so I was on my best behavior this weekend, but I want very disengaged... is that bad?
So for the most part this weekend I stayed disengaged. But toward the end of the weekend I felt like I wanted to do something fun, mostly for myself, but I decided to include sd, not sure if it was a bad idea, but it ended well. So I'm not sure if what I did was wrong or not.
I'm really into health, and trying to eat natural. I still like to eat candy and bread and go out to eat. But I like to try to have as many natural and healthy and organic things as I can. So we have our garden. So I wanted to go and buy seeds from the farmers market so I took all the kids. They had so much fun trying to figure out what they wanted to plant. They all asked so many questions and learned so much about fruits and vegetables, and pesticides and GMO. It was really cool. we came home and planted our seeds and watered them and i told her that if they sprouted while she was gone is send her a picture.
So I don't know, I feel like this was good. I know this was totally not a moment of disengagment. I don't feel like this was bad, but I haven't been wrong before.
Everyone has different levels
Everyone has different levels of disengagement.
Disengaging from parenting your Skid doesn't mean that you have to disengage from being a friendly adult to the child.
She was respectful and behaved. That's a win. If she was the opposite than disengaging from even fun activities would be your next step.
Disengaging IMO does not mean
Disengaging IMO does not mean never speaking to , looking at or never partaking in any activity with SD whatsoever. It means different things for different people and it goes to a wide assortment of what goes and what doesn't. There is no 'right or wrong'.
You had a fun educational and relaxing afternoon with the kids in your household. Nothing wrong about that. That's really not like some of the examples you've talked about lately. The disciplining each others kids and/or trying to control each others parenting skills/ways along with always comparing one child to another. There is where your Dh and you run into troubles.
If all the girls and you can go and have a pleasant afternoon, no reason why you shouldn't do so. Now had you came this morning venting about how SD whined and wouldn't take turns with the gardening material, wouldn't listen to you and ran off picking out things you weren't looking for but there she is with it pouting you won't buy things for her? That's when you don't offer and/or try to include her again on the next outing. Had you came and said SD was nasty to everyone but Dad insisted you must take SD along anyway and try harder to 'bond' with her? I tell you nope. You're disengaged from that , let Dad SD himself for the afternoon and deal with her doing something else.
I could go on and on with this, but I'm just pointing out a couple mild examples. Disengaging does not always mean never having interaction with the skid.
i JUST Took my kiddos to the
i JUST Took my kiddos to the farmers market too! We also got seeds and planted them just like you. and I'm totally not eating bread or candy. I'm on month 5. But I think as long as its on your terms, its okay!
Thanks guys, most of the time
Thanks guys, most of the time sd is nice, and I like to step in and do nice things. I was having a great weekend, the weather was beautiful, I decided to treat the kids and myself.
The time I posted about how sd "snuck" money out, I genuinely asked her what she was "hiding" out of curiosity, not being demanding. I know it seemed that way in the post, I was getting defensive and angry. Also, after going back and reading I also realize it also seems as though it looks as if I knew what the money was intended for. I didn't even realize (until she spoke to dh) that there was a book fair.
That's not what this post was about, I was just comparing my two experiences of recent (not the two most recent, just two extremely different experiences). This weekend was definition the winner of the two. Hopefully this weekend brought us closer, and doesn't back for on me. I know her mother hates me. One thing she told her father in the car in another recent visit is that our family (mine specificly) is more closely related to the apes. I'm sure it was just a joke, but it really hurt because I've not said anything to her about her mother. I've come here and said things, I've said things to her father. But I've never said things to her. Her words were "my mommy told me on the way to school that sm is closely related to the apes"
Also you are a good person
Also you are a good person for not saying anything about her mother. Don't stoop to that level. You continue being a wonderful person in their lives and I do think it all works out in the end! They will know that you were kind and you were there and you never bad mouthed their mom.
I'm so glad for this post,
I'm so glad for this post, thank you for posting. I think i may have days like this too and I will feel confused too! My stepdaughter is 12 and we've always gotten along really well. I've been her stepmom for 5 years and I've been very involved and do all the 'mom' things. But I'm stepping back right now for many reasons. I'm not sure how to be around her without catering to her, i realize after stepping back and I've kind of been tiptoeing around her and trying to please her for years! So its nice to set that down but I also want to do things with her that I enjoy. I think you did a great job. It was something you like and you shared it with them and that's nice! I don't think it'll be confusing to them once they realize that you're a pleasant person to be around, friendly and fun when you want to do stuff but that you're not involved in discipline, parenting etc. Thats how I understand disengagement from reading this site anyway. Of course you were hurt when your stepdaughter said that about your family. Thats terrible. I feel bad for her too because she's just a kid repeating hateful things her mom said. My stepdaughter's mom doesn't like me either but so far the worst she's said is that '4ever thinks she's involved in everything but she's not she's stupid and it's all up to me, Mommy and Daddy."
Right? Many people get the
Right? Many people get the idea that we disengage because we hate or step children, and maybe that's their reason. There are many reasons for disengaging. I am disengaged to try to make my husband engage in his own parenting.
It did hurt when she said it, especially with the callousness in sd's voice. But that's why I think it was probably meant as a joke, but there really is no reason to make joke at people's expense. Sd didn't know it hurt my feelings, and I'm sure if she did she would have felt bad, but I don't want to give bm the satisfaction. Sd knows that she doesn't like when kids make jokes at her expense, so she really ought to know better, but this is her mom's thing, so I'm just staying out of it.
We read this with my
We read this with my stepdaughter it's helpful: http://www.amazon.com/Just-Kidding-Trudy-Ludwig/dp/1582461635