When is it considered enough?
I have posted on two other occasions about SS15 being officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety (on medication), and he also has access to regular inpatient care in a mental health facility at a hospital on the other side of town for respite for him for 48 hours (2 hours away). Both his father and I feel he is more suffering from narcissistic borderline personality disorder (like his BM) and therefore was wondering if he can ever be "cured"?
His father is literally at the edge of not being able to take anymore carp from SS15 (who seems to be escalating in his manipulation, non genuine attempts to suicide, attention seeking, grandiose manner) and its so tiring in having to monitor and supervise him 24/7.
But when does it become too much and the father says no more?
Has anyone had any experience with the skids who became sooo unbelievably bad and unbearable, that their SO had to walk away? And what lead up to it?
I just hate watching his father go through so much and have to sacrifice his life and be in constant stress (while trying to maintain a business FT), while the BM takes no responsibility for anything and lives scott free with her BF unhindered by all the fall out as caused by her over the past 2-3 years.
Enough is when DH says it is
Enough is when DH says it is enough. If DH is at the end of his rope then he must step back and effectively distance himself enough from the drama of Skid-15 to see the big picture and put the structure in place to deal with his crap. Of course he should commit to doing what he can for this troubled kid but .... he cannot sacrifice himself, his marriage, or any other children to a toxic kid on the altar of parental martyrdom. There is more to consider than just this one toxically manipulative kid.
Based on the constant and escalating nature of SS-15’s bullshit it is approaching time to put the kid in the system and let the state deal with his “mental health” issues. At some point a parent and family must end the constant drama of a manipulative and toxic kid and focus on the other members of the family.
I suggest that DH investigate the possibility of having SS-15 made a ward of the state due to his chronic mental health issues. A close childhood friend of mine has been a word of the state for more than 30 years. The state dictates his care and when necessary sends the padded van to pick him up for a stint in the happy house until he is stabilized. When he is released the state will also house and care for him but usually his parents let him live in their MIL apartment attached to their home. Having him made a ward of the state gave his parents the chance to disconnect the family from his drama so that they could raise his younger brother to viable adulthood and protect their marriage.
It is worth a look. Get an attorney and see what the options are.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Insight is the key word
Insight is the key word here...sometimes we both think that perhaps theres a glimmer of insight (his mask is on), but then reverts back when he needs his attention seeking fix and reverts back to compulsive manipulative behavior ....but from what i know about BPD, is that they lack insight into their behavior as they are fixated on everything being everyone elses fault....
And I know dytzy you say be careful about making a diagnosis...its just my personal opinion and he has EXACTLY all the same behaviors and manipulative ways as his BM
DH's grandparents had to give
DH's grandparents had to give up his uncle due to this issue. They couldn't afford the doctors and medication he needed. After he tried to kill his mother and it took DH's grandpa, FIL and DH to get him down and stable they were forced to hand him over to the state. He's in his late 40's now and still lives in a state foster family. He really turned his life around when the proper medical services were at his disposal. He comes home for a week every few months now for visits. Works part time at a job he loves, and loves to brag about his girlfriend and how super hot she is. lol He's a very sweet and smart man who is great to hang out with now. Their decision, though a hard and painful one was the best for him. I can understand it from your point and DH's uncles. If they were in charge of his medical and mental expenses right now he would surely fall into a dangerous man. And my FIL and his brothers and sisters all grew up to have a good relationship with their brother who they were once so so scared of.
Thank you for all your
Thank you for all your feedback and stories you have shared as it makes me see that we arent alone and that this sort of behavior (although rare) can and does happen in some people. I have known SS15 for nearly 5 years now and he has always exhibited manipulative, controlling,grandiose, attention seeking, mood swings, fake/false mask wearing and to be honest, I never know who is the real lad and who isnt. He knows how to blend his behavior to suit the scenario and constantly enjoys the sport of challenging and playing people off against each other to then sit back and watch the fall out. He lived with me (us) for 10 months and it was extremely challenging. Im a teacher and would try and help him with his homework only for him to use that opportunity to play games of "how much can I get Stormy to do it for me" and when I refused, he would declare his admiration of my ability to not fall for his antics. I have MANY stories I can share. Its exhausting.
So needless to say we dont live together, we cant so we continue living "in limbo" while this all gets sorted out one way or another. The father isnt giving up on him but I can see he is at his limit so last meeting we had involving all the mental health professionals, I raise my concerns for the father who is struggling, but its pretty much lip service they offer saying things like to him: "you have to look after yourself..."..how? So he may get respite when his son wants to check in to the mental health ward (over 2 hours away) which gives him up to a 48 hour break but what happens if he cant just drop everything to drive this kid there as he has to work? I guess he takes it one day at a time.
Meanwhile BM is "allowed" to continue to stir the pot and keep being involved with his school and in the recent family therapy sessions they attended yesterday as both are now wanting to share the information with the BM!!! WTF!! She is the cause of all this poor kids issues and she puts a restraining order on her own son but is ALLOWED access to personal information? Both the father and son yesterday said they wont be going back to this family therapy session again because of them wanting to share information with BM. She has all the freedom in the world living with her BF, she refuses to see her own son and even puts a restraining order on her son who is a minor and still feels she has the rights to maintain connection via the school counselors and the agencies family therapy counselling services??? She loves stirring pot and is sitting back and LOVING the fact that her son is making her exH life a living hell.
Thank you lady face...my sentiments exactly: "But, people who have never actually lived with this kind of chaos, mental illness and substance abuse don't have a single clue. They'll guilt you into believing you need to sacrifice everyone and everything around you for the sake of one disturbed kid. I say bullshit. Save those who can be saved. The mentally ill have to 1. Admit they are ill and 2. Actively seek help for themselves before any progress can be made. If both or even just one of those elements is missing, you can't help him."
And Tog, I love that idea about residential respite care. That sounds better than having to check him into hospital for respite in a mental ward for 48hours like we face now. We live in Australia and clearly our services are lacking
With BM having BDP as well as
With BM having BDP as well as SS15 (my diagnosis)....you can only imagine what our lives are like because I agree with your assessment.
This is so true. One minute you think "SS15 gets it" and is even sorry for his behavior, then the next he has gone and reacted (without thinking) to another small thing or seized on an opportunity to have a go at someone or will sulk...which creates so much negative drama all designed in gaining attention.
Between the both of them (and now even with the restraining order) its a night mare.
And what BM tells her own son
And what BM tells her own son that his father isnt his father which she has also done alongside with the fact she refuses to pick up her son from the mental ward in hospital??? Clearly she is as dumb as dog shit as what does that say about her then? That she can have a baby to another random man, lie to her own son and husband all those years whilst she expects him to support everyone in the family financially???
These toxic BM's are quick to want to take the $$$ and material possesses, but is reluctant to take on the responsibility!
I sure hope the Karma bus is on its way!!