DH asking for STalkers help and experience Please join in
SD15 has had declining grades and attendance for the last year and a half. This semester (10th grade) has been the fastest and the worst spiral downward. Last night we found out that SD15 decided to sleep in that morning, moseyed on into school at noon. Missed four classes. The worst part? AFTER BM found out, she called her in "excused." BM wasn't forewarned by SD15 (BM works an early shift); in fact, kid got up early with her mom and basically pretended to get ready then went back to bed after her mom left the house. So she deceived and manipulated her mom and her mom still called it in excused.
DH has tried everything but the kitchen sink to get BM (and the girl) to take this seriously but nothing has worked. (SD has also been put into counseling which seems like a waste of money so far, over 5 months). So when we hear about this new instance of absenteeism (she is almost at the state law yearly threshold for having to repeat a grade due to absenteeism already, FIRST semester is far from over yet) it as the last straw. The stakes seem very high now, as she is now at real risk of becoming a dropout.
So DH let BM know today that he is now ready to take SD15 to our house for school days and go to a school in our district. Not surprisingly, BM hit the roof and threatened court.
What we would like to hear from all the wise STalkers is who has had experience with custody fights over grades/dropping out? We will do proper research, but we want to hear stories now. We thought maybe there's something like a motion to compel the CP* to bring the kid's grades up (F's and D's) and stop excusing absences/tardies and see that kid actually attends school.
We know the courts are stacked in favor of BM (but this is not NY, thank all the gods of Olympus!) but we also figure the courts take an interest in not allowing a COD to become a truant and a dropout.
Eager to read your stories, DH standing by as well.
*(they have joint custody, but skids go to school from mom's house -- we have them 3 plus days a week)
If she drops out of school,
If she drops out of school, there would still be CS until she reaches the age of emancipation.
I would definitely check into the truancy laws, though.
We have checked on the
We have checked on the truancy laws, believe me. And shown them to BM. Last year SDthen14 reached the yearly max absences and school could have held her back but chose to let her go on. She had terrible grades but pulled most of them up to just above Fs right at the very end of the school year with teachers giving extra time and etc. to help her pull it off. This year she had over half the absences before school had been in session 4 weeks. So the rate has greatly accelerated, even with BM knowing what's at stake.
I hadn't heard about the CS, though! I would have thought what you said, hereiam, but I hope it's what Annith said! That would be an awesome, awesome tool to use during these negotiations.
Dropping out of high school
Dropping out of high school is not an emancipating event.
Where I live, a kid can drop out at 16. It pisses me off because parents are legally responsible for their kid's actions until 18 but they can decide to drop out of school at 16, without parental permission.
And, hey, if they think they are ready for the world at 16, child support should no longer be required, in my opinion. That's not how it works, though.
Where I live, if the kid is
Where I live, if the kid is absent so many times a judge can order that kid to get the GED and be done with it. Once the GED is taken and given, child is no longer eligable to recieve CS. And if they child just drops out, CS is removed. But, it states it in our court order, so maybe look over that and it should say something to that effect.
Ooooo! Is this U.S.?
Ooooo! Is this U.S.? Losing child support would absolutely get bm's attention!
That was smart to put that in
That was smart to put that in the court order. SD dropped out but got married at the same time, which was easier and quicker to prove!
^^^^ If only! Dh has long
^^^^ If only! Dh has long promised no adult skids lolling about on our couches so 18 is a very magical number to me! 2 1/2 years and counting!
OMG. We have tried to be very
OMG. We have tried to be very careful about not getting my income mixed up with his but we know if things get to court we may find we haven't been careful enough. Kid's income didn't count but yours did? What the f is wrong with the courts? Is it really in the child's best interest to be able to install a tap on a random person who happened to come into his life? Exactly what kind of kid do the court's think that creates? And what kind of instability does it inflict on the kid's life if marriage #2 gets all tense or falls apart cuz SM doesn't want to be an ATM? Geez loueeeeez. Sorry for you, Annith. That is so freakin' messed up.
I'm pretty much breathless
I'm pretty much breathless after reading your battle to be removed as the teat from which BM guzzles. Oh, dear. Oh, my. I need a fainting couch I've got the vapors now.....
Not 24/7. We expect her mom
Not 24/7. We expect her mom to take her on weekends when bm can't screw up school. I support him in trying to get her because I can't stand seeing her teeter on the brink of a dark abyss. I do want her to have a happy life standing on her own two legs and right now she is poised for anything but.
I appreciate the story about your SD and the school coming to get her. This is pretty much what I've told DH I would do if she went to school from our house and I wasn't sure what it would really look like. Great picture you gave me. When you say the police came the third time and it was the "last" time, do you mean she started getting up on time and going and it wasn't necessary anymore? Or that they all gave up on her?
When my husband was a
When my husband was a teenager he had the choice of living with his mom (few to no rules) or with his dad (relaxed but rules) he chose to live with his dad as he knew that if he lived with his mom he was unlikely to finish HS but with his dad he would.
If you (your husband) had a frank talk with SD and scared her about life without finishing HS or barely scraping by and then showed her what she could do if she put some effort in and then promised her that if she lived with you guys she would get routine, structure and help she needs to go to HS and pull up her grades, do you think she would willingly choose to live with you two? Lots of times kids know what they need and they want to do well, for some reason your SD has given up on herself, if you can show her that you won't give up then hopefully she won't give up on herself either.
That could make a potential custody case easier or may just simply persuade BM to let her move in with you two (perhaps allowing her to keep a small portion of CS if she is that way motivated and you can afford it).
I know this is all a long shot and even with your daughter wanting to come to move in with you two winning custody isn't guaranteed but it might be worth considering.
Thank you, Bethanne. My DH
Thank you, Bethanne. My DH (snuggled up next to my right now) nodded his head when I read your line about not giving up on her and that she has herself. That sounds good and is food for thought. He and I both agree, though, that your DH must have been a more self aware teen than SD is. She screams things like "I don't care!" and "I don't want you (dad) "interfering" with my schoolwork!" and "I can do my hw so much better at mom's house!" and the infamous "I'm not comfortable at your house!" The only one of those statements that is true is that she really doesn't seem to care about her future. Seems way too immature, more like a 7 year old, and can absolutely not picture herself as an adult. Just an endless teen playing video games at her mom's house, apparently, until she's 67.
Appreciate your thoughtful post. Sparked good conversation with DH.
BTW, who says a parent is "interfering" by getting them to do their homework?!!!???
You're welcome. "BTW, who
You're welcome.
"BTW, who says a parent is "interfering" by getting them to do their homework?!!!???"
I probably said something similar as a teenager! But I was bookish so got the homework done anyway even if it was mostly last minute.
I didn't read any of the
I didn't read any of the responses, so if I'm repeating anything I'm sorry.
If her own mother isn't concerned with this she never will be either. I'm not sure if court can help, I would ask a lawyer what he or she thinks, or maybe a few lawyers because one would think this a big concern, but one thinks alot. I think in order to get threw both their heads, call the truency officer. Your DH can go up to the school and let them know what is really going on. Once an officer goes looking for her, a charge will be filed, and BM is totally responsible for that fine because she is letting her get away with it.
That's interesting. I was
That's interesting. I was wondering about that. If DH could override the BM's excusing of the absences. But knowing BM, she would make up a story about how the girl really was sick. I suppose DH could then show the texts where BM says she wasn't. Then BM would say she lied to DH the first time or blah blah blah. This woman can spin webs that would choke an elephant.
I did spend a lot of time yesterday talking to education officials at the state level and the head of the state dropout prevention office is going to call us (she was out yesterday).
Thanks, Evil.
Can he request that Sd needs
Can he request that Sd needs a doctor's note before the school can excuse any absences because of high rate of truency?
?!!???!!! There is no end
?!!???!!! There is no end to the depth of info I can get from STalkers. We will check into SD15's high school's policy on this and now that we're talking to the Dept of Ed at state level, ask some key people about it, too. Awesome story. Thanks so much for sharing.
He twists himself into a
He twists himself into a pretzel trying not to sound like he blames BM. But she can take offense if an ant walks by and fails to salute her.
Her responses are: "I'm too stressed, stop sending me the screenshots of her grades, she told me she's doing better and I believe her." A real gem yesterday was "SD15 is a good girl! She made a mistake yesterday!" (the "mistake" being faking her mother out that she was going to school then going back to bed [or whatever she really did] as soon as mom left the house)
BM's overall attitude is that this year and a half downward spiral of grades and attendance "will work itself out."
These are good suggestions, Ripley. I like your list up top. I'll show it to DH (he's gone now).
"someone will return the
"someone will return the favor" ^^^^^^ HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! This is excellent stuff, ripley. I can't wait to show it to DH! He wouldn't do all of it but there's plenty there for him to work with and he will eat it up. Thanks for these great ideas. Someone in ed I talked to yesterday had suggested the soup kitchen and I had worked on getting it set up a year ago myself (but got derailed) but the missing piece was your actual message: just paying it forward for the day you will need it! Hahahahaha! So damn perfect and that is actually the keystone that might make it work! Love it!
Just like everybody else
Just like everybody else here, he would pick what works for him and appreciate but maybe not use some that won't. For instance, SD15 adores cheap mac and cheese or even cheaper ramen and would absolutely love to inflict it on the rest of us. In fact, she's been begging for ramen dinners for years so it might not be quite the teaching opportunity we would hope for.
Having answered your question, let me now say HE FREAKIN' LOVED YOUR POST AND SAID "WE SHOULD PRINT THAT OUT AND FRAME IT!"!!!!
I will post an update to the whole thing but I'm pretty exhausted on her right now. Just quickly let me say he unabashedly adored this WHOLE thread and any private messages I received and was very surprised and appreciative of how much time people would take to post these thoughtful and useful answers to help us. Big success! Thank you, everyone!
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What happened to your story
What happened to your story about the sports car? DH found that to be an interesting approach and food for thought, too. As I said below though, SD is just a few feet away so no opportunity for us to talk much.
It worked really well for you and it was a great story. So glad you're son was able to see the light and the end of the tunnel and it was shaped like a Camaro. (or whatever it was)
After 19th grade and similar
After 19th grade and similar bullshit we shipped our kid off to Military School. Try it, it may work if you can keep BM far enough away from the place so the process of handing the kid her ass and teaching her responsibility, accountability, honor, and character will work.
"19th grade" Haha! You have a
"19th grade" Haha! You have a way with words, my friend. Dh looked at your response just now, liked it. SD is a few feet away from us, so we had to talk in code, but he appreciated the advice. I never thought about the angle of military school keeping BM away so she can't screw it up. Sounds so great.
BTW, when I went to counseling earlier this year to keep me from running screaming through the streets over SD, I mentioned to counselor that I dreamed of military school. With a straight face, counselor said, "is that a real option?" Hmmm, maybe she wasn't so clueless, after all!