I don't know how to do this... HELP!!!!
First off, I just found this site and am so greatful because I felt like such a terrible person.
I have a 6 year old BD and my DH has a 5.5 year old BS. We are currently expecting a child together and are due in 14 weeks.
My problem is..... I LOVE our family when it is just my BD, DH and me. He gets along with my BD pretty well for the most part although he does have issues with her attitude. I never argue with this because she does have quite the attitude. My BD is extremely independent and will not ever ask for help unless she has tried every way to do something on her own. I have raised her to be this way and I believe it is good for her. We only get my SS on Christmas break and for about 3 months during the summer. I feel like this kid completely dusrupts our lives. He is the neediest whiniest child I have ever seen. He talks like a baby, he still wets the bed about once a week, he refuses to even try to do anything for himself. If we tell him to try he says "but daddy I'm trying as hard as I can" when we can both see that he is obvioulsy not putting forth any effort. I mean the kid is in kindergarten and refuses to even try to learn to tie his shoes for himself. He says he doesn't know how to scrape his plate, doesn't know how to put his clothes in his drawers after I fold them. I make my BD fold her own clothes and put them up btw. He "can't" open his own candy or drink. He constantly makes random noises just so the focus is on him. When we eat he will literally have food all over his entire face like a 2 year old. He will spill drinks and drop food in his lap because he refuses to eat with his fork or spoon the way we show him. He will stand up about every 3-4 minutes and pucker his lips up and sayd "daddy kisses". He cries at the dumbest things. He literally came up to me screaming (like his arm had been chopped off) saying he hurt his elbow. I asked him what happened and he said he hit it on the pillow. I asked him to show me (thinking maybe he meant a hard surface) and he literally showed me a pillow that was sitting on the center of the couch. I just got beyond annoyed and said go play. My BD won't cry unless she is really hurt and even then she won't scream like she's dying unless it is really bad. So I get beyond annoyed that he screams about every single thing. When he plays he literally screams and squeels like a 3 year old girl. All I ever hear is "daddy can you do this" "daddy can you do that, I don't know how". I am at the end of my rope. He leaves again in 2 days and won't be back until summer and our baby will be born. I am worried that with the stresses of the new baby I won't be able to hold my frustrations in. My DH says that I only complare him to my BD who is "abnormally independent" but I really don't. I have 9 nieces and nephews and have worked with kids for years now. His son just acts like a baby. My 2 year old nephew tries to do more on his own than my SS. Then my DH will say he can't help it, his mom lets him act this way. All I think is well it isn't gonna fly with me but my husband gets so defensive about it.
I have also noticed that my DH acts different when his son is around. Whne it is just us he is very stern and strict with my daughter and when his son is around I have noticed that he turns into this softy that feels like the whining and "I can't attitude" is ok. I have tried to talk to him about this but he gets very defensive when I bring up that his son acts like a little girl. I don't actually say it in those words, don't worry lol.
I did see a light bulb go off when his son couldn't write his own name correctly the other day. Our children are both in Kindergarten and my BD can read and write (obvioulsy smaller words), do basic math and do her chores. His son can't even write his name correctly every time he is asked. When I started asking him (in front of his father) if he learns this at school he says well they tell me to but I don't like to do it. He literally doesn't like to do anything that takes any effort at all. Now the past couple of days my DH has suddenly started cracking down a little bit more on him.
I should probably also mention that I put my BD in counseling to help her adjust to having a SD and us having a new baby. Her counselor tells me that in time I will bond with my SS but I really just don't feel like I will every really love him. It breaks my heart because I have such a strong bond and love for my BD.
I just don't know how to bond with my SS. I love my husband with all my heart and I know I made a commitment to my SS when I married him but I literally find myself counting down the days until he goes home and I can have my family back.
Is there any advice on how to make this situation better so I am not miserable 3 months out of the year?
You just described my SS9!
You just described my SS9! LOL! If the BM has him most of the time I don't see how your DH could help. Sure, your DH could start actually parenting him but the second your SS goes back to his mother all that hard work flys out the window.
I do know that I should not
I do know that I should not compare them. I try not to but with my daughter only being a few months older than him it is hard when he acts so helpless and she is doing everything on her own. It would be different if she was "advanced" but she really isn't. I keep in close contact with her teacher and she isn't like surpassing her class she is right where she needs to be so how can I not think he is behind?
I know most of these issues are his mother's problem but my DH has mentioned that he would like to try and get him full time. IDK that I can take him on full time if he is acting this way. At the same time I would never tell my DH that I don't want his son. That isn't fair to him.
I get embarrassed taking him places because he acts like such a baby and whines all the time.
This Christmas break hasn't been too bad because I can tell myself "it's only 2 weeks" it's the summer that I worry most about. My DH is different when my ss is around and we will have a new baby too. We had spats last summer over this issue and I dread doing it again.
You are correct, I should try harder not to compare him to my child,it's just so easy to do when he does something and his dad ignores it and I'm like uuuhhh if that was my kid you would have been all over her for that lol
Thank You!
Honestly, I think once your
Honestly, I think once your new baby comes, you'll be way too busy to even worry about these issues with your SS. My DH does acts differently when skids are around, but it's not that drastic, and it is getting better with time.
As I see it, your house is ss's vacation home. You get to be fun Disney mom, without having to really worry about how he progresses. I don't see anything you've mentioned that I haven't noticed with my own skids. DD and SS are 4 months apart, and the maturity level has been night and day different. DD is extremely independent, but I have full custody, and that's how I've raised her. SS lives in 50/50 custody and has endured quite a few changes in his life, so the bed wetting, the delays, the tantrums only just started to subside this past year. BM is crazy, and luckily he's starting to see that. We've had to constantly deal with how to get him on track, only to send him back to her for 5 days and get him back totally alienated again. It's extremely trying.
In your situation, I would talk to DH about setting up house rules together, in how you envision your household to work, especially after the new baby comes. Keep in mind that your house is essentially a vacation home to SS while you work this out. SS's life must be terribly difficult to be thrown into one situation to the other and have to accept a different home cold turkey, the way he is, and you want to make that transition as comfortable for him as possible (it could even explain the bed-wetting). When you come from a place of compassion to the child, you might find yourself having a lot more success getting on the same page with his father.
Good luck!
Thank you and I really
Thank you and I really appreciate your response. His bed wetting is not just at our home. We had to force him out of pullups becasue his mother still had him wearing them to sleep. Now I get him up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom to try and prevent but it does still happen about once a week.
I do have ahard time letting my home be a "vacation home" to him. I still have my child that I will not allowe to act one way and I still expect her to do things as she has been taught even when he is there. It would be hard to just ignore that he doesn't do these things and then expect them of her.
You are right about setting some house rules. I cringe at the thought of my soon to be son acting like my ss does. So the setting rules and discussing with him how I want this child raised is a good idea.
Thank You!!
Wait...Why are you getting
Wait...Why are you getting your SS up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom? Is his dad not able because he works overnight?
I get the vacation home thing and it actually makes sense because the time you spend with him is limited that you want it to be enjoyable and fun rather than being disciplined. Setup some house rules like Polymom mentioned and go from there.
I do have to add that it really does annoy me that you mention he disrupts your lives. You knew of your DH's son before you said your I do's I assume and speaking negatively like this make me think that if everything isn't just your way then you're not happy. Not all kids will be mature at the same rates and as much as you may think that you trained your DD to be independent it actually comes down to genetics and timing especially at the age of 6.
Of course your DH is acting a certain way with his BS and its quite simple...HE NEVER REALLY GETS TO BE A DAD TO HIM!!! Unless he gets more custody of him then his kid will continue to act the way he does and is expected because of how he is being raised by BM.
Not trying to be rude, just being Frank
When I say "he disrupts our
When I say "he disrupts our lives" I mean that everything that we typically enforce or do goes out the window. My DH changes his expectations and rules when my SS is around. That is what I meant by that. I do not really have to have things "my way" it's just that we run our household a certain way 9 months out of the year and then when his son shows up it's like BOOM his view changes. I don't like how this disrupts the routine with my daughter and what she is used to. I still have the same expectations of her and when she sees that my SS is being held to much lower standards, she questions it.
I understand that my DH wants my SS to enjoy his time here but at the same time, we have other children too and my BD notices when things change. She will ask us questions about it.
I get up with him because I am pregnant and get up myself to use the restroom every few hours so rather than my DH having to set an alarm to get up, I just get my SS up while I'm already up.
As far as custody. Right now it won't be possible. As most know, unless his mother is proven "unfit" the odds of us getting him are slim to none especially since she has had him 80% of the time for the past 3.5 years. She struggles A LOT financially and we pretty much think that before too long she will no longer be able to afford to keep him. She already calls us randomly asking for help paying for things and her new baby isn't even here yet.
You want to bond with your ss
You want to bond with your ss as well as help him learn things, right? When he comes this summer, tell him, "This summer we are going to learn something new each week. You get to decide what they are. Every Sunday you will tell me something you want to learn how to do, and I will teach you how that week." He will likely say, "There's nothing I want to learn." That's when you say, "That's okay, if you can't think of anything, I will help you." But give him the option first. This can be fun. And Dad will see how capable he is.
I don't agree with your
I don't agree with your therapist about bonding. I have tried bonding with my SS, but it just isn't the same as it already is with my unborn son. I recommend the book Stepmonster. I found it from reading posts on here and it helped me a lot.
Also, I know the bed wetting thing is seriously annoying and disgusting, but it is common in boys. It can be neurological, as well. My SS7 wets the bed and his taught responsibility is to wash his own linens and make his bed. I make him do this every time he wets the bed. I refuse to do it. The bed wetting has happened a lot less.