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Poly follow up with DH

PolyMom's picture

Submitted by PolyMom on Thu, 10/29/2015 - 10:00pm

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So, I have to live on xanax for the next week.

DH was diagnosed stage 1 non Hodgkin's lymphoma this past July. The oncologist said 3 rounds of chemo, easy stuff. 3, turned into 5, turned into 7. They think it spread to his lungs and kidneys. We have to wait for a PT scan next week to find out for sure. It could be nothing. If it's not nothing, and the cancer spread, it would be stage 4, and quite serious...the oncologist told him he'd need to have his affairs in order, and asked if he has a will.

BM is still a total beast. I almost want her to message me so I can give her three choice words and take out all this fear and anger I'm having on her. It's amazing how I used to let her get to me so much, and rightfully so...as the boys were younger, and much more impressionable...but now they see what a loon she is, they absolutely don't think it's me, and we get along great...but as soon as that happens, I worry I'm going to be widowed at 36.

The xanax is the only thing letting me sleep and getting things done around the house and not sobbing to a random cashier at CVS (like I did this morning). The waiting is the worst. "It could be nothing" or "It could be everything." How do people deal with this? Everyone tells me how strong I am, but I don't feel strong. I feel useless. DH is my favorite person in the entire world. He is the love of my life. We've only been married 4 years, together for 7. We wanted to travel the world together when we retired. I can't fathom my life without him. He is my life. And that turns into "don't be ridiculous, it could be nothing and you're getting all worked up over nothing...what a fool you are, Poly." I fucking hate this.

PolyMom's picture

Submitted by PolyMom on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 10:31am

Thank you so much. Your thoughts are so greatly appreciated. I am constantly terrified and trying to keep myself busy so it doesn't consume me....but no always successfully.

Indigo's picture

Submitted by Indigo on Thu, 10/29/2015 - 10:13pm

{{Hugs}} Poly, I've thought of you and your DH. Terrifying. I am so sorry that you both are facing this.

notsobad's picture

Submitted by notsobad on Thu, 10/29/2015 - 10:17pm

Oh man, it sucks that you are dealing with this.
There is no right way to feel, you feel what you feel.

I really hope that you get good news. If it's bad please find a support group. There are others out there who can help you deal.

Sending you love and light.

PolyMom's picture

Submitted by PolyMom on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 10:33am

Thank you. I have to keep telling myself all the time. There is no right way to be. Or what to say. I'll do what I can, and not guilt myself about any of it, because I just have to respond to everything that's happening. The hardest part is staying chipper for the kids. I don't want to drag them into the worry. If the time comes, it'll be hard enough on them.

Maxwell09's picture

Submitted by Maxwell09 on Thu, 10/29/2015 - 11:19pm

You have every right to feel as you do. I would be terrified if this were my DH. I tell people all the time if anything were to happen to me I'd be a hermit the rest of my life. I just don't know what to do without him; even on our worst days I couldn't imagine him gone. I pray you get answers soon and it's good news.

PolyMom's picture

Submitted by PolyMom on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 10:34am

Thank you so much. It's hard to believe this is really happening. Every morning (and let's face it) after every nap, I wake up and it takes me a minute to realize it's real. It's not going away, and there's nothing I can do about it.

PolyMom's picture

Submitted by PolyMom on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 10:35am

Thanks. I cry all the time. I didn't know I had this much fluid in me. I try and get it all out before the kids get back from school. Being alone is the worst.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 7:38am

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs.

I have had a couple of close calls with DH (one was a heart attack) and it was so hard keeping it together.

My mom died when she was 36 and it was the hardest thing, watching her die. But it was also excruciating watching my dad go through that. He was a widower at 35 years old, after being with my mother since high school, and he had 3 daughters to finish raising.

Sometimes, life just really sucks. I am so sorry you are going through this.

PolyMom's picture

Submitted by PolyMom on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 10:37am

It just doesn't seem fair. People shouldn't die before a certain age. I don't know what that age should be...but it's just not fair.

Bruniesmom's picture

Submitted by Bruniesmom on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 8:12am

{{{{hugs}}}}

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It sucks big time. My best friend of over 40 years, (basically my sister since I don't have one), was dx'd with stage four colon cancer that had spread to her liver. She was dx'd in April, and has had chemo drip, surgery, and is now taking a chemo pill. The doctors at first told us if the chemo didn't work the first time, there was nothing that really could be done. The two of us cried on her kitchen floor for about an hour. After the chemo, the Dr. said that surgery would go ahead. They got nearly all of it out. So she has the chemo pill until the middle of January. So far, the Dr. is pretty sure that she has years instead of months now. Still, she is pissed, scared, depressed, yet strong. I have never seen her this strong. I told her, point blank, that it should have been ME who was dx'd with cancer and NOT her, because I am not that strong. So far, I have done all that I can for her.

It sucks. Cry. You are definitely allowed to. This is your hubby. If you feel you can't in front of him, get in your car, park in a parking lot and cry until your lungs hurt. But also know, even with the worst news, the treatments now are better. My bestie and I decided to just think it would be the worst case scenario, and when it wasn't, we breathed.

I'll add your hubby to my prayer list. The girls and I bless everyone after prayers at night. You'll be right up there!!

PolyMom's picture

Submitted by PolyMom on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 10:45am

Thank you so much! It'll be easier to cry when we don't have to keep this so hush, hush. My mom told me that they call it "practicing" medicine because there never is one easy answer that works for everyone. It's definitely the case here.

Salems Lot's picture

Submitted by Salems Lot on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 8:24am

Hi Poly,

I was where you are now, almost 10 years ago. It is hard and it is terrifying. I was 38.

Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. Don't keep it bottled up. Please talk to someone.

PolyMom's picture

Submitted by PolyMom on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 10:47am

Thanks! I've never been more scared in my life. I think I came into step-talk because no one knows us here, and I don't want to unnecessarily freak out everyone on facebook. Retelling the same story gets exhausting emotionally, but if it turns bad, I will definitely let it pour all over my support system.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 9:21am

Hug...I was widowed at 34 and it is awful, but you do survive and you can get through this. I will tell you, I got really tired of all the "you can do this, you are strong" crap. But, they were right and I was. You need to take care of you and if that means losing it on the clerk at the drug store, go right ahead. I had one with a nurse in a hospital. You do what you got to do.

It may be nothing and he will be fine, but if he is not, you got this. Happy to chat with you privately, because I really do know this hell you are in now.

robin333's picture

Submitted by robin333 on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 11:15am

Hugs. I am so sorry you are going through this. I became a widow (unexpectedly) at 36. Do whatever you have to to get through this, doesn't matter if that means crying to random strangers, eating a gallon of ice cream or going OCD with cleaning the house.

I will be thinking about you and hoping for good news.

PolyMom's picture

Submitted by PolyMom on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 9:35pm

Thank you, and I am so sorry for you loss. My mom came over today, and we OCD'd the family room. She told me one room, one day at a time. It does actually help keep my mind off it temporarily. Thank you for your warm thoughts.

PolyMom's picture

Submitted by PolyMom on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 9:39pm

Thank you. I was planning to tell BM to perform an impossible sex act, but not in those words. I actually stood up to her for the first time when she emailed me the other day telling me my husband is a liar. Just couldn't take it. I told her if she didn't want me involved in the raising of her children to leave me out of her messages, or I'd be forced to tell her exactly my opinion on how she continuously damages her children, so to think very clearly if she wants me involved. She responded with something completely stupid, and I left it at that. It amazes me that after 5 years of garbage from her, in one night, I have no stress left for her. She really means nothing to me, and I couldn't care any less about her.

DarkStar's picture

Submitted by DarkStar on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 12:15pm

I am so sorry. Watching someone you love suffer is so hard. The uncertainty makes it even harder.

Sending prayers to you and your hubby.......and a tree to fall on your BM.

StepLady's picture

Submitted by StepLady on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 12:24pm

Prayers to you and your family. What a dreadful time you are facing. Hugs. We will be thinking of all of you in the coming days.

PolyMom's picture

Submitted by PolyMom on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 9:49pm

Thank you so much. It is definitely hard, but we're somehow hanging in there, occasionally. Otherwise, it's just crying.

PolyMom's picture

Submitted by PolyMom on Fri, 10/30/2015 - 9:50pm

They were able to get DH in for his PT scan this afternoon! We should have his results, initially by Tuesday, and detailed by next Friday. Thanks everyone for your warm wishes, thoughts and prayers. I will keep you updated.

PolyMom's picture

Submitted by PolyMom on Sun, 11/01/2015 - 6:04pm

Thank you so much. As much torture as I'm feeling....DH is in a terrible state as well. He is having panic attacks worrying about what will happen to his boys if something happens to him. BM is really screwed up, and the thought sends him into hyperventilating sobs. I keep telling him to focus on deep breathing...and the doc telling him to have his affairs in order could be like a doctor advising him to wear his seat belt on a bumpy ride....like once they'd start going with treatments, he's going to be too ill to be in a worrying state of mind, so work that out while he's still strong enough. That's all I can come up with. I'm going to message our family therapist to get him in. I don't know what else to tell him. Sad

TheBrightSide's picture

Submitted by TheBrightSide on Thu, 11/05/2015 - 9:35pm

Life sucks ass sometimes. I'm thinking of you, hoping that you are still managing. I have zero advice for you.

My Mom was widowed at 32. 5 kids. I was the youngest at 3.

Keep breathing.