If he did, he'd have them with me. But I can't have a child for my very selfish reasons, because that's not fair to any child.
What I wish I could hear would be to share the "You're a valid partner to me and let's design our future together. Our choices are totally open." conversation that he and BM once had. He chose to marry her and start a family with her. He gave those things to her. It hurts like the dickens that he won't do the same with me. I know why, but it doesn't stop it from hurting. So, as I said in another post, I think it would give me a great deal of peace to hear "Hey, do you want to have a baby?" just one time. So that I could know that I had a part in making the decision and that he was willing to talk about starting a family with me. And then we'd talk about why it wasn't a good idea. But I crave the sense of validity and choice that would come from that.
Also, just work on accepting the truth that no one likes to talk about - a stepparent can never possibly feel the same way for a child that the bioparent feels for that child. There are so many biological processes at work that drive parents to want to care for and protect their offspring. You feel rewards when your son is around. You have patience for him because of those rewards. She's not experiencing the same things you are, and she never will. So anything she does for him, any love she gives him, is a choice she is making. And it's a frightening thing, because we know the kid will never give us the unconditional love they have for a bioparent, so it's a big deal to become emotionally vulnerable to a stepchild. Also, if we split with our partners, those kids we grew to love can leave our lives in an instant.
So instead of focusing on what she doesn't have (the same love for your child and the same wishes for him to be around), she is giving to your son in a way that is much more selfless than a biological parent's giving. She's getting none of the rewards, none of the recognition, and taking on a hell of a lot of risk. Why don't you work on admiring what she does rather than trying to police her (VERY NORMAL for someone in her position!) thoughts?
Every single day she is facing some deep fears, working through a grief process, and trying to be brave. She is doing that because she loves you and she likes your son. Acknowledge how hard it is for her and don't try to shame her for how she feels. Can you imagine being her and having your partner NOT EVEN SEE all that I've laid out in the last paragraphs, plus act like you're somehow dangerous to him and his son because of how you're feeling? It hurts so much.
Treasure this woman instead of fearing her. If you break it down, what she is choosing to do is a big deal. I, for one, think she seems pretty special.
Cadence, thanks (and to
Cadence, thanks (and to others too). You just about reduced me to tears here. Thank you for writing all that - everything you have said rings so true and eloquently verbalises so much that i have been unable to understand since we started this relationship. I honestly cant tell you how much it means to have had a perfect stranger possibly on the other side of the world take the time to share that with me.
I feel an awful lot more positive than i did 48hrs ago, and yeah - my GF has gone way up in my estimation for sticking by me DESPITE my behaviours over the past 1.5 years. Im certain that if she saw this thread (and maybe she will) she would agree as well.
Im starting to appreciate just how hard it has been for her - and will continue to be im sure. Im determined to let her know that much more. Im very lucky to have found someone who is prepared to get in a relationship with me and my baggage and assorted hangups. Shes doing the best she can and i love her all the more for it.
Im going to read and re-read your reply several times now because this thread has helped me see things in a completely different light compared to a few days ago - thank you so much!
What Echo said As a matter of
What Echo said
As a matter of fact, many people have posted that they do not reveal their true feelings about their SKs because they know that would end their relationships.
This woman is in back tracking in order to hang on to the OP. When it's all said and done, his son will be the one to pay the price for the two adults not being able to we need to end this.
He found someone to say what
He found someone to say what he wanted to hear. Don't bother with logic, dangit!
Echo, that coffee mug is full
Echo, that coffee mug is full of Zing Zang!!
He found someone to say what
He found someone to say what he wanted to hear. Don't bother with logic, dangit!
Well, out of the myriad
Well, out of the myriad responses i have had here including the "she's an evil bitch leave her now" advice (which i also really appreciate), the most logical stuff - i.e. the stuff makes the most sense given what i know of her - is that she's doing her best and struggling to find her place in my world, which i havent really gone out of my way to make OUR world - yet.
Im not an idiot blinded by love, i'd never do anything to jeopardise my sons happiness or welfare. My reticence to move in with my GF for instance has been due to trying to protect myself and him. We are not married, or engaged, ive done this at a snails pace compared to most people because i have been so scared of screwing up what i already had.
See ya in 6 months.
See ya in 6 months.
well, ive definitely not gone
well, ive definitely not gone about things the right way thats for sure, and have undoubtedly contributed to her feelings on this matter.
she came straight out of a long term relationship for me, with her high school sweetheart. She took a big risk to do that - and its been v difficult. Hopefully its not too late to improve the situation, and i can see from the responses here that a lot of that has to come from me
I am feeling rather blunt
I am feeling rather blunt this morning, so I will just say this:
Getting into a relationship with a man who has a child when she knew she didn't want kids was a bad move...
Staying in a relationship with a woman who didn't want kids when you have a kid is a bad move...
IF the two of you want to remain in this relationship, you should seek the advice of a therapist well-versed in step-family dynamics...
You need to take a hard look at how you are parenting this child - IF you are a Disney Dad, that may be contributing to her feelings of resentment and jealousy. IF you drop everything when your kid is around, and ignore her, that may be contributing to her feelings of resentment and jealousy.
SHE needs to take a hard look at her own damn self. IF kids are a deal-breaker for her, and she is certainly entitled to feel that they are, then she needs to move on and find a man who doesn't have/want kids.
She wants him to regret his
She wants him to regret his past, he is the one who said that he can't because HE is the one that feels like it is saying he regrets his kid.
He said she gets along with the kid.
I see what you are saying
I see what you are saying tommar. I wrote a long second reply on this subject.
When I had my first kid with my ex it was a whirlwind of happiness. It was engagement showers, huge wedding, honeymoon. A year later it was then baby showers, a great pregnancy in which my ex came with me to every appointment. He was so happy he kept the pee stick, and even framed the sonogram. Then it was baby and he wanted another one right away.
It is a memory now. The children that we had was planned and wanted by both of us. How could anyone regret that.
Now with that said, do you think the woman that my ex married now would ever want to hear that? Hell NO! I would also never share that with my husband.
Exactly, Tommar, this woman
Exactly, Tommar, this woman is sick and twisted
Dump her. Before lunch.
Dump her. Before lunch.
This is coming from a person
This is coming from a person who's dad put his new wife first and foremost over myself when I was a child. DO NOT let this woman dictate anything about your relationship with your child, or make you feel guilty for having a past, My former step-mom sounds A LOT like your girlfriend. My dad was never able to stand up to this woman, and therefore, I took a back seat for most of my childhood, because she was a jealous, manipulative person.
Because of her and her jealousy, I lost the relationship that I had with my dad. Over time- we have reconnected, but it was because of this woman that we did not have a relationship growing up. Believe me, your son will know what is going on and will begin to resent you if you allow this woman to continue acting the way that she is.
If she loves you, and wants the relationship to work, she will accept ALL of you, and that includes your son and your past.
She sounds extremely immature.
Hello. I just wanted to say
Hello. I just wanted to say thanks to all of you for your responses and advice. I have a lot of thinking to do and me and my GF have a lot of talking to do together. its good to know there are support forums like this, what did people do before they existed?
They drink heavily WITH
They drink heavily WITH support forums!! Some days that's all you have.
How often has she said this?
How often has she said this? Once, in an intimate sharing of her deepest thoughts?
Or all the time?
I once told my DH that I wished he had never met his ex and had never had kids with her. I told him the god's honest truth- I wished we could start OUR family and have it just be US, without all these other people hanging on like bad baggage. He just listened.
Was I awful to say that? No. Part of me mourned that the fantasy life I dreamed was never going to happen.
So what happened? What happened is for 16 years I've been faithfully by his side, raising his kids, and dealing with his ex. Yes, his past is often difficult for me. I have had to sacrifice GREATLY because of his past choices. Two of his kids have special needs, and his ex is a violent, mentally unstable woman who is really manipulative. But here I stay.
And I think it was him allowing me to express my deepest thoughts in a place of understanding and acceptance that kept me there.
I wasn't wishing his KIDS away, I was wishing the DREAMS I used to cherish away.
So you have to decide, OP. Was she just sharing her darkest thoughts in a place of safety, or is she some awful, terrible she-hound of hell who is undeserving?
It sounds to me like she's your average SM who dared for one second to admit something REAL.
Then.... your partner is not
Then.... your partner is not THE one. IMHO.
Why? Because if she was the one, and conversely if you were THE one for her she would embrace everything about you. That includes your past which is a key part of everyones make up at any given time.
My bride is an amazing woman. Yes, she had a kid at 16 and was a single teen mom when I met her. In the intervening 22+ years she has become a college and graduate school degree holder (both with honors), a CPA with a successful career and we have raised a young man of character together.
All of the things she has experienced make her who she is and I would not change anything about her.
My own experiences are part of what make me ... me. We work together, we fit, no lamenting pre-Rags and bride history.
IMHO of course.
Good luck and take care of you.
I am not a man, but I am on
I am not a man, but I am on the other side of it. My fiancé has a 17 year old. She lives with him 100% of the time (no bio mother). I don't hate his PAST, I don't wish he had NO past (considering our ages that is not even possible), but I surely did not sign up and never DESIRED to enter a FAMILY with an older child or any child for that matter. No matter what, it is a stranger, a third person that I do wish just wasn't there. I don't wish the child any harm, I am nice to her, but it is very HARD to accept someone else's child and to accept a relationship with two people instead of one. It is hard to be joining a family instead of building a family. It is a lot easier for you because it is your child and you love him. But trust me, it would not be that easy for you too if you had no kids and she had a 14 year old that you had no relations to.
I don't think she necessarily WANTS you to hate your past or your son. I seriously think you are misreading what she is trying to communicate to you (and she may not be the best communication - most people are not). But I think what she is trying to say is that she is having a seriously hard time with it all and she wishes you were moth empathetic (see he definition of this word coz it is not the same as sympathy) and understanding of her feelings, would not get upset with her, and would reassure her by saying how much you understand that it is very hard for her and how much you appreciate that despite that she is still nice to your son and how much it means to you.
Cuttlefish, have you ever
Cuttlefish, have you ever considered taking a week off, and going away somewhere by yourself, for some alone time and reflection? What you think and feel in these moments alone might provide some answers about what's really important to you.
When I read your story, my jaw dropped. Your situation is EXACTLY like my husbands' , and your girlfriend's situation is EXACTLY like mine.
I don't think (obviously) that she's an evil bitch, and that you should dump her. I also don't think that it's fair or appropriate for people to say to YOU or HER "Oh well, you knew the persons' stance and situation before hooking up with them.....so don't complain" . I know from experience that it doesn't work that way.
But what I DO think, is that people who put themselves into this kind of situation will need counselling and education on a permanent, on-going basis. You both need to have weekly talks, counselling, meetings, accountability sessions, and need to be reading books on the subject.
From everything I've read, I have no doubt that she has certainly brought her fair share of faults to the table. But I'm sure you have too......
I know that you might say that therapy and education sounds like a whole lot of effort.
But to leave you with an analogy........
If you had a one-man business, you would probably do your own book-keeping . If your business expanded, you would eventually have to hire a professional full-time book-keeper...... simply because the complexity and difficulty level of your business will have gone up a level.
Its the same here. One-to-one talks over the kitchen table aren't enough. You need to bring in the professionals.
Peace.
Could be harmless.
Could be harmless.
I wish to god my DH didnt have a kid and we could have met and done it properly. BUT he never knows this and never will as im adult enough to keep stumn. He doesnt put the kid before me though so there is no issues and no one goes without, maybe your just not that into her