Question re. full custody
Forums:
My FDH told me the other night that SD11 said she doesn't like being with her mom, so he told her she could live with us if she wants to. He currently has 50/50.
I kind of felt like maybe he should have asked how I would feel about that before saying it to her. But really, how could I say no?
She's his child, and do I really have the right to tell him if I didn't want her living with us full-time?
When we moved in together I never even thought it would be a possibility because he fought tooth and nail just for 50/50.
Thanks echo, that's pretty
Thanks echo, that's pretty much how I feel. It just seems like I could come across as him needing my 'permission' if I would say anything to him about the fact that he didn't talk to me first.
I am sure there is a
I am sure there is a respectful way for you to tell him that you would have preferred a heads up, or a discussion with regards to this, with at the same time telling him that of course you have no problem with this. I am sure in the moment when he was talking to his daughter he trusted that you wouldn't have an issue with it, because you are his wife and you sound very level headed. And, he likely wanted to make sure his daughter knew immediately that she is welcome there. Poor girl, it's not terribly often a girl doesn't want to be with her mom, at least part time, in those forming years.
While the way he went about
While the way he went about it is disrespectful to you and your marriage, there's a bigger issue. He basically told SD something that isn't true. She can't just live with you two if she wants. Her mother would have to agree, which if he had to fight tooth and nail for 50/50 seems unlikely or a judge would have to order it and I think that's extremely unlikely if there isn't a serious case of abuse/neglect going on with mom. Most states I know of, the judge won't even be interested in the child's desire if they're under 14, though some places are more like 12. My experience is that there are two big outcomes with courts depending on where you are - either the judges are sane and see the huge value of Both parents being involved in the child's life and thus 50/50 or they're pro-BM and the dad gets shafted.
I would have a problem with DH telling anyone they could just live full time with us and it wouldn't be about permission. It would be about finances, division of labor, expectations and responsibilities. I would be very resentful if a younger kid came into my house and their parent expected me to pull a large portion of the parenting weight when they hadn't even discussed the situation with me. I think I would approach this with DH as "how do you see this working?" Both in the legal CO aspect and with daily life at your home. He might be much less eager to say sure come on over if he knows he needs to deal with school, meals, laundry, chores etc more himself and less with you doing it.
Thanks for your input. I
Thanks for your input.
I think he believes that if he takes BM back to court when SD is twelve, and she tells the judge that she doesn't want to live with mom, that he'll get full custody.
I'm not sure it would be that simple either.
I'm not worried about the parenting aspect of things, he does all of that.
I agree he should have talked
I agree he should have talked to you and got your perspective on the situation first.
At 11, he shouldn't of told
At 11, he shouldn't of told her that. It isn't up to her at that age. It's not even up to him. It would most likely be up to a judge. He may want her to live with him but saying this just causes problems all around. I would have a problem with this if I was the BM or the SM.
I agree, he was out of line
I agree, he was out of line telling her she could live with you two. Last I checked, the only state that even remotely listens to an older child is TN. There is no "magic age" where they get to choose where they live. As you can imagine, this is because children often want to live with the permissive parent when they are teens, and the court doesn't think that's a good idea. My bf's ex has documented borderline personality disorder and it's wreaking havoc on their 14 year old, but the judge still changed nothing from 50/50.
I knew DH had kids when I
I knew DH had kids when I married him. However I married him, not his kids. I also didn't realize what monsters they were. No, I would not be ok with his daughter moving into our house. That would be like me moving my mother in with out him being ok with it. He wouldn't, because they don't like each other. Well, his daughter and I don't like each other.
This needs to be discussed
This needs to be discussed NOW pre-marriage, where you air all of your honest feelings about every potential scenario with his kid... you have a right to say "no" to this since you're not married. Truthfully, I would call the wedding off if he thinks that he can make unilateral decisions about your living arrangements without your blessing. AND he's an idiot for just assuming you would be okay with whatever his child WANTS. Stupid. At least half of all young girls don't like being with their mom at that age. So what?
And he DOES need your permission to allow another person to move in with you. Call it permission, approval, blessing, whatever... your needs, as the other adult in this equation, come before his child's wants.
I feel that my FDH was pretty
I feel that my FDH was pretty "satisfied" when SD14 told him two years ago she wanted to live with him. Almost like a revenge thing against BM (subconscious probably) but BM put him through hell so it was like aaha! when the kids said she wanted to live with us. But he explained to her that the courts don't allow that and I advised him (strongly LOL) that all teenagers rebel at some point, particularly daughters and Moms. However, its not good that he told her yes without checking with you FIRST. Particularly as it shows disrespect of you, in front of SD11. He didnt show you guys as a united front in front of this child and has set the stage for future "choosing kid over wife" type of scenarios.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your thoughts.
The consensus seems to be that it wouldn't be out of line for me to tell him that I wish he would've discussed it with me first.
Uh oh, here we go...he just came over to kid about me writing to my 'boyfriend' because I closed the computer when he got near. He said, come on, lemme see. So I showed him. Now I think he's upset that I'm writing about our business on the internet!! Well, we'll see what happens.