17 yr old SD moved in with us after a fight with her BM.
I want to start off by saying I'm new to the site and this is my first post. I have 2 bio sons from a previous marriage 11 and 13 and my husband has 2 daughters 20 and 17 from his previous marriage. We have been married for ten years so this is nothing new I'm just at the end of my rope. My SD made up a lie that she was preg and told her BM, school, her bf, and even called CPS and told them her mom beat her so she'd loose the baby. All of which was a lie. I know the BM and she does not beat them not even discipline them. SD refused to leave the dhhr with her BM so they called my husband to come down and get her. She was never preg! Her BM refuses to let her date this boy whom she said was preg by and this I know is the only reason she is at our house. Now she refuses to speak with her bio mom, no doubt bc she is in trouble for the lies and the calling of CPS, and I want her out of my house. The SD's would visit about 2x's a month and that was too much. This child thinks the world revolves around her literally sits on her bum all day barking orders at my children and her dad. It's been left up to me to drive her to school and pick her up ( we live 30 mins from her school ), I also had to take her to doctors for preg test ( her own BM didn't even take her to see if she really was preg! ) and get her on birth control. I feel like this is not my place to do these things for her let alone all the cooking cleaning and laundry she brings. It's been 2 weeks of her here 24/7 and I'm ready to move out. I love my husband and have told him how I feel but he says she has just as much rite here as any of us. I can't stand either one of these girls and never have been able to deal with their snotty snobbish rude lazy ways. I have never say "liked" my SD's they have done terrible things to me over the years ie. spitting in my drinks, putting my toothbrush in the toilet, ruining family holidays and vowing to ruin them all. My husband turns a blind eye and plays it off. His kids do no wrong in his opinion. I just can't take another day of her intruding on my life and throwing things at home off balance.
I agree.
I agree.
At a minimum you should set
At a minimum you should set the same if not stricter expectations than what BM had. If BM and DH are on the same page with discipline there would be no benefit to moving.
I do agree she shouldn't be allowed to run away from BM. In a few months she will be running from DH and who knows where she will end up. DH went through this crap with SD before she finally landed with us. When she doesn't get her way she calls BM and tells on us. The #1 biggest reason SD is the way she is is lack of consistency.
I find the more DH has to
I find the more DH has to deal with SD's acting out the lower his tolerance.
I started nagging him when she didn't do her chores. I think half the time he would do it for her when he thought I wouldn't know. Eventually, as her messes got bigger, DH started making her do it. I continue to push, telling him how concerned I am that at 18 SD doesn't seem to know how to take care of herself. I eventually blew up at him after he told me "I've seen BM's house I doubt she ever cleans the bathroom so SD doesn't know any better." I told him it was time to stop blaming BM, SD has been at our house for 7 months now. If she doesn't know how to clean a bathroom, it's about time you teach her. If I have to do it I will make sure she knows how silly it is that she can't figure this out."
Things are improving but 2 steps forward one step back.
Below I've posted a link to a
Below I've posted a link to a article which explains how to disengage. You're down to a few months until she is 18 and no longer has the RIGHT to dwell in any house you own or rent. At that point you can call the police and tell them you have a unwanted intruder you wish to have removed.
Tell your husband with his daughter present that you are disengaging and explain to them how this works. Tell them that as of her 18th birthday she no longer has the right to live in any home where you are part owner or renter. You may wish to add that she can stay until she graduates from high school if the living situation becomes tolerable. You'll make that choice a few weeks before her birthday.
Some children once reminded that they can be thrown out at age 18 do a complete turn around when faced with the cruel world but don't count on that happening. Others bury their head in the sand and others make arrangements to move in with boyfriends or (boy)friends parents.
Don't enter into a argument with either of them. Simply state "I've said all I need to say". Turn to her and say "Do what you think is in your best interests" and walk away. You've timed this so you can go directly to your room, take a shower and go to bed, effectively removing yourself from the fray just as you will from that day onward as a disengaged step-parent.
http://steptogether.org/help.html
She needs to go back to BM.
She needs to go back to BM. Nothing says you have to have this in your house. My SD17 is banned from my house for bad behavior that I don't want in my life. Just say no. After ten years, you have more power in your house than she does.
Do not drive her to school. Do no laundry. She is 17, she can do this stuff herself or her dad can do it. NOT YOUR JOB...
Gotta love how these "dads"
Gotta love how these "dads" (using that term loosely) will defend their teen daughters' bad behavior and attitude toward people to the ends of the earth, and not do jack when it comes to their actual responsibility as a parent (which is a hell of a lot more than just going to work to pay the bills to put a roof over their heads). I understand that you love your DH, but you have to think about what is best for you and your boys...who I'm sure you would never let treat your DH the way SD is treating you!
It is time to sit down with DH. Tell him flat out that this girl is NOT your responsibility. If the two of you are to stay under the same roof with each other, she will clean up after herself, she will do her own damn laundry (17 is too old to have your laundry done for you), she will NOT talk to you or your sons in a disrespectful manner, and DH will need to secure other means to get the girl to and from school! As it has been said...the girl may have a "right" to be there, but she does not have the right to make your life a living hell...she doesn't have the right to treat you and your sons as her personal servants.
If DH cannot see what this girl is doing to your and your sons, and refuses to put his foot down with her, then it may be time to part ways, as hard as that may be. If DH lets his daughter treat you and your sons like this, he truly has no respect for you, and a woman should not be with a man who does not respect her! You deserve better! I'm fortunate that my situation is not AS bad as yours, as disengaging has been successful for the most part, and SD14 can't stand that I still have quite a bit of control when it comes to DH (that was proven even more this weekend), and that to an extent, DH understands that there are things I provide that his dear princess cannot. In the end, a man is still a man! LOL! There is still quite a bit of conflict, but at least SD14 tries her best to avoid me, especially since she seems to think that I hate her! But like I told DH...I don't hate her...I don't like who she is and how she treats people...that is totally different...you can love a person, but not like who they have become. But I can promise you, if at any point SD14 thinks she can get away with the crap your SD seems to think she can get away with, and DH allows her to treat me that way, the two of them will be out the door! Let them go enjoy their miserable lives together if that is how they want to play it!
There is a lot of similarity
There is a lot of similarity with your situation. My SD made accusations that her BM and BB were abusing her. It's was either our house or foster care. It says a lot that my MIL told DH foster care was the better option.
I've raised two BIOs and couldn't ever imagine letting them go to foster care. So I agreed to allow her to come stay with us. There have certainly been enough challenges and I seriously doubt it will get better. In the beginning DH and SD would manipulate me into doing things for SD. Eventually I put my foot down and right now I do very little if anything for her.
As far as SD having "as much right as anyone else to be there" My response would be if she has the same rights then she will also have the same responsibility. I would be 100% clear about what you expect and make sure DH knows that you mean business.
In our house, SD is to wash her own dishes, clean her bedroom and bathroom, do her own laundry and occasionally help with other chores. If she doesn't do it, I remind DH, NOT her. I found that subtlety didn't work. I had to come out and tell him what I would and wouldn't do. I would challenge the behavior with him. "So, you think it is completely acceptable if I leave my makeup all over the bathroom?" "Oh, then why do you allow SD to leave her things scattered in the bathroom?" If I don't want to do something I don't do it. My willingness to help him or her is dependent on her attitude. If things are going well and I'm asked for a ride to work I'll do it. If she spent the night before treating me like garbage, "After the way she's behaved I'm not inclined to be all that helpful. Perhaps while she walks to work she should consider that there are consequences to her behavior."
Thank you all for the input.
Thank you all for the input. I am glad I found this site! Well I talked to DH and told him I will no longer drive Sd to/from school. His answer my mom will. Omfg what's wrong with this man? No one wants to take on others responsibilities! Why can he not see how disrupted our household has become. Why won't he do the right thing and send her bum back to her BM? He is only hurting her in the long run teaching her to hide from her messes. I am seriously considering moving out. I do not want to leave my husband but I do not think that I can continue to share my home with this 17 yr old brat!! I feel terrible that I do not like my SDs but I have tried. For years. How do I get DH to be united with me? And how do I get SD to go back to BM?
I totally get how you feel!!!
I totally get how you feel!!! Every time SD14 has gotten into major trouble, she has moved in with us. This last time has pretty much become permanent, but it sickens me. BM can't handle her, so just dump her on us! SD14 can't handle stepdad's rules, so just runs to us. Even visits now...if SD14 gets into any kind of disagreement with BM or stepdad on a visit, she will call DH and he will go run to pick her up saying, "Well, they will just argue all weekend, and I don't want her to have to deal with that." Really? When SHE 99/100 of the time is the reason the disagreements start in the first place with her attitude and the way she treats people?
And I get the same thing...when I say that I won't do something, he gets his mom to do it. I don't want to go work with SD14 to do fund raising for the "band trip", he says, "I'll ask my mom." Bad thing is, I don't believe that SD14 can even be trusted on the trip! I know the kind crap these kids try to pull on these trips, and she is not the kind who will say no and walk away! No, she will be right there sneaking out with them, drinking, smoking, whatever. She has never gotten punished by DH in any of the times she has gotten caught drinking or smoking pot, because it has always been some place other than our house...that is his reasoning! So yeah, I don't think she should be allowed to go...I know if it were my child it would be HELL NO! So I'm NOT going to contribute.
I'm still trying to get DH to be on a united front with me when it comes to SD14. Wish I could tell you how! I want to smack him on a daily basis and say, "Dude...be a parent!"
I think you need to read all
I think you need to read all about disengaging. I have an awful SD18 and lazy ass SS16. Nobody parents these kids. when either of them get a bug up their asses, they just saunter off to their grandparents' houses where they have no rules. What I have learned from my own friends and family and especially from being on this forum is that this generation of step shits are all very, very self-entitled narcissistic little humans. and unfortunately, even if you as SM are in the right, the stupid-ass husband is somehow always going to have no balls and do stupid shit that goes against what is truly the right way to parent. all this lack of good parenting is doing is raising a bunch of effed up little brats that all think the world revolves around them. i'm in my 30s and love all the social media, etc. but i think the downfall is that this generation and future generations are going to act like they are celebrities...when in reality, they are seriously not that big a deal.
i feel for you and hope you are able to find a happy place. stick around here and read everybody's stories. i'm sure you'll find this place very helpful. i speak from experience. this forum has helped me more than any therapist could.