Stressed Stepdad - looking for advice
Hello Everyone -
My wife and I share custody with BD of my SS8. Everything is split down the middle, or supposed to be. Our relationship with BD has never been great. He is living with his mother, SS grandmother, and they like to scheme and gang up on my wife and I. I try to be supportive, but after 5 years, I'm just about done and that's what brings me here today. I come from a home where I didn't have to go through any of this stuff. My parents have been married for 50 years (I'm lucky!) and both of them worked to support our family. Life wasn't always unicorns and rainbows, but I learned about respect, responsibility and honesty at a very young age, characteristics that I bring to my own business today. Saying that, I'm not wired to be an a**hole like BD and grandmother, so it just stresses me out completely.
That brings us to today. My wife and I are being taken to court to prove our case that we provide a suitable home for SS. BD and grandmother want full custody. This started because my wife and I got a dog. A small dog, that doesn't shed....at all. My SS HAD a minor allergy to pet dander but per his allergist, my wife and I could get a "hypoallergenic" dog and he should have limited reaction. Since we got the dog, the BD and grandmother have been filling SS head with lies about his reaction, telling him how should feel when he comes to our house and telling him that my wife and I abuse him because we got a dog. Not any of this is good for the 8 year old, but BD and grandmother say they are doing the right thing by taking us to court. I'm at my wits end.
To continue, my relationship with SS is "confused". I'm one of the step parents that will do anything I can for this child, but I just don't have the love for him as I do for my biological daughter. Any advice,
Thanks,
Thank you very much for
Thank you very much for this!!
Your situation is nearly a
Your situation is nearly a mirror image of mine including my parents 52 year and counting marriage. My amazing bride and I have been married for 20+ years and raised SS-22 together in our home since we married the week before he turned 2yo until he aged out from under the Custody/Visitation/Support CO when he was 18 and joined the USAF. We too have lined up side by side to battle the SPerm Idiot and Sperm GrandHag. The DipShitiot has been supported by Sperm GrandHag and Sperm GrandDad including them paying his CS obligation for my SS for the entire duration of the 17+ year CO, letting their idiot son live rent free in their investment property, and raising his three younger also out of wedlock spawn by two other baby mamas. The only notable difference I see in your story and mine is that my adulterous cavern crotched skank whore of an XW and I never spawned so when my divorce was final I had no baggage to keep me connected to that train wreck of history.
I think the thing that you and DW have been mistaken on is continuing to try to coparent with BioDad and his mommy while they have been manipulative and uncooperative. We did the same ... for the first couple of years but realized that no matter how reasonable we were they were never reasonable so .... we began the destroy the Sperm Clan strategy that worked wonders for us over the years. Any time they so much as twitched out of alignment with the CO we rolled it up and beat them into submission with it. No quarter, no exceptions, no matter what. We bared their asses publically, socially, legally, in their community, in their church, wherever and whenever they showed their asses we put a spotlight on their hairy simian like rumps until they pretty much stayed under their usual slime covered rock on the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene pool. Any time they poked out from under their rock we played what-a-mole with the rolled up CO, the supplemental county rules, and the state regs for custody visitation and support.
Here is what I see and recommend. Quit playing their game and play your own. Pick your own deadly ground and battle them on your terms and conditions rather than on theirs. If you had a history of showing the mama’s boy Sperm Idiot as incapable of supporting and providing a save and adequate home for his child (for lives with his mommy for fuck sake), had owned his ass and the Sperm GrandHag’s ass any time they twitched they would never have tried to play this card because they would know you and your bride would come down on them like a ton of shit in a 1Gal Ziploc.
It is not too late to start. Get every bit of info, history, etc together on the Sperm Idiot and Sperm GrandHag that you can compile. Invest in a lawyer, get a PI to dig up any dirt that is out there, have the PI get video of the Sperm Idiot making sex videos with farm animals and Sperm GrandHag blowing the old farts at the Bingo hall for Bingo cards. Whatever it takes.
And …. Get rid of the dog. You tossed up a meat ball for the toxic opposition to take a swing at when you bought a dog into your home with an allergic child. I get that the doc said it was okay and you could get a dander free dog. It does not matter. As a guy who had killer childhood allergies and asthma and spent my fair share of time in ERs getting adrenalin shots and in the Denver Children’s Asthma hospital until we figured out it was the dog I can tell you that even now at 50yo that when I spend too much time with my friends or family with supposedly hypoallergenic dogs I feel like shit, get wheezy, a headache, and I leave. A kid does not have that option. My brother has a Bichon, I dated women with Shitzus, and Basenjis, Yorkies, even one of those Chinese things that looks like it has the world’s worst case of mange, my parents bought a poodle because once we figured out the problem was the dog they wanted my little bro to have the dog experience like I did when I was younger, and my XW and I had a Schnauzer for about three days. Some of these supposedly hypoallergenic dogs effected me less than others but all of them effected me. Don’t even get me started on cats. My reaction to even those bald supposedly non allergenic cats makes my reaction to dogs look like a day in a Hepa filtered clean room (I worked in the semiconductor industry for many years and love clean rooms). Don’t get me wrong, I love animals I just can’t live with dogs or cats. Our family pet is a parrot. People who don't suffer from allergies have no idea how miserable they can be for those who do. Er on the side of caution with your Skid allergies and find an alternative pet other than one that your Skid tests positive to. If it removes ammunition from the Sperm Clan's quiver then I would avoid not only breeds that your Skid is allergic to but entire species including beeds that are supposed to be non allergenic.
After a few days with the poodle and my running snot buckets from my nose to the drain that was it for dogs in our family when I was growing up. When we used to visit my grandparents who refused to get rid of their dogs my dad and I would stay in a hotel while my mom and brothers would stay with the GPs. My GPs were all offended but my parents did not care at that point. My health and comfort were paramount. Even now I will not stay at my IL’s house. They don’t have pets they just live like pigs with a house full of dust and mold. My bride and I stay in hotels when we visit her family just so we can have a pleasant time without allergy hell.
I too get that it is difficult to feel strongly loving feelings for a kid that represents so much tension and drama in your life and family. But, only you and your bride can protect your Skid from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.
The only way to deal with a toxic opposition like yours (and ours) is a no quarter series of battles until your skid ages out from under the CO.
Ditch the dog.
Go win!!!
All IMHO and experience of course.
Good luck.
Thanks to all, especially
Thanks to all, especially "Rags" for your very honest and open input. I agree with it all. I agree to get the dog out of here. He shows no signs of allergic reaction to the dog, certainly not the way BD and grandma claim he is. They are a cancer on our lives. The dog was fuel for their never-ending hatred towards us and completely agree that it wasn't the smartest choice. My wife is doing everything she can to get the allergists and pediatricians he sees to support our case, but as "Cat" mentions, they are unwilling to get dragged into court cases.
We have hired a lawyer. We need more council from her to see what avenue we go, whether we fight the dog thing for the time being and be done with this round, or bring more of our grievances i.e. the brainwashing, the unsupportive father, etc..... Any advice on that? Should we clear this dog thing up and then move on, or do we just go full steam ahead and try to get everything we want for the SS. I want nothing to do with these people. I would prefer just to see them all go away so my wife, my bio-daughter and I can live free of f'ing crazy people!
and regarding the dog, it is
and regarding the dog, it is a Havaneese. A "hair" dog. Does not shed and has limited dander. The saliva allergy is something I've heard of though and we'll definitely make sure to follow some stricter guidelines when we have SS over until the court case is resolved.
I would not get rid of the
I would not get rid of the dog. It's the tiniest of straws they are pulling at. Let them waste their time and money fighting about a fucking dog.
The ganging up they've done
The ganging up they've done to my wife and I has reared its ugly head before. We usually ignore the insults etc and move on. I think now that we've both lawyered up because of a dog that it's time to prove a point. These people are insane. Never met anyone like them in my life. Agreed that it is the grandmother behind most of this including financing the lawyer because BD doesn't have it.
Thankfully my wife and BD
Thankfully my wife and BD were never married. That would add an entirely different layer to this already insane situation. Would also like to point out that there is no abuse at our home. We have a perfectly normal 4 year old daughter that is polite, respectful and appreciates everything my wife and I do for her. If we were such bad people as BD and grandma make us out to be, wouldn't that present in my daughter? The bigger issue is that BD and grandma hate my wife and I. Their goal in life is to make our lives miserable and fucked up as their own. I can't live like that
I agree. My wife has saved
I agree. My wife has saved all the electronic abuse and threats. There's plenty. They are spending money to piss us off. Would love to see their face when they realize we have a lawyer. I hope this backfires directly in their face.
LOL! I think it's a bit
LOL! I think it's a bit weird to be castigating people for what they DIDN'T say, but...
In my own case, yes, my initial reaction to "my wife and I share custody" was "no you don't". However, the very next sentence was "everything is split down the middle", which changed my reaction to "oh, you meant financially. OK then, carry on."
If he'd started talking about how he's just as much of a Daddy as the bio dad, that he deserves to be called "Daddy" regardless of how bio dad feels about it, or that he had some sort of fatherly rights just like bio dad, then yeah, I'd have ripped him a new one. This post wasn't about that though.
I dunno, I missed that post.
I dunno, I missed that post. (I haven't been on a whole lot over the holidays, too busy.)
I can't defend anyone else, really. I'm just saying that I dislike it when smoms claim to be "mom" and generally tell them they are not mom. However, in THIS post, it didn't seem like the guy was claiming to be dad, so I didn't "correct" him. But if he does post some "I've been in his life since he was X years old, I'm his father too" crap, then I'll rip him a new one. Good enough?
I particularly love the many
I particularly love the many references made about how a child should not be torn from its mother.
Oh, and for what it's worth,
Oh, and for what it's worth, my skids' step dad DOES sometimes try to pull that "I'm their father too!" crap, and it makes my skin crawl. So I don't have that reaction just to women.
Funny story illustrating why step parents (of both genders) are NOT parents... My oldest SD got married this past summer. StepDad was insistent that he got to walk her down the aisle (with my DH) because "I'm her father too!" Then BM told him she wanted a divorce with about a month to go before the wedding. Turns out he wasn't even invited, much less in the wedding party. }:)
I can tell you why sometimes
I can tell you why sometimes some post kicks it off and other's it don't IMO. It's the 'tude in the presentation. This is a married man who is actually a stepfather. That's not always the case. Sometimes it's an unmarried couple (sometimes known each other less than a mere year and actually see the kids 4 days a month) with perhaps a poster claiming 'we, we, we' yet then refers to herself as the girlfriend. The female is all worked up in her posting vent carrying on about 'our rights', 'Im going to do this whether Bm likes it or not' blah blah blah....sometimes it's best to remind the poster who the actual parents and the ones with any 'real rights' in the scenario is.
On the otherhand, sometimes HRNYC is just having a boring day feels like stirring up sh*t, LOL.
Oh, you are so right. I have
Oh, you are so right.
I have seen grown ass women on this site slobber all over the male posters(not your fault guys-well, except for the chauvinistic asses that eat it up and encourage it-and you know who you are, Draco)and let slide shit that they would NEVER let a female get away with saying. I have no respect for those women-NONE.
They are ruled by their vaginas and need male approval to even function. It makes me ill. I don't even call them women, I don't want them linked to my gender at all.
Quite an interesting read.
Quite an interesting read. Thanks to those that did give advice. Appreciated.