Does anything end well with PAS'd step kids?
I met my DH when his kids were SD1 6 and SD2 5. We got along amazingly well and they adored me, referring to me as their second mom etc. This continued for around 18 months and then BMs influence came in. She would have nasty nicknames for me and make up lies telling the kids their dad didn't want to see them because he had me and that they didn't need to see me on visits as I was nothing to them. Things obviously deteriorated and when OSD told her Mom I'd physically hurt her when she was about 10 I wouldn't be left alone with them anymore. If any allegation had stuck I'd have lost my job and career and faced further investigation if I went on to have my own children. When DH and I had our 2 kids, SD's were very jealous (BM told them their Dad wouldn't love them anymore) and by the time our kids were 1&3 I couldn't take anymore. DH wanted to emigrate so I agreed. I was so upset at how mean they were to my kids on their visits (SDs were 14&15) and they would literally try and push in between their dad and myself.
Despite my DH having his dad and grandparents in the country we're in now, it was seen as all my fault. They said if we return then they will only see DH.
Has anyone had this (SDs now nearly 16 & 17) and found as they grew up everything came about? Thanks for reading!
Happens all the time.
Happens all the time. Children grow and learn about loyalty and divorce and get conflicted about their own parents. With Mommy pushing them towards hate its easier to go along. Don't take it personally and when they're visiting let them have Daddy and stay out of their interactions.
As for the adults if they're from countries with deep seated traditions about marriage lasting forever you'll always be seen as the transgressor. Especially Catholic dominated countries. Personally I think if you're happy where you are I would refused to go back.
In my case the answer is no,
In my case the answer is no, they don't come around. My SO's kids are now in their mid-twenties. They have been seriously PASd their entire lives. We had hoped that when they moved out on their own away from BM, things might change. They haven't. The skids have no interest in their father. SS hasn't spoken to him in years and wants no contact with him. SD will see him if HE takes the initiative and calls her. Otherwise, he doesn't hear from her for months at a time.
Culture can make a difference. In my SO's case, his ex's culture and heritage was the ONLY one - his kids learned her native language (not his) and her family took priority. So naturally when they divorced the kids didn't feel any connection to my SO's family or his culture. They could care less - it's as though they were IVF babies and had no father.
It has broken his heart. Sure, I try to keep him hopeful and say they may change someday. And they might. But I think it's like expecting a tiger to change its stripes - won't happen because the very foundation (skin) is not something that can be changed.
In our case, the BM was a master at alienating the skids from their father and the entire side of his family. She indoctrinated them to think that their paternal side of the family, that culture and history, didn't matter. And so it doesn't.
Same here. DH just doesn't
Same here. DH just doesn't understand that he will never get through to them. BM has did a tremendous job. I only hope he can live with it if he ever does figure it out.
My SD23 has learned some
My SD23 has learned some truths about her mother. For example, she now knows that her mother is a lying, cheating, whore.
She needs her (lives with her) so it's not like she's going to do or say anything to her mother about the lies she's been told all of her life, but she doesn't hate her dad and they talk often.
"Has anyone had this (SDs now
"Has anyone had this (SDs now nearly 16 & 17) and found as they grew up everything came about?" No. I met SD when she was 14 or 15. Before DH and I got married, we got along pretty well. The night before we got married SD pulled a 'snit' because I asked her 'nicely' to pick up bedclothes off of the floor. It's been war ever since. She became more rude, spiteful and nasty with every year that went by. She will be 40 years old in a couple of months. I have read a few posts that SDs have improved as they matured, but most don't.
Yes, it is probably perceived as your fault because their father now lives in another country. Believe me - if you had chosen not to move to another country you STILL would have received the blame for all sorts of things but you would have been in closer proximity to them. Maybe you should consider yourself lucky. Your OSD sounds dangerous to me.
Thanks everyone. I guess I
Thanks everyone. I guess I was hopeful that in the future it stood a chance of changing.
I have been homesick a lot lately and have been wondering if I've made the right decision to move away from my family. Before we moved I was very ill with PTSD, hormone imbalance and situational depression - mainly caused by SD issues. I know there are many here who can empathise having read so many of your stories. Having the SDs out of my life was a big reason to move as I felt my marriage would have ended otherwise with the stress on it. I just don't want that to have any influence when I consider returning which of course it does.
Yes OSD is also smart and is extremely loyal to her mom. I always had more trouble with YSD. I never believed a child could be so manipulative at 5 so I kept an eye on her.
If we do return then would it be reasonable to suggest that my husband see them away from my home?
It certainly can come around
It certainly can come around but it takes partnership between the spouses in the blended family marriage and a unassailable commitment to making the marriage the priority above any children regardless of the biology of those children.
And facts. You can't forget the facts. The SKids must have the facts and truth of the entire situation including BMs vitriolic bullshit. The facts should be presented to the Skids in an age appropriate manner as early in their lives as is reasonable. No quarter can be given to the opposition. If BM is a lying manipulative toxic harpy then those facts must be presented to the Skids.
This worked well with my SS-22 and preparing him to protect himself from his useless toothless moron POS Sperm Clan. Now that he is an adult he is well prepared and armed to counter the toxic bullshit that the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool still tries to manipulate him with.
So, synch with your DH, give the SDs the facts of their toxic womb donors behaviors and focus on the health of your own children, marriage and family. The skids will get it and deal with it or they won't. Either way you win because you and your DH have made your marriage your priority.
Good luck.
Rags, you've been lucky and
Rags, you've been lucky and successful because you've been a united front and your spouse has faced reality. It's harder to do when the "parent" either doesn't want to face up to it or doesn't have the moral wherewithall to fight it.
My SO preferred to go along with BM's ways while they were married, simply because he didn't want to make waves. He was a young guy in his twenties raising a family the best he knew how. At the time, he thought it was great that he had a BM who had such a tight family with "close and loving" inlaws. He didn't realize that they were slowly relegating him, and his family, into a position of insignificance. That was his mistake.
That was his decision then but now, decades later, he is realizing the fall-out from that mistake. There is no way to go back and change it. His kids can't speak a word of his language, have no contact or connection with their grandparents, and ONLY aunts/uncles and cousins on his side of the family (the BM has no siblings) and quite honestly, his kids have grown into seriously emotionally damaged young adults, IMO.
I am doubtful that they can eventually learn the "truth" when they don't know anything different and are so damaged. They have been brought up to think that half of their heritage and identity - their father - is meaningless. No wonder his son and daughter have relationship and identity problems.
Her truth becomes their
Her truth becomes their truth...until they learn what real truth is....
Completely agree ... my SO
Completely agree ... my SO took the "high road" and it appears it's left him on a life-long stretch of desolate highway - devoid of his kids.
My DH is taking the high road
My DH is taking the high road as well and as a result has basically no relationship with the kids. It's like they are guests at a hotel.
I hate to say it but my PASed
I hate to say it but my PASed out skids are not currently close with either parent. I hope that eventually, they will realize. It seemed like they've both had moments of clarity but it really hasn't changed much. I think they've gotten used to NOT fitting their dad into their lives.
My DH always took the high
My DH always took the high road which is clearly not the right thing to do. When he tried to explain to them that despite what BM had told them, that she had cheated on him when SD was 6 months old and consequently left DH for this man who she is still with, SDs sided with their mom. We have proof that it was her who stopped them seeing DHs mom but they said they didn't believe us and wouldn't read the letter. That's exactly it, they just revolve around BMs family although with no language barriers.
The YSD was manipulative last time I saw her and OSD was unpleasant. She ignored BD who was 3, played with her toys (she was 15) and told her she couldn't play with her. Then the very few occasions she would talk to BD and BD quite fairly wasn't keen, she would go upset to DH saying BD didn't like her. Sob sob!
DH certainly didn't stand up for me or our 2 kids much in this time. I know that's part of the problem.
I will check out that book,
I will check out that book, thank you.
I guess I also feel resentful
I guess I also feel resentful towards DH as he was reluctant to speak to them about their behaviour. I still feel that now even though we moved a couple of years ago.