some rules should apply in your home. but a curfew for a 20 year old? no.

rules about cleanliness standards, overnight guests, contributing to the bills, etc. make sense. but not a curfew.

That's a tough spot to be in. Yes. She needs to pay you back. You need to sit down and discuss a weekly or biweekly amount that she will work to and give you to pay you back. That should have been done when you gave her the loan.

Second, it's hard to keep a 20 year old in check. She does still live under your roof, but she's also gearing up for adulthood. Curfew at 20 is a little much to me but I was completely independent at 18 and living on my own, so my views are skewed, I'm sure. She's in school and she's working and she's learning about life. If you're strict now, she'll find a way to get out on her own and depending on what you want - that might not be a bad thing.

But yes, she needs to pay you back.

Does this change at 21 when she's allowed to drink? Then will it be okay? I mean, whats going to happen on her birthday - will your relationship change? Does she understand that this is because you care about her and don't want her to be put in an unsafe situation?

I don't think you're wrong.

When I was 21 living with my parents after my divorce (getting back on my feet) my parents laid down their rules night one.
No drinking IN their home,
No smoking AT their home,
'Rent' was 100$, had to be on time,
Curfew was 130 (my mom always said, nothing good happens after 1 am, so we didn't need to be out)
If I didn't plan on coming home I had to call/text, and tell them where I was, who I was with ect.

I thought they were bogus, I was a grown women. BUT I RESPECTED their rules, because;
A) it was their house
And I had no where else to go, so a few rules for staying with them while I saved money for an apartment wasn't too bad.

These rules stand for all my siblings that go to live with them.
They actually kicked my sister out for not telling them she was staying with a friend. They gave her a few chances before, more like 'warnings'... If you keep it up you'll be out on your as, kinda things.

Ultimately, your house your rules.

You bet your bottom dollar I had a curfew when I was 20 and living at home while in college.

My parents didn't have a curfew for me for the 6 months I lived at home after high school (while in college). But I also had enough respect for them to know that they would naturally worry about me if I wasn't home and they didn't know where I was. If I was going out for the night I'd let them know, and if I for some reason was going to be later than I had given them the impression of or not come home at all, I would send a text just so they didn't worry. They knew I drank but I never drove, and wouldn't come home drunk.

You have to let go that you can't control what she does, but at the same time she is living in your home and must follow the house rules. I don't think a curfew is necessary, as long as she lets you know what's going on so you don't worry. At the same time you can't be upset with her if she decides to stay out all night...as long as she tells you!

She's paying rent, going to school and working?

The rules should be she keeps her space clean and helps around the house by picking up/cleaning up after herself.

If she's coming in late, be quiet and do not disturb the household.

If she is going to be gone overnight, to let you know so you're not expecting her home that evening.

It's your home and she's renting a space from you. You can regulate any drinking, overnight boyfriends or parties as verboten.

She breaks the rules, give her thirty days to vacate.

My answers are this. If they are in school and working. You pay for the basics and they pay for the extras. You do not give a curfew. But, you do not get woken up in the middle of the night and if they are going to stay over, they let you know by a decent time. Other than that, you have to let them be. They can help out around the house if you like, but for me, as long as they are going to class and getting decent grades and holding down a job, what more are you expecting from them.

Now if this is not met, than let them live somewhere else. Stop lending money and that will stop most of your resentment.

Standards of respect and basic courtesy apply. If she is living at home she keeps her space clean, helps with chores, and keeps you updated on where she is, what she is doing, and when she will be home. Not at a detail level but at a level that you are comfortable that she is safe and can contact you or you her if necessary.

She is working full time and going to school full time. It appears to me that you have a very responsible and mature young woman on your hands.

I moved home when I was 21 and transferred to a local university. My parents expected basic courtesy and respect and that I keep my space clean, help when asked, and keep them informed when I would not be home from work at my usual time. Pre cellphone days so I would call from work or from a friends place if I was not going home after work.

My niece (20) just moved in with my parents. She is starting her Jr. year of college. My brother, SIL and their two youngest just moved to an overseas assignment. My niece spent her Sophomore year living at home going to a local school. She was on campus at another school for her Freshman year. My brother and my mom and dad aligned her with clarity on the rules of basic respect and courtesy. Call if you are not coming home at the usual time. If you come home late be respectful and quiet. Keep your space clean, help keep the house neat, do some dishes, etc....

So far she has done fine for the past 2 mos. We will see how she does now that classes have started. The big challenge is that she is a waitress at the hottest new place in town and is averaging ~$200 in tips per shift. She works 3-4 shifts per week so money is not an issue for her and she has enough to make it easy to not focus on school. That would be a bad thing and would get her evicted in a hurry. She has no bills except gas, insurance and her cell phone. Attractive young woman, iffy judgment, too much money = risky situation regarding focus on finishing her degree.

We shall see.

As for drinking. Your DD will figure it out. Make sure she understands your expectations. For my niece it is a problem. She grew up overseas in a place where the drinking age is 15ish (as did her dad and I). She struggles with understanding and maintaining compliance with our domestic alcohol laws. Fortunately she only has 6mos left to avoid MIP issues.

We did not have these issues with our son (my SS-22). He was not a partyer. We did force him to launch though so he enlisted in the USAF at 19 9mos after he graduated from HS. He is growing up the rest of the way on his own time and on his own dime in his own residence.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck.

YOu def need to give her either a curfew, or say a phone call or text to let you know where she is. not ok for her to make you worry like that. if she is under your roof, she owes you that.

If you don't give a kid living in your house rules, what is their motivation to move out? And yes, 20 is a kid if they are YOUR kid.

She needs to inform you if she is going to be out later than whatever time you would start to worry; at that age and where I live it would be about 1am. And I would not want to be called about that either; would want advance notice. If she is going to remain in your home at this age she has to accept that as a mom you are worried for her safety beyond that time and sure, if she were living away from home you would know nothing, but as she is home then you can't switch off your protective concerns that easily. Make it clear if you are coming from that angle and she ought to comply. As for the rest, I think your instinct is right.

At this stage I would tell her that you disapprove of her life style and she needs to move. This will leave less funds for booze, tobacco, marijuana, speed, ecstasy, etc. Also it will make a statement. You can quit worrying when she comes in late as you won't know.

She'll outgrow all of this, tobacco being the hardest. I guarantee you she won't listen to you and the harder you try the more adamant she'll become. Tossing her makes a huge statement that she is on the wrong path and consequences even worse could be down the line from work, police and society in general.

Imposing a curfew would be a waste of energy as she won't abide by it and you would have to sit up to enforce it.

Absolutely...your house, your rules. If you can't sleep til she's home, then she better have a curfew. My mother told me that if I intended to stay out after midnight regularly, I couldn't live there, so I moved out. BM just kicked SD23 out of the house. SD23 did not follow any rules, and BM couldn't take it anymore. I even told DH that even if BM makes up crazy rules like "kiss my feet before bed every night", since SD is an adult, she needs to follow them or get out.