Money & men's self-esteem
I met DH while he was divorcing classic NPD/GUBM who dragged it out to be an incredibly acrimonious awful experience that three years later we are still recovering from. She uses the two DSDs (8 & 10) as weapons to inflict pain and to try and wheedle money wherever she can. That is an entirely different post though!
Financially she gets the full 20% salary child support by private arrangement (although we have them all weekend, every weekend), she got all the equity in the former home (we had to use the sale of my tiny flat to buy a larger flat with a bedroom for the DSDs), a savings account (he got all the debt), the better car, AND 15% of his salary on top as spousal support. Everyone at the time (very much including all his legal team, family, me, friends and colleagues) told him not to give this extra element, particularly with her keeping all the equity, being of a young enough age to work and support herself, etc. I was working full time with a very good salary so we were able to absorb the cost of this decision (although I wasn't thrilled), but he promised me that we'd look to reduce this down the line. We thought it might go when she moved in with her boyfriend of several years (as stipulated in the order) - instead she moved just down the road from him so they live in separate houses, but are together most of the time!
Anyway, due to a major health disability I had to stop working two years ago, and now our finances are budgeted to the penny. BM has just inherited several hundred thousand from her mother passing away in the past year, works the 16 hours a week needed in the UK for a decent salary with loads of benefits (as, precisely as the lawyers advised, she had good qualifications and so easily got a good job), has all child benefit, which (together with child support and spousal support) comes to a net income for her of £4 1/2 k per month. DH's take home pay after all this is definitely much less than this (while he works very long hours in what, ostensibly, is a very well paid job - we just don't get the benefit of any of his hard work).
We watch her never spend any money on DSDs (classic threadbare, ill fitting clothes, no shoes, never bathed, nits, verrucas, athletes foot, thrush, no homework done), while she takes her boyfriend away every weekend, hair expensively cut & dyed each month, constant new clothes, jewellery, goes out all the time...I however live like a pauper. Our budget is stretched so thin (although he puts aside a whopping amount to entertain the children every weekend in classic Disney-dad way), I can't go to the hairdressers more than once a year, no new clothes ever, no going out for us, I can't see my friends as no money to travel/go out, and so on. We have now reached the point that, very much against all medical advice, he's pushing me to return to a very high pressured work environment to make-up the difference.
He has been saying for ages that he would revisit the spousal support element in five years from the order (which his solicitor advised at the time), when she is settled into work, her inheritance has gone through, etc. After a conversation about some other people we know at the weekend, he let slip that, essentially, he gets a huge amount of self-esteem from massively over providing for his ex (despite constantly expressing that she is a truly poisonous BM, wishes her ill will for the way she mistreats the children), as it not only assuages his guilt over divorcing her but makes him feel really good as a provider, and thinks the world really applauds him for this. It doesn't affect him at all not providing financially for me, and me suffering in many ways (including health wise as we can't afford things I've been told I need like specialist physio, a cleaner, etc - not just the superficial stuff). Trust me, his family, friends, colleagues have all expressed that he should be providing more for me/our life, but he dismisses all of that, but somehow thinks 'everyone else' thinks he's really great for doing this.
I was absolutely gobsmacked. I feel hugely betrayed by this, but he sees it as no problem at all. I don't know what to do.... He made it clear that talking on this subject is now very much closed as well as it is too 'upsetting' for him......
Wow. That's a big steaming
Wow. That's a big steaming pile of horse hooey, isn't it!! Nothing like a kick in the face after years of sacrifice.
I'd give it one more go. You've been married a while and no one wants to walk away in the heat of the moment.
But I think walking away is on the table now. How can things improve if nothing changes?
Thank you for your comments.
Thank you for your comments. Just to clarify a couple of things:
- in reference to the spousal support element, inheritance of a large amount is extremely relevant, and if put in front of a judge, this in and of itself would cancel out this element of ongoing financial support over and above child support
- in the UK, if you are a single mother you only have to work 16 hours per week to get approx £1,400 per month of a particular type of benefit. This is another reason she lives virtually next door to the man she calks her partner & 'family', but pretends as if she's totally on her own.
- we may have met during the divorce process, but he'd left her and was living apart from her, had asked for a divorce years before he & I met
You're quite right, I'm a
You're quite right, I'm a bitch because she's fit as a fiddle & can work 16 hours a week in a non-stressful job for (with the benefits), what amounts to a salary as if she worked full time at a highly stressful job, whilst I've had several spinal operations, bed-bound a lot of he week, paralysed down one side and on morphine for the pain, but should be driven back to work to make her life even *more* comfortable.
The thing about online forums
The thing about online forums like this is you hear from all sorts of people. Some people are the sort you'd cross the street to avoid.
That is, if you were able to get up and about. Sigh. I'm sorry for your illness. I've had my own health issues over the years and have a lot of compassion for the emotional toll being less than fit takes on a person.
>The thing about online
>The thing about online forums like this is you hear from all sorts of people. Some people are the sort you'd cross the street to avoid.<
Very nicely put!
Hi Buffy, I sympathize
Hi Buffy,
I sympathize completely. I too would feel betrayed and shaken up. Here are a few things that you may want to do: suggest that your husband read shrink4men.com. He will relate to everything on this website. He is the one who needs to unf*** his mental state, as moe's byline says above. Also, try couples counseling. If he won't go with you, go alone. You need to find a way to deal with this pile of horse manure for the next 10 years if you are planning on staying with him. It ain't easy.
Sounds like a overdeveloped
Sounds like a overdeveloped need to recognize "the mother of my children". Something which crossed even my mind on a few occasions even when it was clear she could be as evil as they come.
You've got a ways to go with the children being so young and one would have to worry about his transference of his need to support from his ex to his children which would extend it indefinitely. Perhaps a lifetime.
From the days when a man was the hero of the moment when he brought home a deer to the village until today a man still can take pride in providing for his family. I'm not sure its deep enough to call it instinct but it's certainly close enough.
Well with you out of the work force you're more dependent that you were before so you've got to consider that when deciding your future. Maybe its time to see if you can glean as good a deal as his ex got through divorce proceedings. At least its worth mentioning to him that you're considering it.
So YOUR disabled and he wants
So YOUR disabled and he wants you to GO BACK TO WORK to support BM's lavish lifestyle??? Tell him to shove it up his urethra.
I second that!^^^^
I second that!^^^^
Your DH sounds a lot like
Your DH sounds a lot like some of my managers here. If 10 people advise him on a course of action, they will still go against it because they don't get that "Warm and fuzzy feeling"(TM). They cherry-pick their advice too. So if only one person tells him something that he wants to hear, that is the advice they'll follow.
I've learned (the hard way) that the best way to deal with men like this is to learn to talk to them a bit differently then I would a normal person. With one manager in particular, I never, ever, EVER say the words "yes", or "Things are good" or "I have no problems". Should some bad issue come up, he'll throw it back in my face "But you said things were good!"
You are in a bad situation, and my heart goes out to you. Your DH needs to *see* that. If you are in pain, he probably just sees you as having an "off day" and thinks you'll bounce back. I'm not saying he is a jerk or he doesn't love you but he just refuses to see reality for what it is. Who knows? Maybe 1 person told him he is a good provider and 20 other people told him he should stop what he is doing and concentrate on helping you out. But like I said, because that 1 person gave him that "warm and fuzzy feeling" that is the advise he is going to run with.
"he gets a huge amount of
"he gets a huge amount of self-esteem from massively over providing for his ex"
I'm in the EXACT SAME BOAT, my dear. Biodad in my case has been overpaying his CS for over 10 years now and is proud of it, yet he is always overdrawing his account because there is virtually nothing left after paying CS and taxes to help me out. The BM has a fluffy do-nothing county job and massive benefits--her current husband makes a very good salary as well. They are constantly living the high life.
Biodad always goes around saying "I'm a GOOD dad because I overpay my CS" or "I don't mind if I have to pay CS till the day I die." He NEVER EVER mentions to any of his work buddies that he is being taken to the cleaners by CS lest they feel sorry for ME (or look DUMB in front of his friends)!!
It doesn't bother biodad in the LEAST that it is a burden on me, the bread winner, to support HIM whilst he pays "child" support. By the way, all three children are failing academically, yet go to all the FUN stuff and have all the FUN gadgets.
First of all, forget BM and
First of all, forget BM and her clothes, jewelry, etc. It's about as relevant to you as the Queen's. Your problem (as I think you know), is your husband. He's pissing away money being a Disney Dad (both at your house AND at BM's, no less) and is being fiscally irresponsible. So. What can you do?
I sense from your post that you are used to being responsible, taking care of your money and your bills. Stop that. Yes, I'm serious. You're not working - let DH handle ALL the finances and screw the budget. Spend what you need/want out of the accounts. Go to the specialist physio and have the bill sent to DH. In other words, spend his money as if he were not pissing it away. One of two things will happen. Either he will straighten up and fly right, and figure out that he has to take care of things in his own home before taking care of another. Or, he will allow himself to be financially ruined - and simply unable to give BM the money to which she's become accustomed (while you, meanwhile, take excellent care of yourself, get better, and therefore become employable again).
Ultimately though, if your DH is unwilling to discuss this because it's "too upsetting" (WTF, by the way???) then the only thing left for you to do is ACT. And this is the only action I can see that has a snowball's chance of instigating change.
Very good advice.
Very good advice.
I really appreciate
I really appreciate everyone's support and advice - it's given me some really useful, actionable things to think about. Which I will do, and consider how to implement. I very much needed to vent all the shock and hurt over it, and feel a little better to know I'm not alone
Sometimes I think these sorts of step problems have crept up on me (and all of us), like the proverbial frog in the pan. The water started heating up so gradually around us that we never noticed until suddenly we were being boiled alive!