SD17 in SO much trouble
I've posted before about my 17 year old SD and her 21 year old boyfriend. (DH has primary physical custody.) We've had some concerns for a bit. So Saturday, SD17 was supposed to sleep over a friend's house. Sunday morning, DH tried to call her and her phone was off. That girl's phone is NEVER off, she can't live without it. So DH called BM, asking if she knew anything. BM called the friend. The friend said she wasn't going to lie for SD17 "any more", and SD had spent the night with the boyfriend. (Obviously not the first time, since the friend implied she'd lied before.) DH and BM both hit the roof! I swear it's almost funny except that The Drama is spilling over on my and our bios.
SD17 is grounded for 2 weeks, DH signed up for a service that lets him block both incoming and outgoing calls and texts to a particular number (so SD can't talk to the BF), she won't be allowed to "sleep at a friend's house" for the foreseeable future, and the relationship with the BF is going to be severely curtailed.
The only reason they're not just telling her she can never see the guy again (which they originally did) is because SD said she'd run away. She would too. The idiot would actually throw away college, her future, her family, everything. As it is she's still making noises about going to a "shelter", and saying she's moving in with the BF this summer and that she's "done with" both DH and BM, she's going to "get emancipated", yada yada yada. She's not contrite at all, just rebellious!
I've been offering DH emotional support of course, but I'm looking for any new ideas on how to deal with SD so she doesn't throw her future away for this guy unless she gets complete freedom to do whatever she wants. Help??? Anyone go through this with their own kids or skids? Or was anyone like this as a teen???
Let her go. Seriously, my sd
Let her go.
Seriously, my sd was 17 pushing 18 when she lost her frigging mind. Moved out, in with BM breaking two different court orders, even got to spend a few nights in jail..
It took her about a year, but she pulled her head out of her ass and is now a totally different kid and a joy to be around!
Well, if you want to let her
Well, if you want to let her go, I would do it with the caveat that she doesn't come back. No do overs. If she wants to be an adult let her have adult consequences.
Is 17 legal where you are?
Is 17 legal where you are? Have his ass arrested if it isn't. Other than that you guys have to parent her. Keep her on lockdown until she's 18. "I'll run away" "I'll kill myself", *sigh*. A seasoned parent isn't susceptible to those manipulations. CTBB used to threaten self harm, I'd just be waving my hand in the corner like ,"hellloooo this kid whimpers at a PAPER CUT or a STUBBED TOE"!
I feel your pain. My bios are
I feel your pain. My bios are all grown, and I remember clearly the struggles when they realized the power they have over their own lives. I was not a super-strict mother, but I also was doing it entirely alone and logistically just could not be. I tried to raise them with good core values; and, in the end, I can say I was successful! They are all very happy, well-adjusted, independent kids. But it wasn't an easy road at times, especially with the girls. They seemed to figure life out much faster than my son did (boys are generally happy if you keep them busy and fed). My oldest daughter pretty much hated everything about me for several years. I never would have imagined the day she somehow morphed into a best friend; but she did. My younger daughter was extremely smart and definitely realized at some point that she had legs, she could walk if she wanted. I still wonder at times how I made it through some of those years without killing someone. When there is a boy involved, they will stop at nothing to be able to be with him.
I honestly believe you can only raise them so much, sooner or later they do start making their own decisions and they stop caring much for your approval. The approval of their friends and boyfriends is what they are after. But if they have those core values to fall back on, I think they really won't stray far from them. They may push them at times, but they do remember who they are supposed to be.
I wish I could offer you more helpful insight, but I have none. It was hard. In fact, once I became a SM, I talked to one of my best friends and told her how hard it was. Many times over I've heard her words to me in my head, "Well, was raising your own kids easy? Then why would you think being a stepparent is going to be easy?" Truer words have never been spoken. Of course, being a SM is difficult for entirely different reasons.
The good thing about being a SM, though, is this is not your battle to fight. Let the people who instilled, or failed to instill, those core values in their daughter handle the problems.
I think I feel a little
I think I feel a little different than most here. The girl is 17! The parents are coming down on her like she is 12 years old.
Honestly...I would get her on some BC and inform her of the importance of condoms alone with other BC.
Is she about to graduate?
She is on BC (I pick it up
She is on BC (I pick it up from the pharmacy anyway), and no, she's a junior. But (as I said a bit further down) it's not the sex, it's the lying.
Not much you can do. She
Not much you can do. She will do what she wants. My attitude is cut her off financially now and hope she comes back someday with a Mea Culpa. That is what we are doing with my SD18.
Ps dad might want to call
Ps dad might want to call boyfriend.
Drop the "statutory rape/interfering with the custody of a child/ harboring a runaway/kidnapping" etc words to the guy and he will likely run for the hills himself
SD stayed at her BM's last
SD stayed at her BM's last night, and BM confiscated her phone. Apparently the BF called BM and said he had "a right" to talk to SD. When BM pointed out that she is 17 and in fact he does NOT have that right, and also that she is a minor, he called her a profanity and hung up on her. Yeah. Real winner right there....
No, it's not the sex thing.
No, it's not the sex thing. Honestly, I don't give a crap if she is (as long as nobody adds any more babies to my house! DH and I have 3 ages 5 and under, NO MORE KIDS). No, the punishment is for the lying. DH trusted her, she lied and did it very well. He can't let that go, or she'll just get the message that she can walk all over him.
As for my state, I looked into it. 16 is the "age of consent" in theory, but the cop I talked to said if the parents felt any type of coercion at all was present (and she's under 18) then he could still face charges. And it wouldn't matter whether SHE said there was or not. (Again, I don't care about the sex thing. Her mom does I think - she already has one grandbaby from a teen daughter!) Also, before she's 18, if she does try to move in with him he can be arrested. While I personally feel actually having him arrested would be a bad move (she would FREAK), I also think it's a useful lever to get her not to do it. If she KNOWS he can be arrested, she's unlikely to risk it.
No way would DH (or BM) just let her go though. And... I kind of feel they're right. Yeah, she's "almost" an adult, but she's not there yet either legally or maturity-wise. And while she's a kid it's her parents' job to try to give her the tools to be the best adult she can be. Moving in with this guy, not furthering her education (god knows if she'd be a HS drop out), giving up her family - these are not the tools she needs. So if there's a way to prevent her from doing that, I think they're probably right to do it.
Amen Any! A dose of reality
Amen Any! A dose of reality is in order. Why do these skids get to keep these phones when they're such assholes?
Let her go now. Yes I'm
Let her go now. Yes I'm serious also. Forget that police stuff it won't help and may ruin a boys life who's only doing what every boy wants to do at that age. Daddy should make no attempt to contact her and take off that silly no-call device. She just uses a friends or buys a throw away.
If he's got the guts to cut her loose it may shock her into reality especially when it comes to buying food and paying the rent - none of which Daddy will be helping with. Forget about the "no coming back" threat. Every kid gets one chance. No bouncing of course, out and back one then next out is permanent. Daddy can straighten this out if he ends all of the reasons for her to rebel. In todays world its a fight he can't win and he could push her far enough it could be a decade before she reappears if then.
With luck by the end of summer she'll have seen the light and get on with college. If not there is always next semester.
Every study comes up with
Every study comes up with slightly different numbers, but a recent large scale study using a nationally representative sample of just under 14,000 US adolescents found that by the age of 18:
•75% of people reported having had vaginal intercourse
•67% had engaged in oral sex
•11% had engaged in anal intercourse
http://sexuality.about.com/od/sexualhealthqanda/a/How-Many-College-Stude...
I was surprised at the lower oral sex figure as I had the impression that oral sex was todays good night kiss in todays high schools. I think the "Ewwww factor" must be at work there.
Stories like this are
Stories like this are endless. If the guy is employed/schooled etc. etc. he's a good prospect.
A lot of points (and I have
A lot of points (and I have an update), so I'll respond here....
OK, as to the BF - punkin is right, there have been other issues with him. He refuses to spend any time with SD's family, and often pressures her to spend time with HIS family instead of her own. She has completely alienated her older sisters over this guy (literally, she won't even speak to them because they dared to question whether this guy was good for her). He's unemployed, he had a job for a week and then quit because his boss "was a jerk", but that's it for the 4 or 5 months we've known about him. From FB posts we've seen he is jealous and controlling (warning all other guys they're "not allowed" to be friends with her because she "belongs to" him). He doesn't particularly treat her well, he stands her up (she actually gets ready and then he just never shows, no call, no text, and I do not AT ALL understand why she puts up with it as it's not like her) on a semi-regular basis. MAYBE, if we actually got to know the guy, we could see that our fears are unfounded. I have my doubts, but maybe. But he has steadfastly refused to come to the house, so we *don't* know him.
As for checking with the friend's parents, the girl is actually her cousin who is 19, and doesn't live with her parents. She and her baby (and baby daddy, when they're not fighting) have their own place. The cousin has been telling us that SD was staying there - it was only THIS time that she finally said she's tired of covering for her.
Now the update. We talked to SD last night and together came up with something everyone can live with. She is definitely grounded for 2 weeks and will not see the BF for that time period. Once the 2 weeks is up, she has a curfew (before she didn't have a set time as long as she told us when she would be home), she will be home for dinner on school nights, and she will only sleep at BM's or our house. In addition, the boyfriend, once her grounding is over, will start coming to our house so DH can get to know him. If he does not come in to the house, she will not go out to see him. She agreed to all of this because DH made one concession - she got her phone back and will be allowed to talk to the BF even during this next 2 weeks. On the whole, I feel like that was probably the right call. By making that one concession, DH got her to agree that the rest of her punishment is fair. And I DO agree with the people who said (in essence) that trying to tell her she could never see him again would backfire, so she's going to talk to him anyway. Might as well be on DH's terms! My (somewhat sneaky) hope is that the 21 year old boyfriend will get tired of fighting to control a 17 year old who has parents to prevent it and he'll move on to another (more easily controlled) girl. My other hope is that SD17 will finally get tired of his crap and dump his ass, but I'm not holding my breath for that.