Please give me your opinion

Forums:

My SS is 19 years old. I have been his SM since he was 6. His BM died when he was 4. We have always had a good relationship and he was my best little man for many years. Unfortunately he "fell in love" with a girl over a year ago and everything changed. She has a reputation in our small town of being very promiscuous, troublesome and dabbles in drugs. She comes from a broken family, where the mother has never set any boundaries on her children, nor set any rules for behaviour or respect. We tolerated the relationship for a while, hoping it would fizzle out. He asked if he could bring her to our home in order to meet us and have dinner with us, so to please him, we agreed. She arrived, went into the front room to watch a DVD with him, while I was in the kitchen cooking dinner. The doors were not closed between rooms. I walked in to say dinner was almost ready and she's in there giving him a blow job. I was and still am gobsmacked! To me, there could be no lower form of disrespect from either of them. From then on, we voiced our dislike and disapproval of her and eventually, after a few weeks, she cheated on him (surprise, surprise), so they broke up. We went away on holiday for a week in December last and had arranged for SS to stay with a friend of ours. He pleaded and begged to be allowed to stay at home, swearing that he was going to prove to us that he had turned over a new leaf and that we could trust him unconditionally. So, we did, to our peril. As soon as we were gone, he had "her" back over in the house, he didn't go to school for the entire week and he had other non-desirable people staying in our home and using it, for a better word, as a brothel. (I found all the relevant evidence when we got home). I was devastated. Everything went downhill from there, so just before Christmas, we told him either he dump her and start showing respect for us and our home, or get out. He said he wouldn't dump her, so we told him to leave. He demanded the money I had put away for his college fund (over 4,000) and moved into a house with friends of his. I've seen him once since Christmas and he acted like a complete ass, demanding this and that. I got a text last week from him asking if we could meet up for Mother's Day and I really was choked up for a short while. However, 2 days later we find out that he has paid for a holiday for him and her, next month to Greece. Yet he couldn't put the money together to buy his father a birthday card last month. I was very angry and sent him a text saying his actions were pathetic. I also called the girlfriend a tramp in my text. I know I was wrong to do this, but I can never see her as anything else, never. Well he fired back at me calling me a pathetic bitch and telling me that I could forget about Mother's Day. Please help me, people. I am feeling so down and depressed about this. DH doesn't want to talk about it (as usual). Part of me still sees that lovely little boy there, but realistically, he has become so influenced by her and is a different person. He has done lots of other undesirable things too since he met her, but the BJ is the big thing for me - I just can't get beyond that, it was the most disrespectful thing he ever could have done to me, his parent. Should I be feeling angry? Should I contact him again and try the gentle approach. (Although I did that in February and he was horrible, on the morning of a family funeral). I think I'm going insane with misery over this.

Tog, I may sound awful but I

Tog, I may sound awful but I cannot apologize for insulting her. She will always be nothing but a complete tramp in my eyes - what she did in my home was disgusting. I also found FB messages from her where she asks him to take part in a threesome with him - and her words were a lot more descriptive than I'm using here. She has encouraged the complete destruction of our family. I cannot even speak of her using her first name. I will get in touch with him perhaps in a few days just to let him know that I still love him and to say that I'll be here if he needs me, but I can never apologize for calling her what she is..

I agree with you

I agree with you keepitsimplestupid. He is very much to blame too. When he was confronted about the Blowjob incident, his reply was "well she knows no better". But he definitely wasn't raised to carry on like that and he DID know better. So of course we are devastated that he would behave in such a way. Unfortunately, her mother allows such behaviour in her home where there never were any boundaries or rules. My DH is blaming the girl 100%, but I'm definitely not.

I, too, had to give up caring

I, too, had to give up caring for my now estranged SD17. It is a long, difficult process and I am discovering I must mourn it as a death, where the person still lives. If the number of "years of the relationship to months of grieving" ratio is true, I am just now approaching the acceptance phase.

What I believe makes this worse, is that you cannot openly discuss this grief with anyone who has not experienced a similar loss. Even with a supportive DH (or DW) the loss is often misunderstood, if they haven't also been rejected by the child. Here's an article outlining the process with a few tips: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inside-out/201309/the-5-stages-griev...

I'm very sorry you're experiencing this pain. Tog is right about learning to accept (not approve!) his decisions now. It's beyond your control - the sooner you can learn how to accept this painful truth, the better for you.

Some tough love is called for

Some tough love is called for here. This story is thousands of years old and sadly encompasses bios and steps. Bear with me. Sunday we heard the story of the Prodigal son again. It seems so appropriate here.

Selfish kid (youngest son) asks for his inheritance and dad gives it to him. Kid takes off and squanders it all in "loose living" and that's when a famine hit. He takes a job feeding pigs which was the lowest of the lowest jobs back then (pigs were cloven and therefore thought to be unclean). Pigs are even eating better than he is while he works in the muck and filth.

Kid hits rock bottom and finally "gets it." Son says to himself, "How many of my father's hired servants have bread enough and to spare, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son; treat me as one of your hired servants.'" He goes back to father truly sorry [pretty much the key here in my opinion] and says to father, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son." Father forgives him and they live happily ever after. If only every story ended like that! Right?

We are still waiting for my SO's bio son (my SS22) to "repent" and return, but we don't hold our breath. In the meantime, it is a huge relief not to be in his mess. We went through the shock, grief, guilt…the whole nine yards for skid's choices. This was different because it was PAS, but still a loss for my SO.

This parable is so powerful and actually has a happy ending, but the key here is … the kid was truly sorry! Unfortunately, lots of "lost" kids never come home repentant (if they ever left in the first place). I really hope your SS19 snaps out of it, but if he doesn't, you have to love him from a distance but DISENGAGE, and preferably not in your home.

Thank you all. This input is

Thank you all. This input is really helping me. I know I need to back off. I have been driving myself insane, checking facebook pages, checking his bank account (which is dwindling away of course) and always trying to find out what is going on. I am really going to try to just let him go.

Is his dad doing any of these

Is his dad doing any of these things?

Nope! Of course not, isn't

Nope! Of course not, isn't it always the woman who worries the most?

Wow Notasm, stern words

Wow Notasm, stern words there, but true! And I need them. I started to write a pathetic sobby letter to him today, remembering the lovely little boy I once had and lamenting of any mistakes I may have made bringing him up. But I stopped midway through it and pulled myself together. I miss my boy, but I don't miss the horrible person he became.

I'm sorry, I couldn't read

I'm sorry, I couldn't read past the word "blow job". My eyes crossed and I had to go retrieve my lower lip from the other room to attach it back to my face. I'm still seeing a little blurry, but will try to post with as much clarity as I can muster. I don't even know what the problem is that you are posting about. This girl should be out of the picture right now. She is of course? As for the boy, he should be getting out of college by the time his grounding is up so that should work out nicely. Also, his father should have roughed him up a bit knowing how he disrespected you and your home. But, maybe that's a bit old school. He should have at least been taken by the collar or ear straight to his room in front of the girl, no fists or anything. A man who whips it out like that needs to have his ass kicked. Plain and simple. A girl like that needs a cab.

Generic, if only things were

Generic, if only things were that simple. The tramp is still very much in the picture. The SS has moved out and is now living in a dump with his kind and not going to school. He is taking her on a holiday to Greece next month and all his savings for college have almost gone. I have no intention of funding his college and since I'm the main breadwinner in his family, he won't be getting any help from anywhere. When he lived at home, we tried grounding him, but he jumped out of the window every weekend and we didn't see him until Sunday evening, wouldn't answer his phone, ignored our pleas for him to phone us. And yes, I'm gutted that his father didn't whip his ass for the Blow Job incident. SS has been out of control since he started going out with her and we've well and truly lost him now. I'm glad he's gone. One less person to wash & cook for. TBH, I'm on the brink of leaving this place altogether.

Oh, knowing how I am (but I'm

Oh, knowing how I am (but I'm from Jersey...so), I would have personally told that little tart where she could find the door, and if she didn't move, if she was over the age of 18, I would have shown her! Totally beyond unacceptable? And I don't care how much of a sweet boy SS was when he was younger, he is a dog now if he would allow that to happen right out in the open at his parent's house! He knows where the door is, too! I wouldn't try to communicate with him any more! When he grows up, if he grows up, and learns how to show some respect, he will come apologize to you! Until that day, oh well! Not your circus, not your monkeys!

Here's my take on it- When I

Here's my take on it-
When I was 17 I got caught having sex with my BF in his Mom's home. She was pissed and kicked me out and tried to get us to stop seeing each other. Of course I was a tramp and a slut and *I* corrupted HER PRECIOUS SON. Who of course was much more sexually experienced than I. And the more she objected to me, the more attractive I was to him.

Was it disrespectful of his Mom? Sure, I guess so. But we were just horny teens who thought we were in love. We didn't MEAN to disrespect her. She was honestly the last thing in our horny little minds. In fact, it never really occurred to our young and undeveloped minds that she really cared all that much. We would go for long walks in the woods, sit in the car, and go overnight camping. Did she really think we were NOT having sex? Did she really think a 17 and a 19 year old were that passionate about foliage????

Just to show you the flip side of the coin, we both saw her reaction as self righteous, ignorant, stupid, and a testament to the fact that some people only see what they want. Logically she HAD to know we were sexually active. And obviously that was OK, as long as she could pretend to "not know".

So, while what he did was not real cool, it was something that maybe should have been a "If you want to play big man and get BJ's in the living room, you do it in your own place" kind of talk.

As far as you thinking her a tramp? Well, she is no more tramp than he, and their sex lives aren't your business. You deeply object to the GIRL for giving a BJ in your home, but I didn't hear you ONCE object to the fact that your SS willingly RECEIVED a BJ in your home. What is good for the goose, is good for the gander.

furkidsfurme, you haven't

furkidsfurme, you haven't read the entire thread here, if you had, you would see that I have indeed objected to ss doing what he did. I am disgusted with him, moreso than with her. Of course their sex lives are no business of mine, but when they do what they did in a public room in my home while I was just a few feet away from them, then it most certainly becomes my business! I was a wild child, but I can assure you i never would have had any form of sex with any boyfriend if there were the slightest chance of being caught by any parent. I didn't even sleep with a longterm boyfriend in my parents home when I was in my mid 20's. That's the way I was brought up and in my eyes, that's all down to respecting the wishes of my parents and their home. I am well aware that ss and the tramp were having sex, I'm not as stupid as that!

furkidsforme, I don't detect

furkidsforme, I don't detect an ounce of embarrassment or regret for what you did in that woman's home, albeit years ago. Do you not feel that for any mother to find her son or daughter doing that in her home, not to mind in her room is wrong? Interesting!

As far as you thinking her a

^^^ THIS! Sounds like the SS does exactly what HE wants to do.

No imasimon, I would not feel

No imasimon, I would not feel differently if he was doing that to her. I don't feel that their choice to do what they did, where they did is normal human behaviour at all.

I don't feel that their

I don't feel that their choice to do what they did, where they did is normal human behaviour at all.

^^^ I get this! I think THAT should be the jest of the conversation with him not who or who isn't a tramp. As someone else said it is time for him to grow up and get his own place when he thinks it's ok to do that in his parents home.

I suggest sitting down with your son and trying to have a normal conversation and focusing on his behavior (disrespect in your home) not the girls. Then I suggest you let it go and try to maintain some communication with him outside of this topic.

He has already moved out so I suggest that you let it go. What's done is done. It will not help you nor your DH to dwell on what has already happened but I for sure would not shell out one more penny!

Let me tell you my story:

I went through a very difficult time with one of my children. The behaviour was disrespectful (having sex) in my home so we had a conversation, I let the child know how disappointed I was. There was anger and tears and the choice was made to move out. All I could do at that point was to say no matter what I love you. I don't agree with your actions/behaviour but I love YOU. For several years it was tense between us but I always said I love YOU and tried periodically to have a sit down meal with my child. I DID NOT give out any money but my child was always welcome to eat a meal at our house.

Now several years later, my child is living a good life and I get hugs and I love you's.

Hang in there!

Thank you New Second Wife. I

Thank you New Second Wife. I appreciate your opinion. I am still too angry and hurt to talk with him at the moment, but I'm hoping in time to be able to do that. I'm kicking myself that he and I had words (by text) last week, where I called the gf a tramp (again - can't help myself - I know I've got to stop) and he called me a pathetic bitch. That was a kick to the stomach I can tell you. His Dad is hoping to meet with him in the next few days, so we'll see how that goes. This thing is taking over my entire world at the moment and I'm so stressed about it.

Kelly32, I understand the

Kelly32, I understand the thing taking over your entire world. But try to remember that this is such a small thing in the big scheme of life.

Through all of that, I just kept telling myself that there is many kids that make bad choices and come out of it later on with lots of faith, prayer and love.

I think you have stressed enough to your son you don't agree with his choices. He knows that you are disappointed in him but don't give him a reason to quit trying. He is an adult now and will need to figure a few things out for himself.

I think it is good that Dad is connecting with him and you are staying away until you are not so stressed. Maybe when you get feeling better you can start letting/showing him know how much you love him.

I really hope I can start

I really hope I can start feeling good enough to do that New Second Wife. Right now I feel so disappointed in him and complete dislike and almost disdain for him. I just cannot see myself ever being able to have a nice conversation or any happy time with him again. I just feel like there's no future for him and me anymore, too much was done and said. I also feel like an idiot, I really tried my best to take care of him and at times I felt very much like a single mother. (I have a long and difficult story to tell with regards to my life since I married DH). I tolerated all the unhappiness, stress and difficulties for SS and SD. Now I feel I shouldn't have bothered. I have spent 12 yrs of unhappiness, all for nothing. Oh dear, I am sounding full of self-pity aren't I?

I tolerated all the

I tolerated all the unhappiness, stress and difficulties for SS and SD. Now I feel I shouldn't have bothered.

^^^ No offense meant but sounds like there is more to it than this one incident with your SS.

Too much to write, but let's

Too much to write, but let's just say that the last year with SS was the icing on the cake..

You are here

Please give me your opinion