Pregnant with my 1st, his 3rd...
I'm new to this website and have no idea what the forum etiquette is here. My last experience in a forum was a pregnancy forum and it was not a pleasant one. I don't even know if I am welcome to speak here because I am not married to my SO, but we have been living together for a year and a half and I am 28 weeks pregnant with our baby girl. My post is going to be long so please don't read & respond unless it's somewhat constructive.
SO & I have been together for 2 years. We have discussed marriage many times in the past, and are waiting to save up enough to have a wedding. SO has 2 kids D3 and S11.
S11 is special needs and has slight behavioral problems due to his blindness and epilepsy (nothing too disruptive, he is just socially behind and rather immature). However, he copes pretty well IMO for having a lot on his plate and being older, he is not a handful to deal with. SO also only has him on the weekends Fri. - Sun. Overall, I'm fine with this arrangement although the weekend is the only time we really have together.
D3 on the other hand is the major issue. Her bio mom is a really nasty person. BM has already taught her 3yo to say nasty things about S11 because he is blind. I can't imagine what she will teach her daughter when my baby is born. I'm not going to feel safe leaving an infant around D3 because she's pretty much an example of "Parents who make their children the center of their universe will raise children who expect the world to revolve around them". She's going to be jealous and spiteful and who knows what she will "accidentally" do.
SO and D3's BM have a bitter history of custody battles. He used to only have D3 on weekends and that has changed to 4 overnights due to issues with the BM. Issues with the BM have cleared up and he is still hanging on to this arrangement for no logical reason-- just emotional ones.
D3 will not sleep through the night one her own bed because she co-sleeps with her mother. SO is not a believer of co-sleeping, but he intermittently allows it anyway (how is she every going to learn that she is not entitled to sleep with us or wake us up in the middle of the night for no good reason?!) On top of that she is crazy hyper, has no actual bedtime and goes to sleep sometimes as late as 11:30 (as early as 9, but it's usually somewhere in between).
SO works so I'm the one who ends up taking her to DC the two weekday mornings that we have her. SO also expects me to be the babysitter when he has something to do for one kid and doesn't know what to do with the other. I resent him for expecting that and he resents me for not offering.
I am severely depressed about the situation. Our relationship has suffered greatly. Our financial situation has become a lot more unstable (it would be easier if we had D3 fewer nights). How can I even think about marrying this man and raising a child with him when I dread picking up after his kids?
I don't even get to share a bed with him half the time because he's co-sleeping. He gets offended when I bring it up, accusing me that I want his kids around less. He also expects me to love his kids as if they are my own, even though D3's world revolves around her POS mother.
I see a lot of trouble in our future. He might end up with 3 baby mamas.
So I guess my question is, am I beating a dead horse by staying in this relationship miserable? Or is there something else I can do?
I just joined too. It's
I just joined too. It's normal IMO to resent having to help with skids. Have you thought of counseling? Or finding someone to take the kid to day care? Maybe if it costs him, it'll make him appreciate what you do.
What do you mean when you say
What do you mean when you say "costs him"? We don't have money to throw around and no one will take his D3 to DC. Either I take her or she stays all day with me.
And I hear ya. I just feel like I'm more depressed and resentful than normal. Might just be in my best interest to walk away, but I really love this man...
Hmmmm....I am you 7-10 years
Hmmmm....I am you 7-10 years down the track Decade...and frankly it's not good news love.
I am older than DH by 9 years and therefore my children were older so I was nearly carefree. DH came along with 3 very young girls, G3, G4, G5. They were living with him but primarily cared for by the GrandMother. After initially shunning me as the older woman they must have seen the benefit of me and before I knew it, I was babysitting 3 girls on a Friday, my only day off. We didn't even live together at this stage.
I should have ran away then.....
Then I was running to school, running to kindergarten and getting stuck with kinder picnics...I say stuck because surprisingly everyone else was busy at the last minute when these things arose.
Once again, a good reason to run and run fast.......
Move in together, get to do EVERYTHING. Also get accused of not loving them the same, yada yada yada... These girls were also made to be the centre of EVERYONES Universe. They were indulged, spoilt, excuses made for their behaviour....
Then my surprise, I am pregnant. I was absolutely shattered, now I would be home ALL THE TIME AND HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING.
and STILL I did not RUN!
so here I am today, beating the dead horse and planning my eventual escape.
It does NOT get better, they do NOT change, the relatives do NOT change and all you get is depressed and tired and a shell of your former self. If you can leave, leave now. Your concerns about the D3 will be founded, mine were. They hit, pinched, wrapped in plastic my child, their brother. He is tolerated by them but mostly despised. And you will end up hating them all, yes even DH
Thank you for your answer &
Thank you for your answer & advice.
My first reaction to it was "oh dear..."
I already have some resentment towards my SO.
If he could reduce the days he had D3, it would significantly reduce my housework/responsibilities (picking up after a toddler is a nightmare) AND my stress levels.
D3's BM is willing to have her during the weekdays and it is pretty clear D3 wants to be with her. SO is super set on 4 nights/5 days when I do A LOT of the work. Looks like he'd rather lose me than give up a day or two that he would hardly spend with her anyway (he works all day until late evening-- so all we do is wrestle putting her to bed and then send her to DC the next morning). What's the point when he spends his bulk of time with her during the weekend anyway?
Tell SO you absolutely are
Tell SO you absolutely are not responsible for the care of his daughter and that he can either make arrangements for her and handle it himself, or your will call her mother to come get her during the day and/or take her to daycare. Problem solved!
I agree! Especially with the
I agree! Especially with the BM on the scene, why the heck do you have to? Why can't the BM just come get her and do all the running to DC?
DHs are terrific and wanting their kids and then shunting the responsibility on to us....My DH still does it!
I reread my post, I am possibly old, tired and jaded, but 10 years down the track and I just feel it's wasted time for me. My 7 year old son together is way too attached, he is daddy's boy, for me to even leave now. They have used up my money, my time, my life...and I let them.
If you have a way to make yours better, MAKE THE CHANGES NOW. Whether it is less custody of D3 or whatever else you need to do. Do it before it's too late, before you are too tired, too broke.
I think it's better for me
I think it's better for me that you are not sugarcoating anything. Still, I am terribly sorry about how unfortunate circumstances led you to feel the way you do. Honestly I do not see why anything should be expected of me when I have no say in custody arrangements with S11 or D3 whatsoever. Is it worth it bringing up giving BM more custody? Or am I SOL and better off packing my bags?
Did you ever try to get your DH to change his custody arrangements?
Having his daughter less
Having his daughter less isn't the only way to improve the money issues. You can get a job. The guy has two kids to help support, one on the way that he has to support fully and two adults. If his income isn't enough to cover all of that, decreasing time with his kid shouldn't be the go to answer.
Has he looked into day care/preschool programs for his daughter? He may qualify for free or low cost child care.
You may have skimmed the OP?
You may have skimmed the OP? The SD goes to DC (daycare) on the morning the OP is left to care for her. And I've never heard of anyone finding a job at 28 weeks pregnant.
But you have a good point. Getting a job may be the only way the OP can escape providing unpaid childcare for her partner's children. I'd do it if I could, because she's not only not getting paid, nor getting thanked, but she's getting blamed for not wanting to do more.
I agree, getting a job now
I agree, getting a job now isn't an option.
But if dad can't afford to support everyone without decreasing his time with one of the kids, then staying home may not be an option.
I have to admit, if I were supporting someone, I would expect (hell, who am I kidding, I would require) them to do things to help me as well. If that included watching my kid, so be it. I would thank them and be appreciative, just as I would expect them to thank me for supporting them and be appreciative.
Maybe dad needs to slow down the baby making(3kids with 3 women).
Well, that loving balance in
Well, that loving balance in a marriage seems to be missing here, big time.
If I were the one supporting this family - or if I were the OP - I wouldn't have put myself in this position. It's impossible. Help is one thing, attacks and angry words because the OP doesn't enjoy the helping... that's another.
I also expect help from my partner. I just don't think I get to dictate what they do or how they help me. Especially if they don't enjoy the tasks I set them. I don't see another option in terms of tasks for the OP, but the lack of teamwork and partnership is clear.
Alright I guess I didn't make
Alright I guess I didn't make this one thing clear. SO does NOT fully support me. That is so far from the truth it makes me laugh. His kids were a part of the reason he couldn't really hold down his last job. Most of his income goes towards paying old traffic fines (numerous), DC, an expensive doctor that he sees. Yes, he is the main bread winner, but I pitch in with expenses here and there all the time. On top of that I do everything around the house so he doesn't ever have to (not that he wants to) lift a finger.
D3 wants to be with her mother, her mother is willing to have her more. What's the problem? If SO wants his toddler 4 nights/5 days, then he should make arrangements so she is still his responsibility.
I see people on here complaining about having skids EOWE and I'm baffled at some of these responses. Having D3 less will allow me less stress, more sleep and less depression.
Additionally, it would be a lot less of a stressor taking care of D3 if he was in fact supporting me as some of you say. But that's just not the case...
The way you write, you sound
The way you write, you sound like you might be from the UK? I'm not sure how Child Support works over there. I know in the US, generally, the more you have the kid, the more CS you get from the other parent. It could be that your SO doesn't want to have less time with SD because he'd then have to pay BM more CS. So basically the more you take care of SD, the more money he has in his wallet.
(I know there were a lot of acronyms there - I hope I was clear anyway!)
But personally, I don't know
But personally, I don't know how you are putting up with being pregnant, being treated disrespectfully by your partner, and caring for a toddler and a disabled pre-teen as much as you are. I think you could be ok with it all, if it was at all your choice, if you were appreciated and if it was part of the future you were building with your SO.
So far, it just seems like you're there to provide free child care - and he's 'trapped' you with a bun in the oven.
Thank you for your reply. I'm
Thank you for your reply. I'm from the U.S. so no worries... Everything you said was perfectly clear.
You do make a good point about CS--- every time I broach the subject of giving BM more days, he says he doesn't want to owe her CS. While that may mean more money in his pocket, he doesn't provide for me so there's really no benefit to me if he doesn't have to pay CS.
With that said, I don't know if "CS" is really just an excuse he uses to cover up a deep rooted control issue he has with BM. She fought him in court and he ended up with weekends in the beginning. I won't get into detail, but obviously the arrangements have changed now.
If it's the latter... I doubt I'm ever going to win. I can only put my foot down so much. And it's going to hurt me even more if I walk away and he's fine with just weekends for my child.
THIS
THIS
1. Clearly you missed one of
1. Clearly you missed one of my posts. For the last time he does not support me!!!
2. We didn't plan for this baby, but we are keeping it. So that's that.
3. We can afford a marriage certificate, but we both want a proper ceremony.
4. Even if he gets defensive, that doesn't necessarily mean I don't love him.
5. So while I appreciate you responding, your post was more critical than constructive.--- the ONLY bind I am in is deciding whether or not to walk away... because I love him, just struggling with future skids like so many people are on this site.
But if the guy can't afford a
But if the guy can't afford a proper ceremony, then how can he affrord another child? He's seeking more time with his kid in an effort to avoid CS. You want less time with the kid because it saves you all money. This guy is clearly struggling financially with just two kids. So having a third was a poor choice on his part.
This guy is making baby after baby and he isn't able to support them. When the dust settles, the kids will be the ones to suffer.
I have savings . SO does not
I have savings . SO does not give me money to buy anything I need. He pays the house bills, which he insists on.
I think CS is just an excuse for why he doesn't want to give up more overnights.
Spending 10,000$ on a wedding is a want not a need. So if we can put that money towards raising a child that would be better don't you think?
I want less time with D3 for many reasons. Financial is one of them, but not the most important.
He's made a lot of mistakes, but he's working a steady job now. Despite that, I know our future does not look rosy or promising.
None of your answers are actual advice. I want to know if I should stay or go. NO I am not stuck. YES, I love him.
Again I don't see any parents of EOWE skids who don't want their skid around for a SINGLE DAY recieving shit. So I don't understand why not wanting a toddler around 5 days a week where I end up doing work I don't want to do a problem.
My answer is advice Decade, I
My answer is advice Decade, I have and am living your life and I'm seriously telling you it doesn't get better and you need to go. Right down to the finances....I came into this with a new car, money and self respect, I have none of that left.
RUN