Just Let Her Go!!!
DH and SD15 had it out again last night! The trigger was that SD15 initiated contact with BM that she wanted to spend the 4th of July holiday weekend at her house. DH didn't like this idea, because idea because SD15 runs off to BM's for every holiday (I can see where he would be upset about that).
So, during the whole fight, SD15 just had the "I could care less...leave me alone" attitude, but DH kept going and going. There were a couple of sparks of hope for me when DH would tell her to just back up her crap and move back with her mother, but he would always go back in within a minute and grovel to SD15 that he wants a relationship with her, etc. DH was sitting there telling her how he is so afraid that if she moves back to BM's, he will never have a relationship with her! I found myself sitting there thinking why? I mean, I know the love of a parent for their child. However, if my bios treated me like SD15 treats DH, yeah it would hurt, but I would give up on the relationship! At some point, it has to become obvious that a person only cares about themselves, and a relationship with them is futile! You have to ask yourself if it is really worth all the pain! I mean, I would rather endure the short term pain of giving up and moving on, than go through the same crap year after year after year for who knows how long!
I mean, SD15 didn't even shed a tear about any of it...just sat there all smug saying she just wanted to move back to BM's. The only thing that even got a rise out of her was when DH asked if she had any clue why people at school didn't like her! What? How dare he! She didn't even respond when he called her a spoiled princess in her castle, but THIS...pointing out that people didn't like her...THIS got a rise out of her!
I even told DH at one point when he came out to just let her go...she is not going to change. He just ignored it and went right back in for more! By the end of it, they were giggling, and DH seriously believes yet again that SD15 has a heart and she really, really wants to try to work things out here. You mean like the other billion times? It is always the same! After one of these knock-down-drag-out fights, SD15 suddenly wants to be a good little princess and have a relationship with dad, and within 2 days she is back to treating him like garbage! Why? Because she knows she can!!! She knows his weakness, and she plays on it! In this case, he will not even get 2 days! BM is sending the "live in" to come pick up SD15 today. She will be gone for at least a week at BM's...well supposedly at BM's. I mean, I KNOW the real reason she wants to go there, and it isn't to spend time with her mom as she says. No...I'm sure there is some pool party with friends and boys...that is really what she is concerned about! I mean the only reason she even wants to go back to BM's is so she can do whatever she wants! The only reason she is even here is because the step-dad kicked her out for her crap!
I wish DH will just learn to let go! Yeah, it may hurt for a time, but it is better than being used as a doormat for the rest of your life!
he (like my fiance) doesnt
he (like my fiance) doesnt have a relationship with her now and probably never will. Where she lives is irrelevant, IMO, to having a relationship.
i think in the case of your DH he holds on so much because he has what, 2 or 3 sons that he failed with and has zero relationship with (or am i confusing you with TGIHB??) he probably clings to your SD more than most because he's probably ashamed and embarrassed at the failures with his sons.
My DH only has one
My DH only has one bio...SD15. He adopted BD23 and BS19, and he has a great relationship with the two of them. It is sad that his non-blood children treat him better...that they are better people. I even pointed that out last night...that SD15 is lucky as hell, but doesn't care to see it. BD23 never knew her father (had her in high school, and her father disappeared when I was 2 months pregnant), and BS19's father decided a few years after our divorce that his drugs and alcohol were more important that BS19. Sure, my bios are probably more thankful for DH because they know the alternative...so they are more grateful...SD15 will never understand what it is like to have a father who doesn't want to be in your life...to be basically abandoned. When BS19 was 17, he decided he needed to face his father, and did so. My ex apologized to both BD23 and BS19 for being a total a$$ when they were younger, and the kind of person my son is, he still treats my ex with more respect than SD15 treats DH...and my ex deserves to be treated like crap!
And you are right...SD15 and DH will never have a relationship...SHE DOESN'T WANT ONE! She has learned from BM that DH is just an ATM, and that is all she will ever see him as. And if she isn't getting her way, well, then she wants to leave!
Oh, no...she tried to give DH
Oh, no...she tried to give DH some crap that she wants to live at BM's because she has a relationship with BM...and doesn't really have one with him! BM has only ever seen DH as an ATM or a babysitter when she couldn't find anyone else. She never really viewed him as the girl's father! He has been trying for 15 years...trying harder than most dad's who are still married to their kids' moms to get to know his child. BM spent years playing blocker...SD15 had birthday parties to go to, didn't feel well, etc. The woman never wanted DH and SD15 to bond...and she succeeded! Yet, SD15 starts getting into trouble, and then DH is someone to send the girl off to when the step-dad doesn't want the girl in the house influencing his young son (and for good reason)! Problem is, BM is still very co-dependent on SD15, and begs for her to come back every chance she gets. I'm most certain that BM is trying to get SD15 to move back, because SD15 is complaining that no one likes her at this school, etc. Sorry if this small town isn't full of pot heads, and the people here will not put up with your crap like all the sheep at your old school!
So your DH continues to prove
So your DH continues to prove to his spoiled brat of a child that he's a spineless wonder who will let her do whatever she wants and he will continue to grovel, begging her for whatever scraps she'll throw him. Nice.
I frackin' knew it!!! I just
I frackin' knew it!!!
I just heard the front door, and thought it was BS19 getting picked up by one of his buddies to go work on his truck again (it is at his friend's who has a full garage). BS19 got in late last night after they spent all day working on the transmission swap, so I didn't get to talk to him to see how it was going...I was going to run out and say "hey" to him before he left.
So, I run out to see, and I see through the kitchen window (which looks straight out to the driveway from my bedroom/office door) and it isn't BS19 at all!! One of SD15's friends and mom is out there (yes...she does have a couple of people that still fall for her feel-sorry-for-me routine). The friend gets out of the car and gives SD15 this "I'm so sorry" hug (I'm sure you all know the hug...the kind of hug your mom or girlfriend gives you if you just broke up with someone, or someone dies, etc.). SD15 then gets in the car, and they leave. NOT A WORD. I call DH, because he thought BM or their live-in babysitter was going to come get SD15. He said that they weren't supposed to pick her up until later, and that SD15 hadn't said a word to him this morning about leaving. I told him..."Just letting you know what is going on."
He calls me back and said that SD15 did answer her phone, and claims the friend is driving her to BM's, and then starts the crap, "You don't ever trust me!" Really? When you just leave without saying a word? When you have such a history of lying? When you have a history of doing things you aren't supposed to be doing?
Sally...I'm so hoping that before the end of this summer, SD15 is back at BM's, and DH stands his ground and she NEVER comes pack here to live! This crap is just that...crap! Even disengaged it strains a marriage! DH is always in some sort of mood because of the way SD15 treats him, and her attitude toward everyone creates a certain atmosphere in the house. It truly is hard to live with someone who truly only cares about themselves! She doesn't even really care about BM! Seriously...one minute she will be saying that she wants to live with BM because she has a relationship with her, and the next she is talking about now flaky her mother is, and that her mom isn't worth much unless medicated, etc. I can only image what she says about us behind our backs!
your marriage will improve
your marriage will improve greatly with this girl back at her mother's. i will hold onto hope for you!!
Right before SD15 moved back
Right before SD15 moved back in with us, DH was supposed to start working out with me at the gym. That lasted for a couple of weeks, and then here came SD15! So now, I go by myself because we cannot trust SD15 home alone (yes..the answer to "you just don't trust me" is "you are right...we don't"). Things have ended up broken that she has tried to blame on the pets (funny how the pets ONLY break things when she is the only one at home...I'm here all day in my office while the pets run the house, and they don't get into anything). She has questionable friends, and considering she doesn't follow any of the other rules, we cannot expect that she will comply with the "no friends in the house when we are not home" rule. So, yeah...there goes DH and I going and doing anything alone because we literally have to find a babysitter for a 15-year-old! Pretty sad.
Otherwise, we have to bring SD15 with us, which makes me not even want to go, because it ends up being all about her and what she wants to do as DH tries to keep the princess happy! If we go to a movie...it's what SHE wants to watch. If we go to the mall, DH ends up buying more for SD15 than we do ourselves because she is all "I want" and "I need" all of a sudden (seriously...if we go to the mall ONLY to go to Bath and Body Works to get smell good stuff totally less than $20, we will end up leaving with like $60+ worth of clothes for SD15...which she really doesn't need because she has more clothing than she has places to put it...and she has a good-sized closet and a 6 drawer tall-boy dresser...DH will leave with nothing for himself). We go to Starbucks for an iced tea which is like $3 each, and she has to have a $5-6 Frapp! Or while we are out, lets get yet another new phone for SD15 to replace the one she broke AGAIN (I'm seriously shocked she has been made to use the current cracked screen as long as she has...and I worry every time we are out that DH will suddenly decide to replace it, which will cause an argument with us because I disagree...she has gone through more phones in the last 2 years than I've gone through in the last 15...and she doesn't even respond when DH texts or calls 90% of the time...so why are we paying for a phone). We go eat, take 2 bites, and disappear to the bathroom, then come back and say she is full...wasting the meal. Lets not forget being trapped in the car with SD15 for any amount of time while she goes on and on about how the other girls in guard suck and she is so amazing, etc.
So yeah...things would be so much more peaceful in our marriage with her gone, because we can actually concentrate on each other instead of Miss Princess Of The Universe! I refuse to call her a queen...lol...I have a saying I use when DH tries to call me his princess (which pisses me off, because that is what he calls SD15)..."I'm NOT a Princess! I am a Queen and I don't need rescuing! I got this!"
frappucinos are apparently
frappucinos are apparently the trendy new drink for teens. and yes, they are super expensive!
SD13 wanted one a few months back. my fiance said "i'll get it if you drink it all, i dont want it wasted" (she is NOTORIOUS for wasting food adn drink). i of course knew she'd never drink it all, its an adult coffee drink, but the dumbass bought it for her anyway because she said she "loved them" and would drink it all. she drank 3 sips and said "i dont like it, it tastes too much like coffee". :?
needless to say, she's never gone to starbucks again on our watch, with our money.
OMG YES!!! She never finishes
OMG YES!!! She never finishes them! Has to get all the crap added...and all those extras outside of the regular frapp cost. You go into her room a week later, and there is that partially drank frapp on a shelf stinkin' up the joint as the milk sours, and she doesn't throw it away!
We stop on Sundays on the way to church. I get a yogurt and tea...DH gets a regular sandwich and tea. SD15 is made to get the same thing as DH, but that doesn't stop her from trying. Last Sunday she was trying to talk DH into the fancy new croissant which is a $1 more just because of the fancy bread. Um...no! Now, some may say that is being petty, but for someone who wastes anyway, I'm not spending an extra buck on something that will mostly get thrown away either way. It is also the principle...SD15 thinks she is so above everyone, that it doesn't matter if she gets the most expensive things on the ticket...it's not her money!
And whenever you say no to her...instant attitude! Last Sunday, I wanted to say, "Then, you get nothing!" because when she was told no about the more expensive sandwich, she turned into a 2-year-old having a little fit! But, DH went ahead and ordered the usual for her while I rolled my eyes in disgust!
i agree - she should have
i agree - she should have gotten nothing.
I know...it is so
I know...it is so frustrating, right? Why take or order more than you are going to eat, and then waste the rest? I firmly believe it is another symptom of the entitled society we have in general, and people just don't get it! Waste not, want not is such an idea of the past it seems, but drives me totally insane! She will always pour a huge glass of milk, and not even drink half of it. She also dishes out more food than she will eat, and throws most of it away.
And it is everything with these kids...not just food! I mean, I remember as a teen scraping the last little bit of eye shadow or powder out of a makeup thing. SD15? Oh, she barely sees metal on the bottom...must have a new one, and that one goes in the trash! Or wash your makeup brushes? Why wash them when you can just buy new ones?
But that is the way society in general has gotten. Why buy a more fuel efficient vehicle or plan your trips to use the least gas? Oh, because it is their right to use as much gas as they want! Same with watering their yards to the point there is a creek running down the street. And the only thing that makes me totally sick on vacation (since we usually go on cruises) is how much food people waste! Food is all inclusive...so they pile those plates high, and leave most of it on the table when they walk away! It is almost like a hoarder mentality with food...no, they can't just go with a smaller portion and go back for more if they are still hungry...no, it is like they are afraid the food won't be there...so they hoard it up on their plate and throw what they don't eat in the trash instead!
omg i avoid the buffet on the
omg i avoid the buffet on the cruise for this very reason (and buffets are gross adn germy). these damn, unsupervised kids, will take 2 pounds of mashed potato and eat 2 bites and throw it out. disgusting, and i feel awful for the workers who have to see it, the majority of whom hail from countries were people are STARVING and they are away from their families to earn money to send home so they can eat.
EXACTLY!!! Most of the folks
EXACTLY!!! Most of the folks in the food service area are are from countries where there is no middle class. You have those with all the money, and you have those scraping to get by. They go to work on the cruise ships because the cruise industry pays so much better than any of the jobs they could get back in their country...but this keeps them away from their families. We always make it a point to get to know our wait staff in the dining hall and show then how much we appreciate them. One of our waiters this last trip...he has been on the cruise ships for nearly 20 years. His wife and kids are back home. He wishes he could see his family more often, but there just aren't the jobs in his country that will allow him to make what he does on the ships. Our waitress...her son was back home with her mother as she worked the ships to make money after her husband died, as there simply aren't many LEGAL opportunities for women to make money in her country. So, she works on the ships serving food and sends the money home to care for her child.
And here we are in the good ol' U S of A...with spoiled kids who get whatever they want and act like total brats if they don't! You take them on the ships, and it shows for sure! I often wonder what the staff thinks of us...I mean, so many people acting so entitled and treating everyone around them like crap. I guess that is part of the reason we always make the extra effort with our wait staff, housekeepers, etc. when we are on the cruise ship. We want to show them that not all Americans are self-absorbed bastards with self-absorbed bratty kids. Also, another reason I never want to take SD15 on a cruise! Don't want to add to the number of inconsiderate people on the ship!
I will never forget when our waiter almost cried at the end of a cruise. We gave him an extra tip over the standard gratuity...we always do with the folks who serve us directly through the whole cruise. It wasn't a lot...to us...but it was to him! His wife had just written him that their son needed shoes...his shoes fell apart...and he was trying to figure out how to get the child shoes to send home. He was so excited, saying he was going straight to the Wal-mart at port when he could get off the ship after dock so he could get those shoes home to his child ASAP, as well as a few other items of clothing for the boy! What didn't seem like much to us was so much more to this man because of the conditions back in his home country! Yet, he has to watch the waste every trip, and you know it makes him sick to his stomach when he knows there is barely enough money going home to pay for a roof over his family's head and food in their bellies!
exactly. we always tip our
exactly.
we always tip our steward a good chunk extra as well as our regular bartender (we always find "our" bar and drink excessively at it).
im sure they are disgusted by Americans. heck, i am! but they also know that Americans make their life possible with their money. but id love to know what gets said in staff quarters!!!