Hit me with how this will blow up in my face
I posted just over a month ago about possibly wanting to move and if we would be "allowed" and got some great comments and took time to think it all over.
OKAY so here it is. We want to move. In our minds we are moving. BM already lives over 600 miles away, (she was the one to move away)but the issue is we want to move to ...... Canada (currently in the US).
My SO got a great job offer, like $15-20,000 raise great.
I am from Canada and my siblings and I own a few properties, some income and some personal residence. I only add this to show we would have family, stability and 2 good incomes there.
Please argue the other side, tell me where you see pitfalls/issues/ANYTHING THAT WOULD STOP THIS MOVE
So here is our side;
SK is not in school yet (next year)
No family or long term connections within 600 miles of current home.
SK returned from summer visitation with BM mid August and as of today BM has Skyped once, for 10 min, since then.
She has also already strongly hinted she is cancelling her next scheduled weekend visit in Nov (she likes to wait until last minute to officially bail). The visit after that is end of Jan (weekend) and that is it until next summer (this long break was her idea to make up for with holding SK last year, we are not sure it's best).
She pays no child support and SO has primary physical, joint legal (so we need her permission to move across the border)
We found out she has been lying about her job and she is actually in the adult entertainment industry (so the hours are all over and usually over night/ sleeps all day so I don't think she could fight for full physical)
I have been primary caregiver at home with SK for a year (mixed with play groups and one daycare day a week for social fun)
We do not intend to change visitation or lessen her access in any way (needs to be stressed as this move is not being done with the intention of damaging their relationship) but the current agreement (in writing) is that she covers SK travel costs which is what I think the big issue will be for her (it's always money).
I'm seeing this chance at a huge improvement in our lives both financially and in regards to family connections. My family have all Skyped multiple times to stay included in our lives and to stay connected to SK.
I'm sure I'm missing info but I'll answer questions if helpful, please argue the other side, how will this blow up in our faces? What am i missing that will make this move not happen?! I acknowledge I'm over excited and it makes me fearful I am missing something huge she will use to keep us here.
Thank you in advance all criticism and advice is much appreciated.
I'll admit you have said what
I'll admit you have said what I was hoping to hear. She does not have her life together and while I want a relationship for them I want a good future for us as well. I told my SO I would be happy to play dirty and I had not thought of trying to collect outstanding CS, I always feel like I need to beg her for anything even when it improves life for SK.
Bm already lives 600 miles
Bm already lives 600 miles away, so theres already a distance thing but depending on whereabouts in the US could make a difference.
My geography is bad but lets say you guys live in Texas, thats the complete opposite side of the US to Canada and Texas is huge so 600 miles is still in the same state.
But if you are living on one of the boarder states (like North Dakota) then I cant imagine it will make much difference.
I would be getting DH down the solicitors and get the paperwork drawn up if you require her signature and have DH tell her; Look we are moving to Canada, the current visitation schedule will remain the same.
You could even consider offering to pay half towards travel costs for the visitation if you wanted BUT be careful of this, because if you do and she doesnt just sign it could bite you in the ass and find you are ordered to pay for travel for MORE visitation than what she has now.
If she signs, yay you are moving without too much hassle!
If not, you keep up with the move and do all the legal stuff you need to prevent her claiming you are fleeing the country. Then when she does you counter for the outstanding and backdated CS.
Never forget that the courts are all to often in favour of BM and although the kids have been with you, they havent started school yet so its perfectly reasonable in a judges eye for a mother to "see the wrong of her ways and want her babies with her".
Talking from experience here, my fiance lost custody because of BMs "lost time" despite him being the lone parent from birth to two years old, since SD was only two it was deemed shes young enough to adjust to schedule changes because shes not in school. (The other main issue was his working hours which again were not an issue when BMs situation was worse)
So whilst it works in your favour for such a big move, it can also work against you if BM is prepared to use it.
This was a big fear for me.
This was a big fear for me. That the court will say that she deserves another chance to be a mom. I am worried about it but when I look at her lifestyle right now I don't think she wants to have SK full time but I need to be ready for this fight you are right. Any advice on how I could prepare for this or help our case if this were to happen?
It really might happen. My
It really might happen.
My fiance always knew that him having full custody was only going to be temporary, he knew as soon as BM got a full time job and stable home then he would loose it. He tested the fire and stated he wanted to move away for a promotion, BM took him back to court and he lost custody because she had a job that enabled SD to be in child care less.
Now at that point I was only just coming into the picture, so my fiance couldnt use me as a back up, whereas BMs family all lives locally so to the judge she had more support than he did.
You basically need to prove that its in the skids best interest to stay with you, but you also need to prove that they are with their dad. If YOU are the primary care giver and you are the one taking and fetching them then it may work in your favour if BM is unable to do the same but will work against you if she is (if that makes sense?)
Basically the courts favour BMs anyway, but after that they prefer the kids to spend the majority of their time with one of their biological parents. If they are living with dad but its step mum taking care of them and Mum suddenly wants to play mum then it will depend on how good your solicitors are and the mood of the judge as to whether they give her that chance.
All you can do is get all your old calanders and diaries, document and go back over every occassion she has seen the kids, show that its been minimal and inconsistent so if it starts to look like its going that way you MIGHT be able to play the side of happy to develop a relationship between BM and kid(s) but given how it has been it may be better to build it up. Alot like they do for addicts.
Basically you need to get your ducks in a row for making it look like you want to give her more visitation and time but at the same time proving why and how this isnt appropriate.
BUT this wont be a smooth or a fast process if she isnt happy to agree to it, in which case you may loose that job oppourtunity.
This is what I keep thinking,
This is what I keep thinking, they surely wouldn't take him away from a stable home but they may say no to the move.
My thoughts always jump to "would they keep us here with no connections?"
We have no family close and BM and SO only moved here right before SK was born so it's not like SO has roots here either.
Also, you said what I always come back to..... she doesn't even use the time she was given to see SK, she doesn't even SKYPE for goodness sake, it's not as if we are ripping SK from family and connections with her, she cannot be bothered to phone so how will more distance change that.
My SO has been the stable parent, even BM admitted he was better and providing better for SK than she is capable of (we saved that msg too!)
She is also on medication and only 6 months ago was threatening suicide.
The big kicker is would things change if her or I were pregnant? For better or worse? We were going to start trying months ago but put it on hold un til we had all this settled and I know she was pregnant but ended the pregnancy, i know she would get knocked up if she thought it would help.
You brought up some great
You brought up some great points and SO has called his potential employer to discuss taking shorter lunches during the week in order to come in late 1 or 2 days a week which would allow him to take SK to daycare or a playgroup in the morning on those days. Employer is eager to have SO on board so he said they would be able figure something out. This company is very family oriented so we are lucky he is willing to work this out.
HA! There are times when I
HA! There are times when I think just get involved with SK or disappear!!
This is what I tell myself
This is what I tell myself when I get over thinking, that border is a HUGE mental and legal block. If we were moving further distance wise but staying in the US I think she would be less likely to fight. We are going to put money aside for a lawyer in advance and get hope it doesn't come to that.
This is SOs plan, he is happy
This is SOs plan, he is happy to ask nicely and benefits but he is firm that this will improve life for SK and is willing to step up and start collecting CS and make her start paying her 50% of medical etc if she is going to prevent him from a larger income. I think it's fair since the bump in income would allow us to cover all those costs and more so if she stops that income she should help right?
This is my plan. I hope she
This is my plan.
I hope she will see the benefit and that she does not lose any time with SK.
We were told to giver her a deadline to answer, 2 weeks, and another week to sign and return paperwork if she agreed. This timeline gives SO time to let his potential job know and hopefully get into court and start the legal process in time for us to still keep that job.
When I'm not in panic mode
When I'm not in panic mode this is what I end up telling myself.
Let's talk to her, assure her we are not changing the amount of time she sees SK or changing the holiday schedule etc. If she brings up costs which is more than likely then we offer to help, SO said if she still argues he will offer to cover more trvael but also collect CS just to show he is firm and serious and show her she needs to be reasonable.
What does the court order say
What does the court order say about moving? ExDF can move anywhere. However, BM(CP) can't move more than 50 miles away without his permission.
So we have read and reread
So we have read and reread the agreement and it states that the arrangement is based on current addresses and if she moves WITHIN 50 miles of SK custody will be reopened but the fact it's based on current addresses means if we move technically it is possible to reopen. My whole thought process is will the court entertain her having more custody when she shows no interest and is not able to hold any job other than stripping (which has not great hours for having custody)
Do you think we should start
Do you think we should start by saying we will pay 100%, or see how she reacts and then discuss that option?
My only fear is if we start with that she will only go up and demand more, when SO was given primary (she agreed on her own as she was struggling) the only thing she cared about was that even though SK wasn't living with her that she would still get the money SO was sending, the FULL amount! He agreed because we had concerns for SK safety and just wanted primary right away.
She does not even have once a
She does not even have once a month, she has rotating holidays and a month in the summer. I think it works out to 60 or 65 days a year?
It always comes back to that fear of courts favouring BM, you are totally right. I hate that we have to fear it but I cannot shake it and I cannot risk SK happiness and future. I just want to have as solid a plan as possible. All the input here is super helpful.
Yes she left the state
Yes she left the state originally, taking SK with her. She then realized she couldn't / didn't want to deal with full time parenthood and agreed SO could do better and SK was brought back up here (we went to pick up). The CO is based on BM living that distance.
She has already signed the
She has already signed the paperwork for SK passports and they have been applied for.
SO is the one with the great
SO is the one with the great job offer so I will not be taking financial responsibility but I do wn the house we would live in and have rental income from another property.
We don't care about CS aside from using it as a bargaining tool to be honest. I think offering the 50% to start would ease things, I'd prefer to have her agree before going to court and having to pay 100%
Yes! Men are so afraid to
Yes!
Men are so afraid to rock the boat in case they get the kids taken away, which is a real fear from everything I hear!
She lied about what she was
She lied about what she was doing and because so much of a strippers income is tips she has a very low income on paper so we would be in the same boat and only getting min wage CS while she gets her new clothes and massive tattoos and smokes pot while ranting on fb about how much she misses SK.... end rant
If anyone is still following
If anyone is still following this, a friend said BM just posted pics of a new cute house with a fresh rental agreement and that she also posted about a wedding in january and trying for a new baby right after said wedding.... We're not going to be able to move are we
this seems like a court would say she is getting her act together, which on paper it would seem true but we know she isn't and I'm just panicked about how and when or if to even attempt this anymore
Thank you, I've been over
Thank you, I've been over emotional and I know it but seeing this response was a good reality check and I appreciate it.
She just moved from a flea invested (SK actually was covered in fleas after last visit) trailer to a nice 3 bedroom house with her new bf.
I saw the pics and just went to the assumption that she is preparing to try and take SK away but you are totally right. If she really was getting herself together she would be getting a job that wasn't stripping and she would be finding a way to make her next visit work so she could see SK. The courts look at stuff like that I assume, we document her calls or lack there of and even if she has a new place with a room for SK she still has only called SK once in the last 9 weeks.
We are going to get all our ducks in a row, get the job offer on paper, get some financial records and character statements and then speak to a lawyer. We will continue to document everything with her and then figure out how to bring this up.
Sadly (or not depending on my mood) BM and her family will certainly be the type to start new with the next baby, she jumped onto this dick 3 days after leaving SO and had SK calling him Daddy (or tried) after 3 weeks....
I think a firm but polite presentation of how this is a great opportunity combined with the reminder that we do not/have not made an issue over CS (and won't need to if we take this opportunity) as well as offer 50% travel might be our approach. We will reassure her that the visits will not change at all and remind her that Skype is still welcomed and encouraged.
It will allow her to forever blame SO for "taking" SK away and she loves a good victim role but most importantly we can move on with our lives, and provide so much more for our little family
What a long rant of a reply, sorry....