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When will I be included in the "family"?

Jen_Hen's picture

Submitted by Jen_Hen on Fri, 01/03/2014 - 3:11pm

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Bio Child Free Zone

I am new to this site and very new to being a stepparent. My DH is a very sweet and caring man. He is a great father and I like my new SS9. The love hasn't come yet, but at least I like him. I also have a SD16, but she is angry with her father and refuses to meet me. My problem is that when my DH talks about his "family" he is always referring to when he was married to his ex, and they were a family unit. For example, we were Christmas shopping and twice he said "My family always enjoyed...". I know that he is not intentionally alienating me, but it makes me feel like an outsider.

Just a little background, he definitely does not want to reunite with his ex and we dated for almost two years before we were married last month. I do not have any children of my own. He has said that he does not want any more children, but does it take children to have a family?

Any advise is welcome. :?

emotionaly beat up's picture

Submitted by emotionaly beat up on Fri, 01/03/2014 - 3:51pm

You absolutely need to tell him how you feel, if you don't say anything he won't know your hurt and he's never going to stop saying it if he thinks your fine with it. Tell him. It's, thoughtless, it's rude, and it's insulting your right to be upset.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Submitted by Pilgrim Soul on Fri, 01/03/2014 - 5:56pm

Hello and welcome! My husband used to say "we" when referring to him and the ex. Also, he would bring her and her extended family up at parties during idle chit chat. That was when we were dating. Gradually, because i asked, he dropped that. Now it is gone. It was just a force of habit, but it grated on my ears no end.
We have been together 5-6 years now and "we" is definitely us, and i do not feel like an outsider anymore. But i also had my two kids that brought to "our" new family. I believe it is harder for you because you do not have kids. However, you and him are family.

Talk to him without making it a big dramatic moment.

Believe me, given that your SD is so hostile, this little slip of the tongue will not be such a big problem for long. Other things will take precedence. Welcome to step-world!

Jen_Hen's picture

Submitted by Jen_Hen on Fri, 01/03/2014 - 8:22pm

Thank you for the encouragement. It is really nice to not feel alone in this journey. I am going to talk to him tonight. I will keep the dramatics out of it.

furkidsforme's picture

Submitted by furkidsforme on Fri, 01/03/2014 - 9:12pm

Address it now before it gets worse. What he is doing is blatantly insensitive at best, emotional alienation at worst.

stepinafrica's picture

Submitted by stepinafrica on Fri, 01/03/2014 - 10:51pm

Smile If the two of you are married then you ARE a family. You don't need kids to be a family.

I notice you said he does not want any more kids. That is easy for him to say because he ALREADY has kids. What about you? How do YOU feel?

Jen_Hen's picture

Submitted by Jen_Hen on Thu, 01/16/2014 - 1:53pm

I did talk to him and he apologized. This journey is a difficult one at times. Stepinafrica, I would love to have a child (or two) with him. I knew going in to this marriage that it wasn't likely to happen. I am 36, he is 42 and time is running out for me. He doesn't really understand that his children will never be my children.

BigMike's picture

Submitted by BigMike on Sat, 01/04/2014 - 10:13pm

Does he treat you like family? My wife (15years) calls us SD 23 SS 20 family but she and them don't treat me like family. Other than paying the bills I'm treated like an outsider. If he is treating you like family then I agree with several others here, a little word at the right time put the right way will solve the problem. Good luck.