Mothers Day?! (And every other significant day!)
Hi All
I have a feeling this question is going to spark a huge debate or possibly a unified answer...who knows!
The bio mum of my skids has always been a handful, she gets very jealous of us buying a house and going on holiday. Things she basically cant afford to do, not because we don't give her money because we pay for everything equally, but because we work and she doesn't. As a result she just makes life difficult.
Anyway about two years ago I decided that I was sick of all the drama and fighting with her and my partner so decided to 'befriend' her in a way. She isn't a bad person as such, she just makes bad choices in life and blames everyone else which I think is really a defense mechanism.
So it is actually really good now, she really likes me (tells everyone how wonderful I am to her and the skids) and made me the kids emergency contacts at their school, invites me to all the events and has even asked me to come and help her pick dresses for her friends wedding! It actually isn't as weird as I thought it would be, just the trick of putting ones own green eyed monster on the back burner and accept that this is life with skids and she is nothing more than a fellow human being who deserves the same love and respect as anyone else. My partner LOVES this as well because he doesn't have to deal with her, no more fighting because I am, in a way, an outsider and can see when both or one of them are being unreasonable. I am a solid mediator between the two and it works much better for everyone.
But my partner and I disagree on one thing which is mothers days, birthdays and Christmas. Now that his ex is single, and very upset about it, she literally has no body to help the kids buy her pressies or whatever. To the point where she has just said that we can have the girls on her bday and mothers day because she doesn't celebrate it. I spoke to her friend who said that she just doesn't want the kids to feel that they have to get her something that they can't afford and she can't afford basically.
I said to my partner that I think we should not only take the girls shopping or help them make something for their mum but also we should get her a little something for xmas and her bday just as a token gesture almost. This woman is going to be forever in our lives, is it not better to have her on our side?! AND for the kids sake, happy mum = happy kids.
He said he doesn't mind me getting her something from us but he personally doesn't care either way.
I was curious to know everyone's views on this as I am a very soft person when it comes to other peoples lives. She may have done wrong in the past and potentially will in the future but she is upset, alone and human which should overrule anything else.
Am I crazy for wanting to treat this woman like I would my own friends and family?!
I know she would very much appreciate it. When she was going through a bad time last time I bought the girls a voucher for a nice restaurant to take her to dinner on mothers day and she cried. All these things I do make us closer and it also makes her easier to deal with because she talks to me about how she feels honestly which is better then her shouting at us for something!
To be honest I think I will do it regardless as it isn't from me, it is from the kids, but I am interested to see how others feel.
Being treated decently is
Being treated decently is earned by treating others decently. If she is earning it then I see no issue with taking the Skids to get something or do something for BMs Bday or MDay.
I just hope this does not come back to bite you in the ass as it far too often does when the toxic blended family opposition Z's back to their usual toxic character and behavior.
Trust but be cautious.
That is very good advice,
That is very good advice, thank you.
Weirdly she just text me asking if we want the kids full time because they seem happier when they are with us. She must be on a bit of a downer....my partner jumped at the chance but I told him to talk to her about it not just accept because if she is saying this out of sadness then when she feels better she will want them back...and me being a softie doesn't want to take advantage of her current mental state!
I've already helped SS7
I've already helped SS7 making gifts for BM and once even took him shopping to get her a lipstick for Chrtistmas, though she's not the most agreable person in the world. Nevertheless, I would not spend big money on her. First of all, Skid has his own money, which he got for Xmas and bdays; if he wants to get her something, he should be allowed to take money from his savings, as I find it a good way to learn the value of money. If he didn't have it, I think that helping him crafting a nice box and putting inside a cute soap or coffee mug is more than enough. BM gets a gift but no big money is spent; everyone is happy.
Good points Sally but I think
Good points Sally but I think you misunderstand slightly, I don't normally do anything for BM apart from be friendly with her. We stand our ground all the time on things like money and so on.
For example she wants us to pay for their uniform but we give her money each month which is what it is for as far as I am concerned.
I am soft hearted and she probably does know that but I think I would rather go through life knowing I have done right by others, deservedly or not, because I cannot control her behavior but I can be a good person myself. and Ultimately it is for the kids, they are only 5 and 7 and no one else is going to help them make things or do things.
But I will heed your advice as well, I will remain wary
I stopped my partner buying
I stopped my partner buying his ex wife Mothers day, Christmas and Birthday gifts, as every year I either sort his presents out or his parents do. So I see no difference between her "partner" or parents doing presents for her.It is hard enough work to get the BM to agree to see her boys on Mothers day, as Sunday is her day! But if you are friends with her, and she makes the effort then I see no problem...However I am sadly kind of with Sally. I just hope she isn't using your good nature.
Hi Echo!! Long time, no see!
Hi Echo!! Long time, no see!
Get well soon, Echo and
Get well soon, Echo and welcome back!
Thank you Echo, that is
Thank you Echo, that is really kind of you to say!
I will remember those words on days where I feel a little undervalued! x
I'm actually with
I'm actually with Sally.
Don't let her take advantage of your good nature.
I've never been a huge proponent of days like that. She probably counts her worth by how many Valentine's Cards she gets...
Thanks for all the advice! I
Thanks for all the advice!
I was wary that she was taking advantage but she has never actually told me directly that she has money issues or anything like that, it is more from what I see and speaking to people that know her personally.
But I will still be wary as my motto of 'hope for the best but plan for the worst!' definitely applies.
I think, as Echo said, as long as this benefits me and the kids then it is worth it. I will ask the kids if they want to make something for her, which I am sure they will say yes, and we can do that! As for me I will get her a card or something as oppose to a gift.
Thank you all!!
I kind of want to send you to
I kind of want to send you to have your head examined. BUT I'll leave that alone...
as for your question, I think it would be OK to take the kids to pick out a little gift, maybe help them make a cake to bring over for her birthday. But I would NOT be buying her anything from you or your DH.
I don't think you came to the
I don't think you came to the right place to ask for advice. Most people here can't imagine being in your position and they will respond from their own position, like Sally did. As others have suggested, though, it would be nice to do something for her. Do you have one of those pottery painting places near? Where the girls can go with their mom and paint together? There is nothing wrong with being human and treating others as you would want to be treated. Only you know your situation and you will make way better decisions than any of us can for you!
I can see both sides of
I can see both sides of this.
exH and I will go out for Christmas only and let the kids spend $10 on the other parent for Christmas so BS will buy exH a Christmas gift and BD will do the same. They like it and even though it's never a big gift it's nice that they can feel included and they don't have to go with their step mom or their step dad to get gifts for their bio parents. DH would take them shopping for me in a heart beat this past year he actually did but it's something my kids enjoy being able to bring a gift to their dads for him.
However on the flip side BM2 is freaking crazy and will get DH gifts, my kids gifts,and me gifts for holidays it's passive aggressive and she throws it in her face. She will get angry "I bought you a $20.00 hat for Father's Day and you won't even do this for me?!" We've told her to stop she has specifically said she will not so next time it happens he is going to hand the items back to her. She thinks we should bow down a kiss her feet but all she's doing is being manipulative.
If you are a kind person and you have a good relationship with BM I don't see an issue with this. There is nothing wrong with everyone getting along and personally I think it'd good for the kids. exH and I get along better now that we are divorced than we did when we were married and my kids see that and they feel supported on all sides whereas DH and BM2 cannot even communicate w/o OFW and SD sees that and it tears her apart.
Do what is best for your family.
Idk, I'd need more info. Why
Idk, I'd need more info. Why isn't she working? I dont' have sympathy for the willfully unemployed.
Right well for us BM is
Right well for us BM is pretty much no drama, BM is also single. BM sent SD to us with a birthday card for her dad so we did the same. For BMs birthday we sent SD back with a card SD had written. My SD is 4.
Whilst its great that you are able to be civil and friendly, you dont want to go blurring lines. You are the step mother, you are the BMs exs new partner. It is perfectly ok for you two to be friendly and polite, but you do not want to get too close. You do not want to be BMs shoulder to cry on, you do not want to be her support link. And you certainly do not need to be taking responsibility for the womans mental state and happiness.
Depending on the age of the SKIDs Id be advising just get them to make/write a card for her. There is absolutely no reason for you sending her vouchers to go out for a meal. BM is the BM, shes not your family. If you really want to go giving a gift alongside a card then take the skids to the shops and tell them to pick something for her (stick a price limit on it of about $20 and call it quits)
Dont go giving BM presents/cards from you and your partner, thats just creepy.
I believe that being civil
I believe that being civil and showing decency should be the default position. That gets reconsidered based on the behaviours of others.
I agree with Sally that assisting the kids to make something themselves is a a great idea rather than store bought. Don't see the need for a gift from your husband and yourself. Blurring boundaries can backfire in a way. Remember it is civility for the children's sake and to keep the peace, not to create an independent relationship or friendship with BM.
I tried to play hero too once
I tried to play hero too once upon a time but then it back fired. But hey, if it's making you feel good about yourself for the time being then let it roll but I'm telling you from my own personal experience to keep boundaries. You helping her pick out a dress and pretending to be her friend isn't good boundary practice. What she is doing is studying your every thought and movement. Don't be surprised if you do t find yourself a clone. Helping the kids get her a gift is a great idea for their benefit and making them feel good. Sooner or later you're gonna feel drained from all this mediation and everyone is going to make you to be the bad one when you crash.
Thanks all, I don't want to
Thanks all, I don't want to be friends with her by any means...she really isn't my sort of person!! And I did find it a bit odd that she asked for my help with the dress which is something I would not usually do but she had asked me in front of the girls and I couldn't say no as I don't want the kids thinking we don't get on.
But I do agree with you all I don't want to get her anything from us particularly but I want to make sure the kids enjoy that feeling of doing something nice for their mum. I decided to help them make a card each, some cakes and a little picture or something.
I don't, in any way, shape or form, want to be friends with the woman or her go to person. All I want is happy children and an easy life with my partner which, unfortunately, I can only get if someone is a mediator between my partner and his ex. Quite funny really when I am soft hearted and all but the reality is I am doing this for myself and the kids!
The children you are raising
The children you are raising need to learn gift-giving not just gift-receiving so facilitating them getting her cards and little gifts on appropriate days is very good. Always try to have the kids put in effort of their own, upping the ante on their own responsibility as they age. When they get around 10-12 they should start wanting to do it all on their own. If bm is accustomed to having a dinner-for-3 gift card, no 10 year old can compete with that on her own. But if same 10 year old thinks of a good mom gift as a small potted plant or little knick-knack she can get all excited about saving up and paying for one all on her own and make it a little bigger than usual. The joy of giving will really get a good start in her.
No gifts from you and dh. That's having your husband give gifts to his ex-girlfriend. Hell to the no. Also confusing to children. One thing I've learned for damn sure about step-life is that skids need to never be confused about there being 2 separate households. You and your dh owe that lady nothing but good care of her kids and whatever court-ordered support. Skids can easily get the idea you "owe" bm dinners out, snow tires, college tuition because you always did it in the past. Then when you want to stop there's nothing but rage and resentment all around.
When my Skid's mom was
When my Skid's mom was single, we bought her a present from him and we always had him make her something. Now that she has a partner living with her, long-term, we just encourage my SS to make a craft project to give to her for the occasion. If we bake things (for Christmas, for example), we send half of the baked goods he helps with to her house.
In our situation, her household is the wealthier household, but we think showing kindness to my SS's mom sets a good example to our kids about how to treat other people. I would hope that if DH and I separated and I was single, he would encourage my kids to think of me during the holidays, especially because they can be very emotionally difficult times of year.