Feeling so alone today
Yesterday was a difficult day.
I'm a first time poster, though I've read quite a bit of content here over the last few months. I have been dating a widowed man with a five year old daughter since December 2013. Our relationship started out amazing. I had honestly never been happier. He was so loving and affectionate, and so interested in me and made me feel really special. I met his daughter a couple months later, and she is a good (though admittedly strong-willed) child. We have a pretty good relationship most of the time.
Lately I have been struggling with my feelings of unhappiness over the amount of time, and the level of our interactions when we do spend time together. Then I also struggle with my feelings of guilt over having this feelings in the first place! I want more time with him, I want more "couple time" (even if this is just going out to dinner or a movie once a week), and I want more affection/quality time when we are together. Our interactions used to be "What do we want to do today?" and now it has become "Hey. XX and I are going to do this today. You can join if you would like." I feel like I have no say whatsoever in what we end up doing.
Yesterday he asked if I wanted to go to his friends house while the kids played. Since we had just recently done this and it consisted of the kids playing, him and his friend talking, and me feeling left out sitting there alone, I said how about they went and then they came over to my house and I would make dinner and we could watch a movie. They ended up doing that, however my boyfriend said he wasn't really hungry, so most of the food went to waste, and he was pretty quiet the whole evening. I tried to broach the topic of feeling like we don't really spend as much time as I would like the two of us, and he said he was actually thinking that he was not spending enough time with his child, and wanted to be a better dad. That she had to come first.
Yes, I get it. It's GREAT that he wants to be an involved parent, and a better dad. She should come first. But why is it that in order for her to come first, I have to be made to feel like I come in last? During that evening the only display of affection I received was a quick kiss before he left.
Today we are supposed to drive an hour and a half away to go to a bbq at one of his friends so that the kids can play and he can spend time with friends. I honestly don't even want to go. I feel like an outsider. Normally I'd be sleeping right now, but I woke up and started crying.
I don't know what to do? Am I overreacting?
Sounds like this relationship
Sounds like this relationship has run it's course. It was fun in the beginning, but no so much now. It has only been 5 months. You're not, married, you don't have a child with him and you don't live together. Since he isn't willing/able to give you want you need, walk away.
Holly ~ I feel your pain. No
Holly ~ I feel your pain. No one wants to kept in the wind.
I am curious as to what type of quality time you were spending with him while you were dating. A 5 year old requires a lot of time ~ she has no mother to go to on the weekends. Does she spend time with BM's extended family ?? Your man probably feels bad for his daughter losing her mother. Going through life at such a young age without a parent is tough. My husband passed away 6 years ago ~ my youngest was 4. To look at her and realize she will never know what it will feel like to never be a Daddy's girl ~ is heart wrenching. His emotions are keyed up. I have been with my fiancé for almost 5 years. Love him to death but we make sure we spend time together it might be a 2 1/2 hour night out together just to have adult time. Together we have 5 kids.
You two seem to be in two different world ~ you are with a man who has a 5 year old n they do require a lot of attention but that doesn't mean you can't get a sitter and do dinner and a movie.
I think it's good that you are questioning the time you don't spend with him other than getting bitter and resentful towards the daughter.
I'd see about getting a sitter and making plans w him. Bedtime for the daughter and out ya go !
Nope, she should most
Nope, she should most definitely NOT come first. The adult relationship/marriage must be the uncontested priority for both adult partners. Kids are beneficiaries of that adult relationship but they are not a party to the relationship.
Kids are the number one responsibility but the marriage is the number one priority.
Anything less is destined for failure IMHO.
What is this man going to do when his daughter is a grown woman with a husband and children of her own if he insists on continuing to make her his priority. If your SO is commited to his philosophy of puting his child ahead of his mate then it is time for your to move on.
My bride and I are equity partners in our marriage that makes us equity parents to any children in our home regarldess of the biology of those children. In our case that was only SS-21. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo.
Sure, we did not agree on parenting all of the time but we were committed to keeping our marriage as the core of the family and the priority for both of us. We partnered in parenting just as we partner in our marriage.
SS launched 3 years ago and is now a self supporting viable adult and young man of character.
My bride and I are living an amazing life and adventure embracing our evolving status as empty nesters.
All IMHO of course.
It absolutely tickles me that
It absolutely tickles me that you refer to her as your "Bride" and not just "Wife". It's so romantic and cheesy in the most perfect way.
I am glad that my cheesyness
I am glad that my cheesyness entertains you.
For nearly 20 years my DW has been my bride and my pride. We both put in a lot of work to keep things eternally interesting between us. So far we have been successful in that effort.
This is a philosophy I witnessed between my mom and dad (52 years of marriage to each other and counting) and it sure is working for me ... and my bride. It is working for my brother and his wife too. They had their 20th last year.
So, I will proudly remain cheesy in a most perfect way.
RAGS is right, right right
RAGS is right, right right right.
Anytime a couple does not make their relationship a priority, the relationship either:
1. Is terribile, with partners resenting eachother,or
2. It ends.
I'm in the second category.
Never make someone a "priority" when you remain only their "option".
I'll never understand why parents feel that they are putting their children at risk in order to ensure their marriage is a good one. Happy spouses make the best parents.
Its time you walk away OP.
TBS, No doubt you are
TBS,
No doubt you are absolutely right. I was in a #2 relationship (double entendre fully intended) during my first fortunately brief (2.5 year) marriage. It quickly progressed to a #1 relationship on our wedding night and just got worse from there.
Thankfully my bride and I have avoided both the #1 and the #2 outcomes.
I hope you quickly become as of a priority to your SO as your SO is to you.
Take care of yourself.
Unfortunately these feelings
Unfortunately these feelings are exactly what I experienced with dh and ss. It built to a lot of resentment (hence the name) towards the two of them. That is why I am in the process of leaving. I should have done it a year ago so I know it's hard. Look out for you.
I've never understood the
I've never understood the people on this forum saying that a 2nd marriage partner takes precedence over children. This guy has a 5 year old and given a choice between spending time with a adult and his kid (whom I assume he sees every other weekend) he's supposed to choose the adult. As far as I'm concerned using both personal and learned experiences I think he should never have more than a girlfriend that he dates only when the girl is not around. He brought her into the world and he must concentrate on her until she's capable of navigating it on her own.
He's made his priorities clear and I think you should respect them. In fact I think he'll give you no choice. This relationship is young and although I'm sure you've conjured up a nice future together it simply isn't going to be. The child will always be a point of contention.
For all the reasons others have stated above and what I've just written I also think you gave it a good try and now its time to move on.
OCC, I understand what you
OCC,
I understand what you are saying. However I believe that an adult who puts children before their SO partnership will likely never have a quality adult relationship. Ever again. Entitled brat children are for the most part destined to be entitled brat adults who don't want to share daddy with a new bride or mommy with a new husband or even a GF of BF for that matter. Of course if it is a casual dating situation and not an SO situation things can certainly be different down the road when the right pairing happens.
Dr. Laura has a similar perspective to the one that you have. No relationships until all of the kids are 18 and out of the house. Not a philosophy I ascribe to but can recognize that it does have merit as far as protecting the kids from a toxic Sparent and a revolving door of "Uncle-Daddies" or "Aunty-Mommies".
I think during a post divorce detox period dating actively with a variety of partners is a great idea with the intent that there will be nothing more than casual dating and fleeting intimacy. I did it for 4+ years after my own divorce. Once I worked through my own emotional recovery I found myself beginning to date truly quality women several who would have made great life partners. Then I found my amazing bride.
As a no-BK guy I did not have the responsibility of a child to consider during my post divorce recovery efforts.
Once a relationship progresses to the point where either partner is intent on moving to permanent status it is time for the adult relationship to come first or for it to end.
In this case the likely outcome is for the OP to move on since her BF has made his intentions fairly clear. As you pointed out.
IMHO of course.
Agreed. This is too early of
Agreed. This is too early of a relationship for a life partner bonding to take precedence over a kid. When the relationship is right the priority should naturally shift from the kid to the partner/relationship.
Why would he only have
Why would he only have limited custody? He's a widower. I agree that the child has to come first. I also understand why should be frustrated. I think it would be okay if the child came first but she sure felt like she ran a close second.
They have only been dating
They have only been dating for 5 months.
While things were great at first, the guy may very well feel the OP isn't the one. It's possible he's fine with just dating but isn't interested in building a lasting relationship with her. If that's the case, then putting his daughter first is the right thing to do.
"I tried to broach the topic
"I tried to broach the topic of feeling like we don't really spend as much time as I would like the two of us, and he said he was actually thinking that he was not spending enough time with his child, and wanted to be a better dad. That she had to come first."
^^I think you have your answer here.^^
While being a widowed parent holds different challenges than a divorced one, he should see that having an adult life separate from his daughter will actually show her that he can care about someone other than her so that when she's older it will be possible for her to have a positive relationship with the woman in her dad's life instead of demanding all his attention. Unfortunately your BF probably has guilt for his daughter being motherless. Some men obsessively search for a replacement mommy; some try to be their kid's everything. Looks like your BF has chosen the latter.
Maybe his opinion on this
:? :? :?
Maybe his opinion on this will change when he finds a woman he wants to marry.
He may very well date several women before finding the right one. Putting each woman he dates ahead of his daughter would be wrong.
How often are BMs blasted for putting a new boyfriend ahead of the SKs?
The little girl is 5 and has
The little girl is 5 and has no mother, and you have only been dating him a short while. Yes, his daughter should come first but if he can't make you feel special as well, he probably is not ready to date yet.
I think you both took on too much, too soon. Dating a man with kids is one thing, dating a widower with a young child is very different.
Thank you for your feedback,
Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it. I definitely wrote this at a low point. Though initially he seemed a little resistent, he has been making more of an effort, and he has not said the "this is what we are going to do if you want to join" since I brought it up. I feel like he is trying very hard to make me happy, while also being a good father. And I believe he is an exceptional father. I also love that he is a loving father, but also is not a permissive father, and will correct her behavior if she acts up. I love this man so much, so I get stressed out when I worry things are going "the way they should".
I think one of the most difficult things for me has been role ambiguity with her. Most stepparenting advice I have read has been "the child already has a mom, she doesn't need another one" sort of thing. With her, being that her mother has passed away, I can sense she is longing for a mother figure in her life. I'm not trying to jump the gun here - we have only been together for five months, but we are talking about moving in together, and I see a future with this man. I want to do right by both him and his daughter.
She has also started calling me "mom" and I'm not sure what to make out of it. I'm not trying to take her mother's place, and I'm not sure what she is thinking/feeling when she says it. At first I thought she was beginning to see me as a mother figure. Then, the other day, we were out and an elderly woman was asking her if she got candy at the parade. She said yes, and the woman said "well you better make sure to share with your mommy and daddy!" She responded with "Actually, my real mom is dead, but I pretend that Holly is my mom". The woman didn't respond (probably didn't know how to?), and I didn't know what to say either.
Now I'm confused what she sees me as, and why she wants to call me "mom". Sometimes she will go back and forth between my name and mom.
I also find that sometimes she is testing me, and I don't know the way to respond. I'm taking a "defer to daddy" approach when it comes to correcting behavior, as I think this is best for us right now. Most of the time this works, however when we are alone she tests me sometimes. The other day we were alone, and she wanted to look in my makeup box (which has a key attached to it that I never use). She wanted to lock and unlock it, which was fine. Then she wanted to do my makeup. I told her that right now we were about to have a BBQ, but perhaps another time. She took the key in her hand and said "well, you can have this key back when I can do your makeup then". I asked her for the key back, and she put it behind her back. I don't know if I responded properly but I said "XX, I love you, but when I ask you to do something, I need you to please do it." She gave me the key back, but I sensed she was mad about this.
I just hope I'm doing things right, and I wonder if things will get easier or more difficult with time.
Having a young Skid or
Having a young Skid or partner’s child call you "mom" or "dad" is a double edged sword. On one hand it is flattering and speaks highly of you that the kid trusts and loves you to give you that honor and title. On the other if you are a transient presence in that kid's life it can be heartbreaking for the kid and for you.
I am the first person my SS-21 ever called "dad(dy)" His mom and I started dating when he was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo.
Now that he is nearly 22 I am the only REAL dad he has or has ever had which he very readily tells anyone that happens to be in a related discussion with him. I am "Dad" and his Sperm Idiot is "Gangster Dad". When he is sharing dad stories with his friends they will occasionally become confused if he fails to give the prefix of "Gangster" before "dad". He will frequently tell me that his friends freaked out when he was telling them a dad story but does not make it clear which dad the story is about.
e.g. "Dad got arrested for groping a 15yo at the mall the other day." He says his friends flock to defend me when he forgets to clarify which dad he is talking about. "Your dad would never do that!"
As my Skid was growing up, and even now, when someone comments how much alike we are or how much he looks like me we both just smile and say "Yep, thanks for noticing."
I do not have a comparable experience the one you have as being a partner to a widower. In some ways it is probably much easier than dealing with a real life toxic BM/X and in other ways far more difficult because you have only an idealized and romanticized concept to be compared to.
If you engage with your SO and your SD and work to create a partner bond with your SO and a family bond between the three of you it should work out just fine.
Don't forget to take care of yourself in all of this.
Good luck and best regards,
My dd has taken to the
My dd has taken to the calling my fiancé Daddy ~ which at first stopped me dead in my tracks. Because you only get one Daddy ~ but she sincerely knows the difference. Daddy daddy is up in heaven n when it comes time to make things for Father's Day at school she makes two. On my husbands birthday ~ we do what we call a balloon launch ~ where my children each get their own balloon n write a letter to their daddy and we release the balloons. It's something special for them ~ there dad is never forgotten.
My in laws had an issue w my dd calling my fiancé daddy but come on people do you really think I am just going to eliminate their father from my children's lives ~ never would I do such a thing.
Her being so young ~ she knows she has a mommy but looks to you as you are her mother figure.
When fiancé & I got together ~ he didn't met my children until I knew he would be a constant in thier lives ~ I didn't want him to be in n possibly out of their lives. We said ~ we needed to be in it to win it ~ together for the long hall.
This is great perspective for
This is great perspective for you to have and the right one in your circumstance IMHO.
My bride shares the same situation with your children. Her natural father was killed in a car accident when my MIL was less than 2mos pregnant with my wife. My MIL married her second husband (My FIL and my brides Dad) when DW was 2mos old.
Fathers day for my wife is always a bitter sweet day. She celebrates with her dad and grieves for the natural father she has never known. When she was younger she and my MIL would do something together a day before or after father's day for natural dad. Father's day was dedicated to my FIL by all of his children. My bride is the eldest of 4.
We are completing an adult adoption right now which will be my brides gift to her dad when he walks her down the aisle for our vow renewal/20th anniversary celebration next month. My ILs did not do an adoption when my bride was young because natural dad's parents were still alive and .... adoption when my DW was a minor would have ended natural dad's VA survivor benefits to my MIL and DW.
Now that my brides paternal GPs are deceased and her Uncle and Aunt on her natural dad's side have been supportive of the idea we initiated the adult adoption to make my FIL my wife’s dad officially. Interestingly OR will change DW's birth certificate to reflect my FIL as her father due to the adoption. Not all states require this.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your story regarding your deceased husband, your kids and their new dad/your fiancé.
As other's have posted its a
As other's have posted its a different ball game when the biological parent has died. It's a whole different set of guilts and upsets along the way that makes it that bit harder in the sense that you arent going to be getting time off from her when you are with your boyfriend.
However on the other side of that, you dont have the BM judging and potentially alienating. For a child to loose a parent at a young age is nothing short of tragic, not only are they denied that relationship but it often leads to building that deceased person to be somewhat of a hero (which is a bitter pill for those that know otherwise) so I am not saying for a minute that it is a "good" thing that her BM is dead, just that there are pros and cons to every scenario.
The balloon idea is a great one, I am a great believer that if children are unfortunate enough to loose a parent then they should grow up still knowing and most importantly being comfortable talking about them.
Personally I wouldn't worry about her calling you mum, particularly if she was able to state the reality so bluntly, let her call you what she is comfortable with if you are ok with it. If you dont want her calling you mum then have a conversation about it with her. Just you two, doing girlie things and explain to her.
Thanks to you both for your
Thanks to you both for your feedback. I feel like I am a bit overwhelmed even though I shouldn't be. There are times when I think it's pretty easy, and then there are times when I begin to question my ability to be a stepmom someday. I feel compassion for her, and can't imagine how difficult it will be growing up without her mother. I hope to be there, and see her grow, and love her. I want to do right by her, and be someone she can look up to and trust. But I also know she will always have hurt in her heart for the loss of her mother, and that's pain nobody can take away. I think as she grows she will process her loss in different ways, and it will be difficult.
You can never replace a mom, and I wouldn't want to. But I can be her Holly. 
I'm still conflicted on the "mom" title. I know she knows I'm not her real mom...she very much understands that. And I don't mind whatever she calls me...whatever she is comfortable with. I just don't want to be disrespectful to her mom, even if she isn't with her anymore.
Holly, Nope, you can never
Holly,
Nope, you can never replace mom. But, hurt fades with time.
The only even remotely comperable experience I have was the loss of my youngest brother. I was 9 when he passed. He was 11mos old. He is very clear to me and I remember his frequently though not so much the sadness of his loss but the happiness of his smiles.
My mom and dad have adjusted. It has been more than 40 years since he passed away. His birthday is a sad day for mom and dad and there are a few other days throughout the year that are sad for them regarding the death of my brother.
But, they were able to deal with their pain and be great parents to my surviving little brother and I. I am sure your BF has difficult days regarding the death of his first wife. He will likely have those days far more often than your SD as she was so young when BM died.
I suggest that you let SD lead the Holly Vs Mom title progression.
My Skid chose dad for me and even when the Sperm Clan took exception he and I kept it between us as far as what I would be to him.
Take care of yourself and enjoy your developing family.
Thanks for the kind words,
Thanks for the kind words, Rags, and thank you for sharing about your brother.
I feel like there are more hard days than usual lately, mainly because everything is becoming so real to me. We have spoken about moving in together, with me deciding that I would like to wait and give it a little more time. Still, I am spending almost every evening after work with my SO and his DD. I spend much of the weekend with them too. It's all a lot to take in, and sometimes I feel like a failure if I'm not doing things "perfectly". I am not patient enough. I am not always warm enough. I am not acting like a mother. I am acting too much like a mother.
Constantly I feel the pressure is on, and I recognize that nobody is putting this pressure on me except myself. Still, it's a lot to take in. But then we have really great days, and I know in my heart that I don't want to give up on everything. I know that my heart would shatter into a million pieces if we decided to end it. I love my SO very much, and I love his DD too. It's harder with her, but I have to remind myself that she is just a child. She is not a mean, rotten child. Sure, she says mean things at times, and she can be rude and inconsiderate...but she's five years old. All children can behave this way at times.
Before I met my boyfriend I had a strict policy that I would not date a man with children. It wasn't because I didn't like children, but because I had great fear surrounding the situation. What if his children didn't like me? What if I bonded with his children and then we didn't work out? What if I never grew to love them like I should? But I refuse to allow fear to govern my life.
I will surely make mistakes, and I will never be perfect no matter how hard I try. I will have my moments where I don't think I can do it, and I'm sure I'll beat myself up about it. But to me this IS worth it. HE is worth it. THEY are worth it. I just have to work through my fear and frustration. Nobody ever said this would be easy, right?