Dealing with a jealous BM
I'm new here and I'm new to the step parent world. My FDH and I found out he has a son a few months ago with an ex-girlfriend. Apparently she got knocked up when they were still together. Ever since we found out about my SS, the BM's driving me up the wall. She keeps throwing it in my face that she and my FDH have a child together. She keeps bringing up romantic details of my FDH and her past relationship to my FDH. She even asked my FDH if he was interested in having more kids because she certainly was. She said this in front of me. IN FRONT OF ME. She was a teenage mother and their relationship crashed and burned. It ended on a horrible note. My FDH refers to her as the worst ex that he's ever had. My FDH and her never married or anything, but dear god why the hell is she still holding onto this?? Their relationship ended years ago.
I've been brushing it off and not letting it bother me for the first few months, and my FDH and I have always discussed it. He pissed at the stuff she's doing and all it's doing is making him hate her more. It's causing a lot of tension. He's even brought it up to the crazy BM that all this stuff she's been saying is inappropriate and she needs to stop. She's still doing it regardless.
I'm still trying to get used to all this. I'm still trying to form some kind of bond with my SS now. I perfectly understand that I'm not his parent, and I don't want to replace his mom at all. I just want to be a good step parent. I don't even know the appropriate bond to form with a SS, if that makes any sense at all. But this BM isn't helping at all. She's just making things worse between her and my FDH and me. I act polite for my FDH's sake, but should I step up and say something to her even though FDH has already told her to stop? I'm getting sick of this shit.
How old is the child? Your
How old is the child?
Your fdh needs to go to court to get a visitation agreement set up that specifies holidays, birthdays, when the child will be with mom and when he'll be with dad.
You also need to google our family wizard and communicate with bm through that.
This child is two, getting
This child is two, getting close to three.
The two of them mediated and signed papers not too long ago and it's about to go before the judge. So far, the two agreed to once a week visitation for a month, then one overnight visitation each weekend per month, then going onto a regular visitation schedule. This visitation schedule is the typical every other weekend, every other holiday, etc. The two of them agreed to have meetings so FDH could meet his son. They both mutually agreed that I could come along and be a part of the meetings so the child could get to know me as well. It's even in the papers that they agreed to let me come to the meetings. There's been a couple of meetings, but every single one has had some sort of drama.
What is this family wizard you mentioned?
http://www.ourfamilywizard.co
http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/
Next time she says something,
Next time she says something, and make sure this is in front of mediators at the visit because you want this public,
"You do realize that speaking about your past sex life in front of your toddler is highly inappropriate right?" And just give a slight smile and go back to whatever you were doing.
Stop going to the meetings
Stop going to the meetings and refuse to be around BM. Do not ask her to stop being an ass. That will just continue to confirm for her that she is getting to you. That information will just fuel the crazy.
Keep your distance and let your DF deal with her.
There has been a DNA test
There has been a DNA test right?
Absolutely do not have any, repeat any, contact with her. You tried to be nice, it didn't work, end of issue, question answered. His contact with her is minimal and confined to visitation issues and via email. In an emergency he can respond to a text but otherwise text and all phone calls are ignored.
Let the visitation order you mentioned go through. But in a few months Daddy will probably find that she's continuing to try and disrupt your lives so he'll have to go back to court and get a order requiring that all communication be via ourfamilywizard.com as linked above or some similar web site.
The key to this is his refusal to respond to any communications except the minimally required to accommodate visitation.
What you allow will
What you allow will continue
Sounds like fdh secretly likes the attention/drama. I'll admit, I kinda like the drama in my life too. I'm not saying its HEALTHY but its entirely possible that on some level he does like it.
Anywho - he allows bm to talk to him about having more kids, their past relationship, etc without walking away or hanging up or ignoring her texts/emails or what have you.
Unfortunately, its entirely up to him to respond to her in an appropriate manner which is ignoring her completely.
Theres not reason for either of you to talk to her whatsoever:
@anon2009 is on the right track - do ourfamilywizard.com and leave it at that.
BM is still holding on to dfh for some reason, you need to make her move on.
He needs to make
He needs to make communication only via email and not in person. She will not stop. You should not have any conversations with her at all. She is not your problem. She is his.
I never talk to BM. In 9 years, there has only been 4 email exchanges and that was because I was mad as hell about something she did. Nothing good comes out of those and I know that now, but she was meddling with In-Laws in a couple of them and another one accusing me of overstepping at the volunteering at school. I have her son full time and she has my SD full time.
Stop all communication now. Do not be there at exchanges. Stay in the car. Or else get another person to do the exchanges.
If you pitch a fit it will
If you pitch a fit it will encourage her.
Your FDH getting angry is encouraging her.
You have two options
1) Ignore.
2) Make her WANT to stop on her own.
How? Well see most people do not want to be the butt of any joke.
Next meeting set this up with your FDH ahead of time. When she starts the inappropriate talk... YOU giggle.. your FDH needs to groan and pull a $5.00 bill out of his pocket and hand it to you (effectively showing he just lost a bet).
Next time, reverse, you "pay" him and he laughs.
Let the woman realize she IS a joke between you and your FDH.
This is absolutely wonderful.
This is absolutely wonderful. And for everyone out there wondering, yes there has been a DNA test. It came back that my fiancé is the father. There's not really any overnight visitation yet, one meeting that last for several hours each week. I know it's dumb, but I still kinda want to go see the child at these meetings, and it is entirely my own choice as to whether I want to go or not. It's going to be at least two more months of these once a week meetings before any form of overnight visitation begins. UGH.
She is trying to get under
She is trying to get under your skin...and it is working. She is his past. You are his present.
As far as your bond with your SS, I think a lot of SMs have success with the "fun aunt" type of bond.
For the high-conflict BM, I would suggest:
1. You stepping back. This is not your child. It is their child. It is not your stress. It is theirs. YOU did not stick your dick in crazy. HE did. She may act like you don't bother her but obviously you do. And she isn't be subtle at all about it.
2. Your BF needs to set some strong boundaries IMMEDIATELY. Have him read up on parallel parenting. My DH got a No Contact order put in the court order because of BM's harassment. That would save YEARS of stress.
3. Hopefully your BF can see the wisdom in going written contact only. That way you have proof if you ever need to take her to court. Or she takes HIM to court.
Agree with others. I have
Agree with others. I have never, NOT ONCE, heard of any time when the smom (or future smom) "said something" to the BM about her behavior and got ANY kind of good response. It inevitably results in things getting worse, not better. Don't go to meetings, don't interact with her at all. She is not your problem. You can support your FDH without making yourself a target.
As for your relationship with SS, I think you're starting out with the right attitude - you don't want to be "mom". There are MANY posts from people here who start off very enthusiastically jumping in to "help" and end up resenting the skid (or their spouses) because it's a totally thankless job. Your FDH is the parent - let him figure out how to be one. You can help him with things when he asks if you want to, but don't get into a pattern now where it's expected! Let your relationship with SS develop naturally too, don't try to force what you THINK it should be. (I'm one of those who's had good luck with the "favorite aunt" type role, by the way. I treat the SDs like I would favorite nieces, and I think that's helped us have a good relationship. But I went into it pretty open minded and just sort of let it happen as we got to know each other.)
Good luck, and stick around! You'll find lots of support and good advice here!