How does it feel after Skids are gone?
I feel rejuvenated and excited today. SD18 is moving out! Without obnoxiously celebrating, I'd like to know how life is different after you no longer have to live with and support someone who treats you like an outsider in your own home? Did anyone do something special for themselves? I have 3 little ones and feel this will allow me to parent them better because I don't have to work about a teenage girls distorted opinions on "fair". I can also hold them to a higher standard because my husband is not stupid enough to challenge my parenting skills with my own children. Because I could never get him to parent his daughter, I gave up trying to instill chores or responsibilities in general because I did not want to fight with SD or my husband. I was truly the "bad guy" who thought she should actually be assigned a chore a day (She washed dishes 2x in the 5 years she lived with us, my husband would fight with me over it, telling me she was afraid of germs) instead of laying in bed all day watching tv. To this day, she never lifts a finger unless she is asked to, and typically can argue her way out of it with DH. I've avoided taking a vacation because she ruined the last few we went on with bad behavior. I automatically second guess myself when buying anything for my BioKids because she used to have a fit and demand an equal amount item. I always felt this was ridiculous, but it did work with DH
This week she tried stealing a bunch of my stuff so now I have a valid reason to let her know she is not welcome here unless we are home. I'm sure it will pass, but if she ever steals from me again, she will not be allowed in my house again. Although we typically disagree on issues concerning his daughter, I think my husband is very bothered because we rarely ever caught her stealing.
Again, how did your life change and did it make a huge difference to have the "negative energy" out of your house? Did your marriage improve?
Congratulations! I know
Congratulations!
I know Exactly how you feel. Jubilation! Celebration. It is like getting rid of a poison that infects the household. Negative Energy REMOVED!! When my SD18 moved out b/c she couldn't live by my/our rules, she later asked her silblings "how it was in the house" (meaning w/o her). They all said "fine." She was saddened that no one missed her and her daily-drama. No one cared she was gone - because most of the drama was gone! But be warned, even though they are out - they come back to visit, eat your food, do their laundry, sneak into your house when you're not home, etc.
It was even better a few years later when we moved about an hour a way, and even better when SD got married and moved 7 hours away - There was great rejoicing in my life that day. She still causes drama and makes every attempt not to include me or BD for the past 15 years - like THIS Thankgiving, sending a text to everyone in the family how greatful she was for a wonderful family - except to me and BD. Lame husband does nothing. His passive parenting with no correction is what made her into a rude, bratty child. But oh joy, SD (who is now 30, married and struggling in her marriage because of her control-issues and self-centered behaviors) and hubby are coming for Christmas! Poison comes back but in smaller doses that you can flush from your system when they leave again. I am courteous and that is it. I no longer go out of my way to feed or do anything for her/them. I know I never will and I can live with that.
I rejoice with you on your small victory today - but I forewarn you; there will be different (or same) base-lying issues. Don't forget to get her house key or change the locks and tell her to call YOU (not husband) if she wants anything, like come to the house to do laundry, or steal food. Enjoy your day!
You make me laugh echo! I
You make me laugh echo! I feel the same way!!
that is my tactic two. when
that is my tactic two. when the skids lived with us they called him names to his face (and mine.) dh took all this like the weak sister that he was. his own children knew how weak he was. he let them run the house. not so with me. as soon as skid called me a name to my face i showed him the door. he has been out since then. now the poor lad complains how hard it is to live on his own with apartment rent and bills, etc. too bad. he had it good when he lived with his father and me. a sassy mouth has consequences.
No skids that really visit at
No skids that really visit at the home but I have the dread of them always popping in or coming back.
I have never been sorry from
I have never been sorry from banning SD from our home. The only way she will set foot on my doorstep is if DH informs her, in front of me, that she is to respect me as his wife. The way I look at it, it was both of them. SD was vicious and obnoxious, Daddy chose to turn a blind eye to it. You know the story, I'm sure.
At first I wondered if I had been over-reacting as I had been accused of for so many years. I also felt betrayed by DH, who never found the balls to do as I requested but he paid the price. SD no longer contacts DH. Not for any occasion. But it gets better with every day I don't have to put up with the negative energy and B.S. The marriage has definitely gotten better. What really changed for me was a belief and validation of my convictions, plus an elevation in self-worth. I used to let my DH influence my life in an almost stifling way. Now I am involved in other things which add to personal growth.
I will never again allow a person to treat me the way SD or DH did.
been to that movie and was
been to that movie and was treated to the directors cut.
My DH was passive and blind
My DH was passive and blind to the skids abuse I had to endure. DH either did not see the abuse I went through or handled it in a way that to me caused it to grow. Skids grew up and moved out.
We still did all kinds of good things for them but they decided to punish dh/sm and not talk to us. At the time I was really hurt by all the rejection and missed SGS that I had gotten attached to.
I was a very good sm and thankful that there was nothing that anyone could put the blame on me for the estrangements.
During the estrangement with osd she had another baby boy. MSD has not talked to us since I showered her with nice baby gifts at her baby shower. All three of his kids did not talk to us for over a year and then OSD & SS came back into the picture, msd still is not talking to us (5 years now)and has two kids we have never seen, ss is currently on round two of having nothing to do with us.
What I thought was so hurtful really all turned out to be a blessing as it brought dh and I closer.
The skids thought they would get better control of dad but it backfired.
DH does still have a hope that they will apologize and once again have a relationship but he agrees with me that he does not want the strife, drama, or being treated like the enemy and I have made it clear I will not have anything to do with people that hate me and are rude to me.
All that said, I am happier than I have ever been. I have lived in the strife and drama and now live in peace.
There have been a few problems with osd but because of the past estrangement and the fact that we moved from the 1st marriages marital home, I feel I have actually gotten the position of power regarding my own surroundings.
Bottom line, its wonderful!
mine SS19 just moved out this
mine SS19 just moved out this Friday. over our first argument ever. He left to his moms I asked for my house key which he had an absolute fit. See I know he was going to end up using my house to fornicate with his slutty girlfriend. I am hurt because he is saying so many awful things about me. I feel that I don't deserve it but ONE think is for sure, I don't want him back. His dad is in prison at the moment.
An update.... I am so
An update.... I am so relieved. I don't have a constant negative energy in my home who glares at me and makes me feel self conscious. Her little siblings have not asked about her once, and I do not miss her at all. She laid in bed in her room and never lifted a finger or came out very much. Canceling her car insurance and cutting off the cell phone felt great. I feel like my husband is not argumentative with parenting matters anymore and we actually have time at night to spend together without SD coming downstairs to eat late at night. I'm not afraid of her walking in my bedroom unannounced in the morning. There is more food, less dishes, and I will now be able to hire an outside babysitter for the first time in 5 years. I never hired my nieces because I knew SD would be here and make them feel uncomfortable. She refused to babysit. I trust my parenting decisions and now am posting rules to the fridge for the little kids, she always acted like the rules should not apply to her, so I had a really hard time enforcing them with all the kids. I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I felt my self esteem instantly increase. This is awesome! I have about 90% less anxiety, it's making me realize how anxious this stepchild thing has made me for the last 10 years.
On a side note, she called herself sick into school yesterday (first day of school not living under our roof). She had an unexcused absence this morning.
Congratulations! The most
Congratulations! The most important thing was getting SD out of your house. You owe it to your little ones - and this is going to demonstrate positive many things to them. She may attempt to manipulate DH to get back in but stand firm. When she strolled into your bedroom unannounced she wanted diminish you as the wife of her father.
I too was amazed how much better it felt to finally place boundaries with both SD and DH. After 3 years it is hard to believe I put up with such disrespectful behavior for so long. But that's what happens when you feel outnumbered and want everything to work out like in the movies where people see the light and change for the better. Doesn't happen in real life. In real life people justify their actions. The more time that goes by the more determined I am to never go back to the world according to SD.
It makes day to day life
It makes day to day life easier. We still struggle at holidays and family events. My adult stepson is AMAZING. Awesome young man. Very respectful, courteous, and compassionate; he is also willing to give me the benefit of the doubt and appreciates my contribution to our family over the last 30 years. My stepdaughter, (sighs)......
its great but many times dh
its great but many times dh forgets his backbone and wants they to move back in again.
Though my Skid was in no way
Though my Skid was in no way toxic ..... we have definitely enjoyed our nearly 4 years of empty nester status since he reported for USAF BMT. We have enjoyed it in large part because the kid is doing well, he is under the supervision of absolute experts in providing young people with discipline and direction, and he is entirely accountable for his own support, care, and feeding…. Except for his car insurance that we pay for because I have not been able to transfer title of his car to him …. Yet. Though he is a self supporting young man of character, if he does a young male adult brain fart and hurts someone while driving I don’t want the liability falling on us so until I can transfer title to him we pay his insurance.
His mom and I have moved internationally and completely enjoyed our post child raising years so far.