Gay relationship, step-parent issues, stress
Hi, I found this website in an act of desperation as I find it so hard to discuss me feelings without me coming across as a complete selfish b"""h (I am arare of my own selfishness btw). I'm a 28 year old lesbian, have been in a relationship with my partner for 5 years.
I moved in around 2 years ago and quickly found out that our relationship would be completely different - it became about the shopping, the chores, the how and whens etc..
This was ok, I could deal with it.
My relationship with her daughter (now 10) has been ok to good, but lately I am finding everything about her excrutiating. I feel trapped, stressed and depressed. The doctor has signed me off work with anxiety and depression and I feel like I just want to run away. I love my partner however, so this makes it so difficult.
Her daughter is 10 and has started challening me - it is not the worst, I would say it falls in the 'normal' realm, however, she does not treat me like a parent, rather an annoying older sister. This is my fault as we often play-fight and order dominoes with her Mom knowing. But - in the past year I have had a new challening job and I feel emotionally drained, I want to ask her to do something once and for her to be helpful and do it. I know this is unrealistic, but I feel like I have zero tolerance.
I have spoke to my partner about this, which was tough, but she suggested leaving the parenting to her - I'm not sure how realistic this is in our household for e.g I take her to the childminders in the morning and need to be on time so I have to tell her to hurry up etc.
I feel resentful and like a terribled person, but all I keep thinking is, if its this bad now, what's it going to be like when she's a teenager ...
I have thought about ending the relationship as I am worried about my mental health, but I also feel unable to throw away 5 years of a relationship becuase we have hit teething problems...
Your partner is the
Your partner is the unrealistic one. Start there. It is not sustainable for a child to live in a home with adults and one or more of the adults to have no authority. You've been together five years -- the child's mother needs to imbue you with authority and you need to act like you have authority just because you're an adult.
It may feel uncomfortable at first, but this is part of being an adult. Think of it this way. If the child got herself into danger because her mother wasn't looking and you didn't have the authority to say "no" because you are not supposed to "parent," cops wouldn't care you weren't the mom. You'd both be charged.
Are you considerably younger than your partner by any chance? It almost sounds like you think of her as the real adult so you can't really challenge her. My ss13 actually behaves better for me than for his parents most of the time because he knows I expect more from him. Aim for that.
Having said all that, kids are not adults and there's not many kids who always do what you ask the first time you ask.
You and your SO are either
You and your SO are either equity life partners which also means you are equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology or ... the relationship is not worth investing in further.
IMHO of course.
So, set the behavioral rules and requirements for the kid in your home, enforce the rules, if SO does not like how you parent and discipline then she can step up and get it done before you have to or she can shut up and discuss it off line when you are through addressing the situation.
Pretty simple.
If she refused to recognize you as equity life partner and equity parent then you are probably with the wrong partner.
Take care of yourself.
I agree with dtzybind, leave
I agree with dtzybind, leave the parenting to your partner. All of it. This includes transportation to day-care, school, and activities. If the child is at home, her mother is there too, not leaving any of the parenting to you. You should also talk about expectation of respect and house rules and how she is going to discipline if they are not met and come to an agreement.
Your partner is going to have to put on her big girl panties and stop leaving the parenting of her child to you.
all of us have felt the way
all of us have felt the way you do. do not feel bad at all. when our significant other has a child who is a brat and does not accept us, we feel bad.
the child is your partner's problem. do not underestimate the ability of a child to destroy your relationship with their parent regardless of how young they are.
you have made the mistake of being the girl's friend, no doubt in an effort to show her affection, and the girl is now taking advantage of you.
a child is a child, and never a friend to either parent.
speak frankly to your partner about your feelings sooner than later. and if the partner's tail goes between her legs in regards to her child you will know where you stand.
take care and best wishes.
Sorry, I am not going to
Sorry, I am not going to coddle you on this one. You are being entirely unrealistic about children. You picked a partner with a minor child and by now you have been in this girls life for 5 years. This child cannot remember a time without you. You are are part of her life and have been quasi parenting her along with her mom for that entire time. To quit parenting her now will be perceived as rejection on her part. Is that what you want to do to her? Children are wonderful observers but terrible interperters.
So, pull yourself up and start by getting some good books on parenting and what to expect from children at certain ages. I will bet they tell you that 10 year olds have to be told a zillion times to do something and it is your job to learn how to motivate them into action. There is no "zero tolerance" when it comes to asking a child to do a chore. While we are on the chore topic, by wrestling with her and acting like a pal, you lost all respect you might have had so for you it is 2 zillion times you need to ask. Respect can be regained but it will have to be earned, one day at a time.
After you read the books about kids and what to expect, ask your partner to go to family counseling. It can help you set some better boundaries with the child and approach her as a united team.
Good Luck