I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

At 23, it is not unreasonable to expect these two young adults to contribute something to the household. Although, I am with you, I would not let the GF live there. If they want to play house, they can get their own place to do it in. I couldn't even imagine living with a BF under my dad's roof (he would have never allowed it, for one thing).

Your husband feels he is helping them with their education, great, but maybe he should be teaching his son some manners and respect, also. The day someone living in my home says they hate me and blah, blah, blah, is the day they don't live with me anymore. Your husband should not allow his son to treat you this way.

It sounds like your husband really babies this grown child. How does he think he is helping to prepare him for the real world? Why does he chauffeur them around? What is the plan for them moving out? Because if it's "when they're ready", that's a problem.

First off, I commend you and your husband for supporting your SS23 while he goes through college. You are covering half his tuition and room and board while he gets an education. Not many young adults have that priveledge and your SS23 is VERY lucky.

That being said, however, I would have burned the house down before letting him move in with his GF. If he wants to shack up with a girl he has to "Man-up" and find his own place. My folks let my GF sleep over a couple of times when I was still living under their roof, but we kept separate rooms and these were just the odd sleepovers, and I was responsible for her (Ie. making sure she got back home safe). This GF may very well be a good girl, but the normal course of evolution for a couple is to move in with your mate in IN YOUR OWN PLACE (not your parent's)

"my step-son said he hates me, that I'm bitter and he hopes I end up alone and miserable - that is what I deserve and he hopes I die alone." What a sweetheart! Way to bite the hand that literally feeds him and his gf PLUS pays for his college fees.

The good news is that you're not going to be "The bad guy" for setting a deadline for them to be out, you ARE already the bad guy. If he hates you so much then immediately stop paying his fees. Let daddy take full responsibility for that. If they are not out by September then you get your own place. I had to make the same ultimatum with DH since ss30 tried to move in several times after we got married. I told him that if his unemployed pot head son moved in that I would promptly be moving out.

I'm glad to hear you're getting counseling. It'll be a revelation to have an outside party tell you that you're not a crazy selfish bitch for not wanting your hateful freeloading stepson and his gf living with you. I'm sure your depression will go away once they are out of your house and you're not spending all of your money on someone who hates you.

As hereiam said, if ss wants to play house then he needs to do it under his own roof. You and DH should not be providing the home and income for him and his gf.

These kind of scenarios are all too common with the millennial generation who want it all and want it now. Parents are expected to pay for and provide for everything while they play house and get taken care of well into adulthood.

Tired,

^^^^^^^^^^ all of this ^^^^^^^^^^

Take care of YOU first. Please.

and don't contribute to anyone, DH, SS, or SS GF, until he apologizes. Plain and simple.
Your current emotional and financial state or at risk and he no one cares but you???
NOT GOOD.

Hang in there.
Stay your course. See your counselor. Tell DH the way YOU NEED it for you to stay. Then be prepared to pack and go if he cant abide. Remember, no one, not even your DH, will look out for you as well as YOU look out for you.
Don't let them take advantage...

<3

Why is he still in school at 23? I wouldn't even wait until September. He bad mouthed you & your supposed to support him? Oh hell no! Tell DH it is time to choose.

1) Cut off all financial support. Don't pay another bill, don't deposit another paycheck into any joint account, pull half of all joint money out and open an account in your own name. Let your DH feel the pinch.
2) Tell your DH that he must inform his son that he and all his baggage must be out by 1 August. If he doesn't do it, then march into the sitting room, turn off the tv, and tell them yourself.
3) Bring home boxes and leave them outside their bedroom. Pick up some of those apartment brochures and leave them in their bathroom.
4) Start purging any common areas of skid belongings: Closets, cabinets etc. Pile it up in the garage.
5) If you have cable tv, remove the cable box. Remove anything other luxuries that skid enjoys.
6) Don't cook, buy groceries, do laundry, or clean.

Leaving is option one. If you want to remain married, you'll have to accept that your DH is incapable of doing what needs to be done. Accept that your relationship with your SS is OVER due to his choices. Stop feeling powerless! Find your anger and use it to as fuel for your broomstick! Chase those two out of your home!

I have been thru this. I am assuming before GF moved into your home that you and your husband talked about this and he over-road your thoughts? Or were thoughts ever considered? I would not have agreed to the GF moving in. If they want to live together than they need to be on their own, my personal take even with my own.

I agree with you that the SS and GF should be contributing. Good for them going to college and holding jobs but that doesn't mean they are without obligation to help around the house, the very least clean up after themselves and I know that sometimes for young people seems to be a big challenge. I think there needs to be some agreed rules in the house as to who is responsible for what. more than likely too much is being left to you and you are feeling resentful. SS doesn't understand because he does not walk in your shoes and he not in your position. If he had a roommate that didn't pull his weight and contribute he'd probably understand.

Here's a quote from an article I think applies to what you are dealing with: "The woman with stepchildren is likely, at some point and perhaps long term, to find herself the family "fall guy" in spite of her kindness and efforts. Stepchildren frequently take their anger, hostility, and disappointment with dad out on his wife/partner. Stepmom is more expendable, an outsider in the family architecture, so blaming and resenting her is easier than confronting dad, who is more loved and respected."

Have a real heart to heart talk with your husband and if he doesn't listen I would suggest counseling.

They got it right when they labeled the millennial generation; however, they should have spelled it MEllennial.

I am so sorry, Tired Step-Mum. That must be so difficult for you. I am working on resolving my own pie-in-face episode that I went thru with adult SKs recently, with hubby seemingly throwing me under the bus. But, I won't go into that here. I just wanted to say that it was only then that I begun to suspect maybe I didn't have a 100% husband, and this was after 14 years of marriage. I had never been married before and married later in life, so when I married my husband, with children, I just thought of it as me and him and the kids (and the occasional pesky ex-). When the kids grew up, I felt a part of their lives. And, then, kind'a had it thrown rather abruptly in my face at a family event recently that his ex- still somewhat owned my husband. Here I was a good person, did a lot for him and his children, and it was rather rudely thrown in my face that I didn't even have 100% husband. I didn't have much in life, but felt I at least deserved a 100% huband, vs. one who after 14 years of marriage, would follow his ex-wife around like a little puppy at a family event doing her bidding, while acting like I wasn't even around/didn't exist. SKs were acting the same. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe you do need to get a way for a while, or at least get some counseling (I did!), and sort your feelings out. That alone can take a long time. There is a LOT to sort through when you get a pie-in-the-face like this. All sorts of long, deeply held feelings come up. I know this site has helped me a lot, and speaking with an empathetic counselor has helped a lot too. At some point (but not now; now, just think about yourself) try to get your husband to go too. Sounds like they ALL take you for granted. Not that unusual, unfortunately. It is horrible too, that your husband lets his son verbally attack you and won't defend you. Trust me, you have done NOTHING wrong. Sometimes someone just needs to hear that.

Counseling has worked wonders for many of us, because I think a lot of us are people pleasers/care givers, and it takes us a while to pick up on the fact that maybe things aren’t on the up-and-up, and by the time we finally start catching on that we are being used vs. appreciated, it is already pretty far in the game, and of course, at that point when you try to bring the inequities to someone’s attention, they are going to try to make it appear like it is your doings. SO, a counselor can really help you to realize that—no!—it is not you or at least not just you. I wanted to say too, you might have to shop around a bit. Not every counselor is going to be a good match. Actually, things are improving for hubby and I. I think the important thing is to stand your ground. In your case, you are definitely correct in not spending one more dime on them. It is absolutely crazy how SMs are expected to give, give, give and get nothing in return, yet you see that all over these pages. Moms, at least if they are taken advantage of, get unconditional love. Step-moms don’t even get that!