My husband and I can't seem to agree on what's appropriate with BM
I haven't posted in a while. Things have been okay. I still think my husband is too friendly with his ex, he still things i'm too sensitive.
But yesterday she called and texted him in a panic and left several message, "call me ASAP!!!" She always does that knowing that he'll call back because he thinks it's about their daughter. So he calls back and she tells him that she has breast cancer and she needs to talk with him about how to relay the news to their daughter. OKay, fair enough. But he was in a meeting and told her he'd call her back last night.
He called and turns out it's stage 0 pre-cancer (good news) and doesn't require any treatment, just close monitoring. No surgery, no chemo, no radiation, maybe some hormone pills. That's it! But she goes on and on about how hard it's going to be for her daughter to deal with "Mommy having cancer." I think it's a mistake to tell SD until BM knows exactly what's going on. SD will just worry. But BM feels strongly that SD should know everything now. My husband didn't argue with her about that, they talked for over an hour.
Here's why I'm upset, BM was calling earlier in the day from the doctor's office! I'm pretty sure my husband was the first person she called, she admitted that she just got the results and hadn't even talked to the doctor yet when she called him. I don't think that's right. I think she should have waited until she had all the info, talked with her daughter, and then given my husband a head's up so he's not blindsided by SD about it.
My husband thinks I'm being cold hearted about this. I just don't think he should be her shoulder to cry on anymore, even with something as serious as this. She has a boyfriend, she has family, she has friends. Honestly why is she calling her ex first?
That;s what I told my husband
That;s what I told my husband and he got really upset with me. Sometimes I just don't know if I'm being normal and reasonable about this stuff which is why i wanted to ask you guys.
Thank you for telling me
Thank you for telling me that. When i had my hysterectomy I didn't tell anyone either. I certainly didn't call any of my ex boyfriends! I think BM is looking for attention and creating drama and I am shocked my husband doesn't see it. He said to me, "come on, for once can't you see that she's a human being who just needs a little help?" He made me feel terrible for even saying that BM was being inappropriate. Then I thought he was right but now you all are saying you'd feel the way I feel and I don't know what to do. Mostly I'm just really upset for SD because BM is using her for attention and SD is really sweet and sensitive and she will worry so much.
I think it's a huge mistake
I think it's a huge mistake to tell SD that she has "Breast Cancer" if it is a stage 0. I see no reason to worry a child about their parent's health if it's not warranted. Breast cancer is very serious and BM is lucky it was caught so early and that her treatment may only mean some hormones and a few extra appointments here and there. If it progresses into further stages where BM would be having chemo, radiation, surgery, where it would directly impact her caring for SD I can see talking to SD in a way she could understand and keep her in the loop.
Next, you are not cold hearted in my opinion. If I got news like this from my Dr. the LAST person I would call would be my Ex-H, ewww. I would call my mom or someone in my support system, not that dickhead! My guess is BM likes keeping your DH tangled up in her life as a means to hang on to him in whatever fashion he allows her. What does saying I have cancer warrant a 1 hour phone call?? I could tell you in a few minutes this is my diagnosis, Dr.'s action plan, good bye.
When my husband got off the
When my husband got off the phone and told me it was stage 0 I googled it and told him that it's not even considered cancer, assuming that'd put his mind at ease. Instead he accused me of trying to make light of the situation. I'm not, I know it's scary! I had an emergency hysterectomy, i know that it's like to have serious health issues! The one thing my husband did that I do agree with is he said no when BM asked for him to sit down with her and SD to have a "family talk" about her diagnosis.
She is still emotionally
She is still emotionally dependent on your husband and probably wants his sympathy, too.
Telling their daughter about stage 0 pre-cancer is completely unnecessary and cruel. I can't remember how old your SD is but all she will hear is "cancer" and think that her mother is dying. How can they think this is a good idea? Idiots.
My SD is 5 years old. She
My SD is 5 years old. She will be so scared when she hears the word "cancer." Her grandfather died of cancer last year.
Exactly. That's a cruel thing
Exactly. That's a cruel thing to do to a child. A family meeting, whaaa? Apparently it's ALL about her and she wants to play the sympathy card for attention. I'm sorry your DH doesn't get this
She's a damsel in distress
She's a damsel in distress reaching out for attention and emotional engagement. Perhaps she's hoping this will shake him up enough to no longer deny his eternal love for the mother of his children. :sick:
I agree it is a mistake to tell SD. If it gets more serious, yes. To me this seems like an unbalanced person who is thrilled to have a reason to get all sorts of attention from others.
I am with you for the inappropriateness of her calling dh first, as well as him discussing it for over an hour "for SD." Seems to be some emotional ties lingering there and dh is allowing it.
Have fun with the BM who is going to throw in "how can you do this to someone with cancer?!" for the next 10 years or so! I don't envy you.
BM is unbalanced, i really
BM is unbalanced, i really think she is. Why can't my husband see this? That's worse than her behavior, my husband's defense of it. Then somehow I'm the bad guy for pointing it out.
I'm worried about that too,
I'm worried about that too, that this will go on and on even though she's not having surgery or treatment.
I did ask my husband if he still had feelings for her, why else would he keep picking up the phone when she calls like that? He said he never had feelings for her, that he'd be happy never to talk to her ever again but that he has to do it for his daughter.
After I posted here a while
After I posted here a while back I told my husband that I thought his boundaries with his ex were out of whack and that I'm sick of it. He gave me the silent treatment for two days. He keeps telling me I'm jealous and I keep saying that I'm not, that I just think it's unhealthy. The crazy thing is that we've been able to deal with her for a long time without any trouble. Mother's day really set her off for some reason and since then she's been totally crazy.
You know he's wrong. He's
You know he's wrong. He's deflecting, calling you names (cold-hearted), and trying to get you to agree with him by minimizing you / your view.
Can you tell him, "DH, I need for us to be loving towards each other to be happy. I want to be happy with you. How can we talk about this so that we both feel understood?"
People aren't made to live with power struggles, conflict, and unhappiness. Of course there's a risk that the other person will end the relationship - but isn't that more of a risk when one person is trying to control the other person? No one likes to feel forced into things, even if it's only accepting too much communication or frightening a little girl whose mom does NOT have cancer.
That's really good advice! I
That's really good advice! I will try that. We have SD for the next three weeks while her mom is away on vacation with her boyfriend so it will be hard to find time alone but I will try.
I dunno, I think I have a
I dunno, I think I have a slightly different take on this. One, I'm not sure BM is "using the situation to create drama", I think she's probably genuinely freaked out. I would be. (I have a friend who died of breast cancer though, so it's a sensitive subject for me.) It's unfortunate that she feels the need to tell your DH, but (and here's where I'm different) I honestly don't see why you care. Not being snarky, I just on a gut level don't get it.
I mean, if you were jealous I could understand, but you say you're not so.... why? Because they're not "supposed" to talk? I've never held much stock in "supposed to" unless someone could tell me why. You don't seem to hate her. Your DH seems to have no real feelings for her. So why is this bothering you?
I should probably say that BM occasionally talks to DH and tells him about stuff going on with her DH and boyfriends. (Yeah. She's married but still dates. Which nicely sums up why they're divorced.) Anyway, I love it when she does that because I get my soap opera installment.
I hate getting it from the kids because it's so tawdry, I'd much rather she told DH.
But the thing is, I don't actually have any feelings about her. Neither does DH. (Well, maybe some residual anger over being idiotic enough to stay with her as long as he did.) So I don't have any feelings about her talking to DH, and I sort of don't get why you would, if you really don't care about her?
Edited to add: Oh, and Stage 0 breast cancer has five-year survival rate of about 93%. Which sounds reasonably good until you realize there's a 7% chance she could be dead in 5 years. Worth an initial freak out IMO, and also definitely not "not really cancer".
I don't hate her, I hope
I don't hate her, I hope she's okay through all this. i'm not actually upset at her I'm upset with my husband. I don't think he should be available to his ex wife in an emotional way. it feels intimate with her because she's still in love with him even if he doesn't care about her. It's wrong. People get divorced for a reason. She has other people in her life to lean on. SHe shouldn't use her ex that way. That's just my opinion!
For what it's worth, I agree
For what it's worth, I agree with pretty much all of that. But she's an adult with her own ideas and opinions. So is he. Neither one is required to believe exactly what either of us believe. Maybe it IS a deal breaker for you, I don't know, but for myself, unless it's actually affecting me in some way it wouldn't bother me. That's why I'm having trouble relating to this I guess, because I can't see how her telling your DH that she has Stage 0 breast cancer affects you in any way. My own reaction would be "Oh, that's too bad. I hope she's ok" and then to forget about it, so I'm still trying to figure out why that's NOT your reaction. (Not saying you're wrong, just that I don't understand you! Unfortunately for you, it sounds like your DH has more of my mindset, so he probably genuinely doesn't understand where you're coming from either.)
I originally assumed that BM
I originally assumed that BM was single (not that it would make it anymore right) but after re-reading your blog, I noticed she is, in fact, in a relationship. Why on earth would she choose to first call her ex over her bf? Is her boyfriend just there for decoration? I honestly don't get it. I really don't.
Anyhow, i'm going through something somewhat similar and I just blogged about it yesterday. Got some some great feedback from the ladies.
http://www.steptalk.org/node/190888