Fathers, help a new step mom out here please

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Hey everyone, I'm new here. I came seeking advice from someone hopefully in a similar situation to mine. I am a very new stepmother, so new that I still have not even met my step daughter in person yet due to ongoing custody battles. My concern is that my husband, the bio father, still bends and caves to the bio mother at her beck and call. This woman used him for 10 years for nothing more than a paycheck (he and I have been friends since before they even dated, so I know this personally) and when the relationship was about over she tried to trap him by getting pregnant. Obviously that did not work, but I don't understand why he still feels the need to bend to her. She treats him horribly, uses their child as a weapon against him daily and yet he won't stand up to her. Can someone please put my mind at ease, i feel like I'm second best to this horrible woman. I love him and his daughter more than anything, I just hate being in the dark about what runs through his mind. She constantly begs for money, and harassed him almost daily. He won't talk to me about it hardly at all because it frustrates me. I just don't understand, and he isn't explaining anything. I don't doubt he is faithful to me, I am just new to this and don't want to get off on the wrong foot when a child is involved. I am willing to do whatever it takes to ensure this little girl has a good life, but I don't want to stress myself into the hospital in the process.

Thanks

His ex is what is called a

His ex is what is called a "Golden Uterus".

Read article and then have your DH read it. It will open his eyes for sure. (It did my DH. His ex is also a GU)

http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/05/17/does-your-wife-or-ex-wife-have-a-go...

Also, regarding money. You may feel like it's not your business - but it IS! I also felt it was none of my business, but our marriage counselor made it loud and clear that it's MY money too and I have every right to know where it is going. BM's shouldn't receive a dime over child support unless it's something special.... like senior photo's, etc.

Another wonder article is "What Every Step Mom Wished Her Husband Knew". This article is excellent. It will also open your eyes and his eyes.

http://jilldeibel.hubpages.com/hub/What-Every-Step-Mom-Wished-Her-Husban...

Good luck! I've been where you are now and it's very hard and painful. But knowledge is power. Insist he show you some.

Thank you so much for the

Thank you so much for the links, they do help to put it into perspective. However, how do I talk to him about how he is handling the situation? My step daughter is only months old, she is not developed enough to know what is going on (thankfully) and I am hoping to be the positive influence on her. Her BM is totally a GU. She firmly believes all of that, but my hubby is right there with it right now. . What do I do? I feel like I am not as important because I did not give birth to the child, although he does care for me and I don't question that. It's driving me crazy.

What is it you are concerned

What is it you are concerned about? She will come over soon, unless he doesn't want her over. Here is what I have seen in this situation: BM wants money and control-DH wants his peace and quiet to move on with you. She will make your guys' life so tough until you both give up on the kid, then she will bad mouth you both to the kid, the kid will come over every time she wants money or a present, the. Cry to go home. Yo will both end up giving up on her. End of story.

Please, be supportive but stay out of it, BM will try to get you angry and upset and when you lash out at her endless stupid calls, she will use that against your household and tell the Courts that you both are alienating the kid against her due to your hatred for BM, then she gets the kid full time and you guys pay money but never see the kid.

I have seen it time and time again with friends.

The only way to win this is to spend huge amounts on the best attorney and never ever ever engage BM-especially you. You stay away, no talking to BM or about BM. Let him handle it.

This is great advice.

Thanks guys, I suppose what

Thanks guys, I suppose what bothers me is the fact that he does have to cave to her (either money, compromising on visitation days and times etc.) and yet I am the bad guy for pointing it out. I have told him to suck it up and be as direct towards her as he is with everything else in life.

Second, Echo, I appreciate your enthusiasm and understand that you only got a snapshot of my life and our relationship. Considering that, I won't hold your comments against you.
I don't have the time to draw out all the details of our relationship but I can tell you that I have not been allowed to spend time with the child, it wasn't because I didn't want to. They are still in a custody fight and I am staying out of it until that is over. I agree, it does feel like he is still bonded with her rather than me and that is part of what bothers me.

I also understand this is not a normal, cut and dry situation. That is why I was hoping to get some advice from some people who have lived through this, it is easy for onlookers to give advice on a situation they know nothing about and I don't want that.

If I need to stay out of it, I will. But I don't want that to pass as me accepting the fact he isn't treating her the way he should be.

I have lived through it for

I have lived through it for many, many years. I had to demand things change and if they did not I was going to divorce my DH.

I made it clear that DH needed to start putting MY needs and happiness over BM's.

We went through everything you have described. Over and over, year after miserable year. My DH was afraid that if he didn't give in to BM she would withhold the boys or haul him back to court. He bowed down to her every whim. I resented the hell out of him for it and eventually fell out of passionate love with him. My username is MarriedaBallesswonder because like your DH, my DH cared more about keeping her happy than making his new marriage happy.

You must DEMAND that he treat this marriage as his priority or it too will fall apart. He must also instill iron clad boundaries and never let her walk all over him again. She knows exactly what she is doing to him and your marriage.

I don't think you read those articles because there is a lot of very helpful info in them.

Here is one more article that is really wonderful.

http://www.examiner.com/article/man-the-middle-of-his-current-and-ex-spouse

I hope you take the time to read them. They are very useful.

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