So you've been married for three years, but in the past year and a half all of a sudden she now has a problem with your son? What happened a year and a half ago to bring on this change?

>>claiming that I put him first and that he is destroying our family and our younger son's life<<

Wow. Destroying the family? Pretty strong words here. Why would she say something like this?

If what you write is true then it sounds as if this wife isn't anymore mentally stable than the last. But, my dh led his family and myself to believe his ex was a huge problem. After 14 months of marriage my husband started to show his true colours. All the things he said the ex was, actually turned out to be what HE was. Asking you if you have contributed to this is probably pointless. You may honestly believe you haven't. It took my dh years to start getting help for HIS problems. He is now on antidepressants and has seen a psychologist. He knows he has issues, but he still can't change. He is trying and the medication helps, at least now I just have to deal with his narcissism, and not his depression as well. But I know he still does not understand his problem, he still likes to blame others.

If it really isn't you, then your wife really does need help. Her fear of your son giving the younger child a cold is irrational, her request to ban the 7 year old to the basement isn't right either. So you need to do something here to protect all 3 sons. You need to get her to a doctor. If what you write is true, she does need professional help. You need to be more careful in choosing the women you want to be the mother of your children.

Perhaps if you provided details regarding why she thinks you put your son first would help us to more fairly understand the actual situation I would doubt that anyone would accuse you f this without previously giving you examples or discussng the problems Have you actually listened to her or did you instead spend more time defending your son? It seems as though there is a lot left unsaid here?

The other option is that you ARE putting your son first, driving her nuts with it, and she is like a LOT of SMs here and can't take it anymore. So either 1)she is crazy, 2)your son is a sociopath, or 3)YOU are doing something to piss her off and if you read on these boards for a while, you might see how some of your behavior could drive her (back to #1)...CRAZY.

I have been in that position, where myself or my kids are treated differently when the man's bio-kid is present. It is a HORRIBLE feeling and it makes you feel absolutely helpless. It's like a psychological game. Many guilty daddies drive their wives nuts. Look at what she's accusing you of...specifics. And then imagine being her and see if you can see it differently. You might not be able to do this since it's your son. But try. And then imagine feeling like that all the time when it comes to your son. If you can provide examples you will get a better answer, but all we can do is guess at this point.

Usually the person that holds the key in these step situations is the Bio parent, not the step parent. It could be that your wife is truly nuts, or it could be that YOU are frustrating her.

It seems to me that now that your current wife has her own bio children she is being over protective of them. Perhaps she feels the relationship with your shared children is threatened when your son is there eow. I'm sorry but not wanting your son to touch anything in the house in fear of him getting your other kids sick is going overboard and it is not fair to your son to be distanced from then family. Your son is part of the family too and she needs to understand that he is your son and you love him just the same as you love your other children and you will treat him the same way.

I am a stepmother of 2 girls 6 and 9. I have no bio children yet but we are trying, I know that when we have one I want my stepdaughters to feel they are just as much part of the family as my bio child.

We get my step daughters every other week and I have to admit the week without then is nice and it's always an adjustment when they first arrive for the week, I do my best to make them feel welcomed and wanted here.
Of course they do things that bother me and drive me crazy but they are kids, that's what they do. I know I will probably never feel quite the same way foe them as I do my bio child but I have to understand that my husband does so I will love them and treat them as part of the family for them, my husband and our marriage. Also those girls will be my child's siblings as the same for your son.

The others are right, I would sit down and have a talk with your wife to see why she feels this way and what you can do to help her adjust more comfortably while your son is there. in regards to the germs from your son, kids get sick, it happens. there are germs everywhere. Unless your kids live in a bubble they will get sick. Maybe practice using hand sanitizer at home and washing hands often.

Distancing your son fro the family is not the answer and will do no good for anyone.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Recent studies have concluded that the western world is too clean for its own good. Infants are not exposed to germs and their immune system doesn't fully develop causing major problems down the line instead of minor ones now.

But you'll never convince her of that.

I agree with the others that we've only got one side of the story. Conversely its possible that she has let her maternal instinct take over common sense. Take a hard look at yourself and see if you're truly blameless (probably not) and change what you can.

I assume from the way you worded it that the boy is not just "every other weekend" but probably more like every other week or perhaps long term vacation stays. You see if all is as you say then you're only choice is to move out and provide a home for your first born while she does the same for the others.

The only other alternative is a full blown divorce leaving you questioning your choice of mates. After all two "wacko's" in a row makes one wonder if you're making the right choices or if you're to blame by driving them to that state of mind?

Hey - I'm on your side - my first one could act quite normal when she had to. I ignored the warnings of her ex as well as her grandfather and sure enough after we got married she fell back off into the deep end. I understand. But I didn't repeat the mistake.

Sorry, flying into rages and destroying someone's property is just cruel. Does your son complain about his SM? Do you see him as completely blameless? Does he help around the house when asked? Does he deny what she is saying defensively? As the others have said, is he perfect in your eyes?

If you see him as lazy as the next 10 yr old and he has a bit of a smart mouth and cops an attitude now and again (a normal child)then the problem is definitely your wife.

How old is she? I ask because 2 kids under 2 might just be too much for her to handle. And maybe you picked another person with mental illness. We don't know and I don't want to either agree with you or agree with her as I don't know either of you.

Do all the kids have their own rooms? If he was moved to the basement and there is no exit door then I would insist he returns to the main level just from a fire safety issue. As for the illnesses, point out that as long as the boys have their vaccinations and are healthy it is normal to get colds and coughs and runny noses. And she can certainly talk to their pediatrician about this.

I wonder if hormones are still influencing her emotions and causing her to be overly sensitive and protective of her little ones.

It sounds as though she may have some resentment of your son, whether it's unjustified because of over-sensitivity, or because she actually sees you treating him differently from the others.

I could see this little boy possibly needing some extra support with all the changes happening in his life. I wonder if you could try to explain this to her while at the same time making sure she understands that this doesn't constitute favoritism.

I think my SS is messing up our family! He abuses our smaller children and is always in trouble at school. My husband and I fight about it all the time. I am not cruel to my SS but I cannot stand being around him.

In any case your wife should not be mean to your son. He is a child and although I don't think she has to like him or even love him she defiantly shouldn't be mean to him.

Put your son back on the main floor or he will have huge issues. I feel for you. My husband is wonderful to me and his kids but my kids can't gain his approval no matter what. I am emotionally wounded... Guilty conscience for what they go through. So so sorry for your pain. Will pray for you and your son.

Get all of your son's away from this crazy wench. Now! :jawdrop: Call a locksmith and have the locks changed, go file for separation emargency custody and have this women hauled off in a straight jacket by the guys in the white coats.

I have zero tolerance for this kind of crap.

Even if your eldest son has behavioral problems and if you do cater to him to some degree your crazy assed bride freaking out and destroying his room is intollerable and you should get her crazy ass out of your house NOW!!!

Just Wow! :jawdrop:

I'm sorry to say this but aside from the raging and destroying property, I totally see where your wife is coming from. It's hard as hell having someone else's kid living with you and always being put first. It causes an extreme amount of anger and resentment, more than you can even imagine if you have never been a SM.

My DH is a guilty parent AND has SD full time. So I get the best (not) of both worlds. Whenever SD is around (which is every day now), DH pays no attention to me. We don't talk. There is no alone time. There is no intimacy. Everything is gone. I resent the hell out of him and out of SD.

The stepkid isn't the problem; it's the parent. But the problems are all associated with the skid so naturally, our feelings are directed toward them.

If I had to guess (from my own personal experience), your wife probably feels extremely neglected and feels like she has a roommate rather than a husband. You probably treat your kid more like your wife, and that will infuriate any woman.