Save the DRAMA for yo momma!
After the events of yesterday, when 10 p.m. came around, I was so done and just retired to my bedroom! SD14 already went to her room to hibernate shortly after the whole "ask your wife" incident, when her boyfriend called her. I didn't even tell DH I was heading to bed...really didn't speak to him at all after the whole ordeal! I'm sorry...he should have stood up for me, AND for himself, as her "ask your wife" response was disrespectful to both of us! DH allowed SD14 to have her way and say after school (who knows what she did...especially when you read what comes later), allowed her to go over to her boyfriend's "after" that, and went out of his way on the way home to pick her up...and when he asks her to do something for him, he gets a snooty "ask your wife"? THIS is exactly what I was talking about when DH approached me to weeks ago saying that SD14 thinks I hate her, and I told him, "No, I don't like how she treats people!" In that conversation, DH said that we needed to teach her how to treat people, yet this was the perfect opportunity for a lesson in that, and he just lets it slide?
Anyway, DH realizes I went to bed, and starts to head to bed himself. On his way to the bedroom, I hear SD14 yell out to him, "Dad, I still need to talk to you about that thing!" His response is, "What thing? And why do you always wait until 11 at night to talk to me about anything?" Then the argument starts! Here I am trying to sleep, and then there is the two of them screaming at each other at the top of their lungs!
The thing that SD14 needs to talk to DH about is the fact that the band director is sending her back to guard because there are too many office helpers in band (I thought she was doing percussion). SD14 is mad because she is being sent back there, isn't being allowed to compete...has to sit there twirling all period...and everyone in there hates her! She wants DH to fix it!!! I hear DH say that he is so done with the band drama, the guard drama, and every other drama...that she created this mess, and now SHE needs to fix it! (Of course, this was an "I'm tired" response, and he will cave and show her sympathy later.) He says he doesn't understand how one day she could love doing something, and then the next day just up and quit...that there has to be something else going on, but she denies it! This whole argument goes on for about another 5 minutes, and turns into how she treats people...natural progression, I think...because I know it is how she treats the other girls in guard that is the reason they now hate her! He tells her she always talks down to everyone, etc...all the stuff I've been saying for years now! Argue, argue, argue...then I hear him bring up the purging! Okay...I perk up here...is he finally acknowledging the rest of the eating disorder? Of course SD14 denies it! DH says that she doesn't eat, and whenever she does, she rushes to the bathroom afterwards...so what is he supposed to think? He asks her point blank if she is purging...she denies...he asks "Are you sure?"...she denies again. In my head, I could just see her face and the eyebrows going all over the place on her face!!! Lie, lie, lie...I wanted to scream to him, "Take her to the dentist! Tell him what you suspect...he will tell you the truth!" Yeah...I left it alone! More arguing, about how she never takes care of anything, which is why every electronic she has ever been given has been broken in some way...that she cares more about her makeup than things that should matter most, etc. At this point, I'm completely annoyed...partially because I want to sleep and can't with the yelling, and partially because DH just will not put his foot down and tell her like it is...that he is allowing all this arguing!
Argument finally over, DH comes into the bedroom and says he wants to move, because everyone at the school is an idiot...he really hates this school. I point out to him AGAIN that the problem is NOT the school...but is SD14...that we have put two kids through that school and never had this amount of headache!! DH tries to claim that all the people that were there when the other two were there are gone, at which point I correct him...the current principle came in BD22's junior year when the old principle retired, and the band director that BD22 had retired two years ago...those are the ONLY two people who have left, all the other teachers that SD14 has are the same teachers that both BD22 and BS19 have had at some point or another! DH back tracks and says it isn't the principle that is the problem, but that the band director is clueless. I point out that he is only hearing SD14's side of the story...that there are two sides, and maybe it is past time that he contact the band director himself and get to the bottom of what is really going on!!! His response is, "I'm not talking to that idiot!" Oh, so you are going to be just as childish as SD14, I see! He tells me about SD14 being forced to go back to guard, and that everyone there hates her, etc. I point out to him that I've heard the way she talks about them...it is no wonder they hate her! He says that he mentioned that to SD14, and then ends up the being the end of our conversation. At that point, I tell him I'm going to sleep, and he's like "Really? That's it?" Yup...you bet that is it! Now, when you grow a set and stand up to SD14, maybe I'll look at you like a man again! Didn't say it, but really wanted to...but I also really wanted to sleep, and knew that would just cause a whole other fight!
Oh...and DH doesn't even
Oh...and DH doesn't even think it strange that SD14 said she was staying after school all these days to do percussion, yet last night she admits that she has only been doing teacher aid kind of tasks in band. I'm right...something else is up!
Oh...it's all unraveling on
Oh...it's all unraveling on SD14...that web o' lies! If he insists that we need to move simply because SD14 can't get a long in this school...okay...there is the door. The two of you have fun out there bouncing from school to school every time she insults everyone around her and they don't like her! I'm done! He sits there and tells SD14 that she sits on her butt and doesn't do anything to fix the situation, but then he is guilty of the same thing! Hello! You are the parent!! You have every right to call and set up a meeting with the teacher(s) to find out exactly what is going on...you have access to her online information to see that her tardies are up and her grades are down...but you never check (I only see, because when I go in to look at my son's stuff, they both show up on the same page because I'm linked to both accounts thanks to DH...in a few months, I won't ever go in and look...will have no reason). There is more to all this, but DH is too afraid that when he digs into the truth, the truth will show that is princess is more of a little devil than a little angel, and he doesn't want to face that!
At 14, she has a bf??? Are
At 14, she has a bf??? Are these parents nuts?? At 14 she needs to be taught how to treat people...seriously??
Lot's of things wrong with this picture. I would disengage from her, and do your own thing. He thinks it's everyone's fault including you, lol. Reality check. I would have minimal communication with her, not discuss her with your husband. If he goes on and on about that school, give him short comments like, "oh good I'm glad they are addressing her issues, maybe now she will be help". Then walk away.
I still can't believe he picked her up from a guys house at age 14, like I said there are some serious issues here with your dh.
"I still can't believe he
"I still can't believe he picked her up from a guys house at age 14"
That was pretty much my exact thought when DH called me and told me that SD14 caught a ride with the boyfriend's mom and he would be picking her up at the boyfriend's house! I was in shock, and the first thought in my mind was, "How convenient! I bet she was over there the whole time...not doing percussion...not working on a school project!" And then last night during the argument when I could hear her say that the band director hasn't been letting her do percussion, but she's been a teacher's aid? Um, three days last week she supposedly stayed after to do percussion, and so far two days this week!
I wonder if she is going to come straight home this after noon on the bus, or if she will have some other excuse to stay? She will probably say that she is staying for percussion sectionals, though she already said last night that she is being sent back to guard...but will come up with some story that she talked to the band director again...though last night she was refusing to talk to the band director and just wanted dear daddy to fix it...you know...more stories that don't jive, but DH will think it is all the truth, because he is too lazy to check up on it all himself! It's my gym night...can forget about me going to get her! And I'm seriously thinking I'm going to start taking that Tuesday night hip-hop class. I don't care if SD14 throws a fit that I'm taking a dance class and she isn't! I love dance as much as she claims to love it, and I've been putting it off too long as to avoid a conflict with her! Time I start doing what I want to do, as it seems DH is allowing her to have the run of everything!
Right? Nope...I will refuse
Right? Nope...I will refuse to claim being a grandma! I know DH and BM will want SD14 to keep it, but seriously...for the sake of the kid, if it should happen, I pray she puts it up for adoption! I had my oldest when I was 18, and even I considered adoption, and I have always been quite the different person that SD14 is now! SD14 is too selfish to have a baby! Everyone else will end up taking care of it besides her. No thank you! If I wanted more babies to raise on my own, I would not have gotten my tubes tied after BS19! I'm all for having grandchildren...once my kids are in a good place in their lives and married so that they can provide a life for the child! BS19's grandmother raised 3 of her grandchildren...and though she loves them all dearly...I can tell by looking in her eyes that she misses ever having a life outside of raising kids! Now, she is in her 70's and feeling the pains of age...there is so much she wants to do and see, but just doesn't know if she can. It is really sad! I refuse to be in that spot!
That's why kids are the way
That's why kids are the way they are now. It's the school's fault. The teachers hate her. The kids are mean. The neighbors deserved it. The world is round. Blah blah blah. And the parents automatically "side" with their kids about anything! It amazes me.
I had some shitty teachers too growing up. But, you deal. Life is full of shitty people. You deal. She needs to deal. ANd you're right, it's most likely HER that's the problem. And anywhere she moves to, there she will be.
Oh...I had crappy teachers
Oh...I had crappy teachers and crappy professors! Not everyone is cut out to teach who are in the field! And, sometimes, after you spend so many years dealing with ungrateful kids, I can see how a teacher can lose their passion!
But like you say...you deal! Just do the work, turn it in on time, and avoid confrontation. You know you only have to deal with this person about 4 months...9 months, tops...depending on if it is a semester class or a full school year. Then, when you make your class choices the next year, you don't sign up for any classes taught by them...or ask for a schedule change at the very beginning of the year if you get that teacher/professor again. Of course, that doesn't work when you are the problem (you as in SD14). I just love when SD14 blames 0's on the teachers losing her work she turned in...I'm always thinking, "Really? Both of the other kids had that teacher, and NEVER had that problem! You are saying after 8 years, the teacher is becoming that absent minded?" SD14 doesn't realize the network I have in this town! Ask a couple of parents, and you can find out if there is a real issue with a teacher...and, yeah, there isn't anyone having problems with teachers losing their kids' work! But DH just takes SD14's side of the story...even with her history of lying! So frustrating. In her last school, before SD14 moved in with us, there were also lots of drama about teachers and the other kids not liking her. You would think DH would start seeing the pattern!
I'm wondering why you haven't
I'm wondering why you haven't disengaged? If you don't involve yourself with this kid she can't insult you.
Have you read this: http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
It takes two to get insulted - one to give the insult - another to accept the insult. What would happen if you simply ignored the insult? Who would hear? Who hearing would give one whit?
If you're never near this kid except in the home why the answer is nobody. You're the problem. Yes your problem is you care about this kid - probably all kids - and you want her to grow up properly. Well I'm here to tell you that you're probably not going to make any difference in this kids life and the sooner you accept that the sooner you can get on with yours.
Oh I see that for sure! I
Oh I see that for sure! I think the thing that upset me the most is that DH didn't even defend me. Has he grown to have so little respect for me that he lets his princess treat me this way? Of course he has, because it is obvious he has so little respect for himself to even demand that the princess respect him! No more! If it causes a fight between DH and I, so be it. He will have to make a choice! Does he want a wife who will respect him (once he stands up for himself), or does he want a princess that will NEVER respect him? The latter will not keep him warm at night! Her birthday is coming up...don't count on me for anything! She wants a sleep-over...I'll be in my room ignoring them, and he can deal with it! And HELL NO he will not be putting another smart phone on MY phone plan so that she can have one! Yes...I may be buying myself a new Kindle, but she isn't getting my old one...I don't care! I will sell it on eBay before I ever give it to her! And I DO expect him to keep on her to clean up after herself...I will be on his ass about it, because there is no reason I should have to live in filth in my own house because she is too lazy to pick up after herself! I thought about it just today...should put all the plastic plates and cups in a cabinet just for her...and put a cabinet lock where the other dishes are. Whenever she leaves her crap laying around, I will just put it in her room...and if she complains about there not being any dishes for her to eat off of, inform DH that all the plastic dishes are in her room...if she wants dishes, she can wash em! Time to start moving money out of the account, too...and when DH asks why there is so little left for anything, just be like "Oh, I guess there are just too many expenses" and leave it at that. Let him figure it out. I am so fed up it isn't even funny! I don't even want to see her face any more! I wish she would just go back to her mother's! I hope the girls in guard make her suffer good for the crap she had done to them...give her a good ol' dose of her own medicine!
Maybe DH is finally on to
Maybe DH is finally on to her! I was talking to BS19, and saw SD14 walking up the driveway. I said I was surprised that she was home. BS19 said he heard the entire argument from his room last night, and DH TOLD her she had to come straight home from school every day...no more funny business! Good...no one will be trying to ask me to pick her up...at least not for now...LOL. We will see how long everything lasts. I can tell SD14 is not very happy about things at all...she stomped into the house, headed straight to her her room, and slammed the door. Oh well!
I would like to say I'm a
I would like to say I'm a newbee and I totally relate to your situation. Here's what I'm thinking- our men or partners in life can not tell their precious kids no, they can not correct or acknowledge bad behavior out of them. I think they are so guilt stricken by the facts of divorcing the BM and splitting up their family that the behavior doesn't matter to them bc at least the kid comes around. I honestly don't know if it will get better. I have been in this battle for 10 years and divorce seams like an answer for me. These skids are not going anywhere! They will multiply and return I'm sure. I for one am done trying to make things copacetic in my home. I am in constant term oil over situations that my husband never should have put us in. It is the DH fault. He is the parent of his kid, not you. Good luck!
You probably hit the nail on
You probably hit the nail on the head there, for some. In our case, BM cheated on DH when SD14 was only a couple of months old. DH wanted to try to make it work for the sake of SD14, but BM kicked DH to the curb before SD14 was even 6 months old...claimed she just really didn't want to be married. Trust me, it was ALL BM! I know in my case, DH has always been afraid of pissing off BM causing her to run off with the kid, and now that she is older, he is afraid of pissing off SD14 and her wanting to go back to BM and never see him again. What he doesn't get is that BM is broke...she doesn't work, and her husband is really tight with the money...so SD14 will always come running back to daddy because of the money! Bad thing is, she doesn't realize that it isn't really daddy's money...I'm the main wage earner in this house...significantly so.
It is sad, but I have considered divorce more and more the last couple of years. This year will be our 12th wedding anniversary...we've been together since right before SD14 could walk. I've had to sit back and watch all these years as DH and BM ruined this child. I tried to be a positive influence, but I was never given enough time with her, and when we did have her, DH was all about making the visit fun more than anything else, because he was only seeing her twice a month...when he was lucky and BM didn't insist that SD14 couldn't come because she had some birthday party to go to or because she supposedly wasn't feeling well (like we didn't know how to take care of a child with an ear ache or a cold). There would be many months DH only got to see her once a month.
Then, SD14 entered the pre-teens. Now...don't get me wrong, to BM she has always been a handful! SD14 used to scream at her mom all the time...even hit her. BM would do nothing, more concerned about being the girl's best friend than being her mom! Because of this lack of parenting, when the pre-teens hit, SD14 became hell! There has been the cutting, the drinking (even caught with alcohol at school), supposed passing around of naked pictures of one of her friends, the pot smoking, the sneaking out...most recently the eating disorder. Everything has always been "look at me" with this girl, even though she has always been showered with attention! BM used to dote over her all the time, and whenever she did visit us, the weekend always became all about SD14 and what she wanted to do. When the monster became uncontrollable, and BM was afraid she would actually have to be a parent, she sent her to live with us! So here I am, with this person living in my house that I'm not allowed to have any say over, doing whatever she wants, treating everyone in the world like total crap. She disrespects me, my son, DH, my home...and at every turn DH defends her..."She doesn't know!" BS!!!
Something hit me this morning...I have a feeling DH is STILL driving SD14 to school every morning so that the princess doesn't have to ride the bus. I've noticed that I stopped hearing SD14 leave the house around 6:45 as she would need to in order to catch the bus. This morning, DH was leaving at 6:55, and I told him that I still hadn't heard SD14 go out the door. He asked what time it was, then said, "Yeah, I know." When he left the bedroom, I could hear him go get SD14 out of her room, and they walked out together. Same thing happened yesterday, and the day before that. Now, if she doesn't have any kind of practice, why is he still driving her to school? The school is 15 miles round trip off of his route to work, so it isn't like he is being nice because he is passing by the school anyway. THIS is part of the problem! Whatever princess wants, princess gets! He refuses to just put his foot down and tell her no dice! And he really thinks I'm going to allow a car for her in a year! He doesn't have the money to cover her insurance (and I'm sure as not hell not paying for it...I'm already paying for my son's since he will be going to college). He doesn't have the money to get her a car (son is making payments to me for the one he has...his last car he bought off a friend went boom a few weeks ago, and I had to help him get another...but he also works his butt off). I'm not helping pay for her to drive so that she can do even more stupid stuff than she is already doing...sorry, no! And who will pay for the gas? I know she is to prissy to work! But he will try to find a way, because like I said...what princess whats, princess gets! I'm still waiting for him to start asking me about money for the band trip deposit...ain't happening!