Getting "us" time with single dad
Would it be reasonable for me to expect at least 2 days a month of just "us" time? Here is my situation. My boyfriend of 4 years is a single dad of 3 teenagers 13, 16, and 18. I feel he gets plenty of alone time with his kids (as I think he should): Monday-Thursday it's the 4 of them together without me plus a good part of Sundays. I usually go to his place every weekend Friday night, Saturday day and night, and Sunday evening (yes I sleep over his place those evenings). He has taken them places like kite flying, movies, out to eat, etc. without me from time to time also. He used to drop by my home about 1 evening a week and occasionally we went out on a date night (money is tight for him). But those once a week "us" times at my home are now barely 1 time a month (I'm sure once a week with me became difficult as a dad of 3). Rarely will he suggest doing anything alone nowadays. It seems only when I mention that we hardly ever go out and do anything with just the two of us that he remembers to plan "us" time. On the weekends, for the most part his kids don't leave the house when I am there to go do things with their friends or on their own...it is basically always ALL of us together when I come over (they are pretty good kids and I have a good relationship with them). My point being...rarely time for just the two us, but plenty of time for just the 4 of them together without me. Am I being reasonable in feeling our relationship is being neglected a bit or am I asking too much based on his situation? They are kids, I get it they need a lot more time with their dad and have no problem with that. But since he is not attempting to spend at least TWO nights a month alone with me is making me feel he does not have a desire to. Sure I can be the one to initiate "us" time, but for some reason it bothers me that HE rarely initiates any more (he used to). One night a month is hardly anything in my opinion! This makes me unhappy and resentful. Are my feelings reasonable, or am I overreacting?
If what I am asking is reasonable, then how can I bring up we need to make at least 2 nights a month of just "us" time, with more initiation on his part without sounding demanding or needy? I do feel that hardly any "us" time is negatively affecting our relationship. Our relationship has become mostly me going to his house and hanging with him and his kids (with the 5 of us doing fun things together sometimes). My time is also spent helping him shop and cook for them on the weekends. By the way, he also helps me with errands and my dogs while I am there on weekends too. But it is starting to feel like we don't have much of our own "grown up" relationship in the midst of all that. I don't want to come across as too needy, but I also don't understand why it has dwindeled off like this either. He does treat me very well otherwise and we have a great relationship (I have input to kids behavoir issues and rules even though I don't live there because we are planning to live together in the near future). I miss having time with just the two of us where I can be free to talk without his kids hearing everything.
I don't think 2 nights a
I don't think 2 nights a month is asking too much.
If the relationship is important to him, he will make some time for you. Maybe it's time to stop making it easy for him and see what happens. Be prepared, it might not work out how you want.
Thank you.Yes- I have been
Thank you.Yes- I have been getting the feeling I make it too easy for him and he has gotten lazy. I guess it bothers me too that he used to be eager to come over and see me once a week and now, not so much. I think since he is so good to me otherwise, I have tolerated this longer than I should have. In my mind, if he cannot make 2 times a month of "us" time, this won't work out due to building resentment. But I'm unsure how to approach him so I don't come off like I'm attacking him.
I feel he gets plenty of
I feel he gets plenty of alone time with his kids
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He may not feel the same. That being said...I do not think you are being unreasonable considering he has full custody of the kids. (I would feel different if he only got them 4 days a month.)
Maybe sit him down and explain it how you explain it here. Here is a suggestion....How about you two agree on two days at the beginning of he month. You take one day and he takes one day then you each make plans of things to do as a couple. That way it is not all on him. You plan one date and he plans the other.
Thank you, I think that is a
Thank you, I think that is a very good suggestion. I'm not sure how he would think he does not get plenty of alone time with his kids...maybe if I point out he gets 4 1/2 days of time alone with them every week while he and I only get 1 day a month? That imbalance seems so obvious.
We are talking about living
We are talking about living together and then marriage. I think this is why I'm really paying this a lot of attention now. I do enjoy a bit of the "family" life, but I want "couple" life too. Looks like I need to see if he can give that to me now, and keep it up for a while before I decide to move in. Even as a family, couples still need date nights I feel.
Yes, I am definately going to
Yes, I am definately going to do that. He had told me he always believed in "date nights" and their importance. I obviously need to address this again with him and get a definate commitment for date nights, not vague promises.
I'm dealing with the same
I'm dealing with the same thing, but one kid that he has 50/50. These kids are too old to be constantly entertained by Daddy. They should be at friends' houses and having friends over. Do they have any activities? You aren't being unreasonable at all. If you ask him for more and he can't seem to work it in, then go out on dates with other men. You might be wasting your best years waiting for him.
Wow-how are you handling the
Wow-how are you handling the situation? Yeah, I don't understand staying home ALL the time at their age. I know they missed time with him on several deployments when he was married. Like several years of their life. So to some degree I understand about how much they want to be at home. Even boyfried said he felt like he missed out on getting to know them when they were younger and the kids are doing better nowadays with him having full custody. He give them guidance, consistency and responsibility unlike their mother. His long deployment days are now a thing of the past.
We have been yo-yo'ing for
We have been yo-yo'ing for the past 2.5 years but I finally told him I'm going to go out with others because I don't consider us together anymore. Of course he doesn't like it, but I realized he was putting me off until some magical time... I realize that he will likely still do what he's doing even when the kid is an adult, so I'm done wasting my time. They are "best buds" and I don't exist when he has him, so... I've got two kids who are super busy that need me, and friends to occupy my time. He is the only one missing out.
His kids still need to be connecting with others. Their stability is there with Dad, they should be branching out under his guidance or they will be there forever. If you want to be married to him, I think you will find yourself disappointed. Don't accept less than what you want.
I'm sorry to hear how it is
I'm sorry to hear how it is turning out for you. You should still exist when he has him. Maybe I should find out whey his kids aren't more connected to others...it does concern me their world is not very expanded so to speak.
I am new to the site and just
I am new to the site and just out of a relationship with a single dad…It amazes me that we think we are asking to much for TWO nights a week, jeez
I would bend myself in half to be with my man, I would be making sure he never felt ignored,
I think its sad that we have to point it out, Hey have you noticed we are barely alone?
I wasn't in a relationship as long as you, but I can tell you it stings, of course they love their children, but at what expense, who are they trying to prove it too that they love their kids..
He just walked 3 weeks ago… no text,call nothing after 8 months, I would have married him, sold my house, relocated…what was I thinking…
I'm so sorry about how he
I'm so sorry about how he handled that. There is no excuse after 8 months to just go MIA. That is selfish and immature.
Thank you…:) I needed a boost
Thank you…:)
I needed a boost today, friends can understand breakups and be supportive, but this "step" thing is a whole new ball game…Kids? really..lol
I am moving on one day at a time…
" He used to drop by my home
" He used to drop by my home about 1 evening a week and occasionally we went out on a date night (money is tight for him)"
Could part of it be the 'money is tight' thing? Three teenagers are expensive. Do you offer to pay for date night now and then? Maybe take turns and on some date nights just a dinner at your house for two, sitting on the deck quietly snuggling. Adult time is indeed very important but it doesn't necessarily have to cost much. three teens don't need babysitters, so maybe one or two evenings a month out (movie, dancing, dinner at a cozy local pub or with friends out, and also one evening a week just you two spending time in your home.
Yes, I pay too when we go
Yes, I pay too when we go out. Actually, I'm not really asking for our 2 nights a month to be date nights. Sure, maybe the occasional movie or dinner out. But when he used to come by once a week, we would just spend that time cuddling and talking and watching a Netflix movie at my place and enjoy a nice glass of wine. It was great bonding time and we could talk about anything without his kids being there to listen (no censoring of conversation). We were often pretty tired after work so it wasn't always sexy time if you know what I mean, and I was fine with that as we get stressed out sometimes with all of our responsibilities. Wow-You have just helped me realize we have lost our "couple bonding time", that's probably why this relationshiop is feeling so lonely lately. Thank you!!
Slow applause!! Standing
Slow applause!!
Standing ovation...
Damn Sueu... You nailed it.
My SO has full custody of his
My SO has full custody of his 3 teenaged kids, plus he has his youngest 3 nights a week. I insisted on date night
Which due to skids lives meant we have date night every other thursday night. This has continued both when i lived with him amd skids and still now we are living apart.
For me it is not enough but i know that while skids are children that is all it will ever be.
Stop thinking of ways for YOU
Stop thinking of ways for YOU to fit into HIS life and start looking at what HE is doing to enrich the relationship.
It takes two to build and nurture a relationship to sustain it and move forward.
He sounds like a taker.... It's his way or the highway. He dosent have to say anything but it's true as he has you twisting yourself Like a pretzel to accomodate him and his kids.... Why? What's he bringing to the relationship?
My story is similar ( my SO now DH) was initially putting his kids first ( as a crutch to avoid intimacy in my opinion). I walked. I refused to be treated second, third, fourth down the ladder. The only way things will change is to change how YOU handle things. You have to show him with actions ( as words and asking for your needs to be met isn't working)
He is treating you as an option because you are letting him!!!!
Thank you very much. You
Thank you very much. You have given great advice. Honestly, I am jealous that they get all that that time and I get so little (and it did NOT used to be that way or I would not have stayed with him). I will make it about our time, not bring up his time along with his kids.
Thank you, I guess I didn't
Thank you, I guess I didn't look at it that way. The jealousy I feel is because I feel it is unfair to me. So I was hoping to get him to realize the unfairness of it. Just because I'm an adult, doesn't mean my needs are not important. Kids aren't the only ones whose needs matter, and we both do plenty already to meet his kids needs (and I don't mean financially as I don't financially support in any way). Thanks for keeping me from coming across as jealous...I'm sure that would just make him defensive. You have given me the balls I didn't know I had-LOL!
You just gave me an idea.
You just gave me an idea. Rather then me go to his place for the weekend starting Friday, I should ask him to come to mine after he has dinner with his kids. Not every week, but just occasionally on a Friday to spend the night with me. We could go back to his place the next morning before his kids are even up since they sleep in late. So he won't miss breakfast with his kids the next day or dinner the night before. This is what I would like to do...but I guess I was afraid it would come across and selfish and not fair to his kids.
Great ideas! Thanks so
Great ideas! Thanks so much!
By the way, do you have any suggestions on what to say to him if he tells me he's concerned he doesn't want his kids to resent me? He has alway been thoughtful and careful in handling our relationship with his kids to make sure they don't resent me as he does want us to all be a family some day. I don't know if he will actually think this...but I want to be prepared for excuses like this in case this is part of the reason why he has slacked off.
Sueu and Sally really have a
Sueu and Sally really have a point. I think I'd start with Sally's approach, and then use Sueu's approach when talking to him.
And remember, you DO have a right to make demands or define what you are ok with. Your feelings DO matter.
Good luck, and keep us posted.