SD13 and the School Guidance Counselor

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DH finally made an appt with the GC at SD13's school. GC had emailed prior to Christmas break, saying that she wanted both of us to come in for a chat. Remember, SD13 declared she wanted to be a boy and changed OVERNIGHT from dollies and pink and My Little Pony, to wanting to be a tough teen boy. She is in 8th grade and barely weighs 100lbs soaking wet. So, tonight DH told SD13 that we were going to meet with GC on Friday. I asked her what was up and to let us know what we were getting into. She was smiling and seemed carefree, but also a little sneaky at the same time. In other words, she didn't seem nervous at all. It was more like she was looking forward to something.

SD13 has lost the handful of close friends she had at school from years gone by. No one saw this change coming. I almost feel like she's beating herself up by trying to identify as being a boy. She was always a girly girl growing up, and has recited verbatim all of the "right" lines from the internet, about wanting to be the T or the Q in LGBTQ. She is very gender neutral right now and has no interest romantically in either sex. She is 13-1/2, in the 8th grade and other than cutting her hair like a boy and wearing hightop boy shoes, she is a typical cheesy teen. Or is she?

I wonder what to expect from the GC on Friday? DH and I are waiting for the other shoe to fall while we wait on the fence with regards to SD13's identity. Yes, I'm sure she is still sorting things out, and even she probably doesn't know what she wants to do. She is a space cadet at home, lives on the internet and has 2.8MILLION views on her Google+ website. She is still very juvenile and innocent, but knows that DH will always be there for her. I just don't want her to go down the same road as OSD19 and not be able to do anything for herself in a few years. I told her not to always ask DH for everything, because then she'll never learn to fly on her own. And will never leave my nest!

DH is very gentle where SD13 is concerned and I am more realistic. I still believe that SD13 needs counseling to deal with BM's death from 2 years ago. I fear it has been pushed down. Way down. One therapist said last fall that she "has dealt with the loss of her mother." This was when SD13 first declared she wanted to be a boy, and went to three therapy sessions. BM had been gone a year and a half and SD had never even cried over her. I find that strange, esp since SD13 and her BM had a close, loving relationship. Is that even normal? Not crying like that? I want so badly for her to get therapy because I fear this will all rear it's ugly head sooner or later.

SD13 used to be the funny kid at school, and got invited to lots of birthday parties. Now, she is quiet, withdrawn, still sweet, but thinks she wants to be a boy. Her becoming introverted and withdrawn from any friends at all is what scares me. She still goes to Girl Scouts with the same troop she's been with for 9 years, and DH and I don't question it. SD13 has also made a list of things she wants to do in the next year, including bungee jumping and going to ComicCon in San Diego, I think it is., along with 20 other things. She also wants to study abroad in.......JAPAN, but says that has nothing to do with her love for anime.

I saw her list and wrote "homework" up top when she wasn't looking. She giggled upon reading it, and I asked her how she was going to get all of these things done in the next year? She said she would get a job. She is very imaginative, so much so that sometimes I swear she drank the KoolAid. A lot of that is her still being a true kid, while she is trying to portray being a tough male adult at the young age of 13. She is clueless, and I remind her to study the steps of getting to where she wants to be. She said study abroad in Japan, and I asked her how she thought she said she was going to get there? She said with money and on a plane. LOL I explained that she would have to start doing her homework, study Math English and Science, try harder than the other kids and take challenging courses in HS.

I explained to her what it took to get into college. She said she would just fill out an application. I told her it took more than just that. PSATs, SATs, classes that made you stand out among all of the other students applying to the same college. And no more do-overs on HS tests. Get it right the first time, or at least try as hard as you can. Study.

I'm probably going to scare the shit out of DH and GC on Friday. I really don't know what this is all about. I think the GC wants to help enable SD13 with her identity, possibly, which DH and I don't think is right. It needs to happen on it's own. We will support her, but not encourage her.

Thanks for the vent, mind is wandering as to why we are being called in, because SD13 isn't a troublemaker. She is a quiet loner at school.

~ Moon

Moon, The overnight switch

Moon, The overnight switch would have anyone concerned and sounds like it may be the reason for the GC request for a meeting. I too, am concerned over the SD not crying over her Mom's death. Please, share the GC meeting on Friday.

She made her big declaration

She made her big declaration last August, the very day before school started. I told DH he was to call the school the next morning to give the GC a heads up. I also told him to call the therapist that SD19 had seen a few times, just so we could start somewhere with SD13. This therapist is new in her field, only a few years out of school, and the age made it comfortable for both SDs to speak with her. The therapist said that SD13 was still "very much a girl." No one told SD13 that, we kept it to ourselves.

I almost feel like this is a classic case of a kid not having boundaries and being able to do whatever they want. To DH and I it is almost blatantly obvious that she is a girl and is just struggling. I think it's because she hasn't dealt with BM's death, and sueu2, you make a good point. It's easier being someone else. But then isn't this a case of running from one's own problems? She is creating even bigger ones that she can't comprehend yet.

We are hoping she grows out of this as she matures. She acts like a 7yo but thinks she is tough and mature. It creeps me out that she is so quiet at school now, like a bomb waiting to go off. Both SD13 and SD19 have had problems with anger before. No respect for adults in the home and they just throw tantrums. This doesn't happen all of the time, and happens more with SD19 than SD13. But out in public, they are seen as somewhat shy, sweet and withdrawn. Oh hell no! I have tried disengaging with both for the most part, but not fully, if there is crap going on in my house. Ugh, what to do?

~ Moon

Exactly! I kept telling DH

Exactly! I kept telling DH last August that SD13 wasn't mature enough to know what she was declaring. She has regressed and isn't even 13. Acts about 6 or 7 at home.

I agree she is likely

I agree she is likely escaping, but nonetheless she needs counseling.

Kids are so fickle. My dd12 is into girly stuff and LOVES fashion. When she found out that a boy who likes her likes another girl more, she started dressing differently (more athletic) because that is how the other girl dresses. They all play soccer, and my daughter is WAY more into dance than soccer. But she is acting like she's more into soccer to fit in with these other kids. Who knows why kids do things sometimes? They are weird LOL

BM died 2 years ago and SD19

BM died 2 years ago and SD19 and SD13 were with us FT immediately. SD19 was graduating HS and was an emotional wreck. I kept encouraging DH to send her to counseling. I found a counselor after hours of scouring the internet and our health plan, because DH certainly wasn't going to do it, or know where to look. Turns out SD19 is still very fragile when the subject of her BM comes up, and the focal point of her therapy was body image and an eating disorder. From an athlete since age 4. Spare me, SD19. She is a drama queen, and ODD.

SD13 the boy, went to counseling last August to speak about her identity. The therapist's words were "She is over the loss of her mother." I don't agree. So, grief was touched upon, and SD13 said she understood her BM wasn't coming back. It just doesn't sit right with me, and SD13 was LOVING the attention she was getting with regards to her new identity. IMO there was nowhere near enough therapy for either of these girls regarding BM's death.

Maybe Friday will be a turning point for DH. Maybe the GC will suggest therapy. Maybe I can bring up BM's death in the conversation. It's DH with his blinders on again. As long as the Skids appear happy on the surface and are functioning, then all must be well in Disneyland. I just don't know if it's my place or if I even have the energy to suggest therapy for the SDs again. I try to stay disengaged, but DH clearly needs help on some things. SD19 is a holy terror and SD13 is quiet and creepy, and no one at school talks to her outside of school.

At least DH listened to me about no hedgehog with SD19, so he's coming around.

~ Moon

You touched upon what was my

You touched upon what was my immediate reaction upon reading this blog. I think it is about the attention she can get.

I do think that she does need grief therapy. There's no way a child should be able to take a parent passing away with no grief shown. Hell, most ADULTS wouldn't be able to deal with a parent's passing without shedding a tear or 20.

I don't know if it would be

I don't know if it would be helpful to her, but there is an amazing book called A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness. My son had to read in middle school.

The book is about a boy whose mother is dying of cancer. The book follows the the boy as he has to go live with his grandmother (that he doesn't get along with). His estranged father comes to visit from CA but refuses to take him in. A monster visits the boy each night at just after midnight and tells him creepy fairy tales. The boy does a lot of acting out (getting into . As he struggles with his grief he gets further and further isolated from his friends.

In the end, the monster makes the boy tell the monster the truth that he does not want to face -- and the truth is that his mother is dying and there is nothing he can do. The book is beautiful and heartbreaking and may be a way to open up a conversation about dealing with a mother's death and acting out and pulling away from friends. One of the most powerful books I have read in years.

“You do not write your life with words...You write it with actions. What you think is not important. It is only important what you do.”
“Your mind will believe comforting lies while also knowing the painful truths that make those lies necessary. And your mind will punish you for believing both.”

Thank you! I'm going to look

Thank you! I'm going to look into this.

ETA: Just listened to an audio snippet on Amazon. I'm going to ask GC if she's ever heard of it, try to bring it into the conversation.

Again, thank you!

~ Moon

If you get it for her, get

If you get it for her, get the book -- the illustrations are absolutely amazing. While it is not a graphic novel, the atmospheric illustrations definitely add to the book.

I agree with all of your

I agree with all of your posts, MisStep, Useless and BeGone. I have seen this entire charade (since school started) as a coping mechanism. But why did it come up 18 months after BM died? Why didn't SD13 start "acting out" sooner? And why did she willingly do this and continue to do this (identify as a boy) when all of her friends dropped her like hot potatoes the first week of school? Why would she DO that to herself? She could just grow her hair back and be a girl again. All teens dress the same, so its really the hair that was a shocker to the friends. That and trying to use a boy name at school. SD13 had long hair past the middle of her back, and now it's cut like she's one of the Beatles.

I spoke to DH today and asked him again what he thought tomorrow would bring with GC? He said it might just be academics-related, getting ready for HS next fall. I told DH, with hesitation, that I thought the SDs still needed counseling to help deal with the loss of BM. He said that their therapist said they were ok, they had moved on and had dealt with it. I reminded him how they both have tempers, and if we don't keep it smooth sailing, they will go off at the drop of a hat. I told DH I felt this was due to emotions being pushed down. SD19 has tried to deal with it and it has been tough on her, but she grieved, and probably still is, and could use help. I told DH that SD13 being quiet and withdrawn creeps me out. Those are the kids who go nuts LATER. I told him I feared that in 5 to 10 years, the demons would rear their ugly heads.

DH listened to me, but he still didn't want to hear it. He thinks they are FINE. So, I guess I shouldn't care as much? Put SD19 in a padded room by the time she is 30, or sooner? SD13 will blow up a school or something. Something to have an outlet for all of that pain. These skids are good skids for the most part, but at the same time they are a couple of naive children who could use some help. I am torn as to if I should push help on them or not. I guess I should save my energy. They won't live at home forever.

~ Moon

Did I just answer my own

Did I just answer my own question? I have been thinking the obvious for two years but never mentioned it.

SD13 hit puberty last summer, a late bloomer, she is a petite one. BM died of breast cancer. She survived it the first time, but it came back 5 years later. SD13 always seemed interested in getting her first bra, but had to wait until she started growing. So when it was time for her to wear a bra and she had developed bee stings, BM had been gone for over a year. SD13 had been hiding her chest last summer and then decided to be a boy when school started.

Am I crazy to think there is a correlation here? I think "I" need therapy now!

~ Moon

Yep. I agree with this. I

Yep. I agree with this. I think she's scared of growing up - growing the breasts that killed her mother. Scared of her emotions.

I think she desperately needs help and the "boy" thing is her crying out for it - with a healthy dose of "boys don't have breasts therefore I will be that"

Try and raise it again (probably too late now) with your husband before the counselling but I would def. be saying something in there. And I would be all over it until something is done to get the poor kid some REAL help.

(BTW - my grandmother - my mum's mum died of breast cancer when my mum was 13. She was sick for 5 years before hand. This was the 50's and so my grandad remarried 3 months after her death (in all likelihood he had be seeing the woman in secret before his wife died) The kids were not given the chance to grieve, get help etc. And my mother is now 70 this year and she STILL has issues about it.)

~Moon, "We will support her,

~Moon,

"We will support her, but not encourage her." That is absolutely brilliant and a very good parenting perspective. IMHO of course.

Take care of yourself through all of this idiot Skid drama.

Saw the GC today. Can't go

Saw the GC today. Can't go into detail for long, but basically everyone has had the KoolAid. Turns out SD13 was invited to the meeting with us and GC, but chose not to attend. Hmmmmm. GC said she was her advocate, also SD13 got bullied verbally in the bathroom a few weeks back, and the naughty teens were reprimanded. DH said he had knowledge of this and I asked when was he was going to tell me??

SD13 wants to use a boy name and be referred to as "he." I shook my head "no" (not that MY voice of reason counts for shit....) and DH said let's wait until HS in the fall. SD13 tried to pull this crap days after she claimed she wanted to be a boy, and DH said NO then, as well. We'll see next school year. SD13 is going to be using the private bathroom in the health room at school now, which GC had encouraged her to do. GC also said SD13 said she isn't ready for the boys' locker room. Well, DUH. DH and I looked at each other and said,"Hell no." We let GC know that we have been trying to tell SD13 that going forth in the real world with this new identity can be very tough. People will pick on you, may even beat you up.

I brought up to GC that the therapist said SD13 was done grieving for her mother and was still very much a girl. I shared with GC that I found it odd that she never cried over BM and that she never showed emotion very often. DH kept saying SD13 was "ok" and I looked GC square in the eyes. She kindly said, "Well these feelings may not surface until later." I told her that's what I was worried about. I also mentioned the symbolism btwn BM dying of breast cancer and SD13 wanting to be a boy "without" breasts. It's her security blanket. DH said that SD13 went through her BM having cancer the first time. I shut him down gently and reminded him that SD13 was 2 and 3 years old the first time BM had cancer. She doesn't remember! DH said that SD13 has accepted BM's death because BM wasn't in her life for very long as a healthy person?!?!? I said, "OK, so from age 5 to 8, BM was healthy in SD13's life, and since she was sick from the time SD was 10 until she died when SD was 11, then SD13 is alright with it? She can just move on?" Yeah, I said it. Crickets from GC and DH.

So, SD13 was all happy the other night because she knew the subject of her boy name would be brought up. Sorry, pumpkin, it ain't happening right now.

Everyone, bring your own cup and have some of the KoolAid they're passing around. This is fucking nuts. I think I give up. Let them do what they want already. Not my monkey, not my circus already. For the love of God........

~ Moon

O.M.G I came back to get your

O.M.G

I came back to get your update.....sheesh.....I think you are right on target with your theory Bark.....they must pump that damn Koolaid into the school or something....

I can't really say much. I

I can't really say much. I mean, HHB is supposedly bisexual? Lesbian? I don't know...I just know she has been all into guys in the past, except when it comes to emo friend. I suspected there was something going on with them back in September, then there were a couple of boyfriends, and now HHB and emo are supposedly girlfriends. I don't know if HHB is really struggling with her sexuality, or if she is just using people...because she has such a history of using people to get what she wants. For all I know, she is one of those people who will trade sexual favors for what she wants with anyone.

So, your DH (and in this

So, your DH (and in this case that "D" is definitely not standing for Dear sorry)

would prefer to deal with his daughter being transgender and possibly wanting a sex change than have to deal with her issues over her mother dying? THAT is the easier option?

WTF.

But seriously, IF it ever gets further and she wants to seriously change gender, as others have said there is a lot of counselling involved by "real" professionals who know about this stuff (as opposed to your trying too hard GC) Hopefully once she gets on that path the truth will come out, I just wonder at the damage caused before it gets to that.

Sure it's easier for him.

Sure it's easier for him. Because with the transgender thing he gets to prove how all supporting and loving and fully unconditional he is in his adoration of his child. That feels good to him. Doesn't take any thought, much less work.

But talking to his 13 year old daughter about her developing breasts will be torture to him. As it is to the girl. Best to deflect onto something safe, like just don't be a girl (for the kid) and just say "ok" (if you're the dad).

I do agree the most likely smoking gun in the change of the girl's behavior/identity is the breast-cancer-death + suddenly-developing-breasts.

Thanks everyone for your

Thanks everyone for your insight and your PMs to me! Haven't had any privacy to type much this weekend!

~Moon

Don't forget to take care of

Don't forget to take care of yourself through all of this. Take DH out for a dinner and an drink too. He probably needs to decompress a bit himself.

We went to see a concert last

We went to see a concert last Friday and he has been very loving towards me lately. I have spoken up more and he is seeing the light a little. We can't just change SD13, time will tell what her true identity is (although YOU know MY opinion), but as far as teaching him to parent and set boundaries for both SDs, I think it's starting to work some!

~ Moon

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SD13 and the School Guidance Counselor