I set boundaries..now I feel stressed
A few days ago my youngest stepdaughter 20yrs old) took a conversation her and I had and repeated it to her older sister (22 years old). She totally misconstrued what I had said and my oldest SD sent me a text pretty much accusing me of being a liar. She refused to answer when I called her and I texted her and told her she needed to answer. Her lovely response was "I don't need to do anything".
I then texted my youngest SD who was rude and disrespectful. We help pay for this kids college, cell phone, food, gas, etc. She had the audacity to say we do nothing for her.
I have been with these girls for 12 years and I have been a pushover for so long that it makes me sick. I have taken care of them and have spoiled them rotten.
They are both very selfish, self entitled, and just plain ugly attitudes.
A few days later my stepdaughter texted me and asked "so are we not going to talk?"
I then responded by telling her there will be no more spoiling her, how I feel she is disrespectful and boundaries need to be set. I told her I love her and maybe one day we can have a better relationship that is built on love, trust, and respect.
Well...that's when hell broke loose. She told me she wasn't going to lose any sleep over this, I had "burned this bridge" and I will regret it.
I told her: if that is how you feel, I accept that.
Then she asked me if I had lost my mind which only reiterated to me that I had never stood up for myself.
Her mother texted me accusing me of being a bad parent.
On Friday, I prayed about everything. I texted her and told her I do love her and want a good relationship but I meant what I had said. No response.
Now..my oldest SD (which is a liar and I would bet money she has a "personality disorder", never called or texted me after what happened.
Now..I'm sure I'm on the oldest SD's bad side since I was "mean" to youngest.
Every single friend I have has told me how awful they are.
This past Christmas I even gave youngest SD a ring (nice one!!!) and it was a David Yurman ring I had bought on my 5th anniversary of owning my business. It meant a lot to me. I told her I wanted her to have something really special.
I can't say enough how much I have bowed down to these kids.
My hubby is on my side however he hasn't accepted the fact I am ready to accept the fact that I may not have good or any relationships with my SD's. He's in such denial. He thinks things will change but in the meantime, I don't have to put up with this drama.
I'm so sick of the drama. Once I had told youngest SD how I felt (and it was said in love), I felt the biggest weight lifted off of me. Now, oldest SD is coming to visit and see us Saturday. I haven't heard a word so I'm not sure what and when she is coming. I'm not looking forward to it. Part of me wants to avoid her but I am not going to run. I'm tired of it. And I plan on telling her. If she truly loved me, she would not have called me a liar, refuse to talk to me, and then no communication.
In one way, I'm proud of myself. In another way, I feel bad that this will make things harder for my hubby and just cause more conflict.
They treat him like shit and he puts up with it because of his own false guilt of leaving them when he divorced their mom. Any advice?
Stick to your guns. They
Stick to your guns. They have been using and abusing you for a long time. ENOUGH!
I had to do the same and it was rough. 2 years for me now and every time I kinda engaged I got burnt again.
Excellent post, couldn't
Excellent post, couldn't agree more. In my experience, the less I do for SKIDS, the better they like me if I do something for them, on the very rare occasions when hell freezes over. LESS IS MORE. they are not the center of my universe. They are small little comets in the distance only.
If you read any past posts
If you read any past posts you will find that you are definitely not alone. I tried VERY hard for over 20 years to make my SD like me. With every year I kissed her butt, she became nastier and more disrespectful. Stepaside's reply to you says it all. She wrote that many times they change their attitude and learn to respect you. If this occurs you can go on with a relationship based on mutual respect. I am suggesting you do this now before it gets too out of hand. I waited too long to stand up for myself and by that time SD and I disliked each other so much there was no way of repairing the relationship. But I have to say I am very glad I finally DID find the courage to stand up to the B.S. SD may not want to have anything to do with me but I have a heck of a lot more respect for myself - and that is something we all deserve. I am much happier without the rejection and drama.
I love all of the advice!!
I love all of the advice!! You all made great points.
To answer a few questions...why do I spoil them? Why give the ring?
Years ago I may have done it to win them over but I can honestly say that I have done it out of love. Unfortunately, my mother showed her love by buying me things and I have realized how unhealthy it is. I don't give them things to manipulate them. The sad thing is, I'm doing it because I love them and I'm a kind person.
I love it when someone said that I don't need to tell them. When the oldest SD comes to visit, I'm not bringing it up!
I talked to my husband today and he said that he supports my decisions 100%. Now, do I buy it? Maybe. Time will tell.
I am just numb at this point. So numb.
I have truly come to realize that they don't respect me and really don't love me. It's what I have been able to do for them. And it is 100% my fault! But,.its time to make a change.
I have to admit: I'm worried what people will think of me.
Now, someone asked if my husband died would I have anything to do with them. The answer is hell no!!!!! So, maybe I don't love them as much as I think I do??
My husband I actually got a divorce and remarried one another almost two years ago. During the divorce, I did my best to maintain a relationship and did see both of them.
Any more advice will help! I love this board!!
Stepaside, thank you for the
Stepaside, thank you for the advice. You were so honest and I appreciate your questions. You got me to thinking about things and I love the honesty.
She is very manipulative. She
She is very manipulative. She won't do it in person or in front of hubby.
So she will come here and be as fake as possible. I'm just going to be unavailable. I will be polite but that's it.
I think an important point
I think an important point here is that that Nursejulee's spoiling of her SD's had NOTHING to do with her SD's not liking her. Sure it gave them a tool to manipulating her but the real problem is they were }:) to start with
If they were actually good, kind and decent people they would not take advantage of someone like her who truly is good, kind and decent and worked hard to win them over. Instead they would have appreciated the fact someone nice was trying so hard and even if she wasn't their cup of tea, they would act in a considerate way towards her - because that's what kind and considerate people do
If on the other hand you are a nasty, entitled, selfish jerk who resents the presence of someone fantastic in their father's life, well then yes, all her good and decent behaviour towards them was just a great way for them to abuse and bully her, but NOT the reason why
The REAL reason they behave as they do is because they grew up with terrible parents. Parents who live with guilt and feat of their kids walking out of their life make terrible parents. If they grew some balls and did he loving thing - putting their children in their place and making sure that acting like assholes is NOT acceptable, they wouldn't have this issue later in life with their rotten kids grew into rotten adults
I have one SD who is conniving, nasty and full of resentment and she behaves just like these girls do and I will do no more for her
I have another SD who show appreciation and respect and who treats me much better than the average adult skid
So what is the difference? Is it how I treated them? No, it is that one is mature, happy, big-hearted and wants her dad to be happy. The other is jealous, resentful, angry and lives for revenge
Sure, I can control her effect on me by ignoring and avoiding her as much as possible. But I am not responsible, even as a result of trying too hard initially, for her behaviour. And at this point in time, neither are her parents, she and only she is responsible for her own pathetic behavior
So my advice would be to totally disengage and let the crap hit the fan. If they want to make accusations against you, speak the truth including calling them out on their crap.