This is sooooooo common.

1. The BM sends the skids over in rags, weather inappropriate or ill fitting clothes
2. SM feels sorry for skids and buys them new clothes
3. Clothes end up back at the BM's never to be seen again.

If biodad is reasonable and not TOO far up the BM's patoot, then you can do the strip method. Skids strip upon arrival and change into wardrobe you provide, then change back into clothes they came in when going back to the BM.

Biodad in my case was NOT reasonable and I lost thousand of $$$$$$$ in clothes and toys that ended up in the infamous BM's black hole.

It was only when biodad bought an expensive famous sports team tuque for YSS that went back to the BM did he see the light. The BM and older PASlings mocked YSS for wearing it because it had biodad's fav sports team logo. YSS took the $30 tuque and threw it out in the snow. Biodad found out, was enraged, and still has it to this day. He also noticed other items of ours thrown out or given away. Of course the BM taught all three to be ingrates!!

Part of my disengagement involved me no longer feeling responsible for my skids' clothes or shoes. DH can buy that stuff for them, or not, but either way it's no longer my problem. I buy everything my two boys need, and that's it.

Our BM's house is a black hole, too. Every item of clothing or pair of shoes that goes over there will (1) never come back, or (2) it comes back totally trashed in some way (stained, ripped, or just destroyed in some other goofy way), or (3) it comes back MONTHS later when it no longer fits the child it was purchased for.

Most of the time DH sends them to BM's in decent clothes and shoes, but they come back in stuff that doesn't fit, and shoes that aren't fit to wear because they're either too small or just disgusting. They always come back in underwear and socks that are full of holes and torn up.

DH doesn't ever say anything to BM about it, and I'll be damned if my hard-earned money is going to support this stupid cycle!

I stay out of it. Completely. I don't even make any remarks about it.

Disengagement...It's AWESOME!

same here.

In the past few months MIL has bought tons of stuff for SD, really cute, like Banana Republic, Gap and J.Crew. This kid comes over in gross ill fitting and trashy stuff.
MIL thinks that as long as she buys things, SD will be dressed appropriately. riiiiiight....

The ONLY thing I've said since xmas, was, "nice bra." She is 14 and in this ridiculous off the shoulder number that showed a stained yellow should-be-white bra.

I take zero responsibility for this kid and her trashy self.

My MIL gives us hand-me-downs that are nice from BIL10 but doesn't buy exclusively for my SS. She knows there is zero we can do about BM dressing him because BM dresses him based on the day. For example, I showed up announced at the school one day as DH asked me to drop something off for a PTO lunch he signed up for and I saw SS I swear you'd think he came from a dirt poor family, a few days later I took him lunch as DH wanted me to show him some videos he didn't want to send to BM because he knew SS would never see them and he was dressed all nice in a polo, good jeans, his boots, hair gelled, all of it and it wasn't picture day.

My mom will buy clothes for SS but I try to ensure those don't go to BMs. DH never buys the clothes but I have got to wear I add the amount to his part of monthly bills he deposits in the joint account when he gets paid.

I think we have finally got most of our stuff back from BM so I have started dressing SS in his school logo tshirt, and may use a old shirt MIL I gave us for exchange days since she returned the school shirt yesterday and he goes back to her tomorrow. I dress SS most mornings so I try to monitor stuff.

It is ridiculous though.

The Sperm Clan did this for years. We would send SS on visitation in what we bought and he wore at home. Quality clothing and many name brands.

He would come home in Walmart special clothes and thrift store/flea market stuff and his nice stuff would mysteriously disappear in to the black hole of Sperm Grandmas house and surprisingly show up on the Sperm Idiot's three younger also out of wedlock spawn by 2 more baby mamas in family pictures.

We finally started adding lost clothing to the quarterly bill we would send for their share of medical costs not covered by insurance. We brought it up in court occasionally and the stuff would start to come back with the Skid after a visitation trip but usually by then it was too small and worn out from the Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs using it.

Interestingly Sperm Grandma would flip a bitch over something she would send him home in. An ancient powder blue women's ski jacket that was hers. The car seat they bought for SS when my DW and the Sperm Idiot were still together when SS was first born. When that stuff was long gone she would get nasty and vindictive.

The funny part, she would bitch that SS did not need the nice things we bought for him and that it was not fair that the younger Sperm Idiot Spawned half sibs did not have nice things. Miraculously the $110 then $130 per month in CS that Sperm Grandma and SPerm Grandpa paid to my DW on behalf of their DipSHitIot son over the first 9 years of the CO managed to pay for countless $thousands worth of quality clothing, band instruments, etc. When we filed for a review and amendment of CS and it went up to $385 that somehow managed to pay for boarding school tuition, Rx eye glasses, school trips, etc..... For some reason dollars paid in the form of CS from the Sperm Clan are worth far more than regular dollars. :? :O

Quit sending anything back to BM with the Skid. Nothing. She leaves your home with only what she brought.

IMHO of course.