You got to be kidding me! WHO might this be of interest to?? Because almost every SM I know has tried all these child-centric things on this list and they have only gotten bitten in the ASS. No thanks.

Many times the kid is only a victim because his/her MOTHER is an oppressor. And without bitter BM's influence, the step-family would have very little problem blending.

soccerwife and tausha you both came up with a much better list.

I have a list for divorced or otherwise single parents:

1. Always remember your kids are children, not "partners" or "teammates." Children need an adult in charge.

2. Children need peer relationships. So do adults. Do not let your child step into the void left by your absent partner. It will certainly warp that child's development and make your re-coupling extremely difficult.

3. Your child can grow up resilient and ready for life's challenges. Or she/he can grow up weak and frightened of life. It's your choice. If you want the resilient child, let him/her grow, work, and achieve. If you want the weak child, protect them from every thing you can such as school teachers, other children, consequences of their own behavior, make sure they never do a chore, or have anything less than your full attention at all times. Congratulations, you'll get a weak baby child for the next 80 years.

Kind of hard to do this one:

1. In every decision you make, consider first what will be good for the children.

When their own mother refuses to.

:?

Nope. Think of the marriage first.

Kids are beneficiaries of a strong marriage/adult relationship at the core of a blended family but they do not come first. They are the primary responsibility of the adults in the blended family but they are not the priority and again, they do not come first. The marriage comes first.

As for victims .... :sick: Victims should not be tolerated in a blended family. Ever.

1. In every decision you make, consider first what will be good for the children.

Nope, consider first and only what is for the good of the marriage. The kids benefit from a strong adult relationship in any family situation whether it is an intact initial family or a blended family.

2. Don't force them to immediately like and get along with stepparents and stepsiblings. Ease them into it without making them aware.

Nope, they follow the established behavioral rules and standards in the home. They have no choice. Comply with the rules or suffer the consequences of non-conformity.

3. Stretch your patience far and wide.

Nope - Enforce the rules consistently for all kids in the blended family home regardless of the biology of the kids. Period.

4. Be a good example at all times. This means you and your spouse should never fight in front of the kids.

Okay, this one I can agree with. sort of. However, disagreements and resolving them as adults should happen when those disagreements occur and the kids should be exposed to how adults in an equity life partnership make a life together including how to treat each other with respect during disagreements.
5. Set rules in the house even before the marriage.

6. Allow the children to mingle with one another and get used to the setup before you move in together.

Good advice generally but ... the kids should not be catered to. They are introduced, they treat each other with appropriate behaviors, they respect and treat the adults in the relationship with appropriate respect and when the family is blended into a common family home they kids suck it up and participate or they are held accountable for violating the household behavioral rules and standards.

7. Always, always think of the children's overall health in all aspects.

Physical health and care for children is the primariy responsibility of any parent Step/Bio/Grand/Foster/ en loco/etc.... But, the health of the adult relationship and family as a whole is the priority.

Regarding #1.... if my DH and I had done that from the very beginning, we wouldn't have made it past the 1 month mark of dating, let alone get married. His kids (who were 9 at the time) made it VERY clear that they did NOT want their dad to remarry (although their mom had just remarried for the 2nd time since divorcing DH).

So, yeah.....