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Big blowout

oopsididitagain's picture

Submitted by oopsididitagain on Sat, 01/17/2015 - 12:52am

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Blended Family Issues

Hi. Its me, SO, my bio, his bio, and our bio. During the holidays, my bs and sd had a physical fight for the first time. They're the same age and generally get along well.No one was hurt. Anyway, SO took his bio's side and told me if the fighting ever got physical again, he and I were through! I broke up with him right there, but later he apologized. I'm having a problem forgiving that he threatened me with breaking up. I insisted we start counseling, but I don't know if I can move past this. I have alot of resentment from other times when I feel he's taken his bio's side blindly and put her above the whole family. (Fyi,she is a total "mini-wife", for lack of a better word.) Remember we have a baby too. Anyway, what do you think?

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 01/17/2015 - 5:44am

What do I think? ..... I think that your DH needs absolute clarity that if he ever again pulls that childish bullshit of threatening to leave if the kids ever again have a conflict that he and his prior relationship spawn are out of your home immediately and you will own his ass for a huge pile of CS and anything else you can scalp him for until your co-spawn is through with their Doctorate degree.

Then tell him if he so much as responds with anything but "Yes Ma'am" that he needs to pack his shit immediately and GTFO.

IMHO of course.

I have zero tolerance for the threats and childish bullshit from a so called adult.

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Sat, 01/17/2015 - 5:53am

I can't agree with you Rags. Without extra information about the ages of the kids - especially the ones involved in the physical fight - HER SON and his daughter - my ex-SO's son threatened to punch my dd - he's a big kid - head and shoulders bigger than my dd. And just the threat of violence towards my dd was enough for me to issue a threat of leaving him if he didn't sort his bully son out.

So I do get it from a protect my kid POV - that's why we need more info - it's not as cut and dried as "we are committed to each other and threats to leave are a no-no!" When your kid is threatened with violence it's a whole different ball game.

oopsididitagain's picture

Submitted by oopsididitagain on Sat, 01/17/2015 - 7:26am

They argued. His girl started yelling and hit him in the chest and face with a pillow. She is taller and heavier, but he is probably stronger. My son tackled her and was hitting her with pillows when we stopped it. This was the first time it got physical. But she woke up the next day and told daddy her whole body was sore and he flipped.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 01/17/2015 - 7:41am

So, the OP said the eldest two (his and hers) are the same age. Now we know the ages of the children are 7 his, 7 hers, 1 theirs.

As I said ......

This is not a man. This is procreating child who needs to GTFO.

oopsididitagain's picture

Submitted by oopsididitagain on Sat, 01/17/2015 - 7:41am

Btw, I disciplined my son for his actions, but my SO felt no punishment was in order for her. Even though she started it, my SO's feeling is that a boy should never hit a girl, no matter the provocation, so she wasn't scolded at all. I agree partially. I think she tends to instigate and then hide behind the fact she is a girl. My son finally lost his temper this time.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 01/17/2015 - 7:48am

When the kids are young and the girls are usually bigger and more mature than the boys then a bully, male or female, needs to be taught a lesson by the other child.

When they are in their teens the men should never hit a woman thing should come into play ..... unless the female is no lady and is a toxic bully. In that case the victim should bust the bully in the face regardless of the bully's gender.

In this case not only is the 7yo little girl a bully, so is her father. He may not be a physical bully but the threats to end the relationship over the 7yo little boy bringing down consequences on his 7yo little girl bully spawn just labels him as the source of the problem.

IMHO of course.

oopsididitagain's picture

Submitted by oopsididitagain on Sat, 01/17/2015 - 12:20pm

Raindancer, I took my son's tablet away. Sd got no punishment. He took her to the movies.

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sat, 01/17/2015 - 9:37am

There has to be more going on here. The stepdad may be fed up with his stepkid's behavior and the fight was the final straw for him.

I don't think threatening to leave is a bad thing. When you're inna relationship, you partner needs to understand that there are things you will not put up with. We all have deal breakers. For this guy having his kid live in a home with someone he doesn't get along with, may be a deal breaker.

oopsididitagain's picture

Submitted by oopsididitagain on Sat, 01/17/2015 - 12:18pm

Hi Disneyfan. Nope, nothing else going on. The kids never hit each other before that day. And we have sd eowe, so its not like they are in contact all the time.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 01/17/2015 - 9:28am

Why punish the victim of the initial aggression for defending themselves?

In my experience the only way to teach a bully not to pick on you is to destroy the bully by teaching them the lesson that if you hit me and you will instantly suffer the same and worse.

If the parents get involved in this it should be to punish the initial aggressor and reward the victim for standing up to the bully.

I agree that males should not hit females ... generally. Except in the cases where the girl's parent(s) failed to teach them to behave as a young lady rather than a thug. Being assertive is one thing but initiating violence even against a boy is not behavior that protects a girl from suffering the consequences of the victim defending themselves.

I have never struck a woman in my life. Nor did I ever strike a girl when I was a kid. I never had to. The parents of the girls and women I have interfaced with in my life taught them to be ladies rather than bratty estrogen loaded thugs. Wait, I did spank my BFF's bratty shit of a little girl kid once. That straightened her right out let me tell ya. No more running amok through the restaurant while we were at dinner. Now when she sees me she sits still and engages with the others in the party pleasantly instead of ruining the meal for everyone in the restaurant.

IMHO of course.

ctnmom's picture

Submitted by ctnmom on Sat, 01/17/2015 - 12:43pm

Exactly, you DON'T threaten to break up a marriage over this- isn't that a red flag to you? And your son didn't start it and HE got his device taken away? Your post hardly bores me- it alarms me. Don't throw your kids under the bus for a man. But now you've made a baby with him so there's a whole other set of issues going on. Usually in these situations? The bio kids that are ALREADY created by the mom lose big time. Here is my constructive addition to your post.

jumanji's picture

Submitted by jumanji on Sat, 01/17/2015 - 8:13pm

I would have made them write an essay - together - about better ways to resolve conflicts. Extra cedit for suggesting serious consequences if it happens again.