A moment to vent
Forums:
Sick of trying so hard and for my family (extended) trying so hard only to be constantly misunderstood and subject to a miscommunication where DH gets super defensive of his kids and I just get mad for all the stuff I have to put up with that I have NO control over and I'm always the bad guy.
EVEN THOUGH MY FAMILY IS WONDERFUL ACCEPTING AND LOVING AND WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH A BM WITH LEGAL ISSUES OUT THE YEN YANG AND I AM THE BAD ONE?????
It is called "conflict by
It is called "conflict by proxy," which is a polite? way of saying that all of the conflict that should be between BM and DH, is being heaped on you. Strange how BM and DH always come out smelling like a rose, and then SM and stepkids, neither of whom had any part in BM and DHs divorce, seem to wind up taking the hits time after time. Not saying that you (nor any one else in this situation) should not have married DH. Just be aware that a lot of conflict by proxy goes on in step-situations, and to try to be aware of when this is occuring and disengaging yourself whenever possible. Meaning, if DH wants to get involved in legal issues with BM, DH should be handling it period and leaving you out of it period, if at all possible. If it will affect your finances, though. Your husband, as a husband, should be supporting you. Don't try to fight his battles for him. There is supporting your husband, and then there is letting him throw you under the bus. Make sure the latter does not occur.
Yes, I just feel like
Yes, I just feel like everything gets twisted and becomes my fault somehow. Example-when plans were made this winter for the kids for the summer the plan was that in August they would go on a trip with BM and StepDad and then on a trip with us immediately after. The timing of the trip with BM and StepDad is during a wedding for one of my cousins and so we are planning on going to that. well, now with BM's legal issues the trip that they had planned is off. I assumed it would still be her weekend and so we didn't make additional arrangements to see if the Skids could also attend the wedding (Small venue, seated dinner, cousin of MINE that they DO NOT EVEN KNOW and maybe have met 1x).
So I had reminded DH to let BM know our exact travel times and he turns it into why weren't Skids invited. I am not saying they weren't. I am just saying at the time they were with BM. BM and DH constantly move schedules around to accommodate things, which is FINE, but this is in no way a command performance and at this point will be very costly and for someone they haven't even met.
sldklskdflsdlkfsdlsd. I DO NOT WIN. EVER.
And yet a wonderful fourth of july weekend iwht my parents and siblings was super inclusive and great but I'm getting this evil SM and excluding the Skids BECAUSE OF A LAST MINUTE CHANGE AND MY ASSUMPTION THAT THE KIDS WOULD BE WITH THEIR MOM EITHER WAY. LSKDF:LSDKFJ.
Cannot. Win.
I love the conflict by proxy. Nice to have a name to it.
I also think DH takes his annoyances out on me when he has to have a lot of back/forth with his ex about scheduling (but this is his own damn fault not mine). I am trying to disengage emotionally and if he does things last minute or doesn't think of it it is on him (example when the plans changed he never once said-hey should we see if kids can go to wedding now that they are not going out of town with BM?) but no. it is one month out and I'm the evil one.
OVER It. Would never marry someone with kids again.
I love this... Conflict by
I love this... Conflict by proxy...
It's hard to be on the receiving end of a defensive daddddyyyyyyyy. I am too. It doesn't matter what i say or how it is said- I'm the bad guy. Someone else may say the EXACT same thing and he doesn't get upset. There are things that SD does that are ridiculous, that I know he thinks would be stupid. He will still defend it and say its no big deal.
I lose my shit with last minute changes now and thank god, for the most part, he won't give in. It took us 4 years to get there. (i don't change my plans and after he got left behind a few times, he smartened up)
It can get really stupid too- on Canada Day he was to pick up SD at a certain time. He was playing bocci ball with some of our friends and I got his attention and tapped my watch. He came over and started chatting with whoever I was standing with and after about 5mins, I asked if he was leaving. He said, "for what?"... I reminded him and he was like, "oh shit!" and got pissy with me that i didn't remind him sooner. Freakin' kidding me???? I didn't even want SD there.
Grown up men have to take control over their own situations.
Can't believe the entitlement
Can't believe the entitlement he's showing about skids not being invited to the wedding. Miss Manners would have a field day with it.
AND AND-I called my Aunt who
AND AND-I called my Aunt who was like of course they can come we will make room (small venue, seated dinner and taking place in a MONTH).....THE ENTIRE ISSUE wAS THAT THEY WERE GOING ON A TRIP WITH THEIR MOM AND STEP DAD AND NO ONE CARED THEN (MEANING DH) THAT THEYW OULD MISS THE WEDDING. NOW SHE HAS LEGAL ISSUES AND IT IS THIS HUGE DEAL THAT THEY ARE NOT GOING. TO A WEDDING FOR SOMEONE THEY MET ONE TIME.
I think part of our struggle/struggle is trying to act like we are a normal first -intact family when the reality is IT IS DIFFERENT. These kids don't even know my cousin. My siblings and their kids are going b/c they have been on the scene for 15 years. And for my own wedding to DH I only invited my sibling's children-I didn't invite my cousin's kids.
THE ENTITLEMENT AND GUILT AND RIDICULOUSNESS OF DIVORCED PARENTING IS TOO MUCH FOR ME.
So you fed the entitlement by
So you fed the entitlement by putting the mother of the bride in an awkward position?
Sorry, but that does nothing to solve the real problem, which is your SO's lack of boundaries & organizational skills. This was his screwup, and his problem to solve.
I know. you are right, but I
I know. you are right, but I just do not want to deal with a big blow up about this. I'm a whimp but SO frustrated at the same time. Trying to cut back on "helping" in other ways. I don't know. You make a good point, but I just feel like it would have been a big fight and I'm emotionally exhausted but you are right. His problem to solve. ugh.
You've got the right idea.
You've got the right idea.
Second marriages are very different, and you have to have clarity on what your role is, and isn't. You each need to handle your own baggage and make sure that it doesn't impact the life you share.
As women, we have a tendency to want to step in and fix, manage, and organize. This is NOT your responsibility, and will only lead to frustration and resentment. Let your DH feel the consequences of his inaction. If that means going to the wedding alone because he's too dumb to find a babysitter, then go without him.