Smoking in the house, what would you do?
SD17 has been living with us for a few months. Just after she moved in, I caught her smoking out the window in her room. I was more startled than mad at that point - I didn't even know she smoked! So I told her "no smoking in the house" and mentioned it to DH. (He told her smoking was a stupid thing to do, but if she had to do it to at least go outside.) We didn't hit the roof or anything, just laid down the ground rule.
Last night I had to get something out of her room (my 5 year old's jammies, he got sick). Her room REEKED of smoke. She's at school right now, but I'm unsure how to handle this when we both get home. On the one hand, I sort of get why she did it - she tore something in her knee and she's on crutches, stairs are tough right now. On the other though, we told her no smoking in the house. I'm a little pissed off.
I just don't quite know how to handle this. Remind her of the rule and let it go? Some sort of consequence? Grounding? Just let her dad deal with it? Mostly I just don't want it to happen again!
Advice? What would you do?
She was given the privilege
She was given the privilege of being able to smoke so long as she followed a single rule: Do not do it in the house.
She broke the rule. Privilege is gone.
Try again after your 18 kiddo... in someone elses house.
Yep Yep, there must be
Yep Yep, there must be consequences. She knows what the rule is, but she did it anyway.
Oh I take down doors to. Now
Oh I take down doors to. Now putting them back up....I leave that to DH. It's a pain in the A$$. I agree take the door down!
I'm an avid door taker Dtzy
I'm an avid door taker
Dtzy The Door Taker- I will take any door, off any hinge!
Same here! A door is a
Same here! A door is a privilege not a right!
"Maybe that will motivate her
"Maybe that will motivate her towards that end as well instead of being nearly 30 and still living at home sneaking butts"
Jesus, my heart stopped! I wouldn't let my OWN 30 year old kids live with me, let alone an skid!
I just wasn't sure if I was over-reacting, in wanting some sort of consequence. But I think the consensus is that I'm not. Yay!
>He told her smoking was a
>He told her smoking was a stupid thing to do, but if she had to do it to at least go outside.<
Not to mention that it's a fire hazzard!
Oh and that's what actually
Oh and that's what actually pisses DH off the most! She puts the butts out against the side of the damn house!! (You can see the black mark.)
She disrespected you and your
She disrespected you and your DH regarding the rule, but she also disrespected your home. There is a lesson here that she needs to be taught.
I agree about taking down the door and taking away the privilege that allows her to disregard the rules but in addition, I think she should be expected to contribute something extra as a punishment (I realize on crutches that may be difficult, but I'm pretty sure I could fold laundry while on crutches) If you live in someone else's home, you follow their rules. When you are 18 and have your own home, smoke away.
Off with your door said the
Off with your door said the Queen.
It had occurred to me, and it
It had occurred to me, and it is remotely possible. It was *awfully* strong smelling though, throughout the whole room not just near her or the laundry basket. *sigh* She just got off punishment for lying to her Dad, I hate to "set her up" by ASKING her if she was smoking.
Yup yup yup...OFF WITH THE
Yup yup yup...OFF WITH THE DOOR!!
If DH is so set on letting SD17 smoke, maybe he should invest in an e-cig for her. At least with an e-cig, you don't risk burning the house down from poorly discarded ash or butts not being put out right away. I don't know about your SD, but with SD15, her room us such a disaster zone, I'd be afraid of something catching fire if she was sneaking smoking in her room.
Not only the risk of fire, but SD17 is damaging her own health. All the more reason to try to convince her that is she MUST have her fix, e-cigs are the better way to go.
Not to mention, there is a good possibility that SD17's room wreaks because of her clothes! I know when DH used to smoke...before the e-cig...my bathroom would always smell because of his clothes in the dirty clothes basket.
This is one of those times
This is one of those times when "disengagement" backfires on me. I like SD17 - she can be a normal self absorbed teenager, but mostly she's a good kid and I think she's going to be a great person as an adult. But I don't parent. Like, at all. I never have, and I have always made that perfectly clear to DH and the girls from day one. (Even "Can I have some ice cream?" I answer "It's fine with me, but ask your dad.")
So I talked to DH. I told him I was absolutely NOT OK with SD smoking in the house. I suggested the door thing. However, he wants to give her one more warning and tell her if it happens again she's grounded for a week. Since I've always deferred all punishments to him, he feels (and probably rightly so) that this is his call to make. *sigh* If it does happen again, DH is the one who's going to be in huge trouble, and I let him know that!
I think there are some issues
I think there are some issues with skids that look like parenting but aren't necessarily. This is one of them.
The lesson she has to learn here about respect? That's parenting.
The part where she's smoking in your personal space? Not parenting. Just basic human interaction. Your space, your rules. She doesn't get in your space and wreck it for your enjoyment without a consequence from you. You're not parenting her, you're enforcing person-to-person boundaries.
Now that DH has wussed out on you, you need to find another punishment from you for her. I'd go with natural consequences - SD, your room reeks of smoke. I don't like the smell which is why you're supposed to be smoking outside. I want this room scrubbed and looking and smelling ready for a photoshoot by the end of the week. You made the smell on crutches, you clean it up on crutches. I will fetch and carry for you for up to one hour between x:00 and y:00 on xyzday, if you want. Otherwise, it's up to you to get it done.
I LOVE this, thank you! And
I LOVE this, thank you! And you're right, this can totally come from a "non-parenting" place. This is a simple, "Hey, you made my house smell. Please take care of that, thanks." Which actually IS something I would say to a favorite niece who did the same thing, so it works for me!
I like that you pointed out
I like that you pointed out that when the skids infringe on the personal space, it isn't a parenting issue, as much as it is a "respect my space" issue! This makes me feel like I'm not going outside of being disengaged when I tell DH he needs to have SD15 pick up her crap, do her dishes, not put her trash on my kitchen counter. The rules of this house are that of "we all live in this space, we all take responsibility for this space". When it comes to dishes, trash, her crap, I'm not expecting anything more from her than I would a roommate or a person renting a room from me.
When you look at it that way, the OP has every right to say she does not want smoking in HER house. That may be the skid's room, but who pays for it? Who's name is on the deed or lease? If I were renting the room, I would expect the renter to keep it clean to a point where it would not draw pests into my house, or emit smells. I should be allowed to expect the same from SD15!
SS16 told me he doesn't want
SS16 told me he doesn't want me to be his mom. I said - Don't you worry about that. I don't want THAT at all, BUT some decisions do affect me and I will make them.
THIS situation wouldn't be a negotiation...I'm for door off.
Actually, he started smoking (when he was 15) and went outside for a smoke before school and came back in the house. I said - just take your stuff and go to school...you don't get to just 'go out for a smoke' in this house. Just go to school now. He's never 'gone out for a smoke' here again.
My adult brother lives in my
My adult brother lives in my house (long story). My home office is directly next to his room. One day I smelled cig smoke (I'm a smoker too - who only smokes outside). I told him several times, no smoking in the house!. He obliviously wasn't listening to me. When I smelled the smoke coming from his room, I took my fire extinguisher and pointed it under his door and sprayed! Needless to say it made it made a mess in his room. Never had a problem since.
I hate ciggarets and its
I would constantly smoke in the apartment, but my parents are categorically against it and it infuriates me very much. They just unjustifiably hate vaping and I can not convince them that it's safe. I first tried vaping two years ago and I really liked it. I bought myself a very cool vape and for a long time used it secretly from my parents, but then I told them about it and they said that I can smoke vape only on the street. I smoked the most expensive and delicious vape liquids and bought them from www.aquavape.co.uk but even their smell irritated my parents and they continued to believe that it was dangerous.
6yr old thread
I periodically forget to check the original date on some threads that float when someone comments on a many years old post.