So counseling Thursday didn't go so swell again. SS14 has apologized to DDs but has yet to apologize to my DH and I. Counselor says this really needs to be done...it's been going on two months now and the longer it goes on the harder it will be. Hanging really needs and deserves an apology, don't you agree Hanging? I looked at her and shrugged and said, "To be honest, at this point, I don't know how much it will really mean anymore. I don't understand why it's so hard to do the right thing when you know you did the wrong thing. I don't understand why we need to come here for you to tell DH that SS really needs to do this. I don't understand how it's supposed to mean anything to me when SS needs to be pushed into apologizing. I don't know that it will make any difference to how I feel about SS at this point. He hasn't apologized, and his only loss and consequence has been no phone...otherwise, he comes and goes as he pleases, gets to enjoy his friends, xbox, etc. So why should he apologize anyway?" DH gets upset with this because I'm not going to forgive SS for what he did. Well when it takes two months, and pushing by someone to do the right thing, sorry what is there to forgive? To me, SS doesn't give a shit that he tore our family apart. SS doesn't care what he did to me, my DDs or our marriage, so what impact has it had on him anyway? Sorry, but at this point an apology from SS certainly will not feel genuine and remorseful. DH gets angry and an argument occurs in front of the counselor. He keeps his attitude that makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong for SS's actions and keeps pushing and I, although I hate to admit it, lost it. Just lost it. When DH says "nothing is going to be good enough, what the hell should we, or I do?" my response, in pure anger and frustration was, "maybe just get the F out of my life" It was wrong to say that. I lost control of my emotions. I went there and said something very hurtful out of anger and spite and I'm not proud of it. DH left and when we met up at home, he came to me and hugged me and said, "I'm sorry I left, I shouldn't have walked out. What you said really hurt me, but I should have stayed" I responded with, "I'm sorry I said that. I should not have lashed out, but this roller coaster is getting old, something has to be figured out, something has to be done." It was a tense night, I left and got my hair done and had a couple drinks with my mother, came home and it wasn't brought up again. Fast forward to Saturday....

Saturday, DH and I are playing in a golf tournament with another gentlemen. It's a members only tourney we like to play in each year, this year it happened to be on a Saturday we had the kids. No biggie...SS12 was going to a fishing derby with his BM. (Because she's MISSING out on her week with him because he is going to bible camp with my DD12...but whatever). SS14 is going to GRANDMA's house...you recall, she was calling to see what he wanted to eat while there and constantly calling DH and driving him crazy? DS7 and DD12 were going to the beach with friends and DD14 was going to chill out at home as she had been at a sleepover party Friday night and was quite exhausted. So we are golfing and having a good time, DH gets a text from BM "what time does SS12 need to be home?" DH responds "by 9:00 pm" We would be home by then, and figured SS was maybe wanting to cook up his catch for dinner with BM and BM's bf. At 8:00 pm DH receives a text message from BM "I'll drop SS12 off at your mother's since you won't be home" Irritating...but okay...

So here's the issue...how did BM know we wouldn't be home? SS12 didn't know when we were golfing, or how long it would take, so how did BM know we weren't at home, and what made her think we WOULDN'T be home by the time we said SS12 should be dropped off by? On top of the fact that SS12 is more than capable to be home alone if we weren't, but my DD14 was also home...so still shouldn't have been an issue. We pull up to MIL's house at 8:42 (yes exactly, I checked the clock because when we pulled up...whose car do you suppose was in the driveway parked there....that's right folks...BM!!) to pick up SS14. Since BM's car is in the drive, I consider not going in...I don't care to see MIL and I sure as hell do not want to see the psycho bitch BM, however my DH wasn't sure if DD14 was still there as she had decided to go there for a little while (at the suggestion of DH who desperately wants to try to push my bios into a relationship with his mother, even though my daughters are old enough to know and see that MIL isn't really interested in them and is just fake to them) so I got out of the truck and went into MIL's house with DH. BM is in there, sitting down, gets up, give SS14 an overly dramatic hug (they don't usually hug...it's weird to me because I am very affectionate with my kids, however she is not) and walks past me, and says "bye" to MIL and out the door she goes. MIL is caught off guard with the fact that we were there and she got caught with that bitch in her home...AGAIN. So we gather up SSs and head home. Home by 8:58. MIL calls DH within seconds of us being home...of course to discuss the BM bullshit. I am just sitting on our deck, enjoying a cold glass of ice water and a cigarette (yes I know...not good but please no sermons...it's my stress reliever) and DH comes out of the garage and sits beside me. "What's up dear?" says my DH. I just reply "I'm just irritated...it's fine." I say this because I really don't care to get into a discussion about his mother AGAIN. And the reason I'm irritated is because I hear from him all the time, "You hate my mother. You don't want anything to do with my mother. Etc Etc" DefAnd yes I don't...and here is a prime example of why. Dh wants me to discuss with him my irritation, so I calmly look at him and say, "How did BM know we weren't home? And why does your mother allow BM into her home after she called CPS and filed a report that you were abusing SS12, my son7 and myself? After we had to go through an investigation (no findings were made obviously...just psycho BM trying to cause trouble because SS12 had a bruise on his shoulder from wrestling with DH, SS14, DS7 and DD12), the implications that could have affected you being allowed to coach your sons, my daughter and my son, implications that could threaten my custody of my children...after everything BM has done to you and your boys, and then the abuse allegation, why does your mother allow her in her home, speak to her, and maintain a relationship with her? This is why I don't trust your mother, this is why I choose not to involve her in my life. Doesn't it bother you that your mother does this?" DH's response was "Yes, but what do I do?" I told him, "Maybe you need to have a conversation with your mother. Maybe you need to tell her straight to her face, calmly that it HURTS you, that it upsets you, and that yes, she needs to choose a side. You are her SON. I'm telling you that as long as she continues to play both sides of the fence (she does it simply for the drama because she THRIVES on it), I will never trust her, and I will not ever be able to maintain any kind of relationship with her other than polite and cordial. That's just where I stand on it".

Okay...vent over. Sorry I took up so much space!